Why?
I've been like overcome with this feeling of happiness, yet I feel so empty. I think its just this whole Christmas time feeling. It makes me miss her so much more. She made the holidays what they were to us. Nothing feels right and everythings a mess. A year ago Jason and me started dating. I don't think I miss like our relationship or anything but more of what it represented. It meant leaving my dad's and coming home to my mom's. It meant trying to kill myself. It meant starting over. That's exactly what I did, just not right away. Since I've been homeschooled I've changed a lot, and I think for the better. I realized what life was about and how soon my 'real life' is about to start. I've opened my eyes. I know El and me are going to be best friends for the rest of our lives. People always say that after high school you just drift away from everyone. Not us though, after all I've gone through, that girl has been there for me every step of the way. I just hope I have and can always be there for her as much as she has been for me. I worry about the girls I don't talk to as much. Taking Keela to the doctor made me feel a lot closer to her. I know she's in a lot of pain right now...I just hope she knows she can call me whenever. Kelsey seems to be a little bit better, but I'm only judging from her journal. I should just call her. Nick makes me happy, he really does. Theres something different about him, I feel like I can trust him. I don't know how much things will change since I told him but it seems to be alright with him so far. Freddie's coming home on Friday, and I couldn't be happier. Everything will seem right again. Theres just something about Seth and Tony and Tommy coming and going with him that make me feel like I'm just a kid again. I'm scared about G. It is the worst feeling ever not knowing how much longer I have with him. It just really is scary.. I guess I've just been thinking a lot. I miss my dad, but he makes me angry. He really is the one guy I really look up to..the little things matter...how he always teaches me those things he does..he thinks its important for me to know how to lay tile or change my own oil. Those things make me know that he loves me...but just...why'd he have to hit her...over and over and over again?