I'm not as messed up as you would assume.
I’m a non religious virgin, which for a lot of people is hard to believe, especially with how vulgar I can be. I have a thousand excuses for why I am one, I like to believe it’s because I never get the opportunity. Which would suck I guess, but sadly it isn’t the case.
I have major trust issues, but only with my body. I’ll hand over my mind and soul for a smile. Smile at me and I’ll allow you to destroy my world, try to massage my clit though and you’ll be met with an icy chill.
We are all flawed and human, and I understand that, I use to think maybe I could hide my humanness under clothing, but I think people figured it out after I took off my tinfoil hat and stopped barking like a dog. So now I’m left completely ousted as a flawed human, yet I have kept a strong hold on being the ultimate frigid emo, which is kind of a cool nick name, but really is it one to be proud of? I don’t think so, sure being a slut gets you diseases but being a frigid emo keeps you in the isolated bubble of frustration, you don’t want to let anyone in because they will judge you, but you miss out on the best part, Judging them!
Ha ha No. You miss out on being simply human. What the hell does simply human mean? Well fucked if I know, I was trying to be aloof and poetic. Bite me!
The one thing that goes over my head in all almost sexy time situations is a time when I was seven (warning may get pretty fucked up don’t keep reading if you can’t handle it). My Mother and Father were having a fight because my dad was drunk and my mother wouldn’t fuck him, I wasn’t in the room or anything, I was sitting on my bed pressed up against the wall so I could hear them.
My father got nastier and nastier, and I remember all of what he said, I wont repeat it because I can’t even say what he said without crying so writing it down would probably make me vomit, but lets just say he thought the best way to get mum to have sex with him that night was by pointing out all the reasons he wouldn’t want to have sex with her. The words where then followed by the great mile stone of my mother becoming an abused wife statistic, he had never hit her before, and I don’t know why he went so mental over sex, but he broke her nose.
Now back then I couldn’t really comprehend anything he had actually said, the words were just sentences strung together in my head that kept swirling around, I guess having my mum come into my room to see if I was alright and seeing her face all fucked up just kinda shocked them into my memory, I didn’t actually start to comprehend anything he had said that night till puberty, it was then I felt sickened, but I think it was also for the best, I had spent the better half of my youth scared of my dad, and with comprehension came contempt and realizing all this man could do was kill me at the worst was kind of freeing, because I knew he wouldn’t do that, he had a reputation, a career, and fuck knows what else but all these things lead to a high probability that I could do whatever the fuck I wanted and he wouldn’t kill me. Though these realizations weren’t good for schooling, ha ha, you win some you lose some.
Anyway so that first fight, it was all over sex, I’m sure there was more going on, I was seven, my sister was two, they both worked in the army fulltime, and life was probably a little stressful. I wasn’t his child, though I didn’t find that out until a bit further down the track. As I realised tonight after talking to the great J.A, I’m looking for someone to trust, but humans aren’t to be trusted because they are to frigen emotional. But that isn’t a bad thing, because you get to know people enough to know where their flaws are and you accept them, if they are a cheater and you know it you accept it, if they love to gossip meh, you accept it, people aren’t perfect and it’s nice.
That night has affected a whole bunch of my life though, well mainly the sexing part, well it hasn’t affected it as much as completely voided it, nothing a blog couldn’t though, ha ha. Now the question is do I just take the leap? Is it even a leap, I’m one of the most emotionally turbulent, yet strong at the same time people I know, I’ve dealt with family suicides, abuse, deceit, mental break downs and a severe love of sugar, ok maybe I haven’t dealt with the sugar abuse yet, but seriously will sex actually destroy me? I see no logic behind my logic…is that even logical? Gah to fuck or not to fuck that is the question my friends, that is the question.
I have major trust issues, but only with my body. I’ll hand over my mind and soul for a smile. Smile at me and I’ll allow you to destroy my world, try to massage my clit though and you’ll be met with an icy chill.
We are all flawed and human, and I understand that, I use to think maybe I could hide my humanness under clothing, but I think people figured it out after I took off my tinfoil hat and stopped barking like a dog. So now I’m left completely ousted as a flawed human, yet I have kept a strong hold on being the ultimate frigid emo, which is kind of a cool nick name, but really is it one to be proud of? I don’t think so, sure being a slut gets you diseases but being a frigid emo keeps you in the isolated bubble of frustration, you don’t want to let anyone in because they will judge you, but you miss out on the best part, Judging them!
Ha ha No. You miss out on being simply human. What the hell does simply human mean? Well fucked if I know, I was trying to be aloof and poetic. Bite me!
The one thing that goes over my head in all almost sexy time situations is a time when I was seven (warning may get pretty fucked up don’t keep reading if you can’t handle it). My Mother and Father were having a fight because my dad was drunk and my mother wouldn’t fuck him, I wasn’t in the room or anything, I was sitting on my bed pressed up against the wall so I could hear them.
My father got nastier and nastier, and I remember all of what he said, I wont repeat it because I can’t even say what he said without crying so writing it down would probably make me vomit, but lets just say he thought the best way to get mum to have sex with him that night was by pointing out all the reasons he wouldn’t want to have sex with her. The words where then followed by the great mile stone of my mother becoming an abused wife statistic, he had never hit her before, and I don’t know why he went so mental over sex, but he broke her nose.
Now back then I couldn’t really comprehend anything he had actually said, the words were just sentences strung together in my head that kept swirling around, I guess having my mum come into my room to see if I was alright and seeing her face all fucked up just kinda shocked them into my memory, I didn’t actually start to comprehend anything he had said that night till puberty, it was then I felt sickened, but I think it was also for the best, I had spent the better half of my youth scared of my dad, and with comprehension came contempt and realizing all this man could do was kill me at the worst was kind of freeing, because I knew he wouldn’t do that, he had a reputation, a career, and fuck knows what else but all these things lead to a high probability that I could do whatever the fuck I wanted and he wouldn’t kill me. Though these realizations weren’t good for schooling, ha ha, you win some you lose some.
Anyway so that first fight, it was all over sex, I’m sure there was more going on, I was seven, my sister was two, they both worked in the army fulltime, and life was probably a little stressful. I wasn’t his child, though I didn’t find that out until a bit further down the track. As I realised tonight after talking to the great J.A, I’m looking for someone to trust, but humans aren’t to be trusted because they are to frigen emotional. But that isn’t a bad thing, because you get to know people enough to know where their flaws are and you accept them, if they are a cheater and you know it you accept it, if they love to gossip meh, you accept it, people aren’t perfect and it’s nice.
That night has affected a whole bunch of my life though, well mainly the sexing part, well it hasn’t affected it as much as completely voided it, nothing a blog couldn’t though, ha ha. Now the question is do I just take the leap? Is it even a leap, I’m one of the most emotionally turbulent, yet strong at the same time people I know, I’ve dealt with family suicides, abuse, deceit, mental break downs and a severe love of sugar, ok maybe I haven’t dealt with the sugar abuse yet, but seriously will sex actually destroy me? I see no logic behind my logic…is that even logical? Gah to fuck or not to fuck that is the question my friends, that is the question.