Wishing I was anywhere, but here...
I'm not really sure why learning the fact that one of my old high classmates is in europe enjoying life, makes me want to ball. I guess its probably because I'm not happy with myself. I'm not proud of myself. I'm just some average student excelling in an easy school and an average dancer frustrated with her body. I want to be everything I'm not and everything I can't be. Some days the idea of drinking myself into oblivion sounds great, and other days I just want to hide from the world. Its like watching a train ride away from the station, it feels like your only chance to be what you want to be has left without you. I want to spend a year in europe living life the way I always pictured it would be. I want to spend the summer at Alvin Ailey in New York dancing until I can't bare to move anymore. I want to live in New York for a year and dance everyday, get a job in a bar, and have nights to remember with new friends. I want to cry because I hate who I am. There's only so much I can tell myself, before its useless. Like I try and tell myself that I'm fine the way I am, but I'm not. I'm not pretty enough to be a dancer or someone's girlfriend. I'm good enough of a dancer to go professional. My choroegraphy is shit and I can't make it into a single dance show at this fucking school. There are about two things I've done well this year: get into the musical and get into Phi Theta Kappa, a honor society. Why can't I be happy with myself? Why can't I be the person I want to be?