It's Far From Over: Difficult Times (TJ/Cam backstory)
Title: It’s Far From Over: Difficult Times
Authors: sarah_jones & needtakehave
Rating: T
Genre: romance, drama, het, AU
Fandoms: Stargate SG-1 & Universe
Characters: Cameron Mitchell, Tamara Johansen, mentions of others
Pairings: TJ/Cam
Summary: After an amazing one-night stand TJ disappears from Cam’s life. Just when he was ready to accept that he would never see her again she shows up again. Unfortunately she is in someone elses body, using the ancient stones to communicate from the Destiny in a far away galaxy. Will they give love a chance anyway?
Author notes: This was written in an rpg, but I decided to use it as a backstory for my Crossover fic 'It's Far From Over' and post it as a story. It can be read on its own, but will have as much of an ending as SGU did.
Setting: The story is set shortly before and during SGU, but is AU. It shows some scenes in the lives of TJ & Cam.
Word count:: ~ 11.840
Disclaimer: We don’t own any of the characters or fandoms. If we did this would be canon. *g* We don’t make any money with this! We’re just writing the story for fun and hope someone else will enjoy it, too.
Spoiler Warnings: to be safe for all of SG-1 & SGU
Other Warnings: This was written in rpg format. I’ll try to turn it into more of a story format, but it might not read like a real fanfic anyway.
Thank you to my beta landiana24 for betaing this! :-)
*~*~* Series Master Post*~*~*
When: pre SGU
Where: Earth, a bar
TJ took a sip from her drink and glanced around the pub. There weren't many people there, probably because it was still early. But she had needed a drink badly. Tomorrow she had to go back to Icarus and see him again. Their affair was over, but it still hurt a lot. She really didn't want to see him again, but he was her commanding officer, Colonel Everett Young. She had officially quit the Stargate Program a few days ago so she wouldn't have to deal with him again, but she still had one last mission before she could start her new life. She could hardly wait, even if she really had loved to work for the Stargate Program. It was an amazing job. You saw what very few people even dared to dream of. She loved it and it was the opportunity of a lifetime, but she had ruined it all by falling for her commanding officer, and he had ruined it, too, by getting involved with her, even though he was married.
TJ sighed, pushed away the thought and emptied her drink. She was about to order another one when the bartender already placed one in front of her. She looked up and the bartender gestured to her right, where a guy was coming towards her, ready to take the seat next to her. Ugh, she really wasn't in the mood for men, and besides, this one so wasn't her type. Yes, he was rather good looking, but he basically radiated that ‘I’m a god-sent gift to all women’ attitude.
"No, thanks," she said and pushed the drink away.
"Oh, come on, just one drink," he said smiling at her sweetly, but it looked extremely fake. TJ frowned. She really wasn't in the mood for this.
"I believe the lady said she wasn't interested," Cam said, walking up behind the man sitting next to the pretty blonde at the bar. He'd been watching her for the good part of an hour when he had finally decided either it was time to do something about it and go talk to her or get his ass back to Stargate Command. Not being a coward and getting precious little away time, he'd opted for doing something. So he'd gotten up and gone over to her when he had seen some jerk scoot up beside her.
Cam was about to back away when he'd heard their quick exchange. One thing you could count on with Cam was him being a gentleman and a man to help a damsel in distress.
TJ turned slightly when she heard a new voice. A man had joined them and was standing up for her. Not that she needed it, she was pretty sure that she could take the idiot down if she had to, but it was a nice gesture anyway. And she had to admit to herself that the newcomer was pretty hot. Luckily her unwanted admirer backed off pretty quickly, leaving her alone with her 'rescuer'.
"Thanks for the help. I appreciate it," she said with a smile while looking up at him.
"You're more than welcome. Sometimes guys like that just need a little hint. You have to give the man credit though, he obviously did have good taste in women," Cameron replied, tipping his head in her direction while taking a swallow of the beer from the glass in his hand.
TJ's smile widened at his words and she blushed slightly. She really had needed an ego boost tonight, and maybe some male company was what she needed after all.
"Want to sit down?" she asked. "And thanks," she added.
"I would, thank you," Cam said, taking the seat at the bar next to her.
"I'm TJ," she introduced herself, deciding to leave it informal. Tonight she would just be TJ, no rank, nothing. Tonight she would see how it felt to be a civilian.
"I'm Cam," he said, sticking his hand out. He figured he'd go with short and simple, didn't want to scare her away. The last few dates he'd tried to go on usually went sour inside of an hour or two because they didn’t like him being a soldier, that he’d often have to leave for missions or that he had a dangerous job.
"Nice to meet you, Cam," she said. Then she bit her lip. She almost asked what he did for a living. It was the usual thing to ask when meeting someone, but honestly what did it matter? And she really didn't want to open the door to talk about her job. It would soon be over anyway.
"So, you often rescue women from unwanted admirers in your free time?" she asked instead before gesturing to the bartender for a refill.
Turning back to Cam her eyes lingered on his face. He really was handsome. She smiled, then glanced at his hand, checking for a ring. There was none, which of course didn't mean that he wasn't married, but it was a good start. Her need to check his marital status confirmed to her how much the affair had messed with her head.
Cam chuckled and a thoughtful look came over his face. Did he often rescue women in need of help? Hm, well, he helped lots of people but not specifically women, though some of them happened to be women.
"Sometimes I end up helping women. It just goes that way, but I don't set out to do it. I have to admit though, it's a nice feeling. Course, I don't have a lot of free time, very little in fact. How about you? Do you often have trails of men following you around like a puppy?" he asked smiling as he, too, signalled the bartender for another beer.
TJ smiled at his answer. He seemed genuine, not fake at all, like the man he had 'rescued' her from. She then laughed at his question.
"Not really," she admitted. She had been too busy working to have a lot of opportunities to meet men, well men outside the military, and most soldiers did follow the rules about no dating within the ranks. "I was too busy working, but that is going to change. I'm starting a new life," she told him, and for some reason she suddenly had the feeling that that new life could be amazing.
Cam laughed. "Sounds a lot like my life... too busy working… always the problem. Never enough time in a day is there? Starting a new life huh? How does that work? I've always wondered how people manage to do that. Personally, I can't imagine not doing what I do... That's not to say I didn't like my life before my job now of course, but it was nothing like this one... Why the change, if you don't mind my nosiness?" he asked, honestly curious to know more about her. She was interesting and different from the few women he had tried to date on his downtime. They often ended up just talking about themselves endlessly. Not that he minded that… but their choice of topics was insane. One woman talked about her 10 cats and their bathroom habits. Cameron was still traumatized over that date.
She liked his laugh. It sounded light-hearted.
"I don't mind," she assured him. She didn't really like to talk about it, but she didn't mind that he was interested enough to ask either.
"Bad choices involving a man," she admitted. "Never a good idea when you work together." She sighed slightly before pushing away the memories and concentrating on Cam.
"But that is past me. I am looking forward now," she stated. "And starting a new life isn't that hard. You just have to commit to it. I already quit my job and got a scholarship. I am going to be a doctor," she added, a smile back on her face.
“A doctor, wow. What made you decide that?” he asked.
TJ thought for a moment, then stated to tell him more about herself and her life.
----- ----- ----- ----- -----
The next morning TJ woke up in bed, an arm around her. At first she was startled, then memories of the last night came back to her.
“Oh god,” she whispered. She had no idea how they had gotten from talking about her becoming a doctor to ending up at his place. Or maybe she did. Cam had been so nice, charming, cheerful and uncomplicated. That he was totally hot might have had something to do with it as well. And the alcohol, yes, she definitely blamed it on the alcohol! She didn’t have any regrets though. Being with Cam had been amazing. She had never felt like that when with a man. Not even Everett made her feel that way, and she really thought that she loved him. Maybe she hadn’t after all.
Turning slightly TJ glanced at Cam. He looked peaceful in his sleep. A smile appeared on her lips. She could get used to waking up next to him. Hopefully he felt the same way. She’d have to find out… after she got back from Icarus. Icarus! Oh god, she had to get to Stargate Command. What time was it anyway? She looked around and found a clock. She only had an hour to go back to her place, get her luggage and drive out to the SGC. Crap! Glancing at Cam she decided not to wake him. If he woke up while she got dressed okay, if not, well, she didn’t have much time anyway…
He didn’t wake up, so TJ wrote him a quick note that she would call him once she was back from her final job. She had told him about that, though not what it involved of course. That was classified. Placing the note on the bed she looked at him one last time before heading out.
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When: early during SGU
Where: Homeworld Command
Cam entered his temporary office at Homeworld Command and sat down at his desk. He was helping out General O’Neill for a few weeks. Dr. Lam had ordered him off-duty for missions after a minor leg injury. She was overreacting big time, but she was the doctor. O’Neill had been visiting Stargate Command while he argued with the good doctor and had asked him to come check out Homeworld Command until he could go off-world again. Without anything better to do Cam had agreed.
Colonel Telford was on leave, so Cam had been tasked with helping out in debriefing some members of the Icarus mission that were now stuck on the ancient ship Destiny in a far away galaxy. He had already read over everyone's files but one. Apparently, one file had been missing from his stack and the people who got the paperwork together had misplaced it. He sighed. He hated being blind, so to speak.
Cam heard someone outside talking about the Destiny crew members walking up in bodies of the Homeworld Command personnel. That meant they were here and would be upstairs soon. Just as he was about to get up to step out of his office, his 'secretary' came in and handed him the missing file with an apology. He sighed and waved him off, flipping open the file. Then his phone rang. Hopefully this would be quick so he could have a look at the file before the meetings.
----- -----
TJ walked down the corridor to her debriefing. It felt weird to be in someone else’s body. It was her first time using the ancient stones. She hadn't wanted to leave Destiny, since she was the only medic they had. Of course Colonel Young had found a way around that. He had organized for her to swap bodies with a doctor, who would be even better at taking care of Destiny’s people than she was. She sighed, knowing that she still hadn't wanted to come. It was so hard to be stuck on Destiny, which was why everyone said it was great to be able to come to Earth once in a while, but TJ didn't think so. Being here would just remind her that she couldn't really come home, that she was stuck on that old crappy ship even though she should have never been there in the first place. She had been overdue to go home for two weeks. Her new life should have started already. She should have been a civilian and started her scholarship. But instead she had been late leaving and that got her stranded in another galaxy.
Pushing away those thoughts TJ headed for the office a Lieutenant gestured to, ready to get this debriefing over with. Thinking about how much her situation sucked wouldn't change anything anyway.
TJ knocked at the door, opened it and stepped in, then froze as her eyes fell on the man sitting in the office. Memories came rushing back at her, memories of them sitting in a bar together, followed by memories of how his lips felt as he kissed her, of how his hands roamed her body... She gasped slightly and quickly banished the memories that really had no place here. Cam... he said his name was Cam. Cameron Mitchell, leader of SG-1! How the hell had she ended up in bed with another commanding officer???
Cam glanced up quickly as he heard a gasp from the door. He frowned at the shocked look one the woman’s face. He had briefly seen her this morning, but never actually talked to her. He knew that it might not really be her though. Still, why would a person from Destiny be shocked to see him?
"Are you alright, Miss...." he said, glancing at the file he hadn’t had time to look at yet. This had to be hers, since all others were of men. Then he trailed off, shocked.
"Johansen.... Lieutenant Tamara Johansen," he managed to get out while his eyes were fixed on the picture in the file. Slowly he rose from his desk and just stared at her, dumbfounded.
"TJ? Is that you?" he asked.
TJ was pulled out of her frozen state when he spoke. He remembered her. A rush of relief and happiness ran through her. For a moment she had wondered if he even remembered her. It was just a one-night stand after all. It hadn't been for her, not really anyway. She had promised to call him when she came back from her last job, when she was free and could start her new life. She had fully intended to do it, too. Most people would probably think he was just a rebound for her after the whole thing with Young, but he wasn't. TJ had never before felt the way she did when she was with Cam. She never found out how he felt, but he was definitely special to her. She really cared about him and had hoped they could be together when she came back. Then she ended up on Destiny and all her fantasies about her and Cam had been crushed. She had thought about him a lot and even dreamed about him. She knew that they could never be together however, and it had nearly broken her heart. As if the whole situation hadn't been bad enough. And now... here he was, standing right in front of her.
"Yes," she finally managed to say. Part of her wanted to run to him and throw herself into his arms, another wanted to run off as quickly as possible to save herself from more heartbreak, because no matter how he felt, this would never end like in one of her fantasies. There would be no happy ending.
"Hi." She sighed, knowing that she acted stupid, but she just didn't know what else to say.
"I guess now you know why I never called," she finally said before she managed to stop herself. She didn't even know if he really wanted her to call, but for some reason it was important to her that he knew that she had intended to.
Cameron laughed, unable to stop himself, then slightly shook his head at her. "Yeah, I guess I do," he said with another bout of nervous and awkward laughter.
"I have to admit. I did wonder. I mean, we had a..." he said trying to find the right word but unable to. Truth be told, there was no word for what they had shared that sole night together, but he still tried, and failed. "… great night together. I had assumed you'd call like you said and then you didn't. I'll admit, I did call, but... it was disconnected. I guess now I know where you've been this entire time. It's a little shocking... I guess for both of us, but... I never would have guessed you were military."
A small smile appeared on her face as he said that they had a great night. Memories threatened to come back once more, but she pushed them away. She could NOT think about that now. Then he said that he called and the smile grew bigger.
"You did?" she asked. He really must like her too.
"I honestly didn't think you were military either," she admitted. It never even crossed her mind. He sort of represented her life away from the military. How wrong she had been. "I guess that explains the whole rescuing women thing," she said a little teasingly.
"Cameron Mitchell, wow, who would have thought? You're quite the celebrity, you know," she then stated and laughed slightly. "Leader of SG-1..." She trailed off, not wanting to mention what else she had heard about him from several female colleges that had worked with him before.
He frowned at that. He didn't think of himself as a celebrity, not at all.
"Nah, I'm not a celebrity.... I was just lucky that I was the one to help O’Neill, Carter and the others when they were in Antarctica. It could have been anyone and had it been someone else, they'd have been the one to get the job. Just the right place at the right time, no heroics involved really," he said though that obviously wasn't true.
TJ smirked slightly. "No heroics at all," she muttered amused. She had liked him before, but this attitude made him even more likable... which kind of made her whole situation even worse. She sighed, trying not to think about it. And she really, really shouldn't think about how much she did like the man in front of her. It would not do her any good, and besides, he was her commanding officer! They were off limits! When would she ever get that into her head... and heart? She tried not to think about anything anymore and instead concentrated on his words.
"Hey, sides, look at you... You get to explore other galaxies, live in one no less. I get to travel to other planets, and occasionally get outside our galaxy, but I can't say I ever lived in one. See, you got me beat. Course, I can't say I'm not a little shocked. I thought you said you were going to be a doctor," he said, eyebrow raised.
Hearing his words TJ almost snorted. "You make it sound so... great. Have you seen Destiny?" No, of course he hadn't. She would have known if he had been there. Well, he probably would have recognized her. She wouldn't have known who he was, but she was sure she would have heard if he was on Destiny. He was kind of famous after all, especially with the women.
"I was," she then said, answering his question. "I finished my last assignment. I was due to leave for two weeks, but something always came up. You know how it is out there..." She sighed, wishing for about the 1000th time that she had insisted on going back to Earth when she still had the chance.
"Then Eli arrived, Rush dialled the 9th chevron, the Alliance attacked and we had to flee through the Gate, with no idea where we would end up."
He nodded gravely. "Yeah, I heard about that. I can't imagine what it's like for you, to be torn away from everything you know and love and can't come back. It's not like you're just someplace for the job with the option to visit or even quit and go home whenever you want. I'm really sorry, TJ," he said. He was, too. What he told her was the truth, he couldn't image that. Sure, he'd gone off world and sometimes they'd get stuck places for long periods of time but there was always the option to find a way back or just come home. There was never a time when he was sure there was no hope and no way home. It wasn’t like he talked to his father all the time but he did sometimes, and he knew that he at least could if he wanted to. His heart hurt for her, and not just because she was a fellow officer, but because, if he was truthful, he didn't want her to ever feel pain. He didn't like the thought that she must feel so alone out there, even if she wasn't really alone on Destiny.
TJ sighed. It was good to hear that he understood her, but that didn't really help. What might help was if he held her, or maybe kissed her... Woah, where had those thoughts come from? She wasn't even in her own body! That would be all kinds of wrong, on so many levels!
"Me, too," she said. Then she straightened up. She would not whine or cry in front of him. She didn't have break downs, and she sure as hell wouldn't break down in front of him.
"So, about this briefing... Should we get to it? I'm sure the others are already waiting their turn." The quicker they got this over with the sooner she could leave, before she did something she would regret, like throw herself at him or break down after all.
Cam gave her a confused look. She was blowing all sorts of hot and cold. Maybe she had decided because she was on Destiny and couldn't get home that admitting that she still had feelings for him was a bad idea. Or maybe she didn't have them anymore, even if that night had been something. In any case, he was in charge here and she was right about one thing, they should get to it. Clenching his jaw, he nodded.
"Yes, of course. Why don't you sit down and we'll start..."
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When: some time later
Where: Destiny
TJ stood behind Colonel Young, Chloe and Eli, who sat at a table, their hands on the ancient stones. They were leaving for Earth. They were motionless, then, a moment later started to move.
"Colonel Telford?" she asked looking at Young's body. Telford usually came here when Colonel Young went to Earth, much to everyone’s dismay. He disagreed with almost everything Colonel Young did here and seemed to have made it his personal mission to change as much as he could while he was on board. It was annoying at the very least, completely ridiculous at the worst.
Young's mouth moved but the words that came out weren't his. "Fraid not, TJ," Cam said, trying to smile but failing mostly. He always found it downright creepy using those stones and being in someone else's body. Every time he went away and came back, his body felt strange, almost violated. Not that the person who'd been using it had done anything bad, but come on, having someone else's mind inside your body? How could it not be weird later? He tried to do the body switching as little as possible. Unfortunately, there had been no one else to switch with Young and he had had little choice. So, he had swallowed his reservations and bucked up. He was after all, an SGC officer. And besides, there was one upside to it this time, he did get to see TJ, and in her own body.
TJ looked at Young, or better his body, with a frown. There were a few other Colonels who had changed bodies with Young before, but none of them called her TJ. They just didn't know her well enough. For a moment she wondered if the stones hadn't worked, but glancing at Chloe and Eli's bodies she was sure that they had. Whoever were in their bodies right now were busy staring at themselves in the mirrors on the table. She blinked and brought her eyes back to Young, or whoever he was at the moment. Then her eyes widened, as she realized which other Colonel would call her TJ.
"Ca... Colonel Mitchell?" she asked, catching herself just in time. They were not alone after all and it would not be appropriate to call him by his first name. Scott was standing right next to her for example.
Cam smiled, though it felt weird smiling in this body, like Colonel Young rarely smiled at all.
"Took you a second, didn't it?" he asked, his smile widening.
Glancing around, he took in the room around him with interest. "Reminds me of being on Prometheus, small and cramped. Anyway, there was no one else around with a high enough rank that could take Young's place, so I was called in. God, I hate switching bodies," he said absently, before his gaze came back to land on TJ. God, it felt good to see her again. Their last meeting, with her in another body at Homeworld Command had been.... tense and not very pleasant. He'd tried not to think of her since then but had failed miserably. Now, seeing her here, and this time in her own body, he felt happy… and other things. It was the 'other things' that had him getting up and walking away from her, his back towards her. He didn't want to humiliate himself, or anyone else. He had to remember, he was in charge here.
TJ couldn't help but smirk at his comment. Oh how she had missed him. She couldn't even really see or hear him, but it was as if she could. She remembered every inch of his face as well as his voice. She didn't need to hear his voice to be able to imagine how he would say the words, but she longed to hear his voice anyway, to see his body, his face. Pulling herself together she pushed those thoughts away.
"Welcome to Destiny, Colonel," she said quickly, then turned to her left. "Colonel Mitchell, this is Lieutenant Scott," she added, introducing her colleague.
"Nice to meet you, Sir," Scott said. "It is a pleasure to have you on board."
TJ smirked slightly. It seemed that Scott was just as relieved as she felt that Telford wasn't here. On second thought though, maybe Telford would have been better after all, better for her and her fragile heart.
"Would you like a tour of the ship?" she asked, unable to stop herself. She knew Scott had been about to ask the same, but for some reason she couldn't help but jump in. She knew it was stupid, knew she would regret it later, when she would miss him more than ever, but she just couldn't help but want to spend every second she could with Cam.
Cam cleared his throat. "Of course, that would be great. Why don't you give me the tour of the ship and Lieutenant Scott can show these two…” He gestured at the others that came with him. “…the science lab, which I assume you have? They are scientists and would rather get to work right away." At least if they were anything like Sam and Daniel they would.
An amused smirk appeared on TJ's lips at Cam's words. Of course the scientists would only care about getting their hands on the ship and its technology. What amused her even more however was that Cam didn't introduce them or even seemed to know their names. Typically military. Cam seemed to be one of those that were not really interested in science and the people who were crazy about it. She knew the type.
Scott nodded and gestured to the scientists, not too happy about his assignment. He wasn't thrilled about scientists either, except for Eli. Eli was different.
"This way," Scott said.
TJ waited until they left, then turned to Cam.
"You have no idea who they are, do you?" she asked teasingly as she gestured to the door. Then she noticed that they were alone and it occurred to her that Cam had just gotten rid of everyone else. Did he want to be alone with her just as badly as she wanted to be alone with him?
Cam shrugged. "I know they are scientists. After that, not really, no. Like I said, this was an unplanned mission for me. Normally I'd have all the details but I got asked at the last minute. Well, asked, told, whatever. Besides, if they are anything like Daniel, they just want to have their nose in a book," Cam said with a smile before turning back to TJ where his smile widened further.
TJ looked at him, not too happy about what he said. She had kind of hoped that he wanted to come, maybe even that he had made it happen. He knew where she was after all. If he wanted to come see her, he could.
"I'm sure they prefer to have their nose inside the Destiny," she told him. "That's the kind of scientists we need here. Preferably someone who miraculously figures out a way to get us home, or at least manages to get us full access to the ship."
She then gestured to the door. "How about that tour?" Not staying alone with Cam in this room would be a good idea.
Cam pushed his hand against the door so it slammed shut. Then he turned towards her.
"Why don't we just say that we took the tour?" he asked, his eyes light with meaning.
TJ's eyes widened as he closed the door, basically shutting them in together. "Cam," she breathed silently, her voice barely above a whisper. Then she glanced away from him, swallowing uneasily as all kinds of emotions rushed through her. This really was NOT a good idea. Being alone with him brought back memories once more, memories she constantly tried to forget. "I don't think this s a good idea."
"So, what, we should go walk around Destiny, chatting about nonsense that neither of us cares about, just so we don't what? Talk? Like adults. Like how once you saw it was me at Homeworld Command you turned yourself to ice like that night never happened? Like I was just another man in the military?" he asked sharper than intended, but inside he was hurt, more than he'd admit and seeing her again, like this, and again her trying to shut him out, hurt all the more.
TJ's head snapped back to him, surprised about his words, about the way he said them. He sounded angry and... hurt. Her heart started to ache. She never meant to hurt him, to make him feel like the night they spent together didn't mean anything to her, when in fact it meant everything.
"I..." she started, unsure what to say. "Of course you're not just another man, Cam." He had to know that, right? No, he probably didn't. They didn't really know each other, did they? They spent one evening and one night together. Of course he had no idea how she felt. And he was right, she had shut down when they met again, had tried to protect herself from being hurt even more.
"You're everything I want," she admitted, suddenly knowing that it was true. She didn't just want to be able to go home, she wanted to be able to go home so she could be with him, really be with him, in their own two bodies. "But it doesn't matter what I want. It isn't possible. Even if you feel the same way I do... I'm stuck here. We can't be together." She sighed, looking down. There it was again, that dreadful all-consuming feeling that nothing was right in her life anymore. She had managed to push it away so far, had refused to think about her situation too much, about how everything she wanted had been taken away from her. But now that she had admitted it to him, and herself, she didn't know how to go on.
Cameron started pacing before her, agitated.
"Don't you know TJ…" he said, stopping to look at her, before starting to pace again."…that you gotta fight for what you want? That even when it seems like all hope is lost, when there is no way to get whatever it is you want, you can't give up, you gotta just keep fighting? Isn't that what this is all about? Going through the Stargate, travelling to different planets... It's all about the unknown, about the impossible. So, you're stuck here. So you can't go home. So it's impossible. Well, you just find a way to make it possible. May not be today, or tomorrow or a year from now, but somehow, sometime, it will happen, if you don't give up."
TJ stared at him. He made it sound so simple. And in a way it was. She didn't really have a choice. There was giving up and there was fighting. She knew that, it was why she hadn't broken down already, why she was still alive while so many others weren't.
"I'm not giving up," she said. "I'm just... trying to make this not even more painful than it already is. Being with you, but not really being with you... that makes it harder." She sighed, frustrated.
"And trust me, this..." She gestured around. "Is hard enough." It wasn't just that she was so far from home, it was the whole situation. There was always something else: not enough air, not enough water, parasites in the water, no food, no power... and people dying, there was always someone dying, someone she couldn't save. All of it was awful enough without adding her own desires to it.
"It is simple, TJ. I'm not saying it would be easy, because easy is an entirely different thing. But simple? Yes. Fighting is why some survive and some don't. I know you're a fighter. I saw that the first time I met you when I walked up to you in the bar. The difference is that you may think you're fighting, but what you're really doing is waiting to die. You think you haven't given up, but instead of taking the good moments, as rare as they are, and enjoying them and then when it's bad, you remember them, you keep them with you, you make them the things that get you through the dark and the cold, you're just avoiding it all, avoiding me, waiting to die. I've seen it a hundred times, people who live when others die, who think they’re living, but they aren't, they just exist and you know what, TJ? That's worse than if you had died," he said, shaking her, before he stopped suddenly. He hadn't even realized he'd walked over to her, let alone put his arms on her shoulders. He took a step back and took a breath. "I'm sorry."
His words were hard, but they made sense, didn't they? They weren't true though, not entirely. She wasn't waiting to die. She didn't just exist. She would not let herself just exist. What would be the point in that?
She hadn't even realized that he was shaking her, hadn't realized how close he was until he stepped back, until she lost that contact to him. Suddenly her whole body seemed to protest.
"Don't be," she said quietly as she stepped towards him, not being able to resist the urge to be closer to him.
"I think... I think you're right." Maybe she should take the good moments. They might not be perfect moments, and they would be rare, but they would be better than nothing. They could get her through this, get her through the bad times, when she would miss him horribly. And besides, she wanted to stay away from him so being separated from him wouldn't hurt even worse, but how much worse could it get? It already hurt so much. Maybe being with him would even help? Him being here right now helped, didn't it? Even when he practically yelled at her he still made everything better.
"I don't want to just exist," she admitted looking up at him.
His hand reached out and trailed down her cheek. "I don't want you to just exist either. I mean, if you do that, when you do get home, you'll be a shell and how will we ever be together if you're just a shadow of the woman I knew, of the woman I...." he said, trailing off. He didn't love her, did he? He couldn't. They'd had one night. You didn't fall in love in one night, right?
When he touched her cheek a shiver ran down TJ’s back. How did he do that? How could he do that now? He was standing in front of her in the body of another man, the body of her former lover no less, and still he had the same effect on her that he did when they were together on Earth, an effect Young never had, not to this extent at least.
"You what?" she asked as her hand closed over his, holding him close to her. Could it be that he felt the same way she did? By his actions so far she could tell that she meant something to him, that he did want them to be together, but did he actually feel what she felt? Did he feel the same kind of connection?
He shook his head, staring at their hands. "I don't know really, to be honest, TJ. I mean, we can't love each other, right? We had that one night together and very little since. You can't fall in love in that short a period of time... can you?" he asked her, hopeful yet hesitant.
"I don't know, Cam," she admitted. "Maybe you can, maybe not. Does it really matter? All that matters is that we feel the same, right?" She was sure that they did. What he said and asked was exactly how she felt. What she felt for him felt like love to her, but reason told her that she couldn't love him because she didn't really know him. "Maybe it is love, maybe it is something that can turn into love. We don't need to label it right now, do we?" She smiled slightly. "We have time to figure it out." There wasn't much else to do around here anyway, besides trying to stay alive.
He nodded. "No, we don't need to label it. There is time for that," he said just before there was a knock at the door behind him. He guessed their alone-time was over.
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(Part 2)
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