Nov 30, 2009 17:43
Well I graduate in three weeks. That's so scary I can't even begin to mentally address it. I have so much work. I'm drowning in art supplies. My clothes are covered in paint and charcoal and my fingernails are always funny colors underneath. I probably eat plenty of weird chemicals from all the paints and paint thinners I use. Not to mention the photoemulsion for screen printing or all that simple green we use to clean the screens...
Art history is killing me. It's so disorganized and I can't organize it myself, so I asked the TA for help- a simple timeline of the 20 or so artistic movements we need to know for the final, and she refused to even think about it, so that's wonderful. I bombed our quiz today even though I studied, because my timeline is wrong, but she won't help me fix it so what am i supposed to to?
My shoulders always ache from carrying so much stuff back and forth a half mile each way from the art building. It's really crappy when it rains but at least I have my giant red umbrella. I love that thing. My rain boots have sprung a leak though, which is sad. I'm always sore from metal casting too, where we have to constantly shovel sand and sort metal and carry large molds to and fro. We even had to go out into the scrapyard in the rain and shovel chunks of sand and soot into wheelbarrows and take them to the dumpster.
All this complaining aside, I do love art. It's rewarding when you really come out with something you're proud of, especially when it came solely from your own mind. I wish I had more time to have fun in these classes and take things a little slower. Half of the things I make are sloppy or not well thought out because I have 4 studio classes and my brain is being squeezed dry of inspiration. Either that or there just isn't enough time in the week to get everything done nicely.
I'm going to miss being a college student, but it's definitely time. I can't take all this homework anymore. This is the hardest semester I've ever had. I have a breakdown every other week because I just get so overwhelmed, but far more intense than any other semester.
I've stopped being scared of a lot of things I used to be scared of, and I'm a happier person, so that's good. I feel like I'm getting something done, and I'm proud to be graduating with two degrees. Who knows if I'll get a job...
My mom is doing well and going through radiation. It's hard for her to eat so she's losing weight but she's fighting hard and I'm proud of her as well. Thanksgiving was weird. Christmas will be weirder because she'll be sicker. But at least Justin's here. He's such a good person and my family seems important to him. My family loves him and oddly enough he seems perfectly comfortable listening to my dad lecture about ships for an hour, despite my and my mother's desperate attempts to give him a way out!
Sometimes I don't think he shows his emotion enough. Like I feel as if he doesn't care about me because he hardly says hello sometimes when he comes over, and he complains every time I ask for a back rub but I do big things for him like paint rooms in his house and clean his kitchen and things just as a surprise. I'd really like some flowers but he seems bound and determined not to get me any. Maybe I'll get some for myself.
But on Wednesday night we went out with his friends in Fells Point and had quite a few drinks, hopping from one dive bar to another. There was live music wherever we went. He spilled beer on my lap. He whoopied on my cheeks. He bit a clump of my hair. He kept attaching himself to my shoulder. It was so annoying it was adorable. One of his friends who's known him forever looked at me, amazed, and said how cute that was and how he's never seen Justin be that affectionate with anyone ever. All night everyone kept saying how cute we were, which surprised me because his friends are usually so guy-ish and just talk about beer and bitties and what not.
So that made me happy. And I think we're getting along better than we have in a long time.
I decided last night I don't ever want to seriously date anyone again. It would be too much effort and I would never want to go through the pain of another serious breakup. He's just everything I could ever want, without getting carried away. Maybe I don't really mean all this but it did occur to me for a few minutes last night at around 2 in the morning as I was drifting off to sleep. Maybe it's got something to do with the fact that my Nana keeps asking my mom if Justin and I are going to get married. That freaked me out a little...
I just hope we can continue to support eachother and be there for eachother in our times of need and good times as well. It's odd- a few weeks ago he freaked out when I offered him a key to my apartment, but then a week later he asked me if he got a job in the airlines and had to move if I would go with him. Boys are so confusing. I think maybe the loss of his parents has left him with a lot of issues learning how to deal with his emotions. I know he loves me but I don't think he's able to fully process it. Maybe he's afraid to fully love someone because he's afraid they'll die. Who knows. I just hope I can be there for him while he figures it all out.
I can't wait for Jen Reigle to come back. I miss her so much. I even miss Chris, although he's going to have to keep his things out of our refridgerator. I've been spoiled for the past few months and I've gotten used to it, and I'm not about to change :-)
I've grown by leaps and bounds as a person while in college. I wouldn't change a thing, good or bad. I'm happy with who I've turned out to be and the kinds of amazing people I have in my life. I don't know what I'll do when we all decide to split up. I've been so blessed with my friends and my family and with Justin. I know that no matter what, I will always look back upon these times and smile.