(no subject)
Well it has been nearly two years since I last wrote in this (The damn thing says that I have writers block, woo it’s not lying). That’s a long time to some people, but it has flown by so fast that I barely noticed. I have had 2 cell phones, 4 jobs, 1 cat, 3 boyfriends, 6 lovers, countless arguments with my mother, more packs of cigs then I can remember, lost friends and got them back again only for them to move away, gained some new ones, learned that I have this talent to make my friends laugh at the cost of my pride (but who needed pride anyways) and yet here I am 21 years old and not truly happy with where I am. That’s my fault, I surround myself with people that… I don’t know how to explain it, not really drag me down just keep me where I am. I want to move forward. I want to give that wall that I have up a punch and watch it tumble down. But I have to change somethings about myself that I seem to keep repeating.
Taylor and I have stopped talking. Seems like he wasn’t the person I thought he was. And yet I still wonder how he is doing. I guess three years of talking to them almost everyday, will do that to you. Right now in his eyes I am just a fat-assed drama queen. I guess in some ways he is right. I do have a fat ass. Lol, but honestly the drama sometimes just seems to create itself. Just when I think life is going smoothly something happens. But I do miss him, even though I think that he should say sorry too for all the lies, but you don’t always get what you want do you?
I am with a man that I have liked since high school. Came as a surprise that he liked me too but couldn’t find that courage to ask me out for fear of being made fun of for dating a "thick chick". Sweet isn’t it? And he confessed that he liked me after watching me make out with someone. Jealousy he told me, I laughed and asked, "What did you expect me to wait for your affection forever?" He basically said yes. That was forgot and I thought life was going well and such. I was working 10-hour days to pay rent for the both of us because his job paid shit, and then we get into an argument over money and where it is going and he vanishes for 2 days. No call, no nothing. I freaked after seeing the conversation that his dumb ass left open for me to see with this girl from work. Needless to see I could see the game that she was playing with him right then and he fell for it. So he comes back on a Sunday morning high and looking like death was breathing down his neck. He had slept with her, and my world came crashing down. I have no idea why I put up with the tug of war over him for 2 weeks. Why I couldn’t hold any food down or why I couldn’t stop crying. Maybe because I love him? And why am I still with him even though I can’t stop thinking about the what ifs, and replaying that pain in my heart. Am I just waiting for the right person to come along? Or am I that afraid to be alone? Or is the fact that I couldn’t stand to see him happy with someone else? I wish someone would just smack me back into reality…
I think the person that I miss most is Johnny. He was my anchor, my light to reality… the bastard didn’t even let me know he was in pain till I get a call from my girlfriend Michelle telling me that he is laying in a puddle of his own blood and spit. I just remember running in, scooping him up and holding him close whispering that I loved him, that I was sorry and that everything would be okay now that I was home… 6 hours later he was gone forever… Damn I miss that little bastard.
I miss my gram too. She was my anchor to my family. One day she was sick and couldn’t breathe and the next she was getting ready to leave and go home but then fell ill again suddenly. If my job then wasn’t so hard on me for attendance I would have gotten the call sooner to come down to say good-bye. I was on the phone when she passed… I hated hearing that monitor flat line, I wanted to scream, "This isn’t fair! Why? Grams fool them all! Pop up and go boo!" Reality hit me when I saw her ashes in the urn… I feel like I am talking about all this like a detached person telling someone else’s life, but honestly I don’t really talk to other people about this at all. I tend to just smile and push it all back with all the other baggage, and I have cried more then enough tears this year.
Well I think I am done with all the depressing stuff for now and I will try to update more often with the day by day shat. Much love. <3