(no subject)
so chris was looking through my camera and saw this, and asked if it was a photogram, and i had a minor issue recalling what that meant [it's the stuff Man Ray did, with objects on photo-sensitive paper so you get negative silhouettes of the objects.. though Man Ray did rayograms, which are pretty freakin similar. my photograms are in my photo1 sketchbook. good times.]
this photo was trying to show my different and varying degrees of self-medicating.
when i was 16, Amy [in her infinite wisdom] told me that "bracelets work better than lies and band-aids."
thus.. "are you a bad fish too?"
the other bracelet-- the less-than-beaded one-- came from CpR. we had beads and string and we went around putting a bead on people's strings and telling them how they've raised us up. [or saying things to raise them up]. a bit antithetical that this bracelet made its way into my menagerie of hiding-bracelets.. but it makes sense, it makes sense to cover up with the love you have in a place you belong. you take that love and use it and feed on it and it makes the bad things go away.. the bad truths seem less true, when you cover them with love.
and the cigarettes were new as of summer after senior year -- senior week, and half-hour antsy speeding drives to Mount Airy, and general sketchfesting worked that out. i was told i was hyper a lot when i was a kid -- always told to calm down, always told to "settle down".. being mellow doesn't work for me, my mind is always racing and my hands are always moving, and the adrenaline puts me back in that childlike state of hyperactive overload. it's calming, and reminiscent. better than being in the adult sense of somber responsibility.
and i've been told that i should "look into treatment," on several occasions
but who isn't in denial when they hear something of that sort?
who wants to admit that they can't deal with things properly?
who wants to be told that they're methods of dealing are failed, or flawed?
the bright green and the orange and basically all the colors.. are my life now.
bright and shiny and sometimes synthetic.. but still aesthetically pleasing.
and you can take whatever doctors give you, take the real medicine, or you can find your own ways of being ok.
and that's usually more effective, anyway.