(no subject)
so i laid down to take a nap
which was a worthless effort because i haven't slept well in about five days.
well, this whole semester
but really these past five days.
and what's weird is that as tired as i am, i still can't fall asleep.
it's horrendous.
and not the point.
i was curled up in my bed like i always sleep
but it was hot
so i kicked off the covers and spread out like a starfish
which is how i sleep at home to take advantage of the big bed space.
and spreading out and taking up the whole bed was this strange revelatory experience.
i started thinking about how when you share a twin bed, you have to really take up as little space as possible.
you perfect the art of squishing yourself against the wall, or turning yourself into a thin strip of person.
either that, or you cuddle til you can't cuddle no more.
but i can't sleep with skin-to-skin contact. [not even my own]
and spreading out and taking up the whole bed got me thinking
that maybe i SHOULD be sleeping like that.
maybe i shouldn't be squishing into the tiniest person possible
in order to fit more people into my bed [= life].
maybe i should be taking up all of the space allotted to me
instead of being so quiet that i almost turn inside out.
maybe i don't need to fit people into all that extra space i create,
but i should fit myself in there.
maybe instead of worrying where the other people will fit
i should worry about how i can make the best of all that space.
ok, so in Gilmore Girls, when Dean first broke up with Rory..
she put all of the Dean stuff in a box, and told Lorelai to throw it away.
Lorelai, being the ever-wise woman that she is,
put it in the top of the coat closet.
and Rory later went back and was glad that the box was still there.
that's what i did this past summer when Matt and I broke up.
i put everything in there, everything everything
his cigarettes and mine, [because i only smoked with him]
his clothes and cds and the jewelry he gave me
his letters and notes and everything.
and i went in the Matt box recently to get my Tiffany's necklace
because it's so darn cute,
and i realized that none of the stuff affects me anymore.
his sweatshirts and the boxes of cigarettes and his pajamas
none of it.
i knew its significance, and i knew why it had been put away,
but i wasn't sad about it anymore.
it's weird because i was SO sad when we broke up.
i couldn't watch tv or listen to music without breaking down
i had to leave Arundel Mills because i passed the engagement-ring-shopping store.
everything got to me. because i shared everything with him.
and as much as i hurt, and as much as i wanted him back,
i don't want that anymore. and i'm much better now.
but it's so weird to think that it can ever be better again.
like, i think about the relationships that have ended due to the boys
[not the ones i ended.. those endings were ok]
and i was so sad when it happened, and i couldn't imagine it ever being better.
but look at me -- i don't really think about them at all anymore.
everybody keeps saying that maybe i should be single,
maybe i should give that a try..
i've tried it, and i'm not a fan.
but maybe i don't have to be single to give myself space.
and allow myself to open up and not be inside out and maybe respect myself.
i can let people in without devoting half of my being to them.
i don't have to take everything so much to heart.
amy told me in 11th grade.. when she first found out
that i need to learn "not to internalize."
i have a very very big heart and i throw chunks of it all over..
to my friends and my family and my relationships
i just chip away huge pieces of my heart and let them go everywhere
and i don't save any of it for myself.
and that's bad.
i should try not to let myself invest so much in everything.
some things should just be casual and not delved into.
some friendships and relationships should be fleeting, and that shouldn't bother me.
i don't need to invest myself wholly in everything.
that's what i'm learning.
i'm not saying i want to be done.
i'm saying i want to be less invested.
because i want to stop taking things so personally
and i want to stop making things hurt myself
[because the things in themselves are not hurting me].
i want it to be so good, and so perfect, like it felt.
[this can also be read with "people" replaced with "boy."]