no pain inside. you're like perfection.
I can't figure myself out sometimes! A week or two weeks ago I posted about how I'm terrified of relationships. (I don't think I mentioned this in that post, but usually, the idea of a girl-girl relationship is less terrifying than a girl-guy relationship. The reason for that is probably just because most people don't have any idea that I'm bisexual - no one in my family does and it's like I feel that since no one really knows, I'm actually less likely to pursue that kind of relationship. I think.) What prompted that post was the fact that we hired someone at work that gives me butterflies in my chest every time he even walks in the damn building. ! Never happened to me before. Ever. It took me a while to realize exactly what I was feeling. I had no clue that what I was feeling was probably a "crush" on this guy, for lack of a better word (?) and since I didn't know how to describe to myself what was going on, I ended up feeling afraid that he would approach me in that way.
Let me just say that in the past couple weeks (I almost spelled that WEAKS, which probably would have worked also...) I've gone from being afraid that he would approach me to being afraid that he won't. And that feels worse than before. (I say it feels worse, but I don't mean that I feel bad. I feel the complete opposite! It feels good to realize that I feel like that about someone. Just seeing him at work, even if it's just from far away and he doesn't even know I am looking at him, makes me feel better. I hope I don't sound like a stalker, hah.)
Even though we work in the same building, he's usually upstairs and I'm usually downstairs. I try to say hi to him every time I see him, so whenever he comes downstairs for something or I go up, I will. I get nervous and sometimes I don't, but I'm trying to stop feeling nervous about it. I doubt ignoring him would be good for anything! Whenever I see him it's only in passing. The only time I saw him for a longer period of time was when he was first hired because all newhires must go through me before they can start working in the store. And of course that was before I realized anything. I had just met him then. (Actually, we went to middle school together but I barely knew him then.) Another problem is my nervousness and my shyness which together make things difficult in many situations. *sigh* I've still felt so incredible the past week, though!
I don't know much about how a woman's menstrual cycle could effect hormones and emotions and such things. I do know that the main reason I went to see a therapist a while back ended up being PMDD. So I know that it can effect a lot. This might be too-much-information for some people, but it's relevant. If you don't want to read it you can just skip it. :) I started my period around two days ago and I'm not sure if the two weeks before it could have been so emotionally charged because I was going to start it. Any thoughts, anyone that's reading? I kind of hope it doesn't have that much to do with because I don't want this feeling to go away.
I don't know if I've ever felt this good without alcohol or pills of some kind. That makes me feel a little sad because what it if goes away?
I'm yelling at myself in my head that it won't. I shouldn't think of stupid things like that because then I really will start to feel worse.
I've also been functioning on not enough sleep for a week or so. I can't go to sleep until at least past 11:30 and I always wake up at 5:30 or so. Friday night I was up until almost 3! That's mostly because I was at a friend's house though. We cut and dyed my hair which took a while, and then we watched the movie Kids (crazyass movie, btw). I woke up Saturday morning at 5:30 again. I did nap on Saturday afternoon, though. It's 6:34 am on Sunday now and I've been up about an hour already. The point I meant to bring up is, how lame am I? It seems I can't even sleep because I'm always thinking about him. ;)
My appetite has also dropped again. (This has been an issue for months already, though, as I have mentioned before.) Periodically, I will have a few minutes where I will feel hungry and want to eat. Silly me I don't always take advantage of these moments. I'm still at 120 though. Instead of any lower like before. I can't wear some of my clothes anymore now. They fit okay when I was over 130, but they are about to fall off now. =\ Shopping's therapeutic right? New wardrobe time? Haha.