(no subject)
I'm sure I've mentioned it in this journal before, but just in case I haven't: I have a phobia of spiders. It is kind of on a continuum: it ranges from very intense/severe to fairly light (compared to the opposite option)/not-so-bad-but-still-a-bit-afraid. It probably seems from some of my recent posts that I have no fear whatsoever, what with keeping the little critters in tupperware dishes with medicine-bottle-retreats and feeding them. That's so far from the truth. Sometimes I guess I can get a lot bolder than I ever have been before. When I was in high school I wouldn't fucking even go in the same ROOM/BUILDING as a spider if I could help it.
The fear is yoyo-ing these past couple of months. I went from feeding the female in the tupperware and being totally fascinated (with very little fear) to tonight and what just happened five minutes ago. So what happened five minutes ago...? *shudder*
I was in the kitchen getting some lorazepam ready for my dad. It's liquid so I use a plastic syringe to suck it out of the bottle. I'm doing my thing, no big deal, when all of a sudden, in my peripheral vision, I notice something that it takes a few seconds to register. The male spider I didn't manage to kill a few nights ago by my front door had made its way to the dining room where I saw it earlier today, to my kitchen. I was maybe five or six inches away from a framed painting of fruit (I'm bad at estimating distances and it probably seemed a lot closer than it actually was knowing me) and the little guy was crawling along the bottom. I'd fucking PAY to see my face once I realized what was fucking on the wooden frame. @#$% I can't even describe it, really. It felt like a mixture of disgust, surprise, fear, and something else I don't even have a name for.
I seriously don't understand how I can react that way sometimes and not others. But it was fucking bad tonight. The spider kept stumbling and falling (while connected to a line of silk so he wouldn't fall completely) and freaking me the fuck out because I thought he'd fall on me. I'm sort of ashamed to admit it but I did the first thing that popped into my anxiety-and-panic-addled brain. I got fucking kitchen cleaner and sprayed him. Let me just inform you that if you want to kill a spider with ANY KIND OF SPRAY, please use Raid. (I would have but I don't know where my can is now and let's face it, in the face of that intense a fear that came over me, it didn't matter what I used.) Kitchen cleaner does NOT kill spiders (or at least this poor guy) right away. :( Not even CLOSE. He wandered around obviously crippled and I sprayed him again. HE STILL WOULDN'T DIE. He eventually wandered off the kitchen counter and fell onto a rug (this is most likely a sign he was nearing the end at least because he probably wouldn't have charged off the counter if he was okay - he was being very cautious before I stepped into his little world). I went and grabbed a shoe and squashed him. *shudder*
I feel bad but during the moment nothing really makes sense. The thing that's scaring me doesn't seem like an insignificant spider (insignificant compared to me, not in general) and I even told myself during it that this was a fucking little "BUG" thing and I was being retarded by letting it fucking GET to me the way it was. In those types of moments, though, all my body or whatever tells me is that this is practically fear incarnate, that just because this animal has four pairs of legs and two body sections, that it's my nemesis. That makes it sound really drastic/dramatic. But you know what? It totally is at the time. I hate that feeling! I have no control over it. I guess I've at least gotten to the point where I'm not like that every damn time I see a spider. I just don't usually have any idea how I will react until I'm already doing it and causing some poor creature pain. (I also realize that it IS just a spider - it's not QUITE the same as if I decided I want to poison a cat with kitchen cleaner because I was afraid of it for no good reason. I know spiders feel pain - they must, right?- but it's not the same kind of pain as an animal with higher reasoning. -Does that make sense...?- After one of these little phobic episodes I always feel super guilty about killing the spider and not being able, in the moment, to do it quickly because I'm so damn paralyzed. )
There was sort of a new element tonight, though. I say sort of because it may have played a very small role in previous episodes but not very noticeable. Tonight when I watched that damn spider crawl across the counter toward me, I wanted to be sick. It wasn't exactly nausea, but similar. It felt like I was going to gag. (Over the same exact kind of spider that I was snapping tons of pix of a couple weeks ago!) It wasn't fun.
I think the silliest thing I do (I say it's silly because it's definitely going to sound that way, but during the moment, it's not a silly feeling at all - it's a horrible one) during these kinds of things is project HUMAN emotions onto the object of my terror. Like, this tiny little spider who has a leg span the size of a quarter-dollar is coming toward me thinking (yes THINKING, hah) that it needs to interact with me because it can sense how utterly terrified I am of it. I end up saying things out loud that are absolutely ridiculous. I fucking called a spider a sonuvabitch tonight! Now that I'm calming down thanks to .5mg alprazolam (and getting this off my chest into my LJ) I can totally laugh at myself. I called a fucking spider a name. Intense fear is indescribable and you don't get it until you've really been there. I'm sure most people have. It's just with different things.
The sad thing about this stupid phobia is this: since I can't predict my reactions anymore, I don't know if getting a pet tarantula would even be feasible for me at all. Ever. They're so beautiful and intriguing and awesome, but if a small spider in my kitchen did this to me, I probably wouldn't be a good owner to an expensive pet. =\ Maybe some day. I wouldn't want to waste money or put one of them in danger. The last thing you want to do is buy a pet and kill it on purpose by neglecting it because you're paralyzed with fear. I guess I'll have to think about this pretty hard. I don't know why, but when I think of tarantulas, they are in a different place in my mind. I don't usually get as many chills down my spine when I look at T pix than of other spiders. I mean, they really ARE different taxonomically. But you'd think that if a tiny spider scares the shit out of me a 5 or 6 inch leg span spider would give me a fucking HEART ATTACK. Who knows.
Anyway. Had to get that out. And you know what? Don't be surprised if I post an entry next week about a spider I find out in my yard or something and how cool it is. It could totally happen. ;)
<3
The fear is yoyo-ing these past couple of months. I went from feeding the female in the tupperware and being totally fascinated (with very little fear) to tonight and what just happened five minutes ago. So what happened five minutes ago...? *shudder*
I was in the kitchen getting some lorazepam ready for my dad. It's liquid so I use a plastic syringe to suck it out of the bottle. I'm doing my thing, no big deal, when all of a sudden, in my peripheral vision, I notice something that it takes a few seconds to register. The male spider I didn't manage to kill a few nights ago by my front door had made its way to the dining room where I saw it earlier today, to my kitchen. I was maybe five or six inches away from a framed painting of fruit (I'm bad at estimating distances and it probably seemed a lot closer than it actually was knowing me) and the little guy was crawling along the bottom. I'd fucking PAY to see my face once I realized what was fucking on the wooden frame. @#$% I can't even describe it, really. It felt like a mixture of disgust, surprise, fear, and something else I don't even have a name for.
I seriously don't understand how I can react that way sometimes and not others. But it was fucking bad tonight. The spider kept stumbling and falling (while connected to a line of silk so he wouldn't fall completely) and freaking me the fuck out because I thought he'd fall on me. I'm sort of ashamed to admit it but I did the first thing that popped into my anxiety-and-panic-addled brain. I got fucking kitchen cleaner and sprayed him. Let me just inform you that if you want to kill a spider with ANY KIND OF SPRAY, please use Raid. (I would have but I don't know where my can is now and let's face it, in the face of that intense a fear that came over me, it didn't matter what I used.) Kitchen cleaner does NOT kill spiders (or at least this poor guy) right away. :( Not even CLOSE. He wandered around obviously crippled and I sprayed him again. HE STILL WOULDN'T DIE. He eventually wandered off the kitchen counter and fell onto a rug (this is most likely a sign he was nearing the end at least because he probably wouldn't have charged off the counter if he was okay - he was being very cautious before I stepped into his little world). I went and grabbed a shoe and squashed him. *shudder*
I feel bad but during the moment nothing really makes sense. The thing that's scaring me doesn't seem like an insignificant spider (insignificant compared to me, not in general) and I even told myself during it that this was a fucking little "BUG" thing and I was being retarded by letting it fucking GET to me the way it was. In those types of moments, though, all my body or whatever tells me is that this is practically fear incarnate, that just because this animal has four pairs of legs and two body sections, that it's my nemesis. That makes it sound really drastic/dramatic. But you know what? It totally is at the time. I hate that feeling! I have no control over it. I guess I've at least gotten to the point where I'm not like that every damn time I see a spider. I just don't usually have any idea how I will react until I'm already doing it and causing some poor creature pain. (I also realize that it IS just a spider - it's not QUITE the same as if I decided I want to poison a cat with kitchen cleaner because I was afraid of it for no good reason. I know spiders feel pain - they must, right?- but it's not the same kind of pain as an animal with higher reasoning. -Does that make sense...?- After one of these little phobic episodes I always feel super guilty about killing the spider and not being able, in the moment, to do it quickly because I'm so damn paralyzed. )
There was sort of a new element tonight, though. I say sort of because it may have played a very small role in previous episodes but not very noticeable. Tonight when I watched that damn spider crawl across the counter toward me, I wanted to be sick. It wasn't exactly nausea, but similar. It felt like I was going to gag. (Over the same exact kind of spider that I was snapping tons of pix of a couple weeks ago!) It wasn't fun.
I think the silliest thing I do (I say it's silly because it's definitely going to sound that way, but during the moment, it's not a silly feeling at all - it's a horrible one) during these kinds of things is project HUMAN emotions onto the object of my terror. Like, this tiny little spider who has a leg span the size of a quarter-dollar is coming toward me thinking (yes THINKING, hah) that it needs to interact with me because it can sense how utterly terrified I am of it. I end up saying things out loud that are absolutely ridiculous. I fucking called a spider a sonuvabitch tonight! Now that I'm calming down thanks to .5mg alprazolam (and getting this off my chest into my LJ) I can totally laugh at myself. I called a fucking spider a name. Intense fear is indescribable and you don't get it until you've really been there. I'm sure most people have. It's just with different things.
The sad thing about this stupid phobia is this: since I can't predict my reactions anymore, I don't know if getting a pet tarantula would even be feasible for me at all. Ever. They're so beautiful and intriguing and awesome, but if a small spider in my kitchen did this to me, I probably wouldn't be a good owner to an expensive pet. =\ Maybe some day. I wouldn't want to waste money or put one of them in danger. The last thing you want to do is buy a pet and kill it on purpose by neglecting it because you're paralyzed with fear. I guess I'll have to think about this pretty hard. I don't know why, but when I think of tarantulas, they are in a different place in my mind. I don't usually get as many chills down my spine when I look at T pix than of other spiders. I mean, they really ARE different taxonomically. But you'd think that if a tiny spider scares the shit out of me a 5 or 6 inch leg span spider would give me a fucking HEART ATTACK. Who knows.
Anyway. Had to get that out. And you know what? Don't be surprised if I post an entry next week about a spider I find out in my yard or something and how cool it is. It could totally happen. ;)
<3