(no subject)
My family decided without me (for me) what we are doing for my birthday this year. Again. And it's the same thing we did last year. They decide that we are going to get together as a family and eat cake and ice cream. I fucking hate that they do this. My dad basically thinks I enjoy having to put up with my brother's stepkids for the night. He assumes I'm going to enjoy eating cake (HELLO. Have you not even noticed I don't eat much anymore and now you're going to try to get me to eat fucking cake?!) even though I didn't eat any last year when we had the same bullshit "get-together." None of them do it for me. They do it for themselves. If it was really for me, they'd realize I don't want to fucking to do it. My dad would realize that when I was, "Would you mind if I just holed up in my room the entire evening?" that I'm NOT joking. He never even asked me if this whole stupid thing was okay. The other night he asked if I wanted a red velvet cake for my birthday this year (I used to always get one). I told him no. "Well what do you want then." "Nothing." In one ear and out the other. I don't want to do anything for my birthday. It hardly means anything to me anymore. Why can't they all just realize that? I just sit there and feel bad because I wish I was somewhere else and I feel like I should be enjoying things. My family always makes me feel like I should enjoy the same kinds of things that they do. I don't. I won't. I'm kind of thinking of maybe finding one of my friends that will go do something unremarkable with me, like have dinner at some cheap lousy place we always used to frequent back in the day. Ditch the fucking family. Why, though? So they can make me feel guilty for it later? I always have to do what they want me to do or else I get a guilt trip. I doubt my mother will even make it down anyway. Whatever. I wish Monday night would never come so I don't have to deal with all their shit.
I hate December.
Lately I've been realizing that I dislike myself even more than I normally do. I'm starting to dislike my job, but not because of the job itself (I don't mind what I do) but because I'm really beginning to dislike almost every single person I work closely with. There's something about everyone that drives me nuts. I wish I didn't have to see any of them. Ever. Again. I'm lucky to even have the job I do, and I feel bad for not liking them.
I hate that I can't talk to people. Usually I just don't want to, but even when I do, I don't know what to say. I can think of things to say later when the moment has passed, but that doesn't help at all because anything I think of flits away from me almost immediately, and especially when I try to talk to someone again. I feel like something huge and possibly important is passing me by even as I type this (actually, it's not something but someone) and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I feel like it won't ever have a chance of happening now or ever again and it makes me sad and hateful (toward myself).
I have begun to snap at people. I don't usually do that. Out loud. I usually keep it to myself. It feels like a bad sign that I am gradually slipping.
I haven't even wanted to see my (year old) nephew. I used to crave seeing him. Now I don't really care all that much whether I do anymore.
My family just seems all together messed up. All of us put together. My sister is staying with her abusive alcoholic husband. I'm a hateful depressed maladroit fucked up MESS of a person who's never even had a boyfriend or a girlfriend (and can't even talk to the one person I wish would be that for me). My mom doesn't even seem to like us anymore - what else could spending holidays without us mean? My dad is on some religious kick and just seems hypocritical half the time now. I could probably go on, but I won't.
My friend's supposed to be here at my house soon so we can go out and do whatever. I don't know what yet, but I just can't fucking sit here in this house anymore today. I started doing laundry and then left in in the washing machine. Which means I'll have to rewash it tomorrow so that when I dry it all my clothes won't be wrinkled when I go to work on Monday (the day I wish would fade away into nothing). I woke up at three this morning and watched a movie and spent some time on the 'net, read a little bit, just did nothing for a while. Then I slept again until about 10:30 am, watched the same movie again. I made myself get out of bed and sit in our living room reading for a while so I could feel less lethargic. It helped a little, as did a shower and putting my makeup on, getting dressed, texting my friend about going out. I want to cry today. I wanted to cry yesterday. I can't stand things.
I just feel like ripping my hair out sometimes. Or throwing myself into traffic. Throwing my sleeping pills across the room the next time my dad asks me how I slept the night before. I go through phases when I freak out a little in my head and end up throwing a lot of my stuff in the garbage. At work yesterday, I was sitting there making some files and without really even deciding to, I took the barrette out of my hair and threw it into the trash can under the desk. I do this a lot more than I probably should. I can think of many times (at least five which is too many, in my opinion) and those are just the ones that have taken place in the last 8 years or so. I don't remember whether I did this when I was in high school or when I was a kid. Once I tore through my room and ripped everything off the walls. I went through a bunch of stuff in my apartment once and took it all out to the dumpster. I took my favorite keychains once and threw them into the trash when I showed up for a class once. I destroyed some of my writing once. For some reason I didn't make a file on the computer, and ended up with only a hard copy, which I shredded and put into the trash can before I could change my mind. That's gone forever now and it's something I can't really replace. I feel dangerously close to something like that right now. It's welling up inside me trying to get out. The scary thing is that if it's going to happen I don't think I will try or be able to stop it. It's the natural course of things. It's like a cycle that repeats over and over again with large lulls of time in between.
I didn't weigh myself today. I wouldn't let myself. Not because I didn't want to know. I just didn't want my dad to hear me doing it, and he was out in the living room all day today, unlike usual. So I don't know how much today. Yet.
The therapist I looked up on the internet after calling my insurance has an email and it says you can set up your first appointment by email. I haven't yet. I keep telling myself I will email him Monday sometime. I doubt I will. For some reason I'm too scared to do that. And that makes it all feel that much worse.
I seem to hurt all over right now. My stomach hurts. My shoulder aches (that piercing kind of thing). My teeth hurt even (I think it's my wisdom teeth growing in a little more again). Worse though is the places that hurt that aren't physical.
I'm listening to music right now, some disc from volcom or something. It's nice and loud and a little obnoxious at times. Rock on.