(no subject)
Today passed somewhat less horridly than yesterday. After I wrote my longass entry this morning I went to work an hour early because I couldn't stand the thought of just sitting here anymore. I didn't want to read or play Wii or anything like I would normally do if I had time in the morning. I didn't even spend much time on my makeup, and lately, doing that and my hair kind of makes me feel better, like I have something to focus on. I figure if I care about the way I look (for me if not for anyone else) then I at least care about something, right? This morning I didn't pay too much attention, although I did have to fix my hair (it was like a friggin' hedgehog this morning because I slept on it wet). I didn't enjoy it like I usually do. It's weird that I even started to like doing my hair. I'm almost 27 and I've never really done my hair until the past month or so.
So I get to work and things are hard just like yesterday. My manager even asks me again if I am okay. I just told her that I didn't sleep well and had bad dreams all night. Again, I don't tell her I kind of feel like I'm falling apart at the seams. Then I started to feel a little better closer toward the middle of the day. I felt hungry at lunch and actually ate something today, a good enough amount that it didn't draw any attention (meaning it was enough that no one noticed that it was too little). I actually talked a little more animatedly than yesterday (and wasn't pretending the entire time - just part of it). I managed to be a little more productive today than I was yesterday, I think. I have tomorrow off and am only working a few hours on Friday, so hopefully I can find things to occupy myself. Lately, even though I don't necessarily enjoy working, it at least keeps me busy. Sometimes when I am sitting at home I feel like I'm going crazy. I don't always feel like doing the things I normally like to do and there's nothing else to do. Then my mind wanders around in bad places it shouldn't ever go.
I started the Effexor XR today. My first 37.5 mg pill, or however much it is. Sometimes I have to ask myself if it's worth it, to take something for the depression, because if it doesn't work as well as it should, and you have to stop it to take something else the effect is just awful. I can't believe the last two weeks even happened. Ugh. I know meds can take a while to work but I'm seriously hoping it will work as soon as possible. It's hard to spend time with people during the holidays if you feel like crap. Then my family will get all pissed that I'm not happy or whatever. It's not that easy! Hopefully now that most of my immediate family is a little more aware of what is going on with me, they will be a little more lenient with my attitude and behavior during this time. Usually when I'm feeling low, I don't like to let people know and the feeling comes out as rage and anger and hatefulness. Which of course bugs my family. It's difficult for me to combat this.
I'm not looking forward to the eating thing tomorrow. People always try to get me to eat when I'm not hungry! Maybe there will be enough people there tomorrow that no one will even notice me in the corner or something. It makes me feel sick to eat when I'm not hungry or else I would make myself. My weight fluctuates daily around 2 to 3 pounds difference depending on what I am wearing and what I ate during the day. Seriously, it seems like just eating one regular meal a day can make it fluctuate that much. So the weight loss isn't that drastic, I guess. I'm still maintaining. I haven't been under 117 (at least not in the last 4 years or so). The blue pants I wore today are falling off me and a couple years ago I could barely fit into them. There's a kind of sick pleasure in that. I wish there weren't.