..defaulted..

[sapphireblitz]

I sit back and think about the course of today. then think about the past few weeks. I wish I knew.. what. the fuck. should have truelly come of this. I feel like I made the wrong move. again. but when I try to make the move that I see IS right I cant do it. but apparently everyone sees that I just do this because I enjoy the pain.. hah.. Ive honestly never felt so alone before. every time I hear him I melt. but every time I see you, I melt just as much. I dont understand myself, but I cant win either way. every time my heart beats its just thuds painfully. I really am jealous of everyone. but I cant make myself happy either. Ive realized that. I feel pretty helpless, and it sickens me because Im too scared to say no. I love how I can admit it here but I cant say what I feel anymore. Im not as special as people think. but then again this is just a mess of self pity and fear. -shrugs- I dont know what to do anymore. today was a bit of a reality check. but that still doesnt bring me to the move I should make. before Michael left he said "make yourself happy" and thats been stuck in my head all afternoon. hah.. but I dont even know if you read this anymore... -shivers- I just.. fail.

"I'm on the corner waiting for a light to come on
that's when i know that you're alone
it's cold in the desert water never sees the ground
special ones walk on without sound

told me you love me, that i'd never die alone
hand over your heart let's go on
everyone knowed it everyone has seen the signs
i've always been known to cross lines

i never ever cried when i was feeling down
ive always been scared of the sound
jesus don't love me no-one ever carried my load
im too young to feel this old

nobody knows
nobody sees
nobody but me"

Cold Desert - Kings of Leon