12 more days
So I'm getting married in 12 days. I'm really happy that I am marrying the man of my dreams. I am also very sad because my best friends and my parents wont be there. I've been thinking so much about what I'm leaving behind because soon enough my life with be joined with someone else. I'm thinking about what I used to be, and the fun I used to have when I was younger. In a lot of ways I used to be happier 5 years ago. I supposed because I had people in my life I trusted and who knew me completely and loved me anyway. Allen is that person for me now, I know. But he is the only one these days.
Lately I've felt that all my relationships, except my relationship with Allen, are so unreal and phony. I feel like I can't be honest with anybody about who I am or what I'm thinking because people just don't understand me all that well. My bridesmaids are nice girls, but they're not who I wanted to be my bridesmaids. They are just filling my true friends shoes. I kind of feel stupid for settling for them but what choice did I have?
Is it just me or is it that as we get older it gets harder to find real friends?
I don't know. I'm just tired of putting up a front to impress people because I'm not "acting my age"....I mean dammit! Since when is it UNCOOL to wear graphic tees?! I love graphic tees. One of my bridesmaids laughed at me for wearing my curious george tee shirt! wtf?!! Even Margie told me it was "so immature" to wear certain kinds of clothes...and if anybody understood me, and if anybody was so on my level, it was Margie. But ever since she went to Chicago she's been weird and frankly it's pissing me off. I'm not mature at all I guess. I play video games, still draw cartoons (which apparently is only cool to my students but not to adults), enjoy being stupid and immature, and if I could wear colorful socks that don't match and blue sunglasses all the time I would. I <3 stupid movies like Napolean Dynamite and Anchor Man, and enjoy reading free manga online. I miss being completely happy with who I used to be before college fucked me all up. How do I become that person again?
Don't get me wrong. I'm happy. Allen is perfect. I just need a real friend. Not someone who only knows the "mature"/"adult"/"responsible" Jen, but a friend who enjoys my nerdiness too. I mean, someone besides Allen, cuz he's a nerd too. =)
Lately I've felt that all my relationships, except my relationship with Allen, are so unreal and phony. I feel like I can't be honest with anybody about who I am or what I'm thinking because people just don't understand me all that well. My bridesmaids are nice girls, but they're not who I wanted to be my bridesmaids. They are just filling my true friends shoes. I kind of feel stupid for settling for them but what choice did I have?
Is it just me or is it that as we get older it gets harder to find real friends?
I don't know. I'm just tired of putting up a front to impress people because I'm not "acting my age"....I mean dammit! Since when is it UNCOOL to wear graphic tees?! I love graphic tees. One of my bridesmaids laughed at me for wearing my curious george tee shirt! wtf?!! Even Margie told me it was "so immature" to wear certain kinds of clothes...and if anybody understood me, and if anybody was so on my level, it was Margie. But ever since she went to Chicago she's been weird and frankly it's pissing me off. I'm not mature at all I guess. I play video games, still draw cartoons (which apparently is only cool to my students but not to adults), enjoy being stupid and immature, and if I could wear colorful socks that don't match and blue sunglasses all the time I would. I <3 stupid movies like Napolean Dynamite and Anchor Man, and enjoy reading free manga online. I miss being completely happy with who I used to be before college fucked me all up. How do I become that person again?
Don't get me wrong. I'm happy. Allen is perfect. I just need a real friend. Not someone who only knows the "mature"/"adult"/"responsible" Jen, but a friend who enjoys my nerdiness too. I mean, someone besides Allen, cuz he's a nerd too. =)