Holiday blues?
I don't know what it is I'm feeling, whether it's just the holidays getting me down, or maybe something more, but I'm not sure where my relationship is going anymore. I always joke to others that it's a relationship of convenience, but it's getting to where I'm starting to realize the joke's on me. Is this a relationship of convenience or is there something to it? I have no idea anymore. We don't challenge each other at all. I almost wish he'd cheat or do something so wrong that I would have to dump him without feeling guilty. Sometimes I'm a total bitch that I might think he'd break up with me from being sick of it. I don't know what I'm doing. We've only recently started socializing again, which has been great, but I still feel so sad sometimes.
I don't blame him at all. I blame myself. I never tell him what I want or what I need. I do the crazy bitch thing where I expect him to just know. How is that even fair? Was it fair of me to force him into a relationship so soon after he ended another? It's like he never got a chance to be by himself. I was by myself for years before we got together. Still I feel lost, so would it have made any difference for him? I guess there's no way of knowing.
It doesn't help that we live together. Is that why we're still in this relationship? Cuz we don't want to move? Is that a crazy way to put it? I wouldn't know how to pay the rent if he moved out. I would have to work a lot harder on my business. would I still talk to some of our friends? What would happen? It's a scary thought. Everything would change. But would it be bad? Maybe it would be better for the both of us. He would take initiative in improving his life, and I would with mine. Or maybe we'll both become miserable shells that end up leaving NYC to go back home and just mooch off our parents into our 30s. UGH. That's just awful.
I'm confused. I care about him a lot and I don't want to hurt him. Maybe he feels the same way? We should talk about this. But I'm too afraid to ever bring it up.
I don't blame him at all. I blame myself. I never tell him what I want or what I need. I do the crazy bitch thing where I expect him to just know. How is that even fair? Was it fair of me to force him into a relationship so soon after he ended another? It's like he never got a chance to be by himself. I was by myself for years before we got together. Still I feel lost, so would it have made any difference for him? I guess there's no way of knowing.
It doesn't help that we live together. Is that why we're still in this relationship? Cuz we don't want to move? Is that a crazy way to put it? I wouldn't know how to pay the rent if he moved out. I would have to work a lot harder on my business. would I still talk to some of our friends? What would happen? It's a scary thought. Everything would change. But would it be bad? Maybe it would be better for the both of us. He would take initiative in improving his life, and I would with mine. Or maybe we'll both become miserable shells that end up leaving NYC to go back home and just mooch off our parents into our 30s. UGH. That's just awful.
I'm confused. I care about him a lot and I don't want to hurt him. Maybe he feels the same way? We should talk about this. But I'm too afraid to ever bring it up.