my aunt
i've been thinking a lot about zach, and i asked my father online if he's donating to any charities this holiday season. his response was understandably not one i expected at all. my aunt (father's sister) had a hysterectomy yesterday because they found a form of deadly cancer in her uterus, but it was just a trace and they were hoping the procedure would remove it entirely. but my dad just informed me that the cancer was found in her lymph nodes- a death sentence. now i am sick to my stomach.
i haven't seen my father's side of the family in about four years or more- that includes a lot of cousins, aunts, uncles, my grandmother and her husband andy (my grandfather died shortly after i was born.) this is a predicament of tremendous guilt for me; my parents' divorce really created a lot of awkwardness between people, and i have always been either too messed up or too ambivalent to finally go back there and see everyone on the holidays. each year, it gets even harder. i somehow feel like i would be betraying my mother if i saw them. there's also the issue that they are all alcoholics (excluding the cousins, to the best of my knowledge) and anyone who knows me knows how upsetting drunk people can be for me.
of course, there is no question that i want to and must see my aunt now, for i might not have a lot of time left to delay it. but i don't want my family to think i'd only come to see them when someone is about to die, which is what i'm afraid they'd be thinking. however none of these worries matter, and they're so petty compared to the hell my aunt is going through. i am terrified of sickness and i would never wish it on my worst enemy. i think it's one of the most agonizing and horrendous prices one must pay to live. i wish i remembered the name of my aunt's cancer so i could read up on it more- but asking my father at this moment would be inappropriate.
i haven't seen my father's side of the family in about four years or more- that includes a lot of cousins, aunts, uncles, my grandmother and her husband andy (my grandfather died shortly after i was born.) this is a predicament of tremendous guilt for me; my parents' divorce really created a lot of awkwardness between people, and i have always been either too messed up or too ambivalent to finally go back there and see everyone on the holidays. each year, it gets even harder. i somehow feel like i would be betraying my mother if i saw them. there's also the issue that they are all alcoholics (excluding the cousins, to the best of my knowledge) and anyone who knows me knows how upsetting drunk people can be for me.
of course, there is no question that i want to and must see my aunt now, for i might not have a lot of time left to delay it. but i don't want my family to think i'd only come to see them when someone is about to die, which is what i'm afraid they'd be thinking. however none of these worries matter, and they're so petty compared to the hell my aunt is going through. i am terrified of sickness and i would never wish it on my worst enemy. i think it's one of the most agonizing and horrendous prices one must pay to live. i wish i remembered the name of my aunt's cancer so i could read up on it more- but asking my father at this moment would be inappropriate.