(no subject)
This has been going round & round in my head lately and I haven't come up with any decisions on it. Somehow I doubt that I will, but it's important to put down anyway.
Despite my absence on livejournal, I've been keeping a paper journal. Inconsistantly, but it's more than I have done in years. One of the more recent pages I detailed my current desires. These change frequently- which is one of the reasons that I thought it would be interesting to put specifics down- kind of a record of my priorities, fantasties, & how they change. For all that these desires are whimsical (or temperamental- more likely that's just me,) they tend to border on obsessions. Unrealistic, glorious ideas that have more to do with my consistant satisfaction in mundania than they really should.
I've debated posting the current list of desires. They're really quite simple, nothing scandalous- travel, success, achieving glorious goals, those sorts of things. I think it's too bold. Firstly, laying out my inner thoughts as vulnerable (immature or underdeveloped as they may be.) Secondly, because they tend to be mine. Not necessarily Andy's, not necessarily ours. And so, even though it's important to me to believe in them... I'm always hesitant to even bring them up.
Travel's pretty high on the list. I've never been out of the country. It's not just going- I actually want to spend time and experience the culture and come home with something tangible, an effect, not just another photo album on touristry. The chances of this happening are rather slim. Andy's generally not interested in travel (specially not the kind that I am.) We have to save and put money towards a car and a house and kids if we want them and our darned expensive hobbies/second paychecks. Living out of the country it not only unrealistic, it's impossible with him.
I don't see it happening. I have horrible visions of my mother, who married my father right out of high school and I don't think has ever been farther with him since then than Nags Head. I cannot believe that will be me. It's not a choice of belief, I don't think. It's certainly not a matter of choice now. It probably won't be for years. And this is out of my list, an extremely simplistic example- actually, the simple & most probable of the lot. If this were the one on the list I was worried about, well, I wouldn't be worried at all. But. There are all the rest, complicated and impossible and terribly important to me.
Is it interesting that we persist in believing in things that have little or no chance of happening? Of stuffing our heads so full with dreams that, in reality, would be so competitive in terms of money and time that all of them could never realistically occur? Why on earth do I insist on believing in them anyway, especially when there's not a bloody thing that can be done about it?
I know why: these obsessions are literally what get me through. The mere possibility (because I can't believe it's just hope) that things will not always be predictable and mundane and constantly tied down by payments and mortgages and goddamned western civilization adulthood. (i.e. debt and depression.) What do I do? I'm a banker. Nothing is changing. So do I sit on my hands, waiting and knowing that someday, the opportunities will arise? And that, by that point, it will outweigh the years of mundanity?
And yet. And yet.
I know things won't turn out the way I want them to & that I have little to no control over them (that's the way it feels, at least.) There may be nothing to do but wait, but there's no reason why it can't be productive.