stick a stone in your mouth.
this'll be a long one. i got back from the desert two days ago. what i was doing out there... was star-gazing, trying to escape the confines of this constricting urban sprawl, climbing boulders in joshua tree, skinnydipping, smoking pink cigarettes... indulging in the intoxicating presence of one i harbour no previous attachment for.
in the absence of a roommate i've taken up smoking inside the apartment, leaving small bunches of worn clothes on the bathroom floor, spawling out my possessions all over the kitchen table... i can't seem to get motivated about life. there's no time for anything i want/need to be doing, entirely because i can't help spending all my time slapping band-aids on emotional wounds and stunting mental digressions. i HAVE to get over this. i have a midterm in two days. i have to get over this now.
here's a step in the right direction... tonight i realized that there is a very fine divide between an exacted decision and organic drifting. it's a tight-rope act. the first step is to know what you want... because if you don't, the world won't give you shit. it is unfair to demand anything from anyone if you don't know what you are demanding. upon making a demand, you have to go for what you want. you test to see if your dreams are viable while maintaining a working distance. the organic bit comes in when letting things happen after the demand is made, and prior to deciding a particular course of action to be taken. sometimes i am cosmically amazed by how events pan out... and i like that. i think i need more of it. but i realize that it's up to me to push for my place in the world.
it's like the burden of being short in any sort of rowdy concert environment... i can mosh/dance/flail with the best of them. i assert my personal space... with style. elegant, bold, exacting... but not cold. i don't want to be dead on the inside. even if that means succumbing to my inner girl, and being the emotional wreck from time to time. i'll get over it. i always have.
i know i am not unreasonable... only in my obsessive unfounded fears of dying alone with too many cats as of late... no, i demand that i suck it up, and power through studying for my physics midterm. i demand that i return peoples' neglected emails in my inbox. i demand that i make the time to clean my apartment and apply to internships in the area. i demand that i keep my sights on becoming an excellent surgeon. i demand that i start telling men exactly what i demand rather than keeping silent and getting hurt.
really, nothing is worth over-analysis. except maybe scientific research efforts. but no one and no event in my life right now. i am going to make my demands from life, and have them happen. mais si non... tant pis. there'll always be something else. something organic.
in the absence of a roommate i've taken up smoking inside the apartment, leaving small bunches of worn clothes on the bathroom floor, spawling out my possessions all over the kitchen table... i can't seem to get motivated about life. there's no time for anything i want/need to be doing, entirely because i can't help spending all my time slapping band-aids on emotional wounds and stunting mental digressions. i HAVE to get over this. i have a midterm in two days. i have to get over this now.
here's a step in the right direction... tonight i realized that there is a very fine divide between an exacted decision and organic drifting. it's a tight-rope act. the first step is to know what you want... because if you don't, the world won't give you shit. it is unfair to demand anything from anyone if you don't know what you are demanding. upon making a demand, you have to go for what you want. you test to see if your dreams are viable while maintaining a working distance. the organic bit comes in when letting things happen after the demand is made, and prior to deciding a particular course of action to be taken. sometimes i am cosmically amazed by how events pan out... and i like that. i think i need more of it. but i realize that it's up to me to push for my place in the world.
it's like the burden of being short in any sort of rowdy concert environment... i can mosh/dance/flail with the best of them. i assert my personal space... with style. elegant, bold, exacting... but not cold. i don't want to be dead on the inside. even if that means succumbing to my inner girl, and being the emotional wreck from time to time. i'll get over it. i always have.
i know i am not unreasonable... only in my obsessive unfounded fears of dying alone with too many cats as of late... no, i demand that i suck it up, and power through studying for my physics midterm. i demand that i return peoples' neglected emails in my inbox. i demand that i make the time to clean my apartment and apply to internships in the area. i demand that i keep my sights on becoming an excellent surgeon. i demand that i start telling men exactly what i demand rather than keeping silent and getting hurt.
really, nothing is worth over-analysis. except maybe scientific research efforts. but no one and no event in my life right now. i am going to make my demands from life, and have them happen. mais si non... tant pis. there'll always be something else. something organic.