Of hotels, talks, and pauses.
I'm back at Vassar again after spending three days on pause with Steven at the Days Inn.
First Day: After Steven arrived at the campus at about 4:00, we decided to walk the .8 miles to the Days Inn through the muck and slush. We were both terribly worried about his beautiful trenchcoat, but it turned out fine, luckily. After fiddling with my laptop a bit, we go hungry and walked to the Sushi place. Walked back in the POURING RAIN. A car drove by and sprayed us both. We made a mad dash for the hotel, went inside, changed, and continued to work on the laptop for another 3 hours. We fixed the overheating problem: the layer of dust in the heat sync had reached epic proportions. Once cleared out I can now use my laptop on my bed without propping it up on a rack. Later on at night we lit incense and he gave me a Tarot Card reading which leaked into our discussions the following day.
Second Day: Woke up...ate Biscotti and had coffee...he took a shower, I took a bath... and then we held constant conversation (without stops or awkward silences) over numerous games of Sequence from 12:30 PM to 5:00 AM. It was very important for both of us. We never really figure too much out when we talk to each other (we both usually have ideas forming in our own heads), but it allows us to articulate our beliefs and ideas, making them concrete. It also leads us to make connection after connection until we can both view our lives as passively and analytically as possible. For two people with a lot of shit going on, and a lot of people interfering in our times of private reflection, that day was very important. As a whole the stay was important because it really did feel like a Pause from our lives. I wasn't able to fully reflect and be who I wanted to be because of Brianna. He wasn't able to because he was forced to concentrate on his financial problems. This three days was like a God-given time of clarity. Beautiful.
Third Day: After sleeping for about 5 hours, we got up at 12:00 and sort of mingled around, doing whatever, until the Superbowl. He helped me make more modifications to my laptop and was nice enough to watch the last couple episodes of Cardcaptor Sakura with me (at this point I obsessively needed to see the end--and I think he knew that). Once the Superbowl started I mainly just played around on my computer while he watched. I've never been a big football fan. I don't think either of us minded that the other was attentive: each other's presence was comforting enough. After the Superbowl we played more Sequence and talked and then went to bed around 4:00. We had to get up at 6:45 to prepare things. Needless to say I didn't go to class this morning. Before the cab came we said goodbye in our room. We gave each other a very long hug. We were both completely aware of everything that we'd have to go back to when we had to inevitably press "Play" again. Maybe things won't be as bad since I've finally been able to say everything that's on my mind.
On another note, however, after going back to my dorm and falling asleep in my bed, I had a rather horrible dream. The kind of dream which isn't a nightmare but you might prefer if it was one. The kind of dream that stays with you all day, reminding you of how things will never be. I can't wait to crawl back into bed and shut out the lights and shut out the wicked world once again. I want to shut out the pain I still feel. For the first time, I want to be numb.
First Day: After Steven arrived at the campus at about 4:00, we decided to walk the .8 miles to the Days Inn through the muck and slush. We were both terribly worried about his beautiful trenchcoat, but it turned out fine, luckily. After fiddling with my laptop a bit, we go hungry and walked to the Sushi place. Walked back in the POURING RAIN. A car drove by and sprayed us both. We made a mad dash for the hotel, went inside, changed, and continued to work on the laptop for another 3 hours. We fixed the overheating problem: the layer of dust in the heat sync had reached epic proportions. Once cleared out I can now use my laptop on my bed without propping it up on a rack. Later on at night we lit incense and he gave me a Tarot Card reading which leaked into our discussions the following day.
Second Day: Woke up...ate Biscotti and had coffee...he took a shower, I took a bath... and then we held constant conversation (without stops or awkward silences) over numerous games of Sequence from 12:30 PM to 5:00 AM. It was very important for both of us. We never really figure too much out when we talk to each other (we both usually have ideas forming in our own heads), but it allows us to articulate our beliefs and ideas, making them concrete. It also leads us to make connection after connection until we can both view our lives as passively and analytically as possible. For two people with a lot of shit going on, and a lot of people interfering in our times of private reflection, that day was very important. As a whole the stay was important because it really did feel like a Pause from our lives. I wasn't able to fully reflect and be who I wanted to be because of Brianna. He wasn't able to because he was forced to concentrate on his financial problems. This three days was like a God-given time of clarity. Beautiful.
Third Day: After sleeping for about 5 hours, we got up at 12:00 and sort of mingled around, doing whatever, until the Superbowl. He helped me make more modifications to my laptop and was nice enough to watch the last couple episodes of Cardcaptor Sakura with me (at this point I obsessively needed to see the end--and I think he knew that). Once the Superbowl started I mainly just played around on my computer while he watched. I've never been a big football fan. I don't think either of us minded that the other was attentive: each other's presence was comforting enough. After the Superbowl we played more Sequence and talked and then went to bed around 4:00. We had to get up at 6:45 to prepare things. Needless to say I didn't go to class this morning. Before the cab came we said goodbye in our room. We gave each other a very long hug. We were both completely aware of everything that we'd have to go back to when we had to inevitably press "Play" again. Maybe things won't be as bad since I've finally been able to say everything that's on my mind.
On another note, however, after going back to my dorm and falling asleep in my bed, I had a rather horrible dream. The kind of dream which isn't a nightmare but you might prefer if it was one. The kind of dream that stays with you all day, reminding you of how things will never be. I can't wait to crawl back into bed and shut out the lights and shut out the wicked world once again. I want to shut out the pain I still feel. For the first time, I want to be numb.