watashi no sekai yume to koi to fuan de dekite'ru
^^The song is the Japanese opening...it's really poppy and great! And now I have a whole bunch of images in my head of Li blushing over Sakura and fighting for her!!!^^
Well, with that said, I do have a few updates. Interesting or not.
A few days ago I was on the brink of leaving this place. I was on the brink of a breakdown. My roommate told me that she is having the same problems as my old roommate. I'm always in the room. Apparently living in your own room is a crime deserving of capital punishment, or at the very least, excommunication/banishment. After having this fight (really it was more of a heated DISCUSSION), which mainly consisted of me with my head hanging down and trying not to cry as I said things like, "I don't know where else to go...I don't have any friends..." she left the room, and said, "I don't know either."
Still crying, I fled outside, needing a place of extreme privacy to bawl my eyes out...and why not the 16 degree weather? I ran to a nearby secluded area and leaned against a tree. I called my mother and told her I wanted to leave, that nothing ever worked out for me, that I'm always the one fucking things up. I didn't think anyone would console me. I was prepared to leave the very next day. And then, after my mother hung up to talk to my father, something very strange happened. A moment of kindness, perhaps sent from whoever might be watching us up there. As I stood under the tree, sniffling, a boy walked by and noticed. He asked me if I was alright. I recognized him but I didn't know from where. I said, "No, no not really at all." He asked if I wanted to talk and take a walk. I said yes, utterly shocked. He said he recognized me from Psychology. I found that a little unnerving (I guess I'm not that great with faces so I kept imagining that he might have been staring at me for prolonged periods of time in class), but finding someone who seemed to care about someone they didn't even know...in a world as wicked as this...was too good an opportunity to pass up. We walked and talked and in the span of about 20 to 30 minutes told him everything I could about my first semester of college: my old hall, my old roommate, my lack of friends, my move, my failed relationship...everything. He seemed so kind and understanding. He asked me for my number and suggested we have lunch the next day. We did. The lunch was alright...he's really not my type (ultimate frisbee team, bio-chem major, bro-ish haircut, kind of resembled my cousin Christopher), but he kind of gave me the hope to keep going for a while.
It really is funny how every time I've been on the verge of giving up, I've had some kind of an unexpected sign keep me here. Maybe I'm supposed to be here after all. I just wish it wasn't so hard. Ever since the end of August I haven't gone a single week without feeling miserable at some point. After October Break I went through catastrophe after catastrophe until I reached the worst catastrophe of all. Things seem to be looking up though. I'm eating more, and I've had meals with others on several occasions. Yesterday I had breakfast for dinner with a guy from my old Philosophy class who lives in Bethesda. He asked me what show I was watching on YouTube (I had been too embarrassed to tell most people what show I had been watching), and I reluctantly admitted, "Cardcaptors," and we ended up having a whole conversation about it! I have acquaintances in each of my classes, so I won't even need to worry about feeling lonely. Things seem to be looking up, but slowly.
On Friday, Steven is coming up to see me. He found the least expensive train and promised to come up. I remember, the night before I left, when I saw him, he hugged me for a long time and said, "You know I'd walk to Vassar." Those words put me to sleep that night, and for many successive nights. To know that someone cared about me that much...that they would do anything for me...and really REALLY mean it...well, I've never had that before. I called Steven right after my problem with my roommate arose, and he said he would of course come up to comfort me. He spent the next day finding the cheapest route to get there. He really tried for me. If there is anyone who has ever made me feel special or loved or needed...it is him. I owe him so much over the past month. I don't know what I would've done without his support...probably collapsed from emotional exhaustion and succumbed to utter despair. He's also the only person who I really trust when they say the words, "I've been there." He knows me better than anyone else. It's so comforting to have that. I hope I never lose it.
Well, with that said, I do have a few updates. Interesting or not.
A few days ago I was on the brink of leaving this place. I was on the brink of a breakdown. My roommate told me that she is having the same problems as my old roommate. I'm always in the room. Apparently living in your own room is a crime deserving of capital punishment, or at the very least, excommunication/banishment. After having this fight (really it was more of a heated DISCUSSION), which mainly consisted of me with my head hanging down and trying not to cry as I said things like, "I don't know where else to go...I don't have any friends..." she left the room, and said, "I don't know either."
Still crying, I fled outside, needing a place of extreme privacy to bawl my eyes out...and why not the 16 degree weather? I ran to a nearby secluded area and leaned against a tree. I called my mother and told her I wanted to leave, that nothing ever worked out for me, that I'm always the one fucking things up. I didn't think anyone would console me. I was prepared to leave the very next day. And then, after my mother hung up to talk to my father, something very strange happened. A moment of kindness, perhaps sent from whoever might be watching us up there. As I stood under the tree, sniffling, a boy walked by and noticed. He asked me if I was alright. I recognized him but I didn't know from where. I said, "No, no not really at all." He asked if I wanted to talk and take a walk. I said yes, utterly shocked. He said he recognized me from Psychology. I found that a little unnerving (I guess I'm not that great with faces so I kept imagining that he might have been staring at me for prolonged periods of time in class), but finding someone who seemed to care about someone they didn't even know...in a world as wicked as this...was too good an opportunity to pass up. We walked and talked and in the span of about 20 to 30 minutes told him everything I could about my first semester of college: my old hall, my old roommate, my lack of friends, my move, my failed relationship...everything. He seemed so kind and understanding. He asked me for my number and suggested we have lunch the next day. We did. The lunch was alright...he's really not my type (ultimate frisbee team, bio-chem major, bro-ish haircut, kind of resembled my cousin Christopher), but he kind of gave me the hope to keep going for a while.
It really is funny how every time I've been on the verge of giving up, I've had some kind of an unexpected sign keep me here. Maybe I'm supposed to be here after all. I just wish it wasn't so hard. Ever since the end of August I haven't gone a single week without feeling miserable at some point. After October Break I went through catastrophe after catastrophe until I reached the worst catastrophe of all. Things seem to be looking up though. I'm eating more, and I've had meals with others on several occasions. Yesterday I had breakfast for dinner with a guy from my old Philosophy class who lives in Bethesda. He asked me what show I was watching on YouTube (I had been too embarrassed to tell most people what show I had been watching), and I reluctantly admitted, "Cardcaptors," and we ended up having a whole conversation about it! I have acquaintances in each of my classes, so I won't even need to worry about feeling lonely. Things seem to be looking up, but slowly.
On Friday, Steven is coming up to see me. He found the least expensive train and promised to come up. I remember, the night before I left, when I saw him, he hugged me for a long time and said, "You know I'd walk to Vassar." Those words put me to sleep that night, and for many successive nights. To know that someone cared about me that much...that they would do anything for me...and really REALLY mean it...well, I've never had that before. I called Steven right after my problem with my roommate arose, and he said he would of course come up to comfort me. He spent the next day finding the cheapest route to get there. He really tried for me. If there is anyone who has ever made me feel special or loved or needed...it is him. I owe him so much over the past month. I don't know what I would've done without his support...probably collapsed from emotional exhaustion and succumbed to utter despair. He's also the only person who I really trust when they say the words, "I've been there." He knows me better than anyone else. It's so comforting to have that. I hope I never lose it.