It's just that I've been looosssingg soooooo loooonnngg.

[sans_identity]

I've been feeling very empty lately. Things have started to slow down, everyone has gone back to school. I am all but forgotten in this wicked world. I forgot what it felt like to be alone. It has its good and bad points, although I suppose the bad points mainly stem from remembering what it's like when you're not alone. I know how to be alone, but

Comments

[amoergosum]

i find it very disturbing that when i try to offer some words of wisdom and concern (however bleak they may be) i get shot down but at the same time accused of not fighting for you as a friend. i must admit that you give me very little reason to fight for you as a friend and very little reason to be in your life and keep you in mine. i don't believe in individuals because this world is full of too much self-compromise. you do it, i do it. we all do it. if you want me to lie to you and tell you there is so much to live for and that the world is full of love and beauty i will do that from now on. it seems that you, like the rest of the world, would rather settle for what is pretty than what is true.

you were in my dream last night, but i'm sure you wouldn't want to hear about it. in the last two years i have grown to hate dreams and dreaming. i never seem to have a pleasant one and my fears follow me even in my sleep.

you always say you fight for what you believe in. well, if you are always a soldier for the right then why even question existence. just keep marching and be a martyr. you never have to look back and you never have to keep your eyes up. just watch your feet and believe that you are always correct. that what you believe in is always right and that you are doing a fantastic job at as a soldier should.

i am not so fortunate to have these glowing values and soldier mentality. i question. i challenge. i press on because i have to, not because it is the poetic thing to do. tomorrow is sort of an anniversary for me. tomorrow i will be consistently assured that my life may actually have been worth the 3 years. but then again, it may not be. i may, as i usually do, regret these past 3 years and wish i hadn't have woken up on the 10th. i am not so fortunate so that love can mean the entire world for me and i am not so fortunate that values and beliefs in the tangible or intangible of this world can keep me bound to it with devolution. i am an anti-theist because belief is not enough for me. i am sure that even though i don't like the idea, how i feel dictates most of how i think and what i believe. control is an illusion as well as most choice.

believe what you want. i don't care. you give me very little reason to do so. but until you prove in some way to me that i was ever actually important as a friend i don't want to speak to you anymore. "you make me cry and put me down." i don't have to deal with it out of some value or moral system. i live my life everyday as a struggle to reach its end and if you think its been easy for me then i guess you can rest assured that you aren't losing that great of a friend, but i assure you it hasn't and often when i was with you or with steph or completely alone i wished i hadn't survived the 9th. i wish i hadn't live to see a day when i was anything more than just a music loving depressed kid who took life a little too hard.

you win, dear.
cameron s. rowlett

[kudzzuu]

Good luck with that anniversary. You probably don't remember that the 10th is also my mother's birthday, but hey, maybe you do. I don't know. At the very least I can say that I don't wish you hadn't survived it, rather, I'm glad you did survive it and I wish you didn't wish you hadn't. (hooray for complex sentences). So, wake up on the 10th for another year and I promise someday it'll all have been worth it, even if that's not anytime soon.

[amoergosum]

thank you, steph. this may not be the best forum to express this but much of reason that i survived the nihilism and suicidal tendencies that proceeded the attempt of suicide was because of you. it sounds remarkably cliche but you really gave my life much more meaning than i ever told you and just as you once thanked me for helping you when you needed it, i have to thank you. it has become apparent for me that you were the most destructively essential person in my life up to this point. we may have been complete assholes to each at the end of our relationship/friendship/whatever you want to call the past couple years, but i really couldn't be more thankful that you were that much a part of my life.

love,
cameron s. rowlett