It's just that I've been looosssingg soooooo loooonnngg.
I've been feeling very empty lately. Things have started to slow down, everyone has gone back to school. I am all but forgotten in this wicked world. I forgot what it felt like to be alone. It has its good and bad points, although I suppose the bad points mainly stem from remembering what it's like when you're not alone. I know how to be alone, but, as usual, I didn't ask for this. Once again I'm forced to deal with what someone has thrown upon me in selfish haste. Once again, I'm dealing, but it's taking longer than I'd like.
I miss laughing, I miss sleeping, I miss loving. I miss having a best friend. I miss being called every night and feeling like the whole world was at my fingertips. Now I mostly stay at home and play on my Wii, or watch Hayao Miyazaki movies. Occasionally someone will call and make me smile with promises of plans, but my social life is pretty dead nowadays. I can feel everything stirring around in me, waiting to leap out. I've become remarkably good at emptying my brain, feigning peace. I have a vague inspirational urge to paint, but not even close to the amount of energy needed to do so. I have to finish a commission by the time I leave, and I'm really not looking forward to it.
I saw Juno the other day with an acquaintance of mine. I missed having someone to get giggly and excited with at all the good parts. Or to feel sentimental and loving with. Or even someone who wouldn't find me insane when I pumped my fists in response to Juno's proclamation that Argento was the horror master and not Herschell Gordon Lewis.
I suppose, what I've always wanted, more than anything else, is not a lover, but a best friend. A best friend who won't leave me in the end. They all did. I remember thinking, long ago, "I wonder if even he will leave me for the same reasons?" After all, anyone who has been around me long enough has found me intolerable. I guess I was right. So, why am I so defective? Why can't I just be loved for once. Why am I the one always trying, and always failing? And then there are those that say I deserve better, that I'm great or beautiful or whatever. Everything they used to tell me in response to the other three crucial times my friendship was revoked. If I'm so wonderful then why is it that I'm so intolerable to be around? If I'm so great, why don't I have people calling me to hang out with me all the time (especially during a time that I'm feeling so utterly horrible)? If I'm so beautiful, then why aren't there guys beating down my door with sticks waiting in lines to be with me? Why has no one EVER fought for me, when I have always fought, in any relationship (sexual or non-sexual) that I've ever been in?
I suppose the answer is that the world is a shitty place filled with shitty people. And no one wants to work at anything. Everyone always takes the easy way out. Everyone's out for themselves. No one cares about anyone else. It's a pretty bleak world-view but it's what all of the important people in my life have taught me through their actions. Maybe one day someone will try and change my mind about that, just as I tried to change the minds of those who decided I wasn't worthwhile. But, given my track record, I'm sure that person will stop trying too. What's the point of even living anymore if all of life is trying, giving your all, and then having all of your efforts and your hopes thrown back in your face? Even if the answer lies in the journey and not in the ending, I still don't see what's so wonderful about living to the end of your life and having a whole bunch of happy memories that only ended in despair and disillusionment.
So basically, I'm not planning to push off any time soon, but I'd like someone to tell me why life is worth living. I used to think it was, and I used to think I knew why...but that, as all of you know, failed as miserably as anything else I ever believed in. So...why? Can anyone tell me? Speak up!
I miss laughing, I miss sleeping, I miss loving. I miss having a best friend. I miss being called every night and feeling like the whole world was at my fingertips. Now I mostly stay at home and play on my Wii, or watch Hayao Miyazaki movies. Occasionally someone will call and make me smile with promises of plans, but my social life is pretty dead nowadays. I can feel everything stirring around in me, waiting to leap out. I've become remarkably good at emptying my brain, feigning peace. I have a vague inspirational urge to paint, but not even close to the amount of energy needed to do so. I have to finish a commission by the time I leave, and I'm really not looking forward to it.
I saw Juno the other day with an acquaintance of mine. I missed having someone to get giggly and excited with at all the good parts. Or to feel sentimental and loving with. Or even someone who wouldn't find me insane when I pumped my fists in response to Juno's proclamation that Argento was the horror master and not Herschell Gordon Lewis.
I suppose, what I've always wanted, more than anything else, is not a lover, but a best friend. A best friend who won't leave me in the end. They all did. I remember thinking, long ago, "I wonder if even he will leave me for the same reasons?" After all, anyone who has been around me long enough has found me intolerable. I guess I was right. So, why am I so defective? Why can't I just be loved for once. Why am I the one always trying, and always failing? And then there are those that say I deserve better, that I'm great or beautiful or whatever. Everything they used to tell me in response to the other three crucial times my friendship was revoked. If I'm so wonderful then why is it that I'm so intolerable to be around? If I'm so great, why don't I have people calling me to hang out with me all the time (especially during a time that I'm feeling so utterly horrible)? If I'm so beautiful, then why aren't there guys beating down my door with sticks waiting in lines to be with me? Why has no one EVER fought for me, when I have always fought, in any relationship (sexual or non-sexual) that I've ever been in?
I suppose the answer is that the world is a shitty place filled with shitty people. And no one wants to work at anything. Everyone always takes the easy way out. Everyone's out for themselves. No one cares about anyone else. It's a pretty bleak world-view but it's what all of the important people in my life have taught me through their actions. Maybe one day someone will try and change my mind about that, just as I tried to change the minds of those who decided I wasn't worthwhile. But, given my track record, I'm sure that person will stop trying too. What's the point of even living anymore if all of life is trying, giving your all, and then having all of your efforts and your hopes thrown back in your face? Even if the answer lies in the journey and not in the ending, I still don't see what's so wonderful about living to the end of your life and having a whole bunch of happy memories that only ended in despair and disillusionment.
So basically, I'm not planning to push off any time soon, but I'd like someone to tell me why life is worth living. I used to think it was, and I used to think I knew why...but that, as all of you know, failed as miserably as anything else I ever believed in. So...why? Can anyone tell me? Speak up!