Home is a lost concept now.
Listening to The Wall is certainly helpful. It's nice to have mood music as you slowly build one of your own.
I have seen the writing on the wall...
Don't think I need anything at all.
No. Don't think I need anything at all.
Maybe a lobotomy.
Maybe a new hat.
Maybe a grande latte enema.
My father asked me to think about everything I was thankful for. It is almost Christmas and New Years after all.
I tallied it all up, in no particular order:
My parents
A roof over my head
Food and a warm bed
My cat
Hilary
Marcel
Scott and Alex
Rachel
Any other friends I haven't mentioned
Painting
Good movies
Greta Garbo
But it seems...everything that I'm thankful for doesn't cancel out everything I'm not thankful for:
Being forsaken and alone, once again.
Having no trust in anything
Building a wall
My hate
Never being able to be whole again.
It's unfortunate, isn't it? It's alright if any of you don't care, I suppose I have enough self-pity to go off of. Everyone talks to me about deserves, about what a great person I am and all that jazz. But I don't believe it. I can't believe it. Experience is everything and in all the places that it has mattered most, my being a "great person" hasn't done jack shit. Even when I gave everything and exposed all of myself it didn't do anything. Ultimately I'm a completely useless person, and I shall start treating myself as useless trash as a result. Apparently I'm symbolic of a burden to be lifted, something that weighs people down and must be cast aside if they are to move forward in life. I'm not at all satisfied with this role, but there's not much I can do about it. I suppose being a strong person means that eventually, after you're wonderful and you fix everything and you help others to finally stand up and fight, they leave you. I'm so SICK of being abandoned by those that matter most to me. I'm SICK of caring. I'm SICK of feeling ANYTHING. I'm SICK of giving in and trusting people who ASSURE me that my trust is worthwhile. IT NEVER FUCKING WAS AND IT NEVER FUCKING WILL BE. And so, in short, I will never trust again.
I want to be an empty shell. I want to be comfortably numb.
I see myself running from things. Running from one distraction to the next. I'm usually quite a lazy person but staying in my house and doing sweet simple nothing is agony. I'm not content and so I must run and run and run. If I stay still long enough everything begins to darken and I become very very afraid. But one day, everything will catch up to me and swallow me whole. And then, ladies and gentlemen, I don't know what will become of me.
Will she go insane?
Will she kill herself?
Will she become a whore?
Will she throw away all of her opportunities at VASSAR?
Will she do drugs?
Will she do NOTHING?
Tune in next time.
I have seen the writing on the wall...
Don't think I need anything at all.
No. Don't think I need anything at all.
Maybe a lobotomy.
Maybe a new hat.
Maybe a grande latte enema.
My father asked me to think about everything I was thankful for. It is almost Christmas and New Years after all.
I tallied it all up, in no particular order:
My parents
A roof over my head
Food and a warm bed
My cat
Hilary
Marcel
Scott and Alex
Rachel
Any other friends I haven't mentioned
Painting
Good movies
Greta Garbo
But it seems...everything that I'm thankful for doesn't cancel out everything I'm not thankful for:
Being forsaken and alone, once again.
Having no trust in anything
Building a wall
My hate
Never being able to be whole again.
It's unfortunate, isn't it? It's alright if any of you don't care, I suppose I have enough self-pity to go off of. Everyone talks to me about deserves, about what a great person I am and all that jazz. But I don't believe it. I can't believe it. Experience is everything and in all the places that it has mattered most, my being a "great person" hasn't done jack shit. Even when I gave everything and exposed all of myself it didn't do anything. Ultimately I'm a completely useless person, and I shall start treating myself as useless trash as a result. Apparently I'm symbolic of a burden to be lifted, something that weighs people down and must be cast aside if they are to move forward in life. I'm not at all satisfied with this role, but there's not much I can do about it. I suppose being a strong person means that eventually, after you're wonderful and you fix everything and you help others to finally stand up and fight, they leave you. I'm so SICK of being abandoned by those that matter most to me. I'm SICK of caring. I'm SICK of feeling ANYTHING. I'm SICK of giving in and trusting people who ASSURE me that my trust is worthwhile. IT NEVER FUCKING WAS AND IT NEVER FUCKING WILL BE. And so, in short, I will never trust again.
I want to be an empty shell. I want to be comfortably numb.
I see myself running from things. Running from one distraction to the next. I'm usually quite a lazy person but staying in my house and doing sweet simple nothing is agony. I'm not content and so I must run and run and run. If I stay still long enough everything begins to darken and I become very very afraid. But one day, everything will catch up to me and swallow me whole. And then, ladies and gentlemen, I don't know what will become of me.
Will she go insane?
Will she kill herself?
Will she become a whore?
Will she throw away all of her opportunities at VASSAR?
Will she do drugs?
Will she do NOTHING?
Tune in next time.