(no subject)
I am a total, complete, 100% psychological mess today. I started crying in the grocery store. I am not a crying kind of girl. Titanic, horrific war footage, dead puppies... all failed to produce a single tear. And with the exception of one week in which I cried for a solid half-hour every single night (for a variety of reasons), I do not cry.
I especially never cry in public. So me breaking down in front of an apple display? Was weird.
Of course, I know exactly why I did it. I'm so angry and sick and tired of my parents. They don't care about me, but they micromanage the unimportant stuff while completely failing to recognize anything significant. They fight with each other and make me feel like the stupid, fat and incompetent. I feel trapped with them, because there's no right reponse.
The entire world is made up of jerks and idiots... there are only two people on the planet right now that I care at all about, and one of them I haven't seen in two years. I still care about him, though, and I think about him the way I imagine a widow would... as if I still love him, despite his absence, and still account for him as if someone needs to remember that he ever existed.
I need these two people, and right now I only have one of them and when there are roughly 7 billion people out there you want nothing to do with, that's kind of rough.
Right now, I need two things:
1. Him.
2. To get the hell away from here... with him.
Two is not a lot. Two should not be this hard. If I could just get rid of everything else, I'd be fine.
But I can't. And until I lose twenty pounds, I don't even feel like I deserve to.
And that's why, ladies and gentleman, my eating disorder is necessary.