So I was thinking...
...which is something I've had a fair amount of time to do. Ok, so not really but yea...I've made time, against my will but when you're sick like I am all there is to do is pretty much loaf around and think (because daytime tv really, really sucks). So anyways, I've decided that I'm just going to throw my hands up and take life as it comes.
See, I was talking to my bestie today and she and I are pretty much in the same boat. We're both unhappy, not like depressed unhappy because both of us are managing fine but it's like we're unhappy as opposed to how happy we have been in years past. And let me just get this out of the way, we both agree that 2007 sucks, like seriously. It has been a wicked cycle of one good/happy event followed directly by three bad/unhappy events. The proverbial one step forward, two steps back deal. Can't win for losing really. But oh well with all of that, really, all of this 'dwelling' as she calls it isn't that healthy for either of us.
But it is hard. See, the dilemma that she and I have is that we're lonely. Not lonely as in we are completely and utterly alone but lonely in the sense that we don't have that person to connect with. I have said it before and I shall say it again, I have great friends I really do, but it simply is not the same. I crave for some sort of companionship. Someone to cuddle up with after a particularly retarded day or someone who will just listen to me bitch about my problems. Bless poor Jax's heart because I know he's had more than his fair share of it, but even with as much as I adore him, he cannot fill that role for me. He's too far away and I don't think I want to risk damaging the relationship that I have with him by trying to make him take on that role.
Other than being lonely, I think I'm just tired of trying to be a pillar of strength for everyone else. I feel as though I have the weight of the entire world upon my shoulders but I don't have anyone who is there to carry it for me. I wouldn't give up those around me for the world but I don't think that I can stay strong, not even for them. It has been entirely too long since I've sat down and taken real time for myself (thanks to Neo for helping me to realize this) but at the same time, time is something that I do not have. Between working part-time (midnights mind you), going to school full-time and maintaining a household in whatever time is left (which is usually none) I'm trying to catch up on sleep. It is hard, Lord knows it is hard, but it is my life and it has been for years. In a sense it is all that I know. I've taken care of everybody else for more than 7 years now, I don't know where to start.
Relationship-wise, I'm screwed. I have been forever. I can't maintain a decent relationship to save my life. I've not been on a date in forever and I'm so damned disfunctional that it isn't even worth the time or the makeup to attempt dating again. Ugh, I'm a basket case that is so funny to me! Believe me when I say it's not that I don't love myself because I do, I love myself silly. But it's a love/hate thing. I cannot stand parts of my personality but again with a catch-22 because I don't have the time to change myself. But all the same, I am all that I have. Now I see why I'm so needy. Something is going unfulfilled and I try so hard to satiate that need.
It's a fight everyday. Within myself I see that it would be just so easy to submit and revert back into my old ways. I guess I will always see myself in this negative light. Which is incredibly odd because I do not see myself as a negative person. Granted, I haven't been happy-go-lucky in a long time but I feel as though I've remained optimistic throughout it all. I just don't know. Maybe it would be easier if I just had someone to tell me how I need to be. I think that's what I'm needing or wanting rather, I want someone to be strong and decisive for me, so I don't have to.
I just noticed, I say 'I' entirely too much.
Moving on.
How does the quote go, "That which does not kill me, makes me stronger"? By George, by the time this is over I should have nerves and emotions that could stop fucking Superman!
Maybe all of this is why I play games so much? Since I'm such of an emotional wreck, I play games with everyone else? Am I really projecting my unhappiness unto everyone else? Damn, maybe I really am a bitch. Ah, but who knows for sure, besides, if I keep judging myself like this I'm going to become what I think I am. And that wouldn't be pretty for any of us.
I'm a strong believer in karma and I've been trying to do good, but I can't get rid of this paranoid feeling that this year has been nothing but cumulative punishment for all of my past misdeeds. Have I been such a douche for real? I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I mean sure, I've got an attitude and I can be a real cunt, but with one exception I can't think of any examples of me going out of my way to make someone else's life miserable. And surely I was justified in that one case. Or at least I see it that way.
Ok, it's time to coat the mask back upon my face. Let me hide again from the world. Speaking of which, let me get this off of my mind, or at least attempt to. Most everyone knows that I'm vain, I openly admit it, I'm in love with my face, always have been. The sheer amount of time that I spend primping in a mirror is regoddamneddiculous. But here's a juicy little secret, as fond as I am of my face, I have to laugh at everyone else. It's a mask, carefully painted and always on display. I'm a liar, I've always been, with tears in my eyes I swear that I'm fine. It's all I've known. So I despise myself, this lie that I wear on my face. But, I get seriously irked whenever someone sees through it. How about that for bass-ackwards! Freddy's the only one that calls me on it, so what do I do? Put on more makeup, force a bigger smile, and sell the lie. Damn, I really ought to go into marketing. I could sell a dead man a life insurance policy.
I feel bad for complaining this much. Granted I'm not happy-happy but even though I said earlier that I'm unhappy, I don't really feel it. So I'll settle with content, or at least I feel that I can't complain because there are those far worse than me.
So I guess I'm stuck wishing for my life to get better. Wishing for a tall, dark and handsome to whisk me off of my feet. Certainly there is nothing wrong with wishful thinking...oh well, I've got dishes to wash and homework to do. Ta-ta!
Until Next Time!
I'm Yours,
Sami
See, I was talking to my bestie today and she and I are pretty much in the same boat. We're both unhappy, not like depressed unhappy because both of us are managing fine but it's like we're unhappy as opposed to how happy we have been in years past. And let me just get this out of the way, we both agree that 2007 sucks, like seriously. It has been a wicked cycle of one good/happy event followed directly by three bad/unhappy events. The proverbial one step forward, two steps back deal. Can't win for losing really. But oh well with all of that, really, all of this 'dwelling' as she calls it isn't that healthy for either of us.
But it is hard. See, the dilemma that she and I have is that we're lonely. Not lonely as in we are completely and utterly alone but lonely in the sense that we don't have that person to connect with. I have said it before and I shall say it again, I have great friends I really do, but it simply is not the same. I crave for some sort of companionship. Someone to cuddle up with after a particularly retarded day or someone who will just listen to me bitch about my problems. Bless poor Jax's heart because I know he's had more than his fair share of it, but even with as much as I adore him, he cannot fill that role for me. He's too far away and I don't think I want to risk damaging the relationship that I have with him by trying to make him take on that role.
Other than being lonely, I think I'm just tired of trying to be a pillar of strength for everyone else. I feel as though I have the weight of the entire world upon my shoulders but I don't have anyone who is there to carry it for me. I wouldn't give up those around me for the world but I don't think that I can stay strong, not even for them. It has been entirely too long since I've sat down and taken real time for myself (thanks to Neo for helping me to realize this) but at the same time, time is something that I do not have. Between working part-time (midnights mind you), going to school full-time and maintaining a household in whatever time is left (which is usually none) I'm trying to catch up on sleep. It is hard, Lord knows it is hard, but it is my life and it has been for years. In a sense it is all that I know. I've taken care of everybody else for more than 7 years now, I don't know where to start.
Relationship-wise, I'm screwed. I have been forever. I can't maintain a decent relationship to save my life. I've not been on a date in forever and I'm so damned disfunctional that it isn't even worth the time or the makeup to attempt dating again. Ugh, I'm a basket case that is so funny to me! Believe me when I say it's not that I don't love myself because I do, I love myself silly. But it's a love/hate thing. I cannot stand parts of my personality but again with a catch-22 because I don't have the time to change myself. But all the same, I am all that I have. Now I see why I'm so needy. Something is going unfulfilled and I try so hard to satiate that need.
It's a fight everyday. Within myself I see that it would be just so easy to submit and revert back into my old ways. I guess I will always see myself in this negative light. Which is incredibly odd because I do not see myself as a negative person. Granted, I haven't been happy-go-lucky in a long time but I feel as though I've remained optimistic throughout it all. I just don't know. Maybe it would be easier if I just had someone to tell me how I need to be. I think that's what I'm needing or wanting rather, I want someone to be strong and decisive for me, so I don't have to.
I just noticed, I say 'I' entirely too much.
Moving on.
How does the quote go, "That which does not kill me, makes me stronger"? By George, by the time this is over I should have nerves and emotions that could stop fucking Superman!
Maybe all of this is why I play games so much? Since I'm such of an emotional wreck, I play games with everyone else? Am I really projecting my unhappiness unto everyone else? Damn, maybe I really am a bitch. Ah, but who knows for sure, besides, if I keep judging myself like this I'm going to become what I think I am. And that wouldn't be pretty for any of us.
I'm a strong believer in karma and I've been trying to do good, but I can't get rid of this paranoid feeling that this year has been nothing but cumulative punishment for all of my past misdeeds. Have I been such a douche for real? I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I mean sure, I've got an attitude and I can be a real cunt, but with one exception I can't think of any examples of me going out of my way to make someone else's life miserable. And surely I was justified in that one case. Or at least I see it that way.
Ok, it's time to coat the mask back upon my face. Let me hide again from the world. Speaking of which, let me get this off of my mind, or at least attempt to. Most everyone knows that I'm vain, I openly admit it, I'm in love with my face, always have been. The sheer amount of time that I spend primping in a mirror is regoddamneddiculous. But here's a juicy little secret, as fond as I am of my face, I have to laugh at everyone else. It's a mask, carefully painted and always on display. I'm a liar, I've always been, with tears in my eyes I swear that I'm fine. It's all I've known. So I despise myself, this lie that I wear on my face. But, I get seriously irked whenever someone sees through it. How about that for bass-ackwards! Freddy's the only one that calls me on it, so what do I do? Put on more makeup, force a bigger smile, and sell the lie. Damn, I really ought to go into marketing. I could sell a dead man a life insurance policy.
I feel bad for complaining this much. Granted I'm not happy-happy but even though I said earlier that I'm unhappy, I don't really feel it. So I'll settle with content, or at least I feel that I can't complain because there are those far worse than me.
So I guess I'm stuck wishing for my life to get better. Wishing for a tall, dark and handsome to whisk me off of my feet. Certainly there is nothing wrong with wishful thinking...oh well, I've got dishes to wash and homework to do. Ta-ta!
Until Next Time!
I'm Yours,
Sami