Fuck a Witty Title...
So I promised a blog that would be a doozy. I really ought not do that anymore, I feel as though I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself. Not good necessarily because I feel that my head is going to explode into confetti any day now. I'm not sure why, things have actually been slightly easier these past few days. It would make sense that everything should be well, but I know, I think most know that life; simply is not that easy.
I'm planning about talking about everything that has been on my mind lately.
**WARNING**
This could take a while.
I'm going to go ahead and get the little stuff off of my back before I have to rack me brain with the big ones. I'm still wigging. I know I've got some issues but it's like the stress of the recent issues on top of existing ones is really taking a toll on me. I need to go to the doctor. I've got to get on an anti-anxiety pill or something for my A.D.D. Granted, I am usually 90-to-nothing most of the time *ask my friends and family* but it's been unusually bad lately. Poor Meg, she's had to hear it almost nonstop for the past several days. I'm just worried that somehow it might overflow into my schoolwork. And I'm sorry but I have every intention of being a rich bitch when I get older so I can't afford to potentially fuck it up now.
Air-headedness is a trait of mine, it's considered a personality flaw which I think is occasionally endearing but damn, I'd lose my ass if it weren't attached (or maybe a little smaller, hah!). Here's an example, went to the store to get some shampoo and conditioner, got it and then while Meg and I were in PC and she was showering she was like, 'I didn't know your conditioner lathered too'. That's right, my ass-losing-self picked up shampoo and then a 2 in 1. Which irks me because 2 in 1s suck, there's not enough conditioner in the conditioner. I know it seems small but to me, it's another brick in the pile. What happens if me or someone else gets hurt because I'm not concentrating like I should be? I'd feel like a real ass then.
Family life is readjusting again. We have to get back into a new family dynamic. It's nice but at the same time, I don't want to fall into a lull and then be completely un-assed again. That just wouldn't be cool. *Friends with my number can call for more details.
Meg and I went down to Panama for Freak Fest but before I left my dad and I got into a deep conversation. Which is funny because of late, we've pretty much had one topic conversations. We seldom get to sit down and contemplate, I suppose. Please excuse me because I'm going to have to attempt to recall the convo in sequence. Or I could just skip all the thinking and pick up where I remember. Anywho, however we started, I pretty much came out and said two things. One, I feel as though I'm in a catch-22 because I adore learning. So much so, that I'm the dork that watches the Discovery Channel and the likes just to learn something *I know, I'm ashamed. Not really but whatev* new.
Anyways, it just seems to be that the more I learn the more disenchanted I have become with the world that I once adored. I guess it's like when I was a kid; I would take my toys apart just to find out how they worked. While I was in the midst of disassembling and reassembling I was absolutely enthralled but a few days later I lost interest with the toy. It no longer held a mystery to me, there was no more real purpose aside from the infrequent game. Of course, there is no possible way that in a lifetime one person could learn everything there is to know, and knowing that I find solace in the fact that regardless of what I may accomplish, the world will still hold some mysteries, some secrets for me. But at the same time, why would I want to take the time to actually learn about something I love? Once I know everything, what is stopping me from tossing it over my shoulder like I've done everything else in my life?
And I've just had the thought that maybe this is why I become bored so easily with people. Exes and even some acquaintances, once I feel I know them well enough I let them go. Hell that trait may even be behind my whole cycle of seeing the hell out of someone and then leaving them alone for a few months. Maybe it is because I simply got bored with them.
Have you noticed that every time I sit down and seriously blog, I end up sounding like a bigger asshole than when I started? Oh well.
The second thing that we were talking about is my loss of the idealistic innocence that I feel I once had. Daddy was having a hard time understanding how I felt when I said I was far happier at 16 as opposed to 22. He said that then I was busy with school and work, that he was an asshole and my stepmother was a bitch. But there was something comforting in all of the monotony that I had. Every day was as the day before. I was safe. I knew the world could be a bad place but I hadn't yet experienced it myself. Those who know me well know that I grew up quick. I may be this absolutely retarded, goofball, dork-ass, air-headed chick but I learned responsibility, not for something miniscule like taking care of pets, I was responsible for children, maintaining a house. Part of the reason why I'm so 'wild' now is because I missed out on a large majority of that in my teens. My mental age is far above and beyond what it should be. But at I'm still so inexperienced in the world. It is like; I know what I know like the back of my hand but have no idea about anything outside of my little box.
Sure, I enjoy being able to go and do. I love being able to go out to a bar and ordering a beer, just because I can. If I want a lottery ticket or a pack of cigarettes, I can get it. I can vote, I can do all of these 'adult' things and I relish in that. But it doesn't change the fact that once I had my first few reality checks and experienced the world and so many of its different facets, the glamour quickly wore off. After I spent those years bearing the burdens that I bore, I became incredibly selfish. Text book example a hedonistic person, I splurged, I did, I drank, and I even fucked around, simply because I could. There is no excuse for as wild as I got when I first had the chance and I can't take back some of those things. But even with as hard as I was shoving against the world, I had no warning for what I was in for. The world doesn't care, it never will.
Every dream that I had came crashing down like shattered glass and it hurt and I don't think I ever really got over that initial shock. All of these idealistic dreams that I had about going and doing and everything being hunky-dory and easy, deflated instantaneously. A couple of months after I graduated, I realized that I was no longer happy-go-lucky and that honestly broke my heart.
It's still taking serious time to get over some of the heart breaks that I've had even some stemming back from my high school years. And I know that I have to let go of these heart breaks before I can finally accept that my idealistic has been replaced by the realistic. *Quite frankly, the realistic can kiss my ass*. I'd rather stay the way I was but that innocence, that naïveté is long gone by now. I don't like to go as far as to say that I'm a negative person because I still see myself as optimistic but I can recognize that I no longer see the world as a good place with good people, it is a place where everyone has to prove that they are what they claim to be. L
I continued this conversation with my mother and as I told her, I feel ruined. Veritably, I feel as though I am damaged goods, not irreparably broken, but not what it once was. Of course, this partially stems from past actions as well. I'm tainted and it disgusts me. That sounds awful to say but it's true.
Now please don't get the impression that I've got issues with myself like that because I love myself. I'm narcissistic and everything. I realized several years ago that when everything is said and done, I'm all that I have; I am all that I can truly count on. Sure I have disappointed myself before and I will more than likely let myself down numerous times coming. What it truly comes down to in my mind is I'm always here for me. I can't hurt me without at least seeing it coming and I'll never leave me. Because when I leave, I'm going with me. That, plus I'm awesome.
Ok, I do believe I feel slightly better.
Here is pretty much how I'm feeling, BTW:
Nelly Furtado, 'All Good Things Come to an End'
Ah, ah, ahh...
Honestly, what will become of me
Don't like reality
It's way too clear to me
But really life is dandy
We are what we don't see
Miss everything daydreaming
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
Come to an end
Come to an
Why do all good things come to an end
Come to an end
Come to an
Why do all good things come to an end
Traveling, I only stop at exits
Wondering if I'll stay-tay
Young and restless
Living this way I stress less
I want to pull away when the dream dies
The pain sets in and I don't cry
I only feel gravity and I wonder why
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
Come to an end
Come to an
Why do all good things come to an end
Come to an end
Come to an
Why do all good things come to an end
And the dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon
So that they could...
Dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon
Soon so that they could die
(Diee... Diee... Diee...)
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
Come to an end
Come to an (end)
Why do all good things come to an end (end)
Come to an end (end)
Come to an (end)
Why do all good things come to an (end)
When the dogs were barking at the new moon
Whistling a new tune
Hoping it would come soon
And the sun was wondering if it should stay away for a day
Til the feeling went away
And the sky was falling and the clouds were dropping
And the rainfall forgot how to bring salvation
The dogs were barking at the new moon
Whistling a new tune hoping it would come soon
So that they could die
Until Next Time!
I'm Yours,
Sami
I'm planning about talking about everything that has been on my mind lately.
**WARNING**
This could take a while.
I'm going to go ahead and get the little stuff off of my back before I have to rack me brain with the big ones. I'm still wigging. I know I've got some issues but it's like the stress of the recent issues on top of existing ones is really taking a toll on me. I need to go to the doctor. I've got to get on an anti-anxiety pill or something for my A.D.D. Granted, I am usually 90-to-nothing most of the time *ask my friends and family* but it's been unusually bad lately. Poor Meg, she's had to hear it almost nonstop for the past several days. I'm just worried that somehow it might overflow into my schoolwork. And I'm sorry but I have every intention of being a rich bitch when I get older so I can't afford to potentially fuck it up now.
Air-headedness is a trait of mine, it's considered a personality flaw which I think is occasionally endearing but damn, I'd lose my ass if it weren't attached (or maybe a little smaller, hah!). Here's an example, went to the store to get some shampoo and conditioner, got it and then while Meg and I were in PC and she was showering she was like, 'I didn't know your conditioner lathered too'. That's right, my ass-losing-self picked up shampoo and then a 2 in 1. Which irks me because 2 in 1s suck, there's not enough conditioner in the conditioner. I know it seems small but to me, it's another brick in the pile. What happens if me or someone else gets hurt because I'm not concentrating like I should be? I'd feel like a real ass then.
Family life is readjusting again. We have to get back into a new family dynamic. It's nice but at the same time, I don't want to fall into a lull and then be completely un-assed again. That just wouldn't be cool. *Friends with my number can call for more details.
Meg and I went down to Panama for Freak Fest but before I left my dad and I got into a deep conversation. Which is funny because of late, we've pretty much had one topic conversations. We seldom get to sit down and contemplate, I suppose. Please excuse me because I'm going to have to attempt to recall the convo in sequence. Or I could just skip all the thinking and pick up where I remember. Anywho, however we started, I pretty much came out and said two things. One, I feel as though I'm in a catch-22 because I adore learning. So much so, that I'm the dork that watches the Discovery Channel and the likes just to learn something *I know, I'm ashamed. Not really but whatev* new.
Anyways, it just seems to be that the more I learn the more disenchanted I have become with the world that I once adored. I guess it's like when I was a kid; I would take my toys apart just to find out how they worked. While I was in the midst of disassembling and reassembling I was absolutely enthralled but a few days later I lost interest with the toy. It no longer held a mystery to me, there was no more real purpose aside from the infrequent game. Of course, there is no possible way that in a lifetime one person could learn everything there is to know, and knowing that I find solace in the fact that regardless of what I may accomplish, the world will still hold some mysteries, some secrets for me. But at the same time, why would I want to take the time to actually learn about something I love? Once I know everything, what is stopping me from tossing it over my shoulder like I've done everything else in my life?
And I've just had the thought that maybe this is why I become bored so easily with people. Exes and even some acquaintances, once I feel I know them well enough I let them go. Hell that trait may even be behind my whole cycle of seeing the hell out of someone and then leaving them alone for a few months. Maybe it is because I simply got bored with them.
Have you noticed that every time I sit down and seriously blog, I end up sounding like a bigger asshole than when I started? Oh well.
The second thing that we were talking about is my loss of the idealistic innocence that I feel I once had. Daddy was having a hard time understanding how I felt when I said I was far happier at 16 as opposed to 22. He said that then I was busy with school and work, that he was an asshole and my stepmother was a bitch. But there was something comforting in all of the monotony that I had. Every day was as the day before. I was safe. I knew the world could be a bad place but I hadn't yet experienced it myself. Those who know me well know that I grew up quick. I may be this absolutely retarded, goofball, dork-ass, air-headed chick but I learned responsibility, not for something miniscule like taking care of pets, I was responsible for children, maintaining a house. Part of the reason why I'm so 'wild' now is because I missed out on a large majority of that in my teens. My mental age is far above and beyond what it should be. But at I'm still so inexperienced in the world. It is like; I know what I know like the back of my hand but have no idea about anything outside of my little box.
Sure, I enjoy being able to go and do. I love being able to go out to a bar and ordering a beer, just because I can. If I want a lottery ticket or a pack of cigarettes, I can get it. I can vote, I can do all of these 'adult' things and I relish in that. But it doesn't change the fact that once I had my first few reality checks and experienced the world and so many of its different facets, the glamour quickly wore off. After I spent those years bearing the burdens that I bore, I became incredibly selfish. Text book example a hedonistic person, I splurged, I did, I drank, and I even fucked around, simply because I could. There is no excuse for as wild as I got when I first had the chance and I can't take back some of those things. But even with as hard as I was shoving against the world, I had no warning for what I was in for. The world doesn't care, it never will.
Every dream that I had came crashing down like shattered glass and it hurt and I don't think I ever really got over that initial shock. All of these idealistic dreams that I had about going and doing and everything being hunky-dory and easy, deflated instantaneously. A couple of months after I graduated, I realized that I was no longer happy-go-lucky and that honestly broke my heart.
It's still taking serious time to get over some of the heart breaks that I've had even some stemming back from my high school years. And I know that I have to let go of these heart breaks before I can finally accept that my idealistic has been replaced by the realistic. *Quite frankly, the realistic can kiss my ass*. I'd rather stay the way I was but that innocence, that naïveté is long gone by now. I don't like to go as far as to say that I'm a negative person because I still see myself as optimistic but I can recognize that I no longer see the world as a good place with good people, it is a place where everyone has to prove that they are what they claim to be. L
I continued this conversation with my mother and as I told her, I feel ruined. Veritably, I feel as though I am damaged goods, not irreparably broken, but not what it once was. Of course, this partially stems from past actions as well. I'm tainted and it disgusts me. That sounds awful to say but it's true.
Now please don't get the impression that I've got issues with myself like that because I love myself. I'm narcissistic and everything. I realized several years ago that when everything is said and done, I'm all that I have; I am all that I can truly count on. Sure I have disappointed myself before and I will more than likely let myself down numerous times coming. What it truly comes down to in my mind is I'm always here for me. I can't hurt me without at least seeing it coming and I'll never leave me. Because when I leave, I'm going with me. That, plus I'm awesome.
Ok, I do believe I feel slightly better.
Here is pretty much how I'm feeling, BTW:
Nelly Furtado, 'All Good Things Come to an End'
Ah, ah, ahh...
Honestly, what will become of me
Don't like reality
It's way too clear to me
But really life is dandy
We are what we don't see
Miss everything daydreaming
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
Come to an end
Come to an
Why do all good things come to an end
Come to an end
Come to an
Why do all good things come to an end
Traveling, I only stop at exits
Wondering if I'll stay-tay
Young and restless
Living this way I stress less
I want to pull away when the dream dies
The pain sets in and I don't cry
I only feel gravity and I wonder why
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
Come to an end
Come to an
Why do all good things come to an end
Come to an end
Come to an
Why do all good things come to an end
And the dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon
So that they could...
Dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon
Soon so that they could die
(Diee... Diee... Diee...)
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
Come to an end
Come to an (end)
Why do all good things come to an end (end)
Come to an end (end)
Come to an (end)
Why do all good things come to an (end)
When the dogs were barking at the new moon
Whistling a new tune
Hoping it would come soon
And the sun was wondering if it should stay away for a day
Til the feeling went away
And the sky was falling and the clouds were dropping
And the rainfall forgot how to bring salvation
The dogs were barking at the new moon
Whistling a new tune hoping it would come soon
So that they could die
Until Next Time!
I'm Yours,
Sami