(no subject)
So I've been dealing with a rolled nerve for two nights now. It's painful, even with Lortab 10's and muscle relaxers - things are NOT supposed to hurt when you are on painkillers -.- - but I'll be alright. Chris offered to work the knots out of my back when he's over this morning to detail my car for me.
Anyone that knows me well, knows what is going on with Diego, and knows that I'm really trying to make things work. But no matter what that thought is still there. Every time i see him on when he's not supposed to be, every time she's not away when he's online. Every time he wants to leave early, I now think that it's for her. I don't even know if it's rational or not anymore, I just think about it. And it makes me sick. I never thought I would be one of those jealous girlfriend types until this happened. And what hurts me the most is that I had caught him so long ago and one little lie kept him safe. *sighs* I don't know if I will ever trust him enough again. And that bothers me to no end. he's not making it any better on himself when he promises to call, then doesn't - in fact it makes him look even worse.
*sigh* I guess I just don't know what I'm going to do. Everything has been stressing me out so bad lately that I went and bought myself a pack of cigarettes. I had quit for a good long while but now. What's the point of quitting. It doesn't make a difference either way. Fact of the matter is I have a destructive personality. Whether it be physical or emotional. I seem to take steps to ruin my own life.
I had a dream last night where I was around Anthony again, letting him use me. Just because it meant someone else in the world cared. Its sad when you have so little value of your self that you'd subconsciously want someone to rape you to prove you could be attractive even to someone sick and perverted.
This song fits just too well today.
way to start a day off. . . .
Anyone that knows me well, knows what is going on with Diego, and knows that I'm really trying to make things work. But no matter what that thought is still there. Every time i see him on when he's not supposed to be, every time she's not away when he's online. Every time he wants to leave early, I now think that it's for her. I don't even know if it's rational or not anymore, I just think about it. And it makes me sick. I never thought I would be one of those jealous girlfriend types until this happened. And what hurts me the most is that I had caught him so long ago and one little lie kept him safe. *sighs* I don't know if I will ever trust him enough again. And that bothers me to no end. he's not making it any better on himself when he promises to call, then doesn't - in fact it makes him look even worse.
*sigh* I guess I just don't know what I'm going to do. Everything has been stressing me out so bad lately that I went and bought myself a pack of cigarettes. I had quit for a good long while but now. What's the point of quitting. It doesn't make a difference either way. Fact of the matter is I have a destructive personality. Whether it be physical or emotional. I seem to take steps to ruin my own life.
I had a dream last night where I was around Anthony again, letting him use me. Just because it meant someone else in the world cared. Its sad when you have so little value of your self that you'd subconsciously want someone to rape you to prove you could be attractive even to someone sick and perverted.
This song fits just too well today.
way to start a day off. . . .