need 6 final
title: need
author: sango houshi
genre: angst
pairing: nisaki
disclaimer: dont own them. obviously
AN: so this is the end!! so sorry for the long wait, but i couldnt bring myself to leave it with a sad ending. doesnt mean im satisfied with the ending tho.
Ch.6 (Sakito p o v)
The walls were closing in. He had nowhere else to go. He ran down corridors not knowing which direction he was taking only knowing he needed to get out. But instead of going outside the hotel and towards open air and freedom, he continued deeper into the hotel and somehow ended up in the hotel’s basement which served as part Laundromat, part janitorial office. It was a dead end. Shit! He needed to turn around and keep going. Get out of there as fast as he could, there was no room, no air. He was suffocating and his heart was pounding painfully in his chest.
Ni-ya…
No! His mind screamed. He didn’t want this. He knew he should calm down or he would start hyperventilating. Those precious moments of calming clarity cost him and as he turned to leave, the last person he wanted to see was blocking his only escape route.
Oh fuck…nowhere to go.
Ni-ya… he couldn’t face the bassist like this. He was a stressed mess. Just when he’d started to become lucid and calm again, seeing him so soon was messing with his heart.
He bit his tongue, distracting himself from the panicking thoughts and the feeling of being surrounded and breathless and helpless.
‘I don’t want this.’ A part of him kept repeating.
Another part told him to calm down. Ni-ya wasn’t going to hurt him-at least not physically. He had no reason to fear the bassist. But his rational mind couldn’t calm down his frayed nerves and his emotional breakdown.
The two men stared at each other, Ni-ya’s broad shoulders seeming to take up the whole space of the door.
No way out!
He forced himself to take slow deep calm breaths. Ni-ya saw this and didn’t speak, letting Sakito take his time to compose himself. Even from his place at the door, with Sakito half a room away from him, he could see the rapid rise and fall of his chest, the widened eyes, could imagine the blown pupils as the lithe guitarist was on the verge of having a panic attack. But thankfully he calmed enough that with one final loud breath he was able to center himself, squared his shoulders and looked Ni-ya in the eye.
The emotionally distraught man was no more, before Ni-ya stood the usual aloof Sakito. A man with castle thick walls as barriers around his heart.
But Ni-ya would not let himself give up. He needed Sakito, the real him, not the emotionally stunted man before him. He wanted the one he’d held in his arms, the one that had screamed his name, the passionate one that had been able to love him. He needed that Sakito back.
“Sakito-” The raven haired man said taking a step forwards, needing to get closer.
Sakito shook his head, taking a step back; he wanted to scream ‘stop!’ but the words were lodged in his throat.
“Please. I need you to-” the bassist said, pleading as he tried to get closer again.
“Don’t.” But even to him the word sounding weak. He didn’t want to be weak. He didn’t want this at all.
“I love you.”
His heart stuttered and it hurt as it kick started again, only to go a mile a minute. He hadn’t just heard those words. But trying to believe that his own mind had said them was worse. He didn’t want Ni-ya to say them but he wanted less for his own mind to conjure up those lies.
“Shut up.” Taking a deep breath he squared his shoulders and began to march forwards, intent on walking by Ni-ya ignoring the burning of his eyes, needing to leave all of this behind, as though it hadn’t happened.
Ni-ya blocked his path but Sakito refused to meet his eyes.
“Sakito.” It didn’t matter that the guitarist was purposefully ignoring him. It hurt, but he wouldn’t let that stop him. He needed to make the guitarist see what was before him. To stop living in denial and to stop denying Ni-ya the right to be happy.
“I love you.” He said again. He heard Sakito take in a pained gasp, saw him blink tears away, though it didn’t stop a few salty drops from falling. It hurt him to see Sakito like this but he needed to hear it.
It hurt. The lies. Why was Ni-ya being so cruel? He didn’t want to be loved by him. He didn’t deserve the pain that came from giving yourself entirely to one person only to have them trample all over your heart. He’d been lied to before, used and discarded like some toy. He wouldn’t believe it again.
“No matter how many times you say it, you won’t make me believe it.” He made to leave again and Ni-ya caught his arm spinning him around to face him, in one quick movement capturing Sakito’s wrist in his strong grip, but even as Sakito struggled he didn’t release him.
“Let me go!” Sakito said, yanking his arm in Ni-ya’s grasp, the other pushing against Ni-ya’s chest as he tried to get away.
“Sakito.” Ni-ya’s deep baritone voice vibrated throughout his entire frame and he shivered, his eyes closing of their own volition, images of their night together flashing to the forefront of his mind.
“No. Stop! I don’t want to love you.” Sakito said, tears leaking down his face unhindered as his struggles wakened, his breath coming in pained gasps as he tried to breathe normally, tiny fists in comparison to Ni-ya’s strong grip pounding weakly against Ni-ya’s muscular chest, feeling helpless to the emotions that swarmed him.
“I love you.” Ni-ya said again, this time wrapping both his arms around the slender form of the guitarist, his own breath faltering as he tried to calm his own emotions.
“Why?” the guitarist sniffled, leaning his head tiredly against Ni-ya’s collarbone, the warmth of the others body feeling soothing, but he couldn’t let it get to him.
“I don’t want to be lied to again. I don’t want you to love me. It hurts Ni-ya.” He sounded so pathetic and weak it made Ni-ya’s heart wrench painfully for the brunette.
“I would never hurt you. And I’m not lying. I love you Takahiro.” His name made his eyes widen almost comically as his heart froze, his breath leaving him in a sigh. Loved…he was loved? And almost immediately a warmth of hope spread through him and he felt as though he would fly. Until he remembered reality and who he was.
‘You’ll never be good enough.’
This wasn’t true.
With renewed vigor he fought against Ni-ya’s embrace, feeling the disgusting arms of another wrapped around him. It wasn’t Ni-ya anymore and he felt ashamed and appalled for letting the bassist touch his soiled body.
“Stop it. I don’t want this. I can’t…”
“Sakito. Please. Don’t do this.” He said trying to get through to Sakito, hating that he was hurting the guitarist by forcing the brunette to face him. With a sigh that tore at his heart and tightened his chest, he looked at Sakito’s darting eyes, fear and hate clear in the chocolate orbs. The pain he felt then was enough to make his grip go lax and he let go of the guitarist.
Sakito took a few steps back, putting distance between them, every step hurting Ni-ya more.
“I have to go.” Sakito said, wiping tears from his face, shoulders hunched in on himself as though to protect himself from Ni-ya.
Ni-ya was going to let him go, swore that right this second he would start to stop loving Sakito. The guitarist had made it abundantly clear that he wanted nothing to do with Ni-ya and his feelings weren’t reciprocated. But his hands fisted at his sides and he couldn’t take it, wouldn’t accept that. Before he could stop himself he stopped Sakito again.
“Why?!”
He whirled Sakito around to face him, gripping his arms in a firm grip, refusing to let his own heart turn cold like Sakito’s when he had the chance of making the guitarist see reason.
“What?” Sakito asked, eyes wide, taken off guard, jerking in Ni-ya’s hold, irrational fear gripping him as he imagined the pain Ni-ya could physically put him through. But Ni-ya would never hurt him and he knew that, it was his heart that refused to acknowledge it.
“Why can’t I love you?” Ni-ya asked, sounding broken, but refusing to give up hope. He didn’t want to lose this. He didn’t want to lose Sakito.
As though he ever had him.
“What do you mean why?” Sakito demanded, anger flashing in his own eyes. “Don’t you see? This isn’t me! What you see isn’t the real me! I’m hideous. No one wants me for me, they only see my face and they think they know me. I thought you were different!”
Ni-ya had no idea where Sakito was coming from. This made him pause for a second, not knowing what to say.
“You were supposed to be different from everyone else. You were supposed to be there for me and now you say you love me. He said I wasn’t going to be good enough for anyone else. That I’m not good enough and whoever says that I am is only lying to me. I don’t want you to lie to me Ni-ya. I like you too much to bear it.” The words came pouring out, Sakito being only half aware of the terrible secret he had been hiding and was now so mindlessly blurting out. But even then he was still trying to get away from the raven haired man, pushing against him, his fists thumping uselessly against the hard chest in front of him.
To say that Ni-ya was shocked was an understatement. Someone had hurt Sakito and had all but broken this strong man, broken him to the point where he believed he wasn’t good enough and didn’t deserve to be loved. But he wasn’t like that! He needed to make Sakito see that he would do anything to make him happy, that he wouldn’t hurt him, that if only he would stop pushing him away…
Ni-ya took a deep ragged breath, feeling unable to breathe as his heart constricted in his chest, tightening painfully at being pushed away, unwanted by the man he loved. Sakito’s struggles and the physical act of being pushed away was almost too much to bear, but Ni-ya needed Sakito. He needed the guitarist with him, needed to make Sakito love him. His eyes burned with unshed tears as he held Sakito close to him. He all but crushed the skinny guitarist to him, burying his face in Sakito’s neck, his throat constricted and his voice broke as he pleaded with brunette.
“Please.” Ni-ya chocked out, his tears breaking free of the tightly shut barrier that was his eyes.
Sakito could feel the hot tears running down his neck, Ni-ya’s hot breath puffing almost uncomfortably against his skin, making his skin prickle and his body shiver at the same time. Hearing the broken word whispered so despairingly made him freeze. His body was board stiff against Ni-ya as the bassist held his arms down to the side of his body.
Feeling more than hearing the strangled sobs Ni-ya refused to let escape, even as his breathing faltered and the hot tears still continued to run unhindered down his face, Sakito felt his heart breaking. Oh Gods…Ni-ya did love him. He had never seen the strong aloof bassist like this. But what tore at his heart the most was that he wasn’t sure he could trust that his heart wouldn’t be broken.
He was afraid. He had been hurt before and he didn’t want to go through that pain again…what that man did…all the emotional scars….he couldn’t get over it. He couldn’t…
But he didn’t want to see Ni-ya like this. He didn’t want to be the one to turn the bassist into someone like himself. He knew he was cold and heartless and always kept people at arms length. Ni-ya couldn’t be like that. But-
“I can’t. Ni-ya I’m so sorry. But I can’t go through that. Not again. I can’t have my heart broken again. It’s too much for me. I’m not that strong.” He was mumbling all of this, his face pressed against Ni-ya’s neck, still feeling the scalding tears of the bassist against his skin.
“I need you to let me go.”
“I can’t…I love you too much.”
“Then please….give me time.”
Those words brought a glimmer of hope to the despairing bassist. Time. He could work with that. He just needed Sakito in one form or another, but with the chance that Sakito might be his, he was willing to give the guitarist all the time and space he could ever want. So that is why, with a shuddering breath, Ni-ya’s arms slowly unwound from Sakito’s tiny frame, giving him the space he needed, quite literally. Sakito was the one who stepped away, and he noticed how everything seemed so much colder now, the absurd desire to be back in that strong embrace growing in him with each moment that passed.
“I…I need to believe that you won’t hurt me or break my heart. Intellectually I know that but my heart…I need time. Please…can you wait for me?”
Ni-ya immediately wrapped his arms around Sakito again, this time trying to convey all his need and love and desperation through his tight embrace.
“I’ll wait forever if I have to, just please….say you’ll be mine. I need you to be with me. I just….even if I can’t have your heart just know…I’ll always be here for you. I do love you. Please know this.”
With that Ni-ya stepped away leaving Sakito to shiver without his strong arms around him. Ni-ya leaving him made his heart constrict and he had no idea why he felt like crying even though he was the one to tell Ni-ya that he needed time and space.
‘I love him.’ his brain already knew this. His heart wasn’t ready.
‘Please wait for me. I don’t know how long but please…I need you to love me too.’
He stood in front of the door that led to the house to the one person who had been on his mind these past weeks. 5 weeks 3 days and 15 hours to be exact, but he wasn’t counting. He was only too aware of the passing of time because he had been the one to request a vacation. But he hadn’t relaxed, he hadn’t gone out, he hadn’t had fun. He wasn’t able to. He had been stuck in his room trying to get his heart to understand what his brain already knew. And it might have taken some time but it wasn’t just the acknowledgement to the emotions that Ni-ya had for him, the bassist loved him unlike any other, it was the realization that he too was in love with Ni-ya and he needed the tall raven like he needed his skills with the guitar. Without the ability to play the guitar the way he did, he would be no one. Without Ni-ya he would be nothing. And it was the fear of being alone and, yes Ni-ya said he would wait for him, but he couldn’t be sure, and that also gave him an incentive to be here in front of Ni-ya’s door. But his body wouldn’t move and it was taking a lot of willpower to get his hand to obey him and knock on the door.
Magically the portal opened without his needing to knock and he stood dumbfounded staring at the one person he had truly missed. He didn’t know why he missed Ni-ya, only knew that there was a pain he hadn’t felt before without the presence of the taller man and seeing him again made something burn in his chest but it didn’t hurt. It was his heart. It was swelling and it felt like it was about to burst but he felt so happy that he didn’t care.
He took a deep breath to speak, but the words were lodged in his throat and he wanted to say everything that he had been too afraid of saying but his eyes were starting to burn and his vision was starting to blur and his breath hitched painfully, but he stumbled a step forward and Ni-ya moved to catch him. He threw his arms around the bassist, planting his lips over the surprised bassist, not caring that Ni-ya had been on his way out because he couldn’t stand his stuffy apartment anymore and needed freedom from his own thoughts, didn’t care that they were still in the hallway where other people lived and anyone could walk in on them, didn’t care that he hadn’t even said what he came here to say, to apologize, to say-
“I love you.” He said as he pulled away, leaving Ni-ya even more shocked. The raven’s mouth opened and closed a few times before,
“I…I…you-” was the intelligent response he received to his admission, but the goofy smile on NI-ya’s face made everything so right and for some reason he couldn’t stop the giddy laugh that escaped his lips. He never felt as happy and exhilarated and free as he felt right then.
His past was finally behind him and though he would always carry those scars with him, he knew that with time they would fade completely, and Ni-ya would be by his side to help him get over it.
“I love you.” He said again. His face was hurting with how much he was smiling, but it was a good ache, and he wasn’t afraid to say those words that had once scared him behind ice walls.
He couldn’t wait to see how many times he could repeat them in the future.
Starting now.
ok, so this was horrible. too cheesy and i hate the ending. all that time on hiatus for nothing. i suck
author: sango houshi
genre: angst
pairing: nisaki
disclaimer: dont own them. obviously
AN: so this is the end!! so sorry for the long wait, but i couldnt bring myself to leave it with a sad ending. doesnt mean im satisfied with the ending tho.
Ch.6 (Sakito p o v)
The walls were closing in. He had nowhere else to go. He ran down corridors not knowing which direction he was taking only knowing he needed to get out. But instead of going outside the hotel and towards open air and freedom, he continued deeper into the hotel and somehow ended up in the hotel’s basement which served as part Laundromat, part janitorial office. It was a dead end. Shit! He needed to turn around and keep going. Get out of there as fast as he could, there was no room, no air. He was suffocating and his heart was pounding painfully in his chest.
Ni-ya…
No! His mind screamed. He didn’t want this. He knew he should calm down or he would start hyperventilating. Those precious moments of calming clarity cost him and as he turned to leave, the last person he wanted to see was blocking his only escape route.
Oh fuck…nowhere to go.
Ni-ya… he couldn’t face the bassist like this. He was a stressed mess. Just when he’d started to become lucid and calm again, seeing him so soon was messing with his heart.
He bit his tongue, distracting himself from the panicking thoughts and the feeling of being surrounded and breathless and helpless.
‘I don’t want this.’ A part of him kept repeating.
Another part told him to calm down. Ni-ya wasn’t going to hurt him-at least not physically. He had no reason to fear the bassist. But his rational mind couldn’t calm down his frayed nerves and his emotional breakdown.
The two men stared at each other, Ni-ya’s broad shoulders seeming to take up the whole space of the door.
No way out!
He forced himself to take slow deep calm breaths. Ni-ya saw this and didn’t speak, letting Sakito take his time to compose himself. Even from his place at the door, with Sakito half a room away from him, he could see the rapid rise and fall of his chest, the widened eyes, could imagine the blown pupils as the lithe guitarist was on the verge of having a panic attack. But thankfully he calmed enough that with one final loud breath he was able to center himself, squared his shoulders and looked Ni-ya in the eye.
The emotionally distraught man was no more, before Ni-ya stood the usual aloof Sakito. A man with castle thick walls as barriers around his heart.
But Ni-ya would not let himself give up. He needed Sakito, the real him, not the emotionally stunted man before him. He wanted the one he’d held in his arms, the one that had screamed his name, the passionate one that had been able to love him. He needed that Sakito back.
“Sakito-” The raven haired man said taking a step forwards, needing to get closer.
Sakito shook his head, taking a step back; he wanted to scream ‘stop!’ but the words were lodged in his throat.
“Please. I need you to-” the bassist said, pleading as he tried to get closer again.
“Don’t.” But even to him the word sounding weak. He didn’t want to be weak. He didn’t want this at all.
“I love you.”
His heart stuttered and it hurt as it kick started again, only to go a mile a minute. He hadn’t just heard those words. But trying to believe that his own mind had said them was worse. He didn’t want Ni-ya to say them but he wanted less for his own mind to conjure up those lies.
“Shut up.” Taking a deep breath he squared his shoulders and began to march forwards, intent on walking by Ni-ya ignoring the burning of his eyes, needing to leave all of this behind, as though it hadn’t happened.
Ni-ya blocked his path but Sakito refused to meet his eyes.
“Sakito.” It didn’t matter that the guitarist was purposefully ignoring him. It hurt, but he wouldn’t let that stop him. He needed to make the guitarist see what was before him. To stop living in denial and to stop denying Ni-ya the right to be happy.
“I love you.” He said again. He heard Sakito take in a pained gasp, saw him blink tears away, though it didn’t stop a few salty drops from falling. It hurt him to see Sakito like this but he needed to hear it.
It hurt. The lies. Why was Ni-ya being so cruel? He didn’t want to be loved by him. He didn’t deserve the pain that came from giving yourself entirely to one person only to have them trample all over your heart. He’d been lied to before, used and discarded like some toy. He wouldn’t believe it again.
“No matter how many times you say it, you won’t make me believe it.” He made to leave again and Ni-ya caught his arm spinning him around to face him, in one quick movement capturing Sakito’s wrist in his strong grip, but even as Sakito struggled he didn’t release him.
“Let me go!” Sakito said, yanking his arm in Ni-ya’s grasp, the other pushing against Ni-ya’s chest as he tried to get away.
“Sakito.” Ni-ya’s deep baritone voice vibrated throughout his entire frame and he shivered, his eyes closing of their own volition, images of their night together flashing to the forefront of his mind.
“No. Stop! I don’t want to love you.” Sakito said, tears leaking down his face unhindered as his struggles wakened, his breath coming in pained gasps as he tried to breathe normally, tiny fists in comparison to Ni-ya’s strong grip pounding weakly against Ni-ya’s muscular chest, feeling helpless to the emotions that swarmed him.
“I love you.” Ni-ya said again, this time wrapping both his arms around the slender form of the guitarist, his own breath faltering as he tried to calm his own emotions.
“Why?” the guitarist sniffled, leaning his head tiredly against Ni-ya’s collarbone, the warmth of the others body feeling soothing, but he couldn’t let it get to him.
“I don’t want to be lied to again. I don’t want you to love me. It hurts Ni-ya.” He sounded so pathetic and weak it made Ni-ya’s heart wrench painfully for the brunette.
“I would never hurt you. And I’m not lying. I love you Takahiro.” His name made his eyes widen almost comically as his heart froze, his breath leaving him in a sigh. Loved…he was loved? And almost immediately a warmth of hope spread through him and he felt as though he would fly. Until he remembered reality and who he was.
‘You’ll never be good enough.’
This wasn’t true.
With renewed vigor he fought against Ni-ya’s embrace, feeling the disgusting arms of another wrapped around him. It wasn’t Ni-ya anymore and he felt ashamed and appalled for letting the bassist touch his soiled body.
“Stop it. I don’t want this. I can’t…”
“Sakito. Please. Don’t do this.” He said trying to get through to Sakito, hating that he was hurting the guitarist by forcing the brunette to face him. With a sigh that tore at his heart and tightened his chest, he looked at Sakito’s darting eyes, fear and hate clear in the chocolate orbs. The pain he felt then was enough to make his grip go lax and he let go of the guitarist.
Sakito took a few steps back, putting distance between them, every step hurting Ni-ya more.
“I have to go.” Sakito said, wiping tears from his face, shoulders hunched in on himself as though to protect himself from Ni-ya.
Ni-ya was going to let him go, swore that right this second he would start to stop loving Sakito. The guitarist had made it abundantly clear that he wanted nothing to do with Ni-ya and his feelings weren’t reciprocated. But his hands fisted at his sides and he couldn’t take it, wouldn’t accept that. Before he could stop himself he stopped Sakito again.
“Why?!”
He whirled Sakito around to face him, gripping his arms in a firm grip, refusing to let his own heart turn cold like Sakito’s when he had the chance of making the guitarist see reason.
“What?” Sakito asked, eyes wide, taken off guard, jerking in Ni-ya’s hold, irrational fear gripping him as he imagined the pain Ni-ya could physically put him through. But Ni-ya would never hurt him and he knew that, it was his heart that refused to acknowledge it.
“Why can’t I love you?” Ni-ya asked, sounding broken, but refusing to give up hope. He didn’t want to lose this. He didn’t want to lose Sakito.
As though he ever had him.
“What do you mean why?” Sakito demanded, anger flashing in his own eyes. “Don’t you see? This isn’t me! What you see isn’t the real me! I’m hideous. No one wants me for me, they only see my face and they think they know me. I thought you were different!”
Ni-ya had no idea where Sakito was coming from. This made him pause for a second, not knowing what to say.
“You were supposed to be different from everyone else. You were supposed to be there for me and now you say you love me. He said I wasn’t going to be good enough for anyone else. That I’m not good enough and whoever says that I am is only lying to me. I don’t want you to lie to me Ni-ya. I like you too much to bear it.” The words came pouring out, Sakito being only half aware of the terrible secret he had been hiding and was now so mindlessly blurting out. But even then he was still trying to get away from the raven haired man, pushing against him, his fists thumping uselessly against the hard chest in front of him.
To say that Ni-ya was shocked was an understatement. Someone had hurt Sakito and had all but broken this strong man, broken him to the point where he believed he wasn’t good enough and didn’t deserve to be loved. But he wasn’t like that! He needed to make Sakito see that he would do anything to make him happy, that he wouldn’t hurt him, that if only he would stop pushing him away…
Ni-ya took a deep ragged breath, feeling unable to breathe as his heart constricted in his chest, tightening painfully at being pushed away, unwanted by the man he loved. Sakito’s struggles and the physical act of being pushed away was almost too much to bear, but Ni-ya needed Sakito. He needed the guitarist with him, needed to make Sakito love him. His eyes burned with unshed tears as he held Sakito close to him. He all but crushed the skinny guitarist to him, burying his face in Sakito’s neck, his throat constricted and his voice broke as he pleaded with brunette.
“Please.” Ni-ya chocked out, his tears breaking free of the tightly shut barrier that was his eyes.
Sakito could feel the hot tears running down his neck, Ni-ya’s hot breath puffing almost uncomfortably against his skin, making his skin prickle and his body shiver at the same time. Hearing the broken word whispered so despairingly made him freeze. His body was board stiff against Ni-ya as the bassist held his arms down to the side of his body.
Feeling more than hearing the strangled sobs Ni-ya refused to let escape, even as his breathing faltered and the hot tears still continued to run unhindered down his face, Sakito felt his heart breaking. Oh Gods…Ni-ya did love him. He had never seen the strong aloof bassist like this. But what tore at his heart the most was that he wasn’t sure he could trust that his heart wouldn’t be broken.
He was afraid. He had been hurt before and he didn’t want to go through that pain again…what that man did…all the emotional scars….he couldn’t get over it. He couldn’t…
But he didn’t want to see Ni-ya like this. He didn’t want to be the one to turn the bassist into someone like himself. He knew he was cold and heartless and always kept people at arms length. Ni-ya couldn’t be like that. But-
“I can’t. Ni-ya I’m so sorry. But I can’t go through that. Not again. I can’t have my heart broken again. It’s too much for me. I’m not that strong.” He was mumbling all of this, his face pressed against Ni-ya’s neck, still feeling the scalding tears of the bassist against his skin.
“I need you to let me go.”
“I can’t…I love you too much.”
“Then please….give me time.”
Those words brought a glimmer of hope to the despairing bassist. Time. He could work with that. He just needed Sakito in one form or another, but with the chance that Sakito might be his, he was willing to give the guitarist all the time and space he could ever want. So that is why, with a shuddering breath, Ni-ya’s arms slowly unwound from Sakito’s tiny frame, giving him the space he needed, quite literally. Sakito was the one who stepped away, and he noticed how everything seemed so much colder now, the absurd desire to be back in that strong embrace growing in him with each moment that passed.
“I…I need to believe that you won’t hurt me or break my heart. Intellectually I know that but my heart…I need time. Please…can you wait for me?”
Ni-ya immediately wrapped his arms around Sakito again, this time trying to convey all his need and love and desperation through his tight embrace.
“I’ll wait forever if I have to, just please….say you’ll be mine. I need you to be with me. I just….even if I can’t have your heart just know…I’ll always be here for you. I do love you. Please know this.”
With that Ni-ya stepped away leaving Sakito to shiver without his strong arms around him. Ni-ya leaving him made his heart constrict and he had no idea why he felt like crying even though he was the one to tell Ni-ya that he needed time and space.
‘I love him.’ his brain already knew this. His heart wasn’t ready.
‘Please wait for me. I don’t know how long but please…I need you to love me too.’
He stood in front of the door that led to the house to the one person who had been on his mind these past weeks. 5 weeks 3 days and 15 hours to be exact, but he wasn’t counting. He was only too aware of the passing of time because he had been the one to request a vacation. But he hadn’t relaxed, he hadn’t gone out, he hadn’t had fun. He wasn’t able to. He had been stuck in his room trying to get his heart to understand what his brain already knew. And it might have taken some time but it wasn’t just the acknowledgement to the emotions that Ni-ya had for him, the bassist loved him unlike any other, it was the realization that he too was in love with Ni-ya and he needed the tall raven like he needed his skills with the guitar. Without the ability to play the guitar the way he did, he would be no one. Without Ni-ya he would be nothing. And it was the fear of being alone and, yes Ni-ya said he would wait for him, but he couldn’t be sure, and that also gave him an incentive to be here in front of Ni-ya’s door. But his body wouldn’t move and it was taking a lot of willpower to get his hand to obey him and knock on the door.
Magically the portal opened without his needing to knock and he stood dumbfounded staring at the one person he had truly missed. He didn’t know why he missed Ni-ya, only knew that there was a pain he hadn’t felt before without the presence of the taller man and seeing him again made something burn in his chest but it didn’t hurt. It was his heart. It was swelling and it felt like it was about to burst but he felt so happy that he didn’t care.
He took a deep breath to speak, but the words were lodged in his throat and he wanted to say everything that he had been too afraid of saying but his eyes were starting to burn and his vision was starting to blur and his breath hitched painfully, but he stumbled a step forward and Ni-ya moved to catch him. He threw his arms around the bassist, planting his lips over the surprised bassist, not caring that Ni-ya had been on his way out because he couldn’t stand his stuffy apartment anymore and needed freedom from his own thoughts, didn’t care that they were still in the hallway where other people lived and anyone could walk in on them, didn’t care that he hadn’t even said what he came here to say, to apologize, to say-
“I love you.” He said as he pulled away, leaving Ni-ya even more shocked. The raven’s mouth opened and closed a few times before,
“I…I…you-” was the intelligent response he received to his admission, but the goofy smile on NI-ya’s face made everything so right and for some reason he couldn’t stop the giddy laugh that escaped his lips. He never felt as happy and exhilarated and free as he felt right then.
His past was finally behind him and though he would always carry those scars with him, he knew that with time they would fade completely, and Ni-ya would be by his side to help him get over it.
“I love you.” He said again. His face was hurting with how much he was smiling, but it was a good ache, and he wasn’t afraid to say those words that had once scared him behind ice walls.
He couldn’t wait to see how many times he could repeat them in the future.
Starting now.
ok, so this was horrible. too cheesy and i hate the ending. all that time on hiatus for nothing. i suck