The river has been crossed, and so has the ocean
For the sake of looking back on this journal, an update:
As it turned out, Mom died peacefully in her sleep, April 2nd 2023, at 82 years old. I was with her at the time, which is a blessing, since I know for certain she went as peacefully as anyone could wish for. This was my purpose when I took on the responsibility of caring for Mom.
The month that followed was terrible. Family tensions I had sincerely believed were long since resolved, made themselves obvious and highly painful. I was in a state of precarious mental health before Mom died, and the ensuing tension with siblings was almost unbearable. Not to mention tragic. I am at this moment unsure if recovery will happen after enough time has passed. People say things they can never apologize for or take back. It is astonishing what grief can elicit.
As for my part, I was determined not to be a hypocrite, I did not say anything I'd later regret, or speak harshly towards my siblings who were not showing me the same respect. Truly I wish we all were temporarily mute from our grief. Unfortunately, I saw a side of my sibs I literally would not have believed existed, had it not been revealed so painfully.
The bright part of the last month was Mom's memorial. More than a dozen people spoke, and it was the exact kind of thing I would want when I die. Its a bonus to know Mom would have loved it too. Afterwards, we had a celebration of Mom's life BBQ, in the park behind the house we grew up in. Mom would have loved that too.
On May 3rd, I returned to the UK, where I will permanently reside. I have been busy filling out forms, applications, writing letters to landlords, and all that jazz. Staying with my daughter and her soon to be hubby. Gotta get out as quickly as I can. I'm not a nuisance yet, and I intend not to be. Young couples need their alone time, especially when baby is due in 7 or 8 weeks.
I've never been so glad to leave America. With the social tensions being what they are, and my sibs having burned bridges, it makes it easier to look forward to starting a new life.
Although I can't say my mental health is very good, I can for sure say I've come a very long way in the right direction since Mom passed. Dealing with a person with dementia is a challenge like nothing I could have imagined. People who do this for a living, as well as people who work in hospice care are HEROES.
Anyway, I could not even confront my own issues while I was locked in a psychological tug of war every day, and then the tensions after Mom died, paralyzed my soul, temporarily.
I had a sound healing a few days before I traveled. It was more beneficial than words can describe. I could feel mySelf again, for the first time in years. Literally, colors seemed more vivid, the air smelled sweet, and it felt like I had lost weight.
Although I have some way to go to get back to the peace of mind I had achieved prior to moving to America, it at least feels possible to me now.
Four months ago it was very different. My depression was so deep, every bad thought I had seemed definitely true, even though my intellect knew it to be otherwise. I would read from my book, and it was like it was written by a stranger. A stranger who babbles a lot of new age woo. It was both gratifying to read, and frustrating, cos it made it evident how far I had fallen.
So, I felt that some kind of follow up to the previous entry need to be part of this journal. But, in truth, my focus is mostly forward now. I'm trying hard not to dwell on the painful things said and done. The past cannot be changed, we must always reconcile. Even being able to type that last sentence, shows me I've turned a corner. Still got a hill to climb, but it will be worth every bit of effort.
As it turned out, Mom died peacefully in her sleep, April 2nd 2023, at 82 years old. I was with her at the time, which is a blessing, since I know for certain she went as peacefully as anyone could wish for. This was my purpose when I took on the responsibility of caring for Mom.
The month that followed was terrible. Family tensions I had sincerely believed were long since resolved, made themselves obvious and highly painful. I was in a state of precarious mental health before Mom died, and the ensuing tension with siblings was almost unbearable. Not to mention tragic. I am at this moment unsure if recovery will happen after enough time has passed. People say things they can never apologize for or take back. It is astonishing what grief can elicit.
As for my part, I was determined not to be a hypocrite, I did not say anything I'd later regret, or speak harshly towards my siblings who were not showing me the same respect. Truly I wish we all were temporarily mute from our grief. Unfortunately, I saw a side of my sibs I literally would not have believed existed, had it not been revealed so painfully.
The bright part of the last month was Mom's memorial. More than a dozen people spoke, and it was the exact kind of thing I would want when I die. Its a bonus to know Mom would have loved it too. Afterwards, we had a celebration of Mom's life BBQ, in the park behind the house we grew up in. Mom would have loved that too.
On May 3rd, I returned to the UK, where I will permanently reside. I have been busy filling out forms, applications, writing letters to landlords, and all that jazz. Staying with my daughter and her soon to be hubby. Gotta get out as quickly as I can. I'm not a nuisance yet, and I intend not to be. Young couples need their alone time, especially when baby is due in 7 or 8 weeks.
I've never been so glad to leave America. With the social tensions being what they are, and my sibs having burned bridges, it makes it easier to look forward to starting a new life.
Although I can't say my mental health is very good, I can for sure say I've come a very long way in the right direction since Mom passed. Dealing with a person with dementia is a challenge like nothing I could have imagined. People who do this for a living, as well as people who work in hospice care are HEROES.
Anyway, I could not even confront my own issues while I was locked in a psychological tug of war every day, and then the tensions after Mom died, paralyzed my soul, temporarily.
I had a sound healing a few days before I traveled. It was more beneficial than words can describe. I could feel mySelf again, for the first time in years. Literally, colors seemed more vivid, the air smelled sweet, and it felt like I had lost weight.
Although I have some way to go to get back to the peace of mind I had achieved prior to moving to America, it at least feels possible to me now.
Four months ago it was very different. My depression was so deep, every bad thought I had seemed definitely true, even though my intellect knew it to be otherwise. I would read from my book, and it was like it was written by a stranger. A stranger who babbles a lot of new age woo. It was both gratifying to read, and frustrating, cos it made it evident how far I had fallen.
So, I felt that some kind of follow up to the previous entry need to be part of this journal. But, in truth, my focus is mostly forward now. I'm trying hard not to dwell on the painful things said and done. The past cannot be changed, we must always reconcile. Even being able to type that last sentence, shows me I've turned a corner. Still got a hill to climb, but it will be worth every bit of effort.