Changes Coming
Well, since the end of May last year, I've been a live-in carer for mom. In February 2022, the doctor estimated mom had 3 to 6 months, so we really are on borrowed time here. In October, mom nearly died, but we staged an intervention, and she's since been home on hospice care, losing her mind a bit more every day. She's confused everyday, and that's an understatement.
I had originally intended to stay with mom until she dies, however long that may take. But, my daughter is expecting her first baby in July, and so I have to be back in Britain for that. In fact, my intention is to leave America around the end of April, so that I may get established and settled by the time the baby arrives.
Mom did not want to be put into a facility for then end of her life, which is why I'd been doing what I've been doing. But, with a baby coming, my priorities have changed. I've totally put my own life on hold for the last 9 months, but this may only happen once, and I will not deny myself the opportunity to watch my girl become a mother. I wanna be there for the entire journey, from day one. I'm annoyed that I'm not there already, helping her prepare and watching her go through the changes of pregnancy.
Robin, our social worker, has assured me that it shouldn't take more than a few weeks for mom to get a placement at a nursing home. I will remain in California as long as I can, which will be until end of April or start of May at the latest. Mom may pass away not long after going into a facility - I feel like her will to live will drain away without love in her life everyday (IOW - me). If mom dies, its important to me to be at her memorial service, to give my eulogy. But, I absolutely have to be off in time to resettle on the other end well in advance of the expected new arrival. I will be profoundly sad if I go there, and mom died soon after, as I would not be in a position to come back for the service, having just spent all my money moving.
None of this sits easy with me. Its not really possible to get as excited about the baby as I might like, considering everything else.
2022 and 2023 are shaping up to be the most challenging years of my life. I have to trust that things will get better after I move, that life will be full of new joys and opportunities, and that I will make new friends. Nothing wrong with my old friends, but they will mostly be some distance from where I am likely to settle in Britain.
Starting life over, from scratch, in my 60s, is highly daunting. But, as I always tell myself, I've been through worse and come out shining.
I had originally intended to stay with mom until she dies, however long that may take. But, my daughter is expecting her first baby in July, and so I have to be back in Britain for that. In fact, my intention is to leave America around the end of April, so that I may get established and settled by the time the baby arrives.
Mom did not want to be put into a facility for then end of her life, which is why I'd been doing what I've been doing. But, with a baby coming, my priorities have changed. I've totally put my own life on hold for the last 9 months, but this may only happen once, and I will not deny myself the opportunity to watch my girl become a mother. I wanna be there for the entire journey, from day one. I'm annoyed that I'm not there already, helping her prepare and watching her go through the changes of pregnancy.
Robin, our social worker, has assured me that it shouldn't take more than a few weeks for mom to get a placement at a nursing home. I will remain in California as long as I can, which will be until end of April or start of May at the latest. Mom may pass away not long after going into a facility - I feel like her will to live will drain away without love in her life everyday (IOW - me). If mom dies, its important to me to be at her memorial service, to give my eulogy. But, I absolutely have to be off in time to resettle on the other end well in advance of the expected new arrival. I will be profoundly sad if I go there, and mom died soon after, as I would not be in a position to come back for the service, having just spent all my money moving.
None of this sits easy with me. Its not really possible to get as excited about the baby as I might like, considering everything else.
2022 and 2023 are shaping up to be the most challenging years of my life. I have to trust that things will get better after I move, that life will be full of new joys and opportunities, and that I will make new friends. Nothing wrong with my old friends, but they will mostly be some distance from where I am likely to settle in Britain.
Starting life over, from scratch, in my 60s, is highly daunting. But, as I always tell myself, I've been through worse and come out shining.