THE BRINGING OF ORDER FROM CHAOS
How does one do it?
How do other people do it?
BREAK SOMEONE'S HEART, I mean.
How can others execute a deed very much spiteful in its nature without an initimation of repentance, of remorse..of guilt?
I have witnessed them do it like that.
It has been done to me numerous times; and it has been done to me as if I am an insignificant entity, as if it is no big deal, and as if it is one of the most natural occurences in this world.
How do others do it like that?
Because before I have broken Jonathan's heart, I HAVE BROKEN MINE.
I have looked at myself disgustedly, with repugnance, bearing the question in mind, "What is wrong with me?".
I have hated myself, grasping this erratic, unreliable heart of mine..angry at it for not beating properly, the way it should.
I have wanted to strangle myself, for not being able to resist change..for not being as much in love as I have been with him as before.
I have been hurling the blame to myelf for some time, feeling all accountable for the failure of a love story that could have surpassed the trials of time and distance..for the failure of a potential magnificent fairytale and..happy ending.
On the still eve of the 23rd of December, I HAVE BROKEN THE HEART OF THE ONE WHO HAS LOVED ME unreservedly for almost four years.
And I have done it on that evening..TWICE.
Primera was when he sat beside me, then knelt in front of me, with hopeful puppy eyes, nervously holding up a gold ring studded with glistening crystals, and then asking..."WILL YOU BE MY WIFE?".
That was in which my jaw just kept dropped, as I was stunned..then pulled him and began to cry.
It was no tears of joy, for I had told him a throbbing response that I could not provide him a definite answer just yet.
My boyfriend of almost four years had just proposed to me; and I could not even say yes.
THAT WAS THE ONCE THAT I HAVE BROKEN HIS HEART.
*TO BE CONTINUED!