a dead crow under an elm tree, J2 AU, 1/1, [PG-13], beach!verse
Title: a dead crow under an elm tree
Author: sandymg
Beta: borgmama1of5
Summary: Jensen is invited to go trick or treating with Jared and his dogs. (Part of the beach!verse)
Wordcount: 1,700 - one-shot
Genre: RPS, J2 AU, H/C
Characters/Pairings: Jared/Jensen
Rating/Warnings: PG-13 (past emotional child abuse)
Disclaimer: This is fiction. No harm intended. No profit made.
A/N: Story title from the poem Death of a Crow by Suchoon Mo. Story follows love song chronologically.
A/N2: For jesseofthenorth who gifted me this poem on Halloween day.
AO3
a dead crow under an elm tree
“You take your dogs trick or treating?” Jensen knows he’s repeating the question but … really?
Jared smiles and nods. “They’re my kids.”
Jensen looks at Danni but she’s just grinning like this is normal. He knows that Jared can be a big kid at times. And it’s one of the things he loves about him. Jensen pauses because even silently he feels himself squirm inside thinking about how much in love he is with Jared.
And how he nearly lost him.
Since the grad school incident Jensen has made an effort to be more agreeable to his boyfriend. He doesn’t pull away at the PDAs as much. And he tries to show affection back.
It’s just that his notion of affection and Jared’s are sort of on different scales.
He supposes he can do this though. Make a fool of himself for Jared. Wouldn’t be the first time.
“If it’s important to you,” he replies finally.
He’s answered with a blinding smile and it’s enough to make any embarrassment worthwhile.
A week later, Halloween ends up having crap weather. A misty, persistent rain that started in the morning and still hasn’t cleared up. Sometimes you get days like that, living on the shore. Danni says it feels like they are inside a cloud. Jensen has a much more pragmatic view of the damp chill. It just sucks.
Jared comes in whistling. Jensen looks up and starts laughing instantly. A ball of felt flaps around his boyfriend in a huge circle, hanging off straps on his shoulders and ending at his upper thighs. His legs poke out of two holes on the bottom. It’s tent-like, round and the brightest yellow imaginable.
“What are you supposed to be? The sun?” Jensen chokes out between giggles.
“No. Of course not. I’m an M&M. Peanut … my favorite.”
Chuckles fade as Jensen looks at Jared another long moment. They are Jensen’s favorite, too. Or had been, a long time ago. He can’t remember the last time he ate one.
Jared cups his cheek and tilts Jensen toward him. “Jen?”
Jensen refocuses. “It’s great. Did you make it yourself?”
Jared peers at him closely. “Where’d you go, babe?”
Jensen sighs. Jared has a way of catching him when he drifts. Even after nearly six months it continues to astonish Jensen just how attuned Jared is to him. Sometimes it weirds him out. Other times, he feels like he can never deserve someone as special as Jared.
He kisses Jared awkwardly across the volume of material separating them. He knows Jared loves it when Jensen initiates intimacy outside the bedroom. The distraction works for a few sweet moments.
“Did your mom not like Halloween?” Jared asks gently as they pull apart.
Jensen laughs involuntarily. “Nobody does Halloween better than Mom. Ask Danni. Our house was spook central. Only time she has more decorations up is Christmas. We can pass by later if you want to see.”
“Does she give out candy? Because I remember you said she didn’t really approve-“
“She gives out tons of candy.”
Jared’s eyes are bright and he should look absolutely ridiculous in his puffy, sunny yellow round costume, weighted at the bottom to keep its shape. Except Jared can’t look anything but beautiful to Jensen.
“You weren’t allowed to eat any, were you?”
It’s stated as a question but Jensen knows Jared already knows the answer.
“Bad for your teeth, makes you fat. It’s not like she’s wrong.” Jensen knows he’s back in defensive mode. It’s instinct and he can’t help the part of him that does agree with her. Frankly, it is absurd to stuff children with sugar once a year in that way. And he does have great teeth.
“But she took you trick or treating?”
“I went with Danni and her folks. Mom would hold fort at home and give out candy. She dressed up, too. Usually a witch, only, not ugly, you know.”
Jensen watches Jared bite his lower lip, his thoughts crystal clear on his too-expressive face. He feels anger snap up from inside like he’s a puppy that’s just been kicked. “It’s not a big deal. Everything isn’t some life-altering trauma, dammit. Big fucking deal I couldn’t eat candy. If I was fat with bad teeth you wouldn’t want anything to do with me!”
The hurt drains Jared’s face white and Jensen is immediately contrite but as usual he can’t do anything about it. Can’t show it. Can’t talk about it. He’s been shifting backward since the conversation started and he’s feeling the absurdity on some level that’s he’s running away from a giant peanut M&M. It’s like the ultimate Halloween slasher film for midnight theater. His mind is playing out the scene of someone cowering from a killer dressed up as candy.
Slowly Jared unbuttons the shoulder straps that keep the costume up. It slides down like a banana peel and puddles at his feet. He steps out of it and approaches slowly like he’s confronting a jittery animal. Jensen feels the tension run through him and is biting back the urge to yell again. It’s warring with the desire to flee. He wishes Danni were here. There are times he still wonders if it might not have been best if Jared had left him for grad school in California. Jensen is so fucked up and Jared is … Jared.
A hand is squeezing his bicep. “Jen?”
Head spinning Jensen knows Jared is waiting. Wants to know what’s going on inside of Jensen’s mind.
It’s called communicating.
Yeah, well, I’m not the best at that.
But without it we won’t make it.
The sheer terror that sentence brought at the time made Jensen say he’d try.
“It’s not … The reason I wasn’t allowed to eat the Halloween candy is because it was bad for me.” Jensen stares hard at Jared now, begging him to just please let this go. “So … that’s what a mother is supposed to do. Keep bad things away from her kids. Please … don’t turn it into something tragic. Just. Don’t. Okay?”
Jared hugs him, nearly crushing his ribs but that’s fine because Jensen can tell his boyfriend has accepted Jensen’s explanation. It’s all Jensen needs.
“I know she loves you in her way. Loved you then and loves you now,” Jared murmurs in his ear. “It’s just that … “ Lips sweep his face, ghost against his ear. “I love you more than anything … and sometimes it just … ”
Jared stops himself from finishing and kisses Jensen instead. Soft, moist lips press against his own, tongue entering slowly and teasing his in small darts. Until Jared, he didn’t even really like kissing all that much. Now … not that he’d ever admit it … but he sometimes thinks it’s as good as sex.
As they pull apart Jensen tries to say it back. “I … “ His eyes feel so full they actually hurt. Why is it still so fucking hard? “Me, too,” he utters finally.
Jared keeps an arm around Jensen’s shoulders as he eyes what Jensen is wearing. “You’re not going in costume?”
“Sure I am.” Jensen smirks.
Taking a step back, Jared’s chin tilts toward the bedroom. “Is it inside?”
“Nope. Wearing it.” He sees Jared look him over again. Waits a beat. “I’m a lumberjack.”
Jared’s lips scrunch in his patented adorable pout. “Jensen, you’re wearing jeans and a flannel shirt like you wear whenever it’s chilly out.”
“Plaid,” Jensen says decisively. “I don’t wear plaid normally.”
And it’s true. Jensen has this shirt only for Halloween, because he dresses as a lumberjack every time Danni drags him to anything requiring a costume. Danni has long given up on getting him in anything else, and he figures Jared will too, one day.
Though it seems like that day is pretty soon because Jared is smiling again, bright and dimpled. “This is one of the million reasons I love you so much.”
Jensen feels the heat of hearing the words as Jared is looking right into his eyes, although they make no sense because why should his lumberjack costume be a reason to love him? He can’t think of anything to say back.
Jared slowly works his way back into the yellow sack and Jensen can’t help the giggle that leaks out. “It really is funny,” he tells Jared.
“Wait till you see what the kids are wearing,” Jared responds.
Jensen smiles again, looking forward to seeing the torture Jared’s inflicted on his poor dogs. Despite the crappy weather he finds himself looking forward to going out. It’s like Jared’s sunshine yellow costume will provide shelter from the freezing mist.
“Look, Jen, just so you know … I don’t keep the candy we get trick or treating.”
Jensen’s eyes widen at Jared’s declaration. Jared loves candy. It makes no sense.
His boyfriend continues. “I gather up whatever Chad and I collect and take it to the crew at the animal shelter. They appreciate it.” Jared hesitates. “But you … you can keep what you get.”
“It’s okay. That sounds like a good idea. You can have mine as well.”
“Are you sure? Because it’s yours Jensen. Your choice.”
Jensen isn’t that dumb as to not see what Jared’s doing. He comes closer, hand petting the soft felt. “Really. That is my choice.”
Jared beams at him. His hand disappears into the costume and comes up holding a bright yellow bag. “Good. And besides I brought these. Thought we could share them later.” He winks at Jensen. “In bed.”
Taking the peanut M&Ms from Jared’s outstretched hand Jensen is surprised at the tremble in his body. He means to flirt back, to say yes, to suggest games they could play. He means to say thank you.
What comes out is, “I love you.”
The surprise fills Jared’s gorgeous eyes until they shimmer like the ocean he loves. He doesn’t say it back with words but Jensen doesn’t need to hear it. He squeezes his fingers around the bumpy shapes in his hand.
Nope, he can feel it instead.
fin
Continues chronologically in love is more thicker than forget
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Death Of A Crow
by Suchoon Mo
Halloween night
in a city park
A dead crow
under an elm tree
I was there
standing alone
a flashlight in hand
wet in autumn rain
looking
Children in raincoats
passed by
A police car siren
wailed and faded
into the darkness beyond
No elegy
No dirge
No requiem
No tomb stone
A crow's death
is not tragic
and that is the tragedy
of the crow's death