Before things change: One heart left to break
One heart left to break
Disclaimer: The characters and other things from The Chronicles of Narnia don’t belong to me (sadly). Credit goes to those who do own them.
Aslan’s How was sacred ground in Narnia’s eyes but it was more than that to Caspian. It was the one place he felt he truly began to step out of the shadows that hid him as a child. It was a refuge when the raid against the Telmarines failed. It was where he failed the test of temptation. It symbolized redemption when he chose not to kill his uncle.
But as he looked at it now, it was only memories of Susan that remained in his mind. He recounted with perfect clarity how she stood against the structure and looked like she belonged nowhere else.
Caspian shook his head and moved to go inside, torch in hand. The air was cold and unnaturally still, as if time was suspended inside. He felt as if he was not alone yet oddly enough, it felt comforting. He forged on and searched for the path that would take him to the heart of the How. The light from his torch bounced off the wall with the crude painting of the kings and queens of old. He traced the outlines with his finger and closed his eyes, imagining how they stood in that same spot.
“She loves you, my dear king.”
Caspian’s eyes shot open at the sound of Aslan’s voice. He looked around and found no one. He frowned thinking his imagination was running wild in the darkness but the faint growl convinced him the voice was real.
“She deserves more than I can offer but I will try my best to be a good husband.” Caspian replied softly.
“I’m not talking about the one you want to run away from. I’m talking about Susan,” the great lion said simply.
Caspian drew a sharp breath and let it out slowly, deflated and defeated. “It matters not. She is no longer here.”
“You are giving up?” Aslan asked.
“A chance with her, yes, I accept it cannot be. Though I fail to understand, I know there must be a reason why she’s no longer in Narnia. But my love for her I shall never give up. I could not even if I tried. She’s a part of me, Aslan. She taught me how to be part of a family. Through her I saw the reason for selfless acts of courage. I saw how a warrior is strong and compassionate in the middle of a war. I learned things beyond what Miraz allowed me to see. Aslan, because of her I became a man. For that, for as long as I exist, I will love her.” Caspian finished passionately, his hand shaking from gripping the torch so hard. It was something he never told anyone. He had convinced himself earlier that he could learn to move on, that he could go through his life with someone else as his queen. But in this moment he understood it was a lie, one he wanted to wish away.
“Even if it has the power to cause pain to someone who asks for nothing but your love in return? One who was always meant to be your wife?” Aslan asked gently.
“I will hide it from her,” he replied weakly, not believing it himself.
“Do you think she doesn’t know it yet?”
Caspian leaned on the wall for support as he dropped his head, staring straight at the ground in shame. His bride-to-be did nothing to deserve such behavior from him.
“Dear one,” Aslan began, “You said so yourself, Susan is very much a part of who you are. I do not take Narnians for fools that they will not see that. But unlike you or the lady who waits for you, Susan was never made for Narnia, Caspian. She was born to live and die in her world. She was brought here to become the woman she was always meant to be but it was never meant to be more than that.”
“You’re saying I should not love her?” Caspian asked his voice hoarse mirroring the raw feeling he had inside. The mere thought of cutting her out of his life, even only from memories, was more devastating than he predicted. It made him want to run yet stand still at the same time. The contradiction exploding within him was more than he could handle.
“That is not something I can tell you nor can I ask of you. Who you love is entirely up to you and sometimes there never is a choice to begin with-you simply love them. It is no longer a question of feelings but a fact that you live with just like breathing air.”
Caspian stared straight into the distance as if seeing the great lion before him. “I promised Ramandu,” he began hesitantly, “that I would care for his daughter. Aslan, I will break my oath if I follow my heart. The pain I will cause her will be too great in exchange for my own happiness. I know she feels more for me than I for her. Is the painful truth worth it or is a lie a much kinder friend this time?”
“You are king of Narnia now Caspian, and though your sense of duty and honor must be strong, so must your spirit and honesty be. Do not fear pain for it is part of that love you possess. Embrace it, learn to live with it and grow from it. The only thing you must be afraid of is to live a lie and allow others to share in that charade.” Aslan said.
Suddenly Caspian laughed bitterly, louder and louder until he could no longer catch his breath. “I break my engagement and hurt someone innocent. I pine for someone who lives a world away. Susan will live long and forever missing the life we could have had together. In the end, I’ll have the three of us living our own versions of unhappily ever after.”
Caspian closed his eyes and for a long moment no sound was heard except for his own breathing.
“She loves you, my dear king,” Aslan repeated “and you love her in turn.”
“Is that enough to change things? Will it ever be enough?” Caspian asked softly.
“Fate, like any other in this world, is a slave to the true magic that brings life to this world. Love is the only true source of destiny. No one should be foolish enough to bend its will. I choose not to. I will let things play out and if you succeed, I give you my blessings wholeheartedly. What happens from the moment you step out of here will depend entirely on the choices you make,” Aslan said pausing slightly, “Love will always be enough because when all is said and done, it will be the only thing left.”
A sudden gust blew out the fire from Caspian’s torch and comforting warmth filled him with peace. With renewed hope, he stood up slowly and walked out, towards his most uncertain future.
Trumpkin was confident and headstrong but this latest development was something that left him weak in the knees. He knew not how to explain to his king that his bride had left with no more explanation than a sealed letter. He was afraid that his majesty would suffer from depression of always being left behind by the women in his life.
He tried to focus on how he would tell him that she simply vanished. Oh, they all saw her standing alone by the balcony, silent as she always was. They never bothered to think there was something amiss. Only one of the ladies noted a peculiar question, one relating to the old queen, but it wasn’t alarming. No one could predict she would act this way.
The dwarf paced back and forth in front of the king’s throne, muttering to himself ways to tell Caspian.
“Maybe I’ll start with a joke, lighten the mood a little bit,” Trumpkin said, “Like ‘Hey your majesty, heard somethin’ funny today. Bride ran away, got cold feet.’”
“That’s not even remotely funny,” Caspian said, his eyebrows raised high
Trumpkin turned, his eyes wide, and ran to his king hurriedly bowing his head in respect. “Sire, I didn’t realize you had arrived.”
“What’s this joke you’re muttering about?” Caspian asked.
The dwarf swallowed the growing lump in his throat. “Your majesty, it’s true. She has left. We’re sorry, we did not know until it was too late.”
Caspian’s eyes widened and he walked to sit on his throne, shock evident on his face. Trumpkin followed and handed him a small white envelope that bore the name of the king. The dwarf took one last look at the king before leaving the room, uncertain if the king should be left alone. Caspian nodded to assure his friend that he was alright. He needed space and a moment of peace to open the last message left for him.
He stared at the envelope for the longest time. Though his mind was still trying to reconcile what has happened, the reality had long since set in his heart. He never expected the wedding to push through; he just didn’t imagine she would be the one to undo what would have been a colossal mistake.
My dear king,
There is no need to search for me. I chose to leave of my own free will, just as I decided to love you from a distance. Yes, I love you and though it pains me to never have had the opportunity to ever tell you before, at least now you know and that is enough. Be at peace, my king, for I ask for nothing in return. There is no point in subjecting ourselves to a lifetime of discontent when it is well within my power to ensure that you at least escape this fate. It is a sacrifice I have been blessed to make.
The key that comes with this letter is no ordinary key. It has the power to open the only permanent gate between Narnia and Queen Susan’s world. I have enclosed a guide to get you there but I’m afraid I can only give you the path. The trials you will undergo to be deemed worthy to breach the barrier will be entirely on you. I pray that in the end, your love for her will give you both courage and wisdom. There is no other help I can give you but this.
I wish you happiness, dear Caspian, even if it’s not with me.
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