i actually wrote this August 21, 2006.
i dont know what it is.
its a feeling that i hate.
and i cant let it go.
i hate it i hate it i hate it!!
i hate that feeling when u have something wrong. theres something wrong inside of u and u long for someone to come and help u but the truth is that ur in htis world alone.
ive tried to depend on other people for so long to help me release all the tension adn my despair but it never worked.
i hate showing my weakness but its come to a point where i cant handle it anymore. i need help. i want help. i long for help. but im just so
helpless.
i hate it.
i try to tell myself that i have high hopes an dthat i have god and all this stuff but a minute later im back where i was before.
crying in my room wondering what went wrong.
i cant even type. i cant even explain this that im feeling.
just a bunch of jumbled up words that probly dont even make anysense.
I AM NOT DEPRESSED!!!
im insecure.
i have low self confidence an di dont know how to fix it.
i have a low self esteem and......
i dont know what else to say.
i dont know what to do.
i hate andmitting my weaknesses.
i hate it i just dont do it.
but i cant help it. i cant.
i have so much in me that i need to let out but i just cant.
i dont know where to ge tthe right help. i cant even talk to my mom.
SHE JUST DOESNT UNDERSTAND!!
i dont trust my sister she doesnt care.
my "friends" have there own lives to take care of.
i have god.
only god.
the one person i look to at the end of the day.
where i kneel down beside my bed and ask for forgiveness for something i dont even know i did.
i tell him to help me be happy.
i ask for mercy.
but it all just ends up the same.
i wake up the next morning feeling all confident and it all just gets smashed back to the ground like it did the day before.
i feel liek no body cares about me. nobody cares.
i feel like i dont belong. ive searched through thick and thin trying to find that place where i feel happy.
but the truth is simple:
sandralizpolanco will never belong.
she will always be that little girl that cried at night for a father.
she will always be that girl that envied other little girls because they were everything she wasnt.
she will always be that girl that hated other ones because they had what she wanted.
she will always be that girl that felt unloved and that nobody cared about.
she will always be that girl.