Making meaning
Just had a wonderful session, all about how we make meaning in our lives. One of those sessions where I feel I must be getting at least as much out of it as my client. I wanted to make some notes to remind myself of what was said in this session that makes me feel so calm and present.
We started off talking about how we twist ourselves up with those things we have been taught _should_ make us happy. We lose track of what really feels good, we lose track of existing and enjoying the moment, because we are chasing what we think should feel good and make us happy; relationships, money, food, drugs... And while we chase these things we never catch them. We might have moments of satisfied achievement, but they last only so long as everything for a moment exactly fits the model in our head. And that happens so very rarely.
I remember sitting in a buddhist mediation group and being gently guided in meditation where I sank so deeply into the moment that I feel supreme joyousness just looking at my feet. As I talked to this client today about existing in and enjoying the moment, I mentioned just enjoying and exalting in the colors of the blanket folded along the top of the couch. And for a moment I did just that. The sun shining on the colors seemed supremely beautiful. The place I was in seemed just right. For a moment everything narrowed down to the moment and was beautiful. In moments like these I let go of fear and worry of expectations and just about all thoughts of everything except how blissful the moment is.
I remember another time when I was very connected to this spiritual side of myself, sometime in my early 20s. I had gone to the beach and blissfully meditated on the waves. Then when I went back to my car there was sherif waiting for me. He had run my car plates because I had an expired registration, and found out that had a bench warrant out for me for failing to pay some court fees (or show up in court). I was arrested and taken to Marin County jail. Yet I was so peaceful I didn't care. They locked me in this little room by myself and I sat on the table and meditated and blissed out on just existing. When my parents showed up they had to call my name twice before I even noticed they were there. I just didn't care. Existence in it's beauty and power were enough. It was one of the most pleasurable experiences of my life.
I want to remember this state. I want to exist more in this state. I understand that being human makes it close to impossible to be in this state all the time-I actually find myself envying Buddhist monks and other very spiritual/truly religious people for the reward they get of being this state that I call "enlightenment" more than most (I assume). When I remember that this feeling exists, this place of delight beyond worry or fear, this place in which I am truly free to make decisions because I have nothing blocking me, then I feel like nothing else in the world matters as much as spirituality.
I haven't been in this place for a long time. It's almost felt like life has been so easy that until recently that it was worthwhile even without it. But now that has changed. Now fear has re-entered my life enough that I desperately need this true-ist of all resources. I really need the peace of spirit and the sense of connection to all of life that comes with it. I'm not sure how to get it, how to hold on to it, other than writing about it, talking about it, maybe reading about it. I did recently find myself returning to several of my favorite pagan chants ("The river she is flowing..") to bring me back to my memory of that connection. Chris was able to find the album that I had had that had that on it ("Flight of the hawk") and re-purchase it for me and download it, so I can listen to it the way I used to. I also used to connect with this feeling and this peace whenever I did group ritual. I haven't been to group ritual in a long time because it hasn't connected me in that way in a long time. I wonder if I might be ready now to return to it and come back to experiencing it the way I did.
When it comes down to it, my decision to have children was spiritual. I wanted that connected with life and the cycles and continuity and family... I made that decision long ago and over and over. But I have been very far removed from that for several years. I just knew that I had decided that this was what I wanted-I've kind of lost sight of why. Maybe it was the four miscarriages. I think I might have stopped experiencing my faith due to those miscarriages. The first one shocked me so much. It came a week after I'd attended (and I think felt spiritually connected at) a Stone City Beltane. Was that the last ritual where I felt connected? Could I have closed myself off from Goddess and ritual due to bitterness?
At any rate, this lack of spirit connection, now being pregnant with two babies due in about three months has left me feeling stranded. I need to get back to spirit or I fear I will drown in this world with the fears and work that come with childbirth and rearing.
We started off talking about how we twist ourselves up with those things we have been taught _should_ make us happy. We lose track of what really feels good, we lose track of existing and enjoying the moment, because we are chasing what we think should feel good and make us happy; relationships, money, food, drugs... And while we chase these things we never catch them. We might have moments of satisfied achievement, but they last only so long as everything for a moment exactly fits the model in our head. And that happens so very rarely.
I remember sitting in a buddhist mediation group and being gently guided in meditation where I sank so deeply into the moment that I feel supreme joyousness just looking at my feet. As I talked to this client today about existing in and enjoying the moment, I mentioned just enjoying and exalting in the colors of the blanket folded along the top of the couch. And for a moment I did just that. The sun shining on the colors seemed supremely beautiful. The place I was in seemed just right. For a moment everything narrowed down to the moment and was beautiful. In moments like these I let go of fear and worry of expectations and just about all thoughts of everything except how blissful the moment is.
I remember another time when I was very connected to this spiritual side of myself, sometime in my early 20s. I had gone to the beach and blissfully meditated on the waves. Then when I went back to my car there was sherif waiting for me. He had run my car plates because I had an expired registration, and found out that had a bench warrant out for me for failing to pay some court fees (or show up in court). I was arrested and taken to Marin County jail. Yet I was so peaceful I didn't care. They locked me in this little room by myself and I sat on the table and meditated and blissed out on just existing. When my parents showed up they had to call my name twice before I even noticed they were there. I just didn't care. Existence in it's beauty and power were enough. It was one of the most pleasurable experiences of my life.
I want to remember this state. I want to exist more in this state. I understand that being human makes it close to impossible to be in this state all the time-I actually find myself envying Buddhist monks and other very spiritual/truly religious people for the reward they get of being this state that I call "enlightenment" more than most (I assume). When I remember that this feeling exists, this place of delight beyond worry or fear, this place in which I am truly free to make decisions because I have nothing blocking me, then I feel like nothing else in the world matters as much as spirituality.
I haven't been in this place for a long time. It's almost felt like life has been so easy that until recently that it was worthwhile even without it. But now that has changed. Now fear has re-entered my life enough that I desperately need this true-ist of all resources. I really need the peace of spirit and the sense of connection to all of life that comes with it. I'm not sure how to get it, how to hold on to it, other than writing about it, talking about it, maybe reading about it. I did recently find myself returning to several of my favorite pagan chants ("The river she is flowing..") to bring me back to my memory of that connection. Chris was able to find the album that I had had that had that on it ("Flight of the hawk") and re-purchase it for me and download it, so I can listen to it the way I used to. I also used to connect with this feeling and this peace whenever I did group ritual. I haven't been to group ritual in a long time because it hasn't connected me in that way in a long time. I wonder if I might be ready now to return to it and come back to experiencing it the way I did.
When it comes down to it, my decision to have children was spiritual. I wanted that connected with life and the cycles and continuity and family... I made that decision long ago and over and over. But I have been very far removed from that for several years. I just knew that I had decided that this was what I wanted-I've kind of lost sight of why. Maybe it was the four miscarriages. I think I might have stopped experiencing my faith due to those miscarriages. The first one shocked me so much. It came a week after I'd attended (and I think felt spiritually connected at) a Stone City Beltane. Was that the last ritual where I felt connected? Could I have closed myself off from Goddess and ritual due to bitterness?
At any rate, this lack of spirit connection, now being pregnant with two babies due in about three months has left me feeling stranded. I need to get back to spirit or I fear I will drown in this world with the fears and work that come with childbirth and rearing.