a portrait of an american family
im a spaz.... i was hanging out for friends and then i got a feeling like i should dart and di so quite suddenly... now im at home and i wish i had some1 to hang out with... so i still dunno what my dads thing yesterday was... but hes snapped out of it and has been in a very pissy mood for the day. he still seems like he is fucked up but i dont think he is actually taking anything... his liver is for all intent and purposes dead and the liver makes sure that the 100s of chemicals that our bodies make are in check so it is not uncommon for some one in his situation to act this way. but my mother doesnt believe him anymore. the only thing she thinks it is is pills, and she is gonna keep thinking it and they are gonna continue fighting untill he is dead. and i got kinda mad at my mom but ive been thinking about how all of this started with the pills and how long its gone on. when my dad first started getting messed up on pills my mom was the last one to believe it. her husband, on of the most honest men shed ever met, would not lie about popping pills. but then after a year i was one of the ones to tell her mom wake the fuck up hes eating them like M&Ms. and then for the next 2 years he lied to us over and over. he peddled pills and played around like it was a fucking game without a second thought as to how he was ruining this family. even when he went to jail and DTed he came out and my mom tried to forgive. i cant imagine the pian my mother must have felt to turn her as cold as she has become to him... i think thats she really hates him, hates what he has made her. you can only be lied to and lied to and shown how much more important chemicals are than you so many times. countless times me screaming at the top of my lungs trying to wake him up while my mother is crying her eyes out. for the last 2 years of high school i could only guess where my father would be passed out on the floor, him lieing to my mother, getting fucked up in the morning so that by the time my mom got home he was alert enough to be an asshole. there is only one thing that i hate my father for, and thats what he has done to my little brother... ive coped with things in some bad ways but my brother has gone completly inside... he doesnt care about anything because he has been worn down by all of this pain... i dont think im stronger than him but hes choosen to hide away in video games and never leave his room... because the world has never offered him anything but shit. he used to help me pick him up and put him in his room when he passed out and i would get mad at him when he didnt help me... but the time i came into his room and saw my father passed out and mumbling on floor in my brothers room and i saw my little brother with tears in his eyes just playing on the computer trying to block out what was going on around him. i feel so much pain for my little brother that i cannot even describe it... i think about the things that have been said to him and how he has been fucked with by people his entire life and it fills me with the most severe mixure of saddness and rage. i remember quite vividly one night about a year ago. me was so messed up that i was afraid that he would die, i was literallyscreaming and crying and hitting him to make him wake up... he had done this a few weeks earlier but it was much worse this time... me and my mother and my brother were screaming and he would not snap out of it so we callled 911 and continued to try and make him wake up... and when the EMTs got there and started inspecting him something amazing happened he started tring to make himself be alert because he knew that he would be in deep shit if they thought that he was taking too many pills... and they may take away his pills if they thought that... so after we had screamed and cried and done all of this shit and pain he wakes up for them! becuase they could mother fucking get him in trouble, where as we were always there to drag his fukcing ass up and make sure he was ok. he would rather try and save his own ass than be there for my family... he didnt fucking care... he always knew exactly what the fuck he was doing and didnt ever care until my mom threatened to leave him too many times or he went to jail... me and my little brother never entered into the equation to him and now he expects a get out of jail free card becuase he is dieing... well what about the life of my familys that hes already killed.