(no subject)

[sandimaskid]

i am so damn empty, that i feel like i would be better off with any emotion. so i fill myself with sadness. i flood my mind with her beauty, and how much i miss her, and memories i have of being with her. sometimes these mempories make me smile, but then i catch myself smiling, and feel sad again. as if i am lost in happiness for a moment but then i realize that i am not supposed to feel happy. and i end it. when im emtpy i feel... empty and alone. and when im sad i feel upset and alone. i dont know how to feel other emotions right now. im pulling myself down. it is impossible to put how i feel into words. i am frustrated, but understanding. i am empty, yet full. i am angry, but i do not know where i direct my anger. i cant direct it at her. she never did wrong. i did wrong. i didnt realize what i had until it was gone. it is gone and i cant help but hope that it will return. i love what she was. and i hate what she has become. but maybe she still is what she was and i am blinding myself from seeing that. maybe she is the same beautiful, amazing girl as always. the only difference is that she is growing up. she loved me to feel this way before . now she is frustrated that i still feel this way. and so am i. i dont understand. i dont understand myself. i dont understand her. i dont understand love. all i do know is that she helped me to find myself this summer. and without her, i forget what i found. nothing can bring her back. nothing. but i am still searching for something that will, regardless. what will bring her back, exists on the inside of me and her. and i want to find it. yeah... '"it": the nothing that we hide, which can turn into something, if cared for the way it is meant to be cared for. maybe "it" is love.

*know im burning tonight*