PRS AU fic: Change your name and come seek me; Part 5
Masterpost
They find a fragile surface they can navigate their feelings on, and Jared can deal with that. Having Jensen around, even in small doses, is the best thing in his life. And Jared is selfish like this, he will keep every piece he’s allowed to and won’t share.
Sometimes though, sometimes, it gets difficult. When this heart-wrenching sadness comes to remind of itself, tagging along the memories of what they once had, cutting him from inside, Jared can’t find enough air to breathe.
He wonders if that perfect world existed only in his imagination.
When it happens, Jared spends the night alone, burying himself under the covers and reminds himself how to breathe.
One morning, Jared is suspiciously eyeing the coffee machine at the office, contemplating if a fourth cup of coffee in two hours can be considered reasonable when Chad announces the arrival of another client and goes to get the body.
Before he leaves, he points his finger at Jared sternly, “And stop drinking coffee, it’s not good for that red thing in your chest. Do you know how many heart attack clients we have here? They’re hissing with indignation at you.”
“They just envy me,” Jared yells at his back, the coffee decision made.
Jared joins Chad later, with a plastic cup of coffee in his hand, coming closer to check on the victim on the forensic table, body covered in a sheet, “Okay, who is our guy?”
“The girl,” Chad corrects him and pulls the cover off. Jared is close enough to see her, to recognize her. “One of those virus victims, Julie Tate.”
Jared freezes, realization sinking in and making his stomach drop.
He looks down at the body numbly, brain trying to process the information.
“How is that possible?” Jared finally manages to say quietly.
He starts shaking, breathing shallowly, not able to control it, and his coffee spills on the floor.
“It is some kind of flu virus or something. It’s up for the coroner to investigate and find out.” Chad shrugs and glances at Jared, “What?”
Jared’s thoughts shut him out from the world.
It is inconsistent. He saved her, right? What is she doing here? Is he supposed to save her again? She should not be dead!
Jared’s free hand starts rubbing his temple in frustration as he looks down at Julie and waits for her to open her eyes. She should.
He waits and she doesn’t.
Chad frowns at him and Jared ignores him completely.
Instead, Jared closes his eyes to let the events make sense in his head.
Some irritating thought is drilling in the back of his mind, and Jared catches the end of it to unwind it.
Chad told them about other victims. She is not the first victim of the virus. What about the others? Who were the others?
Jared concentrates on the case and tries to get rid of the image of Julie and her father with Julie’s words ringing in his ears, “What’s the worst thing that could have happened?”
Chad touches his elbow and Jared startles, looking up at Chad with blank stare, becoming aware of his presence.
“I knew her.” Jared admits, eyes glassy.
“Shit! I’m sorry.” Chad pats his hand, eyes sympathized. “I’m sure there’s nothing anyone could do. It’s a virus. We can only-”
“Can you back me up today?” Jared interrupts him, face inscrutable.
“What?” Chad frowns.
“I need to be somewhere else.” Jared cuts out.
Chad gives him an uncertain shrug of his shoulders, and Jared takes it as affirmation, running out of the morgue and throwing the cup into a garbage can on his way out.
Jared spends next three hours on the couch in his living room surfing on-line, victims’ profiles popping up onto his screen, just a picture and basic information on the person’s life.
For Jared, every picture holds a story, a part of his own life.
He saved each one of them, and they were supposed to keep on breathing, keep on living. Jared gave them their lives back. But now, each one of them is dead. Every single one.
Jared sucks in a breath and keeps going through the pictures, fingers clicking the mouse, eyes scanning every picture and memorizing it.
He closes his eyes when he gets dizzy, starting to rub the tiredness out of them. Abruptly, there are voices in his head, urgent whispers, “Help me!” forcing him to open his eyes wide open and jerk in shock.
When things go wrong, there’s only one place for Jared to go.
Jared opens Jensen’s apartment and calls for him, voice tight, marching through the rooms, but Jensen is nowhere in sight.
Jared checks the fridge for any post-it note Jensen could left him, but there’s only an old one, “We are out of milk, Jared. Give it a delicate thought.”
Jared looks at the note, considering the possibility of Jensen going out for milk, when there’s some rustling sound in the living room, and Jared rushes to find a thick yellow envelope on the floor slipped under the door by someone.
There’s only one word printed in the middle of the envelope in uppercase letters, JARED.
Jared swings open the door to the silence of the hall. He pauses and then, moves hastily, checking the stairs, head jerking up and down, but there’s not even a sound. Whoever was there has disappeared.
Jared goes back into Jensen’s apartment, turning the envelope in his hands before opening it, heart beating loudly.
There is a folded letter inside, and two small envelopes that slip out onto Jared’s palm.
Jared reads a letter first, scanning the handwriting.
“I think you should be informed of the things in your life that are controlled by others.
There’s a key card in the first envelope that will open the door to an apartment you might find yourself interested in. You’ll find an address there as well.
You need to get into apartment 507. I want you to take part in the conversation that will be held there by two specific people. Considering that you are the subject of this conversation, you won’t be bored.
One of those guys will give you the answers to your saving-lives-destiny. Remarkably, he is well known to you. You will find a picture of him in the second envelope.
This is one of the surprises I prepared for you, Jared.
This is only for you. Don’t tell me I never did anything good for you.”
Jared finds the card and address in the first envelope, frowning down at them.
When he opens the second envelope, the candid picture of his father is slipping through his fingers, and Jared watches it float down to the floor, face pale.
Jared parks the car and slips out, eyes warily scanning the surroundings. The building looks high-tech, almost business center style, and Jared is positive that the apartment he intends to enter costs more than his and Jensen’s flats combined.
The doorman opens the door to him, “good day, sir”, and Jared swallows the lump in his throat and nods confidently, “thank you, you, too”.
He doesn’t know where he’s going, and it’s certainly not some wedding party to crash, but he left a note with an address for Jensen pinned to the fridge under a magnet, with an instruction to ‘learn about this place only if I’ve gone missing for more than one day and please be careful and do NOT to go there by yourself under any circumstances!’
Jared was contemplating calling Jensen, but he obviously had been under someone’s radar, and Jensen is the last person Jared wants to drag into a situation that just screams ‘danger’.
It might be a trap, but Jared has a handgun tucked into the back of his jeans, a present from Megan because ‘I won’t let my brother go off half-cocked on his life saving missions’.
People keep dying, and Jared desperately needs some answers, especially if his father is involved. He never trusted the man, and if he has to use a gun against him, he will.
Jared takes the elevator. Every limb in his body is tense and controlled, and Jared’s skin tightens, preparing for the worst, the gun a comfortable weight at his back.
He exits into the hall, eyeing it warily, and walks carefully until he spots the right door.
Jared’s eyes are fixed on the apartment number, 507, as he sets his jaw.
He looks around for a moment, not hearing a sound. Jared slowly pulls out the key card, holding his breath to make less noise.
When he carefully pushes open the door, he hears two different voices talking.
And he recognizes both of them.
Jared’s gut twists painfully, but he steps right into the mess his life has become.
“Well,” Jared starts solemnly, swinging door open with a bang and walking in, facing Jensen and his father, “If this isn’t a happy family reunion, I don’t know what is.”
He eyes them both with a raptor’s gaze; his skin feels hot as a rage boils inside him.
They both turn to look at him, having the same blank expression, holding to their composure.
“Go on. Don’t stop on my account.” Jared says coldly, making a hand gesture, kindly allowing them to continue.
“Chief Ray, I will handle it from here. Can you please leave the two of us alone?” Jared has Jensen’s full attention, but it never tasted so bitter.
“Chief Ray?” Jared raises his eyebrows and drawls mockingly, smirking at his father. ”I see. I guess Gerald is too sleek for you, and you decided to go with your middle name. Just call him Gerry, Jensen. Doesn’t Gerry suit your two-faced nature, father?”
Gerald keeps silent, his face completely void of emotion, and Jared wants to break this pristine composure.
“And Gerry isn’t going anywhere,” Jared pulls the gun out of his jeans with a smile on his lips, setting his father as the target. “Some answers are required, father. Please share.”
Gerald regards him speculatively for moment before a crooked smile appears on his lips. “Like mother, like son.”
Jared’s mouth twitches into a grim smirk as his father continues, “You can’t just go on with your lives, letting the world tick the way it should. Why bother to save the lives that are gone, that have to be gone for the world to keep going the way it should be? Destiny? Vanity? Glory? Do you know it yourself?”
Jared pointedly ignores his words, “You two seem pretty tight. Can I join your club? Or it is only for cool kids?”
Jared keeps looking at his father the whole time Gerald talks, while feeling Jensen’s intense gaze on his skin, “We keep tabs on people like you. Make sure you don’t ruin the course of nature. There a few people like us who can track you, stepping up with you into the re-written day and make sure it goes the way it has to, fixing your fails.”
Jared’s neck prickles. He allows himself a moment of silence, realization sinking it, latest events starting to make frightful sense, making him want to hurl. Instead, Jared holds to his mask.
He turns to face Jensen, his voice is deliberately calm when he speaks, “What about 6-year-old Katie, Jensen? How was she standing in a way of your perfect world that you called her father and let a child die?”
“She will be missed, but the world was not damaged, I fixed a gap.” Jensen says begrudgingly.
“A gap?” Jared gasps.
He remembers his Jensen comforting him, holding him and fixing his wounds, being sad and compassionate. Who is this guy?
Something in Jensen’s gaze shifts, but Jared can’t read him. Doesn’t know how to read this stranger. “I know you don’t understand it, but this is how things should be. You don’t know what happens to people who are back from the grave. They might have changed. The person they were is dead.” He sounds earnest and secure in his belief, and Jared tightens his grip on the gun, trying not to give himself away. He wants to shake Jensen hard, slam him against the wall and fuck him until he’s a trembling mess for Jared to force him into his way of thinking.
He sneers at the words, “You actually believe that? Or it is what helps you sleep at night?”
Jensen tightens his jaw and turns to Jared’s father. “Sir, can I be left alone with Jared?”
“He is the one who has a gun pointed at me,” Gerald points out.
“With all due respect, sir, I don’t see how this is considered as an obstacle to you,” there’s a slight demand to his tone, and they look at each other, having some silent conversation that ends with Gerald miraculously deciding to leave without any remark, not looking at anyone, face tight, with Jared’s gun following him out.
The sound of shut door does the trick.
The fury, vehemence, and hurt Jared was keeping inside are now running through his veins, making his skin boil and his body tremble.
Jared lunches to press his body against Jensen’s, pressing gun under his chin, spitting out the words that have been running in his head since the moment he walked into the room, voice wavering, “You were fucking with me right from the start?”
Jensen flinches, and Jared watches his Adam’s apple move as he swallows, but he still looks at Jared with determination, voice stubborn, “Don’t take that personally. It’s my job. It has nothing to do with you.”
Jared can’t breathe the same air as him, Jensen is suffocating. Jared pulls away slightly, barrel of gun not changing its place.
He looks into Jensen’s green eyes with disbelief, and he doesn’t find even a hint of regret.
Jared’s control slips away. “You used me like I’m trash, and it has nothing to do with me?” He screams in outbreak, hurt making his voice tremble.
Jensen keeps silence, mouth screwed in discomfort as if he wants to be anywhere but here. As if Jared is the one being unreasonable here.
Jared can’t stop watching him, can’t believe the betrayal, still trying to find his Jensen. He bites inside of his mouth and screams, “It has everything to do with me. You were spying on me, lying all this time, letting me believe you don’t remember a thing from that day. You let those people get killed. You-”
He stops, gasping, air leaving him. Jared takes a step back, pulling down his gun as he rubs his left hand across his face, voice quieting down, “How could you?”
“That wasn’t my intention.” Jensen tries to keep his voice calm and neutral, but there’s steel seeping into his voice. Anger, so much anger and despair, and hurt. It comes from Jared, but it affects Jensen, threatening his composure and twisting the words he planned to say. “You were acting immature. Not in this line of work. Don’t blame me for your mistakes. You can’t mess with the natural order.”
“Spare me the details. What do you know about the natural order?” Jared hisses, anger and pain making his eyes sting, and he presses his hand to cover his eyes for a moment.
“I know who should live and who should not. I know the day I’m supposed not to.” He sounds business-like, detached, and Jared wants to hit him.
He looks at Jensen, not able to take in all the information that already destroys him bit by bit.
“How soon will it be?” Jared asks numbly, eyeing Jensen, building an indifferent facade.
“You’ll be pleased.” Jensen answers flatly.
Jared tilts his face to the side and leans forward to watch Jensen closely, catching an image of himself in Jensen’s irises.
Jensen fights to keep his eyes open. Jared watches him carefully when he brushes his lips over Jensen’s, their eyes wide open.
Jensen swallows hard but stands still.
“I’ll make sure to turn your life into hell before you leave.” Jared whispers before he resigns, straightening his shoulders, and not bothering to close the door on his way out.
Jensen stands frozen on the spot.
Jared sits in his car, looking ahead numbly, not seeing a thing. He can’t wrap his head around how things should work from now on. He feels as if he spent a few years in that apartment. He’s changed, the world has changed. Nothing in his life makes sense anymore; he’s only left with lies and pain.
He can turn it into anger easily.
Jared’s mind scans the last few months, examining every little detail stored into his memory under Jensen’s label to find the gaps he missed. Everything is flawless, clean and shiny, perfectly-polished lies for Jared to be fooled and let Jensen under his skin.
Jared made a promise to Jensen. He plans to keep it.
Jensen wakes up the next day to Jared pinning him to bed, “Hello, gorgeous. Missed me?”
“Fuck off,” Jensen bucks his hips, and Jared pins him down harder, “You were always good with your moves, but let’s try something new.”
Jensen opens his mouth to say something else, but Jared sucks a bruise into his collarbone and licks it, nibbling at the skin which ends with Jensen letting out a shaky breath before he moans brokenly.
Jared pulls away to look into Jensen’s green eyes, chewing on his lower lip thoughtfully, eyes dark, “Let’s set some rules, Jensen. I’m not gonna rape you, not gonna force you into something you don’t want. I’m not that guy, you know this. But there’s something I want from you and it is something you are willing to give me of your own accord, so I came to take what’s mine.” He emphasizes the last word by grinding down into Jensen, pressing their cocks together.
Jensen lets out an uncontrollable choked out sound, breathing hard, and Jared leans to licks Jensen’s upper lip, tugging gently, before he whispers against his lips, “If you don’t want it, all you have to say is no.”
Jared pulls up to watch Jensen carefully, trying to read his every thought, thighs purposely not even brushing, and he doesn’t miss the disappointed look Jensen fails at hiding.
Jensen looks back at him defiantly and says nothing, setting his chin up and pressing his lips into a hard line. Stubborn bastard.
Jared smirks and obtrusively shoves his hand down Jensen’s shorts to stroke Jensen’s half-hard dick.
“You-,” Jensen hisses angrily, surprised and pissed, but his hips are pushing into Jared’s hand, so it doesn’t seem relevant.
“Were you complaining?” Jared grins and uses his free hand to pull down Jensen’s shorts, while he slides slowly down Jensen’s body; Jensen doesn’t seem to be considering pushing Jared off anymore.
Jared laps at Jensen’s dick experimentally, from the base to the head, and back, and Jensen makes a low grunt in his throat while Jared’s hands pull up and part Jensen’s legs. Jensen starts trembling when Jared’s fingers find his hole, and Jared drops open-mouthed kisses to the inside of his thigh.
“I’ll take care of you. You know I will.” Jared says, sincere and convincing, Jensen’s body is a taut line for a few seconds before he relaxes. Come to think of it, Jensen has no reason to not trust Jared, but Jared is not willing to think about that at the moment, trying to shut off his hurt and bleeding heart.
Jared’s lips close around the crown of Jensen’s cock, tongue pressing into the slit, while his fingers play with Jensen’s balls, tugging lightly and enjoying the little gasps Jensen makes. Jared circles the underside of the head with his tongue, fingers moving to slide down the shaft, listening to the chocked sounds Jensen makes before Jared relaxes his jaw and goes down on him, sucking hard and tight.
Jensen is trusting into Jared’s mouth, cursing, hitting the back of his throat when Jared’s fingers start stretching his hole. Jared pulls his fingers out to put them in his mouth along with Jensen’s cock, sucking determinedly and Jensen gasps, shaking.
Jared removes his fingers and prods back into Jensen’s hole, letting them slide easily inside Jensen.
Jensen sobs Jared’s name, and Jared is so hard he’s losing his mind.
Jared pulls away - ignoring Jensen’s unhappy cry - to move up and kiss Jensen on the lips, dirty and rough, sharing spit and precome, his eyes half-open to watch Jensen while he nibbles on Jensen’s lower lip until it’s red and bruised. “That’s better.”
Jensen’s eyes are dark, full of want and promises, his face is flush and pink, and Jared has to look away, afraid that he’ll say or do something stupid.
He hates himself, and he loves Jensen. This is not how things should be.
Jared closes his eyes and moves down Jensen’s body. Jared’s fingers collect precome from the slit to push into Jensen’s hole, two fingers fucking him with sharp movements, and Jensen shakes furiously.
“Please,” Jared looks up to watch Jensen’s mouth.
“What was that?” Jared demands. Jensen licks his lips and weakly repeats, “Please, Jared.”
Jensen looks open and vulnerable, similar to how Jared’s Jensen was in rare moments, allowing only Jared witness him this way. And Jared was never able to refuse his Jensen anything.
Jared bends down to kiss Jensen’s cheek, memories of Jensen’s lips locked on his cheek make him linger longer than necessary, but bitterness tugs at his heart as well, and Jared shakes his head and shifts to navigate his dick into Jensen’s hole while gripping Jensen’s cock to jack him with firm, harsh strokes, twisting his wrist.
Jared has the head of his dick caught on rim of Jensen’s hole, thrusting shallowly inside of Jensen, just past the first ring of muscles, while Jensen bucks into Jared’s hand and sobs helplessly for more. Not getting enough of Jared. Greedy bastard. Always wanting everything and taking more than Jared is willing to give. But not anymore.
Jared jacks Jensen faster, intently watching him coming apart in front of Jared’s eyes.
Jensen cries, “I- Please-”, not managing to finish the sentence as Jared bites at the underside of his knee. Jensen gasps and comes, trembling furiously.
“Jared,” he sighs, eyes heavy and hooded. Jared closes his eyes and pretends not to notice.
Jared leans to lick the beads of sweat and come of Jensen’s stomach, biting hard enough to leave a purple bruise, and thrusts a few more times before he shudders, crushing apart. Jared lets himself have a moment of closeness with Jensen, overwhelmed with feelings, before he pulls out of Jensen to lie beside him, trying to catch his breath.
Jensen is panting next to him, his body is covered with their shared come, and he intentionally avoids Jared’s gaze. Jared can’t stop a bitter smile from forming on his lips, “Don’t worry, I’m not going to bother you with cuddling. Don’t want to see you fake that for me as well.”
Jared jerks off the bed, grabbing his clothes and leaves.
Jensen still lives across the hall.
Jared’s legs still try to navigate his body towards Jensen’s door when Jared is not conscious enough, rubbing sleep from his eyes in the mornings or coming back worn out at nights.
Jared wants to bang on Jensen’s door and demand him to get the fuck out, out of this building, out of Jared’s life. But he doesn’t know what he will do the minute he lays eyes on Jensen.
Jared calls his father when his brain gets supersaturated, a congestion of thoughts and ideas, of childhood memories.
His brain is having trouble linking his father with Chief Ray, let alone his Jensen and that detached bastard he is left with, but he needs the answers to, at least, keep his body and brain functioning, his heart be damned.
“Hello, father. We need to talk.” He says brassily, not even trying for politeness. This is all the explanation the jerk deserves.
“Do we?” Gerald’s voice is deliberately dry, but Jared could care less about his feelings.
“My mother.” Jared’s knuckles are white on the black cell phone.
“This isn’t a conversation to be had over the phone, Jared.” His voice sounds odd, less controlled and more strained, and Jared’s lips twitch with disdain.
“Where?” Jared bites out.
“The place we met the last time.”
The line goes dead, and Jared gives his cell phone a look of exasperation, “Ask me again why I don’t like you.”
The quiet coffee house on the corner four blocks from Jared’s apartment looks harmless and tiny for the revelations Jared intends to drag out of his father.
Jared is nursing a big cup of black coffee in his hands when his father slips into his booth with a comment on his lips, “That stuff is going to kill you one day.”
Jared mechanically looks down at his cup and then, up to his father, “Gee, thanks for your concern. Let’s be a happy family again.”
His father winces but doesn’t comment.
He signals the waitress for a tea and jumps to business. As usual.
“Deaths are happening, Jared. This is not a virus. Someone is killing people. Someone who is medically trained to make it look like it’s a virus. And we know it has something to do with you. There’s a person close to you who knows about your power and chases the ones you save. Can you think of someone? Like that weird Chad guy you spend your time with?”
Jared takes a long sip of coffee, ignoring the whole speech, and smiles mock-sweetly at his father, “Not that I don’t appreciate your constant ability to put your work interests before your family’s, but this is my call, father. And we’re gonna discuss what I want.”
Jared’s smile slips away, and he fixes his father with a hard look.
“You still don’t understand,” his father tightens his lips in disappointment, but Jared has 28 years of practice of not letting it get to him, “acting like a child when there are bigger things to worry about.”
“What can you tell me about my mother?” Jared’s voice comes out unsteady, and he inwardly scowls at his flow.
“What do you want to know?” His father takes deliberate sips of his tea while Jared watches his every movement with distaste.
“Why did you leave her?”
Gerald is composed and insensible as ever, every word is measured. “She was like you, not realizing that there are bigger things than me and her. She wanted to save people. I wanted to let them die as they are supposed to. We couldn’t stay together. When people with such opposite boons collide, the future of their abilities is up for grabs.” His gaze challenges Jared.
“And what is wrong with that?” Jared asks, his voice thick with emotion but he doesn’t give a damn anymore.
“This is not only a gift, Jared, this is a responsibility. This is something Jensen gets, but you do not.”
“Yes, of course, the heartless bastard is your favorite,” Jared spits out the words. It hurts, hurts that Jensen takes his father’s side, that he chooses him over Jared. Jared’s next words are poisoned by broken heart and betrayal, “Maybe you should give it a thought. That close person to me you’ve mentioned. Doesn’t the profile fit Jensen?”
Gerald gives him an unpleasant look, mouth twitching as if his tea turned distasteful, “Don’t be daft, Jared. He’d kill himself first than let something bad happen to you.”
He throws the words at Jared, and a twenty on the table before forcing his way out of the booth.
Two days after the meeting with his father, Jared passes Jensen’s apartment in the morning, noticing that there is no sound coming from inside. When he returns from work he strains his ears, stopping behind Jensen’s door, but he is welcomed by the same suspicious silence.
The next day, it repeats.
Jared’s heart flips, and he’s calling their landlord, ignoring the healthy advice of his brain to put the phone down and stop worrying about the guy who fucked him in every way possible.
“Hello, sir. It’s Jared Padalecki from 304.” His landlord asks something insignificant, and Jared answers with a few yes’s put into the right places. “Excuse me, but did Jensen Ackles move out or something?”
His landlord explains that Jensen has warned him of having to leave for a few days for a trip, but he’ll be coming back, then, he pauses and continues with a worry in his voice, “Why are you asking me this, Jared? Aren’t you his best friend?”
Jared immediately gets irritated and ends the call, not caring about the rules of decorum.
That night, the nightmare of a dark figure comes back, and Jared gasps in his sleep, fingers digging into the pillow, since Jensen is not there to whisper soothing words to his sleepy form.
Jared anticipated that he’ll breathe easier now that Jensen is nowhere in sight, but the opposite happens.
When the feeling of Jensen’s constant presence disappears, Jared gets frustrated, blindly glancing back every time, looking for Jensen, his thoughts circling around one name while he can’t keep himself from worrying all the time.
On Friday night, Jensen is still absent, and Jared dreads his first weekend alone, feeling stupid and small. Jared invites Megan to spend a weekend at his place.
Megan doesn’t ask the questions. She feels something is wrong without him opening his mouth, and Jared has never been so grateful to her.
Jared hasn’t laughed so hard in a long time. Every time he stops, Megan comes up with another silly comment, and Jared cracks up, laughing like crazy and bending in half.
He wipes tears from his eyes, sighing heavily, but then she starts singing “Jared, he is your man; he will crush you with a hug. And look at his hair, he can easily be your Jenny from the block”, and Jared starts tickling her while laughing, “stop, you evil sister! Stop, it’s not even funny”.
She raises her hands in surrender, and he lets her go, tousling her hair until she scolds at him.
They breathe in silence, and Jared feels content, lips stretching in a grin. He doesn’t need to think about the things that shouldn’t concern him. He’s okay.
“You know, it’s okay to miss him.” Megan says, squeezing his hand, and Jared freezes, fake smile slipping away, and he is suddenly so painstakingly aware of his surroundings, his heart beating like it’s gonna break his chest, and he’s so not okay with all of this.
If Jensen was dead, it’d be okay to miss him.
The though vanishes as fast as it occurred, and Jared wants to throw up because just the thought of Jensen not being alive leaves him on the edge of a meltdown.
And he doesn’t understand how you can love and hate someone in equal measure, with the same blind passion.
He chokes on his feelings, throat dry and sore.
“I’m gonna get a glass of water,” he explains to Megan in a cracked voice, not looking her way, awkwardly shuffling off the couch and into the kitchen.
He stands there, breath coming in ragged bursts, and he just doesn’t know why, after he crushed and burned inside, the pain is still there.
On Monday, Jared comes home late, exhausted from work, from guilt over the virus victims and constant unnecessary worrying over Jensen. He gives up and doesn’t bother to stop himself from going into Jensen’s apartment, tightly holding a key in his hand.
Jensen’s apartment looks abandoned and cold, and Jared spends a moment leaning his forehead against the fridge, trying to cool down his head in attempt to make his headache vanish. He reads old post-it notes, upset with how their lives made a 180 degree turn and wondering why Jensen didn’t care to throw the notes away.
Jared enters the bedroom, leaning against the wall and looking down at the bed, craving to crawl under the covers to inhale Jensen’s smell, desperate to get his hands on every little thing Jensen is.
But he’s afraid he won’t manage to force himself to leave Jensen’s bed if he catches the smell of him on his sheets.
When Jared steps into his own apartment, it’s already dark, and he plans to turn the lights on - hand reaching for the light switch - when a dark figure steps into his line of vision.
Jared feels like he is stepping into his own nightmare and he blindly jerks his head, hoping to wake up.
“You do like to make a guy wait for you, Jared.” Zach’s voice has not changed but there’s steel to his voice that wasn’t there before.
“Not that you aren’t worth it,” Zach continues, stepping into spot by the window, lightened by the moon from outside, coming closer to brush his knuckles over Jared’s wrist.
Jared freezes. It’s too much. This is worse than his nightmares. Compared to realizing who the killer is, an unknown figure seems safer.
“Why, Zach? Why you?” Jared says quietly. He loses his ground, every thing in his life is cheating and false and he is barely holding himself together.
“You are the one who brought me back to life. You’re my creator. You should know why this is happening.” Zach leans to brush his cheek against Jared’s, closing his eyes and inhaling Jared’s scent. “I missed you.”
“Still,” Jared pulls away lightly, nails digging into the palms, “Please, enlighten me.”
Zach smiles at him softly and continues, “We were made for each other. You stepped beyond life’s constraints to pull me up. We’re special.”
Zach sighs, and Jared swallows thickly, closing his eyes for a brief moment in attempt to hide his pained expression.
“But, we broke apart.” Zach continues sadly and then, rushes into another explanation. “I understand you need some time to gather your thoughts. When it comes to us, we can never be apart whatsoever.” Zach grins at him confidently and Jared’s heart clenches. “But then, you were forced to wake up and save some strangers’ lives like-, like we were some cheap imitation.”
His voice gets angrier as he looks away, hatred in his eyes, “Those people decided they have a right to take my place, to lessen our love.”
Jared shakes his head in disbelief, “Zach, Zach, what I do is a part of me. I can’t switch it off. Those people were not responsible for it. If you wanted to blame someone, it should have been me.” It earns him Zach’s frowned gaze.
“You killed those people, do you understand?” Jared whispers desperately, balancing on the verge of panic.
“They were dead anyway.” Zach shrugs his shoulders indifferently, “Why do you spend time caring about them is beyond my comprehension.”
Jared can’t believe it. Jensen’s voice in his ears ‘You don’t know what happen to people who are back from the grave. They might have changed,’ is mocking him.
“You’ve changed,” Jared says, horror in his eyes, “Did I change you?”
“I don’t know,” Zach grins at him happily, non-caringly, and steps to nuzzle under Jared’s chin, “You tell me.”
Jared closes his eyes, he feels ill, a wave of nausea hits him, and he fights for control over his body.
Zach’s hand tugs on the belt loops of Jared’s jeans, “Let’s go to bed, Jared. I missed you. Want you to fuck me.”
“Now that’s a true romance! Frankenstein is in love with his creator. The audience stands up and applauds.”
Jensen’s dry voice somehow makes Jared feel even sicker.
“Of course! You!” Zach exclaims and let’s go of Jared to face Jensen.
“I knew the bug in your apartment would be useful,” Jensen states thoughtfully, ignoring Zach, and Jared pushes down a hysterical laugh.
“I’ve been putting off meeting you for too long. As I see it, you anticipated it as well. I’m flattered.” Zach claps his palm against his chest mockingly.
“How about you shut up and die. Please, be so kind.” Jensen says boringly.
“How rude,” Zach turns to Jared, smiling. “How about-,” He pulls out a gun and points at Jensen. “You go first.”
Jared glances at Jensen and lets out a shaky sigh. Somehow, he feels beat, too tired to give a damn.
Jensen grins at him, and this is stupid, but even if Jared doesn’t care about what will happen to him, he’d still do anything to not let this cheating freckled bastard get hurt.
Zach watches their interaction with a troubled face.
“I don’t understand what you’ve found in that guy, Jared. Even as a poor substitution of me, he still fails miserably.” The gun in Zach’s hand deliberately follows every shift of Jensen while he talks to Jared.
“Can you put the gun down, Zach?” it sounds absurd even to Jared’s own ears, but it’s the last reasonable solution before they start to act even more stupid.
Zach laughs in delight, “No, love. Why would I? ”
“You won’t shoot me, right?” Jared stands between the gun and Jensen, and Jensen’s stern “Jared” has no effect on him. Jared is the one responsible for all this mess after all.
“Don’t! What are you doing, love?” Zach is baffled, his hand starting to tremble slightly.
Jared takes another step.
“It happens that I can’t let you shoot him even I’d love to do it myself,” Jared says and throws his hand, knocking the gun out of Zach’s grasp. It flies to land on the sill of open window, and all three of them bolt forward, in unison, reaching for the gun.
After, it is just the footage of well edited scenes in front of Jared’s eyes.
One. Zach is the one to get the gun.
Two. Jensen tries to swipe it away, pushing him forward.
Three. Both of them fall out of the window.
Jared comes to his senses when he sees Jensen hanging onto the window sill. Jared hangs out of the window and grabs for Jensen, his fingers wrapping tightly around Jensen’s wrist. Jensen’s hands begin to slip, and Jensen is not in his right mind as he doesn’t try to help himself.
“Don’t do this, Jared.” Jensen sounds pissed. “Let me go! This is my day. This is how I’m supposed to die. This is how it should be in accordance with the natural order!” He tries to free his hands, and Jared clutches tighter, horrified and out of his mind.
“Fuck you, Jensen!” Jared yells.
“It’s against everything I believe in. If you save me, don’t think I will come back to you.” Jensen screams.
Jared flinches and then, he grits his teeth, “Well, gee, let me think about it then.”
Jensen lets his guard down, frowning, and easing down for a moment. Jared uses the chance to throw his other hand out and pull Jensen up.
Jensen is alive. Jensen in standing on the floor in Jared’s living room, and Jared is the one shaking like a leaf.
Jared looks at Jensen with unreadable stare, breathing heavily.
Next moment, Jared punches Jensen in the jaw, hard.
Jensen stumbles, raising an uncomprehending gaze to look at Jared, and Jared hits him one more time, splitting his lips.
Jensen lands on his ass, blinking up at Jared, licking blood from his lips.
Jared hovers over him, fuming and unrelenting, “Well, I suppose being hurt makes you feel better, asshole. You can commit suicide for all I care now.” Jared bends down to hiss the words to Jensen’s face. “See how your law of nature takes it.”
Jared walks off, leaving Jensen to take care of the mess, exhausted and fed up with everything.
Jared spends night at Chad’s place, tossing in bed, trying to forget the events of the last few days.
He wonders if he was the reason for all those deaths, if he is the one to blame, if he shouldn’t have saved them. What if Zach was just a victim of Jared’s failed attempt of saving lives?
Jared doesn’t understand what he should have been doing. He doesn’t know anymore.
Maybe Jensen is right. Maybe Jared is just a fuck-up who messes everything up and is not worthy of a thing.
But Jensen is still a heartless bastard who betrayed and broke him and Jared is still in love with him.
He wishes he wasn’t. Because the only thing he still clings to in his life is the guy with green eyes, who makes Jared feel like he is the only thing Jared needs.
When Jared comes back home, there is no sign of his nightmare, and Jensen is out of sight.
Jared rolls into his bed, pulls the blanket over his head and falls asleep.
Part Six