Take a step back, cos it can all go horribly wrong.
While I sit here and feel sorry for myself, I can’t help but wonder what actually went wrong. No doubt I brought this on myself, combination of doing too much and being sick. Work is just plain stressful at the moment, I’ve upset many of my friends and the dynamics at home have changed just enough to make me consider moving out.
Am I making it worse trying to apologise? Maybe now isn’t the right time. Maybe I’m just so caught up that I’m not getting it out properly and making it worse. Text messages can be taken in so many different ways. Loose an exclamation mark or a smiley face and it changes the meaning entirely. Read the message while in a bad mood can convince you they are attacking you, read it in a good light and you’d understand and feel relieved. Maybe I should just find another group of friends and leave them in peace. For awhile anyway.. I don’t think I could stand being away from them for too long.
Maybe that’s best. Maybe I am just a total arsehole. Maybe I’m too tired to think straight. So many maybes. I just don’t know what to do!!
Today at lunch I felt ok for the first time in about a week. I was almost happy, just putting up with whatever work threw at me and coping alright. I’d sent a message at morning tea hoping that it would finally resolve the problems my tiredness had caused last Friday. I’ve dodged it until this morning, where I felt it was time to get it over and done with.
It backfired. Maybe it’s not me. Maybe some people can’t handle the truth about themselves. Maybe they are under the same pressure and tiredness that I’ve been under these past 6 weeks.
But I didn’t know that. Should I have expected that? By that I mean be more careful around someone who has been a total jerk and expected, and received no punishment or response.. I knew that there was something not quite right going on with her. I didn’t know what, nor how serious, but I knew. I let my guard slip up once, and I didn’t try to make it better there and then, and before I knew it, it was a huge deal.
If this is what work, stress and tiredness does to me, then god help me when I’m really working and raising a family. I don’t like me like this. Not one bit. I’m sorry for all the trauma caused, the stupidity by myself is just painful. I promise I’ll try to make this better. It’s no fun now. I’m sorry.
Am I making it worse trying to apologise? Maybe now isn’t the right time. Maybe I’m just so caught up that I’m not getting it out properly and making it worse. Text messages can be taken in so many different ways. Loose an exclamation mark or a smiley face and it changes the meaning entirely. Read the message while in a bad mood can convince you they are attacking you, read it in a good light and you’d understand and feel relieved. Maybe I should just find another group of friends and leave them in peace. For awhile anyway.. I don’t think I could stand being away from them for too long.
Maybe that’s best. Maybe I am just a total arsehole. Maybe I’m too tired to think straight. So many maybes. I just don’t know what to do!!
Today at lunch I felt ok for the first time in about a week. I was almost happy, just putting up with whatever work threw at me and coping alright. I’d sent a message at morning tea hoping that it would finally resolve the problems my tiredness had caused last Friday. I’ve dodged it until this morning, where I felt it was time to get it over and done with.
It backfired. Maybe it’s not me. Maybe some people can’t handle the truth about themselves. Maybe they are under the same pressure and tiredness that I’ve been under these past 6 weeks.
But I didn’t know that. Should I have expected that? By that I mean be more careful around someone who has been a total jerk and expected, and received no punishment or response.. I knew that there was something not quite right going on with her. I didn’t know what, nor how serious, but I knew. I let my guard slip up once, and I didn’t try to make it better there and then, and before I knew it, it was a huge deal.
If this is what work, stress and tiredness does to me, then god help me when I’m really working and raising a family. I don’t like me like this. Not one bit. I’m sorry for all the trauma caused, the stupidity by myself is just painful. I promise I’ll try to make this better. It’s no fun now. I’m sorry.