To All The Girls I've Loved Before.
They argued about Riley.
Not that John thought of it as arguing at the time. Arguing was what happened between two people with opinions, not one person with an opinion and a machine with a directive.
Allison: You have a new friend?
John: Her name is Riley. And you probably creeped her out. You talk to people, don't stand so close.
Allison: I was assessing her threat level.
John: Well? Am I safe?
Allison: I don't know. Girls are complicated.
Riley was...odd. Troubled. But John liked her. He could talk to her and he didn't feel pressured to be anything. Anyone. Just John, that was fine for Riley. It was an escapism, a way of thumbing his nose at his mother and Allison while at the same time putting Riley at risk. Even though he didn't think of it that way until it was too late.
They spent a lot of time together. John got more adamant about being allowed to spend time with her, Allison became more worried about the risk and Sarah warned him away but John felt old enough to make his own decisions and take his own risks. Even when they involved someone else.
John: I bought her a helmet.
Sarah: Responsible. You think it will stop a bullet?
John: Why, are you going to take a shot at her?
Sarah: A lot'a bullets fly around here, someone will.
Sarah: You care about this girl?
John: Yeah.
Sarah: Then leave her alone.
It was an abortive attempt at being his own person. Using another person as the method and the means of escaping his life instead of breaking out on his own. Not that he thought of it that way at the time. All the realizations weren't until much, much later, when John had nothing else to do but reevaluate all the choices he'd made over the last four years.
Riley's home life got stranger. John tried to make her fit into his without actually telling her anything that was going on. It got more and more complicated; people broke into their houses and Riley was at fault (she had opened a window or forgotten to set the alarm, something or another - John was never completely certain).
John: Who was it?
Allison: They won't be back.
Sarah: Place looks good.
John: Yeah, well, I think we pretty much got everything back to how it was.
Sarah: We?
John: Riley helped. So, how'd you find them? Was it Derek's fence, or what?
Sarah: You can't bring people here anymore, John.
John: What? She had nothing to do with this.
Sarah: No, you did. She just made it worse.
Allison: She's a security risk.
John: (Stares at Allison) Really? She's never tried to kill me. (Stares at Sarah) And you know this has nothing to do with Riley, or the rules, or the security of this house. You're pissed off because I found someone I actually like spending time with, and it's not you.
Sarah: You think I don't want you to have a normal life?
John: No, I don't.
They would go out, do 'normal' things, but it was never normal. Not really. There was always Allison in the corners, trying to make sure that nothing happened to John, and Riley began freaking out, saying things that didn't make any sense, coming to see him with bruises and scars that she refused to explain.
Allison: She's lying.
John: About what?
Allison: I don't know, but her pulse was elevated and her hand was perspiring. She's lying.
John: Yeah, her pulse was elevated because you were freaking her out, as usual.
Allison: What happened to her face?
John: I don't know. She didn't say.
Allison: I can get her to tell me the truth.
John: Stay away from her.
John saw it coming. There was only so much lying he could do to himself, really, and something were just too familiar. Conversations about the future, things that John never told her but she still knew somehow. Riley was more and more unhappy and seemed closer to the edge of...something.
And John didn't stop her. Wasn't able to save her. He wanted...to win, to be normal, to prove something to all of them, only he wasn't able to prove anything and Riley was dead. She cut her wrists in their bathroom and he couldn't save her. She lost her mind and he couldn't save her.
John: Was it you? Did you kill her?
Allison: What if I did?
John: Don't play games with me. I need the truth.
Allison: I didn't kill her.
John: I want to believe you.
Allison: Believe me.
John: Sometimes you lie to me.
Allison: Yes. I do, but I'm not lying now. I am sorry.
John: You're sorry? For what?
Allison: For your loss.
John: I really wish I could believe that too.
It didn't occur to him until much later, until the apartment in the Narrows, before he and Allison found each other, that Riley had probably been brainwashed too. That Allison had been hurt by his accusations. That he wouldn't put it past Sarah to try and force the girl away from him in the worst way.
Everything that happened to Riley, from the moment he met her, was his fault. For being stubborn, for being selfish, for not being strong enough to just go, leave, get away from Sarah (and take Allison with him).
Riley's suicide was John's fault.
Not that John thought of it as arguing at the time. Arguing was what happened between two people with opinions, not one person with an opinion and a machine with a directive.
Allison: You have a new friend?
John: Her name is Riley. And you probably creeped her out. You talk to people, don't stand so close.
Allison: I was assessing her threat level.
John: Well? Am I safe?
Allison: I don't know. Girls are complicated.
Riley was...odd. Troubled. But John liked her. He could talk to her and he didn't feel pressured to be anything. Anyone. Just John, that was fine for Riley. It was an escapism, a way of thumbing his nose at his mother and Allison while at the same time putting Riley at risk. Even though he didn't think of it that way until it was too late.
They spent a lot of time together. John got more adamant about being allowed to spend time with her, Allison became more worried about the risk and Sarah warned him away but John felt old enough to make his own decisions and take his own risks. Even when they involved someone else.
John: I bought her a helmet.
Sarah: Responsible. You think it will stop a bullet?
John: Why, are you going to take a shot at her?
Sarah: A lot'a bullets fly around here, someone will.
Sarah: You care about this girl?
John: Yeah.
Sarah: Then leave her alone.
It was an abortive attempt at being his own person. Using another person as the method and the means of escaping his life instead of breaking out on his own. Not that he thought of it that way at the time. All the realizations weren't until much, much later, when John had nothing else to do but reevaluate all the choices he'd made over the last four years.
Riley's home life got stranger. John tried to make her fit into his without actually telling her anything that was going on. It got more and more complicated; people broke into their houses and Riley was at fault (she had opened a window or forgotten to set the alarm, something or another - John was never completely certain).
John: Who was it?
Allison: They won't be back.
Sarah: Place looks good.
John: Yeah, well, I think we pretty much got everything back to how it was.
Sarah: We?
John: Riley helped. So, how'd you find them? Was it Derek's fence, or what?
Sarah: You can't bring people here anymore, John.
John: What? She had nothing to do with this.
Sarah: No, you did. She just made it worse.
Allison: She's a security risk.
John: (Stares at Allison) Really? She's never tried to kill me. (Stares at Sarah) And you know this has nothing to do with Riley, or the rules, or the security of this house. You're pissed off because I found someone I actually like spending time with, and it's not you.
Sarah: You think I don't want you to have a normal life?
John: No, I don't.
They would go out, do 'normal' things, but it was never normal. Not really. There was always Allison in the corners, trying to make sure that nothing happened to John, and Riley began freaking out, saying things that didn't make any sense, coming to see him with bruises and scars that she refused to explain.
Allison: She's lying.
John: About what?
Allison: I don't know, but her pulse was elevated and her hand was perspiring. She's lying.
John: Yeah, her pulse was elevated because you were freaking her out, as usual.
Allison: What happened to her face?
John: I don't know. She didn't say.
Allison: I can get her to tell me the truth.
John: Stay away from her.
John saw it coming. There was only so much lying he could do to himself, really, and something were just too familiar. Conversations about the future, things that John never told her but she still knew somehow. Riley was more and more unhappy and seemed closer to the edge of...something.
And John didn't stop her. Wasn't able to save her. He wanted...to win, to be normal, to prove something to all of them, only he wasn't able to prove anything and Riley was dead. She cut her wrists in their bathroom and he couldn't save her. She lost her mind and he couldn't save her.
John: Was it you? Did you kill her?
Allison: What if I did?
John: Don't play games with me. I need the truth.
Allison: I didn't kill her.
John: I want to believe you.
Allison: Believe me.
John: Sometimes you lie to me.
Allison: Yes. I do, but I'm not lying now. I am sorry.
John: You're sorry? For what?
Allison: For your loss.
John: I really wish I could believe that too.
It didn't occur to him until much later, until the apartment in the Narrows, before he and Allison found each other, that Riley had probably been brainwashed too. That Allison had been hurt by his accusations. That he wouldn't put it past Sarah to try and force the girl away from him in the worst way.
Everything that happened to Riley, from the moment he met her, was his fault. For being stubborn, for being selfish, for not being strong enough to just go, leave, get away from Sarah (and take Allison with him).
Riley's suicide was John's fault.