Rum is bad
I feel foolish for feeling this way, but, for once, I'd like to be someone's first choice: not fun, not the person to be taken advantage of, not second choice, not drunken choice, but someone's first choice. It sounds ridiculous because she's probably my best friend, and I love her; and I know that anything more would be a bad idea, but I almost wish that nothing at all had happened because I feel like I'm that second choice or third or fourth choice all over again. I'm never the first choice of friend, girlfriend (which has never happened), or anything. I really just want someone to want me and not wish that they had someone else or be thinking that I could be better in some way. With all of these friends I'm still so lonely because I know that they can easily say that someone else is their best friend, and none of them will say that about me. They always go out and do things together, and I'm always invited last if I'm invited at all. As for a dating relationship, I've discovered that I'm great for tipsy, drunken fun after a dry spell, but I'm not what anyone wants permanently. It really is stupid to feel this way. She and I both treasure our friendship so much that we don't want to lose it, but it's just another person saying that I'm second best at most but probably less than that. It feels like I'm never enough; and I try and try, but I'm never what anyone wants. I wish I could be.