My Konstantine.
So lately I have not had very good luck at all! Well, I wouldnt really call it lack of good luck only. Granted, things just arnt going my way, but I have been maing some dumb mistakes. But a lot of the stuff is out of my control. I dont think there is one person who actually knows everything in my life, part of me wants to keep it that way. Part of me just want to sit here and write out everything in my life thats going on. But i cant, and I wont. I really dont want to be the kid who complains all the time. so Im tyring not to because I realize that things could be a lot worse for me, but whatever. This is my journal, I need to vent, live with it.
I just find it weird that only a few months ago I viewed my life as perfect. I had everything I could have ever dreamed of wanting. It was summer, I had no school, and no need for a job. I had the enrichment program and those amazing kids. Everyone in my family was well and healthy. I didnt hate anyone and wasnt in fights with anyone. I saw most of my friends( a few friends over the summer were super busy or in another country or state), I had new friends in my life that made me happier then anything, I hung out with them almost everyday, and i had so so so much fun like everyday! and I had someone in my life, who wakeing up I could count on them to be there for me, to care about me no matter what. I felt good, I mean i was in the best shape id been in for a while, and i was just really really happy. And to think that everything has just gone so downhill from there.
Part of me wants to crawl up in a ball and just cry about all the problems I have, and part of me wants to just forget them and move on with my life and pretend that they arnt there. Because, it honestly is much easier to just forget everything and go through your day not talking to anyone and just keeping to yourself. Yes, its easier but it isnt me. And in the long run thats really who I want to be. I just want to get back to feeling like me everyday. Every morning I wake and I just feel like somethings missing and I dont know what it is.
I am so lucky to have all the people in my life that I do. I have friends, and I have family, and I am fortunate enough to not have had to expirence the death of someone very close to me. I can name many friends who I know would be there for me if I needed them. I can honestly say that I have more loyal friends then I thougt I did. And that makes me really happy. And still though all of this, I can say this is one of the times in my life I have felt most alone. Like everything is now left up to me to make things better for myself. But honestly, I dont know if I really can. I dont think I even care enough to do so. That would mean letting go of things, moving on with thing, gaining motivation and confidence, and then there are many things I know I'll never be able to fix.
I really do wish I could just sit down and tell someone about everything going on in my life right now. The people that think they know everything...yeah they dont. There is just so so much more going on. The few people that I do trust enough to talk to, I just dont have the energy or the strength to tell them everything. And then the one person I wish I could talk to I cant. I cant because I know they have bigger and better things to do. I think theyd rather move on with their life then to maintain ties with me. I wish I could just break down and cry, and have a great big hug, and just feel all better. I try my best not to cry in front of people. I cry a lot at home, but I will not in front of people, because I know if I start, I wont stop.
I want to feel that reassurance that Im loved again. I want something to count on again. And god knows that I have it in so many places, but I cant bring myself to accept the other ways of dependency into my life. I just cant do it and Im trying so much. I want that security system back, and I want my best friend, and I want that something back that I can lean on. And now Im just rambaling(sp?). I think everything just happend way to fast for me. And Im mad about it! Im actually mad about the way things happend, the things going on in my life, im fucking mad! Im mad I was lied to, and Im mad that I feel so betrayed, and Im mad that things are going on and that they are out of my control. and Im mad my friends lifes are so scrwed up and im complaning about everything, Im mad that I make dumb decisions and Im just pissed!!!!! and Im just so sorry that i fucked eveyrhting up its all my fault but it isnt..but most of it is....!!!!!!!!!!!
Honestly I dont even know where any of this is coming from. Im sorry if Iv said things I shouldnt, and Im sorry, and Im sorry that Im just so pathetic that Im feeling these things. I really shouldnt even be thinking everything I am, and I should just play the hand I am dealt and live with it and suck it up. None of this will matter to me in a few years (well no, some of it will) but the point is AHHHHH FUCK! whatever. Im done goodbye. Im sorry if I offended anyone. whatever.
I dont do the things i love anymore. I dont sing much, nor play the piano and I compleatly stopped careing about guitar. I dont write in my diary, and i barley exercise. I just dont give a crap anymore. There are even songs i cant listen do because I'll start crying. I cant even listen to my 3 favorte songs because they made me cry. However, BUt through all this, i have found myself understanding and relating to music a lot more.
I like this song, I understand it, and the lyric are beautiful.
Read it.
Understand it.
love it.
Once upon a dream
When it's all began,
We knew there'd be a price...
Once upon a dream,
I was lost in love's embrace.
There I found a perfect place,
Once upon a dream.
Once there was a time,
Like no other time before,
Hope was still an open door,
Once upon a dream.
And I was unafraid,
The dream was so exciting!
But now I see it fade...
And I am here alone!
Once upon a dream,
You were heaven-sent to me,
Was it never meant to be?
Was it just a dream?
Could we begin again!...
Once upon a dream.
I like that song. Its pretty.
I just find it weird that only a few months ago I viewed my life as perfect. I had everything I could have ever dreamed of wanting. It was summer, I had no school, and no need for a job. I had the enrichment program and those amazing kids. Everyone in my family was well and healthy. I didnt hate anyone and wasnt in fights with anyone. I saw most of my friends( a few friends over the summer were super busy or in another country or state), I had new friends in my life that made me happier then anything, I hung out with them almost everyday, and i had so so so much fun like everyday! and I had someone in my life, who wakeing up I could count on them to be there for me, to care about me no matter what. I felt good, I mean i was in the best shape id been in for a while, and i was just really really happy. And to think that everything has just gone so downhill from there.
Part of me wants to crawl up in a ball and just cry about all the problems I have, and part of me wants to just forget them and move on with my life and pretend that they arnt there. Because, it honestly is much easier to just forget everything and go through your day not talking to anyone and just keeping to yourself. Yes, its easier but it isnt me. And in the long run thats really who I want to be. I just want to get back to feeling like me everyday. Every morning I wake and I just feel like somethings missing and I dont know what it is.
I am so lucky to have all the people in my life that I do. I have friends, and I have family, and I am fortunate enough to not have had to expirence the death of someone very close to me. I can name many friends who I know would be there for me if I needed them. I can honestly say that I have more loyal friends then I thougt I did. And that makes me really happy. And still though all of this, I can say this is one of the times in my life I have felt most alone. Like everything is now left up to me to make things better for myself. But honestly, I dont know if I really can. I dont think I even care enough to do so. That would mean letting go of things, moving on with thing, gaining motivation and confidence, and then there are many things I know I'll never be able to fix.
I really do wish I could just sit down and tell someone about everything going on in my life right now. The people that think they know everything...yeah they dont. There is just so so much more going on. The few people that I do trust enough to talk to, I just dont have the energy or the strength to tell them everything. And then the one person I wish I could talk to I cant. I cant because I know they have bigger and better things to do. I think theyd rather move on with their life then to maintain ties with me. I wish I could just break down and cry, and have a great big hug, and just feel all better. I try my best not to cry in front of people. I cry a lot at home, but I will not in front of people, because I know if I start, I wont stop.
I want to feel that reassurance that Im loved again. I want something to count on again. And god knows that I have it in so many places, but I cant bring myself to accept the other ways of dependency into my life. I just cant do it and Im trying so much. I want that security system back, and I want my best friend, and I want that something back that I can lean on. And now Im just rambaling(sp?). I think everything just happend way to fast for me. And Im mad about it! Im actually mad about the way things happend, the things going on in my life, im fucking mad! Im mad I was lied to, and Im mad that I feel so betrayed, and Im mad that things are going on and that they are out of my control. and Im mad my friends lifes are so scrwed up and im complaning about everything, Im mad that I make dumb decisions and Im just pissed!!!!! and Im just so sorry that i fucked eveyrhting up its all my fault but it isnt..but most of it is....!!!!!!!!!!!
Honestly I dont even know where any of this is coming from. Im sorry if Iv said things I shouldnt, and Im sorry, and Im sorry that Im just so pathetic that Im feeling these things. I really shouldnt even be thinking everything I am, and I should just play the hand I am dealt and live with it and suck it up. None of this will matter to me in a few years (well no, some of it will) but the point is AHHHHH FUCK! whatever. Im done goodbye. Im sorry if I offended anyone. whatever.
I dont do the things i love anymore. I dont sing much, nor play the piano and I compleatly stopped careing about guitar. I dont write in my diary, and i barley exercise. I just dont give a crap anymore. There are even songs i cant listen do because I'll start crying. I cant even listen to my 3 favorte songs because they made me cry. However, BUt through all this, i have found myself understanding and relating to music a lot more.
I like this song, I understand it, and the lyric are beautiful.
Read it.
Understand it.
love it.
Once upon a dream
When it's all began,
We knew there'd be a price...
Once upon a dream,
I was lost in love's embrace.
There I found a perfect place,
Once upon a dream.
Once there was a time,
Like no other time before,
Hope was still an open door,
Once upon a dream.
And I was unafraid,
The dream was so exciting!
But now I see it fade...
And I am here alone!
Once upon a dream,
You were heaven-sent to me,
Was it never meant to be?
Was it just a dream?
Could we begin again!...
Once upon a dream.
I like that song. Its pretty.