"Betrayed" by Pinkowitch
Title: Betrayed
Author: pinkowitch
Rating: Teen
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Characters and Pairings: Alice/Jasper, implied Jasper/Maria (non-con)
Spoilers: Eclipse
Word Count: 5259
Prompt: Secrets
Summary: Jaspers darkest secrets are revealed.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I just play with them. :)
Author’s Notes: I STRONGLY recommend that you read Shamed and through Chapter 6 of Hope and History in order for this to make sense. Chapters 1-5 and the edited version of Chapter 6 are available on FF.net. For the mature version of Chapter 6, message me.
This story, and indeed all of my writing, would have been impossible without the constant support of my dear friend and beta, sirenprincess. I couldn't have done it without you.
The rain drizzled tirelessly outside Jasper's bedroom window, a gentle sound brushing through the tall pines that surrounded the Cullen's secluded home. Jasper reclined lazily in the bed he shared with Alice, spending the peaceful evening with a book that rested against his raised knees. Alice had left several hours earlier, and while Jasper acutely felt her absence and pined for her return, he was slowly becoming comfortable enough with the Cullens that he could almost enjoy an evening with just the quiet solace of his books. Almost. Learning to trust again had been a painfully difficult journey for him. Maria and the dark years that followed her had robbed him of his innocent confidence in the world and in others. While Alice's love had helped him to heal to an extent, he had remained cautious and distant, even with his new family. But he had tried, mainly for Alice. He had made some progress, enough that tonight he could allow himself to relax, even though Alice was not here to reassure him. It was, at least, a start.
Jasper sighed, hesitating a moment in his reading. Who would have thought, in those dark days before he met Alice, that he would ever find comfort so close? A family...peace...love...acceptance, all within his reach. Sometimes he expected to awaken again from this dream into the hell that still lurked in every shadow. The demons were so close, close enough that he imagined their icy fingers reaching for him, ready to pull him back, to tear him away from this almost idyllic existence and back to the hell where his loathsome soul surely belonged. They waited for him, anticipating the moment when this dream would surely end, for the moment that Jasper most feared and yet knew without a doubt would someday come. There were, of course, demons of which he had not even told Alice. Evil, shameful things that had happened in the decades with Maria...things that were not for the ears of a lady. It was these memories that left him trembling in the darkest pre-dawn hours, that left him shaken when morning finally came. Sometimes, as he lay in bed with Alice, content and basking in his love for her, he had considered confiding in her, but he could never find the strength. If she knew his shame, his humiliation; she would surely pity him. She would surely think less of him. And that he could not bear. It was torture enough to him that Edward most certainly knew. They had never spoken of it, but the memories had flashed through Jasper's mind frequently enough that Edward could not have missed them. Jasper, in his shame, had never been able to meet his brother's eyes, petrified of finding pity there. To see such a thing in the eyes of his beloved Alice would irrevocably destroy him. There would be no coming back from that; it would leave him forever in the demons' icy clutches.
Jasper shook his head to dispel the darkness. Even in a peaceful setting such as this, he could not escape it forever, but he refused to succumb to it tonight. He glanced at the clock, wondering for a moment when Alice would return from her shopping trip with Esme. Somehow, when she was here, it was easier to keep the darkness at bay. Forcing himself to return to his book, he tried again to lose himself in the words, searching for the peace he could often find in the history books that Alice simply could not understand his fascination with.
His attention was suddenly and violently diverted by a war of emotions from downstairs. Anger...shame...fury...humiliation...fear...rage...poured from Rosalie so intensely that Jasper gasped, instantly erecting walls to protect himself from making the emotions his own. They were followed by Edward's no less intense feelings - anger...disgust...almost hatred. Jasper had never understood what had happened between Edward and Rosalie that had caused such antipathy on Edward's behalf, but he could hardly deny the emotions he felt.
He sat up, closing the book on his lap just as Rosalie's shrill scream hit him, and cringed as Edward's deeper, but no less angry, voice followed close behind. He closed his eyes, attempting to temporarily block the emotions and concentrate on the words in an attempt to discern what exactly the argument was about this time.
“She had every right to kill him, Edward, after what he did to her!” Rosalie cried, her voice higher pitched than usual. Her emotions were like a knife, piercing Jasper's heart. Could Edward truly not feel her pain?
“Murder is still a crime, Rosalie! It's still wrong, even if the person you kill hurt you!” Edward's words, while calmer, still had an edge. They were, Jasper supposed, arguing about whatever had transpired on the TV crime show that they had been watching so peacefully only moments before. And Jasper was quickly aware that whoever the character on this TV show had been, she was, to Rosalie, little more than a proxy.
“Rose, babe, it's just a show...” Emmett's gentle and comforting voice did little to ease Rosalie's emotions, which were quickly building into angry storm clouds.
“He didn't deserve to live!” Rosalie wailed, and Jasper felt the fear and horror surpass the anger in her words. She was descending into her memories. Jasper shuddered, pushing her emotions away from himself violently. He would not let them pull him into his own darkness. At the same time, he felt an acute stab of pity for Rosalie. He often did. There were things about him that she would never know, commonalities of which she would never be aware. They were his own personal humiliations, and he would not subject even Alice to that darkness. But Rosalie's lack of awareness in the miseries they shared did not lessen his sympathy for her. He did not understand how Edward could be so callous. Such coldness could only come from one who did not comprehend the horror and destructiveness that such experiences created.
The vulnerability...the shame...
Jasper shook his head sharply as Rosalie's all-too-familiar emotions began to overtake him and forced himself to concentrate once again on the conversation unfolding downstairs.
“That wasn't her choice to make!” Edward replied, his words soaked in frustration and righteous indignation. It was easy for one who had suffered relatively little - for Jasper admitted that all of their kind had suffered or they would not be what they were - to see the world in moral absolutes. Jasper had learned in his years that there was very little that could be labeled accurately in this way. Good and evil were simply words with little real meaning; reality existed in shades of grey moral ambiguity. But the spike in Rosalie's misery at Edward's words quickly drew Jasper away from his philosophical ponderings. Her emotions were breaching the walls of his defenses. It was taking some effort to keep them from influencing his own. She was near her breaking point; he could tell. And neither Emmett nor Carlisle had what it would take to calm this situation.
Only he had that.
Using his ability to calm arguments between Rosalie and Edward was something that Jasper did rather frequently. It made him feel useful for a moment, as if he were not the burden that he knew himself to be. It was something that he could give back to the Cullens, although it was a mere token in comparison to what they had given him. But one also had to be careful when dealing with Rosalie. She was...volatile, to say the least. Jasper understood her rage for what it was: a projection of her suffering, an acting out. But he had always feared, nonetheless, that his attempt would simply add fuel to her fire, and upset her more.
“You have no idea what it's like!” Rosalie nearly wept, her voice breaking.
Jasper stood, putting the book on his nightstand, and quickly made his way down the stairs. He could not bear the pain he felt in Rosalie. It was a destructive pain, depressingly familiar to Jasper, and he knew exactly where it would lead. She would be swallowed, sucked back to the past, into the depths of a darkness so deep that there was no escape. It engulfed you, smothered you...blotting out the present until she would be forever lost in the evil and pain of the past, reliving the worst, the most horrific, the most hellish moments, over and over, ad infinitum. Those who had never experienced this called these never ending moments of terror “flashbacks,” but to Jasper, the term seemed far too transient and benevolent for these moments when the demons won and devoured their prey. If, with his ability, he could save Rosalie from this, then it would be cruel to refuse.
He made his way down the stairs to the sounds of their argument, and when he reached them, he found them both standing. Rosalie's hands were clenched in fury, and Edward was glaring at her with poorly-disguised hatred. He had never been able to understand why Edward disliked Rosalie so intensely, but standing here observing them, the emotion was palpable. Edward hated her, despised what she stood for, and Jasper got the feeling that he would go to any length to win this argument. Watching Edward, Jasper suddenly understood that it was a proxy argument for Edward as well, and the real war - against what Edward saw as her vanity and egotism - was a worthy and noble cause in which any means would be justified by his victory. Jasper shuddered at the implications of how deep that could bury Rosalie in her sorrows, and he stepped between them.
“May I help?”
Rosalie spared him only a moment's glance before turning her fury-filled eyes back to Edward.
“You have no idea what it's like, Edward! None! How dare you judge her when you know NOTHING!”
“This isn't about her, is it, Rosalie? It's about you. It's always about you,” Edward returned, his voice deceptively calm, but with a cruel edge.
Jasper looked from Edward to Rosalie, wondering for a moment if his entrance had even been noticed. He considered calming them both a little, without their permission, just to keep this from escalating, but he hated doing it that way. It seemed...a violation.
“Edward, Rosalie,” he said softly, “Is it alright if - ?”
“One would think that you're the only one on Earth who has ever been raped!” Edward shouted, interrupting Jasper. “One would think that no one else in the world has ever been through that! Well, you're wrong! You're not even the only one in this house!” Edward's voice was rising in pitch, desperate to get in that final jab against Rosalie that would win his quixotic battle.
Not even the only one in this house.
The words reverberated through Jasper's entire being. His eyes flicked involuntarily to Edward, but Edward was looking at Rosalie. A jab of fear that had nothing to do with either of their emotions almost crippled him, but he fought it off.
He wouldn't. Edward wouldn't do that. He wouldn't betray such a confidence just to win an argument.
Of course, it had never been expressly said that it was a confidence. In fact, they had never spoken of it at all.
Jasper felt his hands clench and unclench as his well-tested defensive reflexes emerged.
He must mean something else. He must.
At that moment, the door crashed open, slamming into the wall with the fury of the push. Alice, her eyes wide in terror, burst through the door.
“Edward, NO!” she cried, but despite her volume, he did not seem to hear her.
Jasper had only a moment to look at her in confusion and worry before Edward's next words hit him.
“Jasper was raped by Maria for decades, and you don't see him justifying murder at every turn!”
Edward continued speaking, but his words were drowned out by the sudden ringing in Jasper's ears. He felt all strength leave his body. The world started spinning as his knees gave out on him. He reached behind him, finding the wall as he collapsed against it, sliding to the floor.
Nononononononononononono....
He heard Alice's voice, as if from a great distance, shouting angrily at Edward.
“How dare you betray his secret?!”
Alice was yelling at Edward. About his secret.
Oh god.
She knew.
From not breathing at all, Jasper began to hyperventilate. He forced himself to his feet, his eyes darting around the room like a trapped animal. He found Alice, who turned her eyes to him - oh god was that pity??? - and he turned away in horrified shame. He couldn't bear it. He couldn't stand it.
The world was collapsing. There was no place safe. He was going to lose everything...what would Alice think of him now? Would she look at him with pity? Disgust? What could a woman think of a man weak enough to let that happen to him? To be abused by a woman? How good of a protector could he be if he couldn't even protect himself from a woman?!? He would be forever shamed in her eyes. Forever lessened. What they had - the love, the respect - would be forever gone.
How...how could Edward betray him??? He turned to his brother with wide, searching, miserable eyes. He had trusted Edward. He had loved Edward...and Edward had betrayed him, not only to Rosalie, but to Alice. He had never told Alice before, for a reason. And now she knew. She knew his shame, his weakness. She knew just how worthless and loathsome he was. And now she would leave. Jasper felt a dead calm fill him. He had always known this moment would come. This day had always lurked just beyond his view. He felt hollow, empty, sad, and yet at the same time, he felt nothing. He realized that he was distancing himself from the pain, as he had with Maria. It had always worked, for a moment, until the pain became too great. As soon it would. When his heart realized that the dream was over. Yes, he had known this moment would come. It had been only a matter of time, ever since that day they had met in the diner when he had been given a moment more to live. He had always known it would never last. And yet that would not make the pain any less once Alice was gone.
She would leave, and he would be alone, only it would be so much worse than before...how could he survive without her after holding her in his arms? How could he ever be ready to say goodbye?
Alice's smiling face flashed before his eyes, memories of the happy times in the sixty years they had shared. Her smile, her laughter, her scent, her touch, the taste of her lips...she had overpowered and made love to all of his senses, and now they would all be bereft. Only yesterday he had watched her dance beneath the trees; her grace and beauty had pulled a rare smile from him. And now it would only be memories. Memories! Memories that would make his darkness that much darker in contrast. The pain broke through his defenses at his memories of her, crushing him, overwhelming him. It was as if he were burning from the inside out, his heart and soul turning to ash. He couldn't think. The pain was all there was. Tears that would never fall scorched his eyes, and his hands clawed at his face, causing no permanent damage, much to Jasper's misery. He needed to hurt. He needed to feel that pain. He needed the physical pain to release the mental anguish that was threatening to swallow him. He raised his arm to his mouth and bit down, crying out as his own venom marred his arm, adding itself to the pattern of scars already there. And still the pain did not lessen.
Jasper raised his hands to his face and let out a miserable, animalistic cry. He raced from the house, into the woods. He had to get away, away from all of them. He could not bear their pitying faces. He could not bear that they knew.
Deep in the woods, he collapsed to his knees again, sitting on the wet earth, hugging his knees and rocking a bit. He buried his face against his knees and began to sob tearlessly, his shoulders shaking nearly convulsively. The pain of betrayal, the humiliation, and the loss of respect in Alice's eyes all combined to create the most miserable moment Jasper had ever known.
And there was no going back from this.
After a few moments, he heard steps approaching and turned his face away from them. He could not look at her. It was unbearable. To see those eyes, which had once looked at him with such love and respect, look at him with pity...he could not see it or he would be destroyed forever. Irreparably.
He heard the footsteps stop very near him, but Alice said nothing.
What was there to say?
You misled me. You led me to think you were a good protector, a strong man, someone I could count on to protect me. But you're not. You're weak. You're loathsome.
However, the emotions he felt from her did not match the words in his mind. It was not anger or disgust, and although he was terrified to look for it, he did not feel pity either. Perhaps she had simply learned to hide her feelings over the years.
“Jasper,” she said finally, crouching down beside him, taking his injured arm and running her fingers over the new scar that glistened angrily on his forearm. “Oh, Jasper, why? Why did you hurt yourself like that?”
She lowered her lips to his self-inflicted wound, kissing it with infinite tenderness. Jasper trembled, but could not bring himself to speak. What was there to say? He had done it because if he had not, he would have exploded from the inside with shame and misery.
“Oh, Jazz...” Alice gathered him against her, her soft hands stroking his hair and his back, as she rocked with him in silence for a few moments. Jasper could not help but reciprocate, allowing her to comfort him like a child. He was weak. Even though he knew he could not bear her pity when it came, he could not resist her gentle comfort now. Even when he knew this would be the last time he would feel it, and it would only make the pain of her rejection that much greater. But he didn't have the strength to push her away.
“Oh, my brave, brave, love...” Alice said, her voice sounding almost teary.
Brave?
“Why did you never tell me? You were trying to protect me, weren't you?”
Jasper couldn't find words, but he nodded slightly. Yes, that had been the reason. Partially. He had also been trying to protect himself.
“Or did you think I would think poorly of you? Love you less?”
Jasper nodded against her again, starting to shake.
“Oh, Jasper...” she kissed the top of his head tenderly, holding him closer. She curled a strand of his golden-blond hair around her finger and kissed it, as well, before lowering her lips to his ear. “Nothing could ever make me love you less. You're my whole world.” She hesitated for a moment. “And I already suspected anyway.”
Jasper pulled away and looked at her in shock. “W-what??” he stammered.
Alice raised a gentle hand to his face.
“We've been married over sixty years, love. One notices things. I didn't miss how frightened you were our first night together or how important it was to you when I listened when you said no. After time, things added up, and I suspected. And it made me love you more, to know how much you'd been through, how much you'd suffered, and yet how wonderful and loving you still are. To be through everything you've been through, and to still be so full of love...for everything inside you not to have shriveled into hate...that takes such a strong and wonderful heart...”
Alice lowered her hand to his chest, covering his still heart. Her next words were choked with emotion.
“I'm so proud of you, Jasper. So proud of you for being so strong.”
Jasper's head began to spin, and he raised his hands to his eyes, covering them. He began to shake again, harder. He wanted to cry. He wanted to scream. How could she feel this way? How could she know this and still say these words? How could she be so perfect? How could she be so good?
How do I deserve her?!?!
Instead, he looked up at his beloved for the first time since Edward's declaration and found only love in her eyes. No pity, no disgust. Only love. He choked back a sob and pulled her into his arms.
“I don't deserve you,” he cried miserably, feeling the pain finally abate slightly as he held her. He had been given another reprieve. He did not have to say goodbye yet. He could live in this dream for a little while longer. It would always be just a dream from which he would some day awaken, but for now, he could embrace it. He could embrace her. It was enough. There would still be his family to face, but with Alice by his side, he could survive anything, even the humiliation that was sure to await him when he returned to the Cullens. But he would return, because he was strong. Alice had said so.
He held her there for he knew not how long, drawing strength from her love. They did not speak again, but in the mist of the deep forest, Jasper found himself opening to her emotionally in ways he had never done before. There was nothing left to hide, no secrets that Alice was not now privy too. It was liberating in a way. Empowering. Knowing that her love remained as strong as ever gave him the strength to do what he had to do. It gave him the strength to survive.
That which does not destroy us only makes us stronger.
He stood suddenly, not letting go of her as he did. He squeezed her hand tightly and lifted her face towards him gently, kissing her with worshipful adoration. They had to return. If they did not, the others would come looking.
And anyway, he was strong. He could do this. He could face them.
Alice had said so.
Nonetheless, he fought growing apprehension as the house came back into view. His forward pace slowed to a crawl, until he finally stopped in his tracks, unable to go any further.
Alice turned to him, raising a hand to his face tenderly. She looked as if she were about to say something, but thought better of it, and bit her lip for a moment.
“Jasper,” she said finally, “it will be alright.”
Jasper cast her a dubious look, but said nothing. How could it be alright? How could it possibly be alright? The worst, perhaps, had been averted - for some reason Alice remained at his side - but he could not imagine the others being quite so understanding. And how could he remain here when every look on their faces would be one of pity, where his brothers and sisters would be whispering behind his back of his deepest shames? And yet he knew he would, for being here made Alice happy. The loss of his hopes and dreams for acceptance and comfort did not give him the right to destroy Alice's as well.
Alice gave a gentle tug on his hand, and he did not resist. There really was no choice, was there? He had to face them eventually, and he doubted it would get any easier with time. As they finally reached the house and his suddenly leaden legs ascended the stairs, Alice pulled him tightly into an impromptu embrace.
“It will be alright, Jasper. You'll see. This is for the best.”
Jasper found himself wishing desperately that Alice's emotions were less anxious and more confident. He wondered briefly what it was that she wasn't telling him, but it wasn't terribly hard to guess. The next few moments were sure to be anything but pleasant. With a sigh of resignation, Jasper grasped the door handle and stepped inside.
Five pairs of eyes met his, and a tidal wave of emotions hit him. They were too strong, too intense for him to separate, the feelings of six other vampires all directed towards him. But no one spoke - they wouldn't even stop staring at him! Eyes wide...unblinking...as if trying to word the feelings that Jasper himself could not even translate. It took all the strength he possessed simply not to flee.
He squeezed Alice's hand and dropped his eyes to the floor, shame burning through his veins like venom. He sunk his teeth into his bottom lip, resisting the urge to scream his mortification. They could not even speak to him! With a sudden burst of speed he dropped Alice's hand and made for the stairs and the safety of his bedroom.
“Jasper.”
He was halfway up the steps when Carlisle's voice reached him, and he froze midstep.
“Jasper, would you please come to the living room so we can talk? As a family?”
Jasper found himself unable to speak, but nodded his assent and heavily descended the stairs. Alice met him at the bottom, wrapping an arm around his waist in support. It felt to him the same as a priest escorting a condemned man to his death; in the end the worst would have to be faced alone. Still, it was something, and Jasper was grateful for the small amount of comfort it provided.
When they reached the living room, it was to find the same awkward silence as before. A clearly distraught Rosalie clung to Emmett for support as they cuddled on the couch. Esme's face was sad and ashen, and Carlisle's serious and severe. Edward stood looking out the window with his back to the room, his arms crossed over his chest. Jasper was caught off guard by the rage that instantly consumed him when he laid eyes on Edward.
Betrayer!!! False, faithless deceiver!!! Judas!!!
A snarl was born deep in Jasper's animal self, and he did not even try to restrain it. He clenched his hands tightly, taking on an aggressive posture against the one who had wounded him far deeper than teeth could ever reach. Hatred he had not felt since the war filled him, blinding his senses.
Treacherous villain! How could he break such a confidence?!
This was the one. The one who had shamed him. Humiliated him. Ripped from him all hope of comfort, made 'home' once again an abstract concept he would never know. The one who had almost caused him to lose his Alice. The one who had made him lose face. The one he had trusted, loved, respected...the one who had thrown his greatest shames into an argument simply for the joy of victory.
Rip him apart. Destroy him. Make him pay!
Edward had turned around to face him and now took a step toward him, his hand outstretched.
“Jasper, I -”
The snarl tore from Jasper's throat, and he lunged at Edward, only to find himself restrained by three sets of arms. Edward had wisely pulled back and fallen into a defensive crouch himself.
“Jasper!” Carlisle rebuked sternly. “We will have none of that! Not in my house! Not in this family! We will settle this matter like men, not like animals!”
Shame replaced Jasper's fury as his shoulders slouched and he bowed his head, suddenly submissive. Only rarely had he drawn harsh words from Carlisle, and every time he had deserved them. As he certainly did now.
“Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.”
“But your anger is understandable,” Carlisle continued, looking at Edward sharply. “What Edward did was very hurtful, and I'm sure it has opened wounds that will take a long time to heal.”
Edward bowed his head at Carlisle's words.
“Edward, you do realize that you have hurt Jasper a great deal with your thoughtlessness?”
“I do,” Edward said softly.
“You have betrayed his trust in a most egregious manner and revealed secrets that were not yours to reveal. You have a special talent, Edward, but it is one that can easily violate the privacy of others. You know that you have to act with responsibility and discretion. You have done neither. It hurts me to say it, Edward, but I am ashamed of what you have done today.”
Jasper felt a dagger of pain come from Edward and looked toward his brother in surprise. Edward's eyes were closed tightly, but that did not hide the terrible misery that marred his brother's face. Jasper suddenly understood that the deepest bite he could have inflicted would have been far less punishment to Edward that Carlisle's words. Edward's shame...pain...humiliation... continued to fill Jasper, and he felt his anger toward his brother lessen. He met his eyes and for a moment opened his thoughts to him. He could not forgive him completely for what he had done, not yet; but Edward's punishment was enough. And in time, Jasper knew that he would find it within himself to forgive.
Carlisle waited until their unspoken communication seemed complete, then continued.
“Jasper, we have all promised that what was revealed today will never leave this house. I am aware that all of us knowing your secrets is terrifying to you, but please understand that we are your family, and that beyond all else, we love you. What we have learned today does not change that in the slightest, nor does it make us think less of you. The wrongs committed against you do not change who you are - they are simply another piece of you. We love you, Jasper, both in spite of and because of everything that has happened to you in the past.”
Jasper looked down, starting to shake, as he felt the emotions of his family hit him all at once, supporting Carlisle's words.
Love. Compassion. Acceptance.
It came from all of them, and it was so overwhelming and unexpected that he collapsed to his knees, covering his face in his hands.
How could it be? How could they love and accept him now? After this? Did they not understand how loathsome he was? How weak?
Suddenly, a new feeling entered the mix.
Understanding.
Jasper looked up in surprise into Rosalie's golden eyes.
Yes. She would understand.
She said nothing, but offered him her hand, helping him to his feet. Before she released him, she hugged him tightly and whispered in his ear, “We are strong, Jasper. Stronger than the others, because we survived.” She hugged him again before taking Emmett's hand and leaving the room. He felt strangely warm at her words. They were empowering.
He blinked, still shaken by the surreal turn of events. His secret was out. They all knew. And yet Alice, his beloved Alice, remained at his side. And his family, instead of finding him loathsome, loved him-loved him!-and Rosalie, Rosalie understood.
“I told you everything would be alright, Jasper,” Alice said merrily, taking both of his hands in hers. “Actually, I think it will be better this way. You'll see.”
Alice pressed her face against his chest, and he automatically ran his fingers through her hair.
Perhaps, Jasper thought as he held Alice tightly, perhaps his dreams of comfort, of belonging, of finding a place and a family where he could be content...perhaps they were not gone forever. Perhaps they were still within his grasp. Beyond all else, he knew one thing for certain - as long as he had Alice in his arms, hope remained.
Comments are <3
Author: pinkowitch
Rating: Teen
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Characters and Pairings: Alice/Jasper, implied Jasper/Maria (non-con)
Spoilers: Eclipse
Word Count: 5259
Prompt: Secrets
Summary: Jaspers darkest secrets are revealed.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I just play with them. :)
Author’s Notes: I STRONGLY recommend that you read Shamed and through Chapter 6 of Hope and History in order for this to make sense. Chapters 1-5 and the edited version of Chapter 6 are available on FF.net. For the mature version of Chapter 6, message me.
This story, and indeed all of my writing, would have been impossible without the constant support of my dear friend and beta, sirenprincess. I couldn't have done it without you.
The rain drizzled tirelessly outside Jasper's bedroom window, a gentle sound brushing through the tall pines that surrounded the Cullen's secluded home. Jasper reclined lazily in the bed he shared with Alice, spending the peaceful evening with a book that rested against his raised knees. Alice had left several hours earlier, and while Jasper acutely felt her absence and pined for her return, he was slowly becoming comfortable enough with the Cullens that he could almost enjoy an evening with just the quiet solace of his books. Almost. Learning to trust again had been a painfully difficult journey for him. Maria and the dark years that followed her had robbed him of his innocent confidence in the world and in others. While Alice's love had helped him to heal to an extent, he had remained cautious and distant, even with his new family. But he had tried, mainly for Alice. He had made some progress, enough that tonight he could allow himself to relax, even though Alice was not here to reassure him. It was, at least, a start.
Jasper sighed, hesitating a moment in his reading. Who would have thought, in those dark days before he met Alice, that he would ever find comfort so close? A family...peace...love...acceptance, all within his reach. Sometimes he expected to awaken again from this dream into the hell that still lurked in every shadow. The demons were so close, close enough that he imagined their icy fingers reaching for him, ready to pull him back, to tear him away from this almost idyllic existence and back to the hell where his loathsome soul surely belonged. They waited for him, anticipating the moment when this dream would surely end, for the moment that Jasper most feared and yet knew without a doubt would someday come. There were, of course, demons of which he had not even told Alice. Evil, shameful things that had happened in the decades with Maria...things that were not for the ears of a lady. It was these memories that left him trembling in the darkest pre-dawn hours, that left him shaken when morning finally came. Sometimes, as he lay in bed with Alice, content and basking in his love for her, he had considered confiding in her, but he could never find the strength. If she knew his shame, his humiliation; she would surely pity him. She would surely think less of him. And that he could not bear. It was torture enough to him that Edward most certainly knew. They had never spoken of it, but the memories had flashed through Jasper's mind frequently enough that Edward could not have missed them. Jasper, in his shame, had never been able to meet his brother's eyes, petrified of finding pity there. To see such a thing in the eyes of his beloved Alice would irrevocably destroy him. There would be no coming back from that; it would leave him forever in the demons' icy clutches.
Jasper shook his head to dispel the darkness. Even in a peaceful setting such as this, he could not escape it forever, but he refused to succumb to it tonight. He glanced at the clock, wondering for a moment when Alice would return from her shopping trip with Esme. Somehow, when she was here, it was easier to keep the darkness at bay. Forcing himself to return to his book, he tried again to lose himself in the words, searching for the peace he could often find in the history books that Alice simply could not understand his fascination with.
His attention was suddenly and violently diverted by a war of emotions from downstairs. Anger...shame...fury...humiliation...fear...rage...poured from Rosalie so intensely that Jasper gasped, instantly erecting walls to protect himself from making the emotions his own. They were followed by Edward's no less intense feelings - anger...disgust...almost hatred. Jasper had never understood what had happened between Edward and Rosalie that had caused such antipathy on Edward's behalf, but he could hardly deny the emotions he felt.
He sat up, closing the book on his lap just as Rosalie's shrill scream hit him, and cringed as Edward's deeper, but no less angry, voice followed close behind. He closed his eyes, attempting to temporarily block the emotions and concentrate on the words in an attempt to discern what exactly the argument was about this time.
“She had every right to kill him, Edward, after what he did to her!” Rosalie cried, her voice higher pitched than usual. Her emotions were like a knife, piercing Jasper's heart. Could Edward truly not feel her pain?
“Murder is still a crime, Rosalie! It's still wrong, even if the person you kill hurt you!” Edward's words, while calmer, still had an edge. They were, Jasper supposed, arguing about whatever had transpired on the TV crime show that they had been watching so peacefully only moments before. And Jasper was quickly aware that whoever the character on this TV show had been, she was, to Rosalie, little more than a proxy.
“Rose, babe, it's just a show...” Emmett's gentle and comforting voice did little to ease Rosalie's emotions, which were quickly building into angry storm clouds.
“He didn't deserve to live!” Rosalie wailed, and Jasper felt the fear and horror surpass the anger in her words. She was descending into her memories. Jasper shuddered, pushing her emotions away from himself violently. He would not let them pull him into his own darkness. At the same time, he felt an acute stab of pity for Rosalie. He often did. There were things about him that she would never know, commonalities of which she would never be aware. They were his own personal humiliations, and he would not subject even Alice to that darkness. But Rosalie's lack of awareness in the miseries they shared did not lessen his sympathy for her. He did not understand how Edward could be so callous. Such coldness could only come from one who did not comprehend the horror and destructiveness that such experiences created.
The vulnerability...the shame...
Jasper shook his head sharply as Rosalie's all-too-familiar emotions began to overtake him and forced himself to concentrate once again on the conversation unfolding downstairs.
“That wasn't her choice to make!” Edward replied, his words soaked in frustration and righteous indignation. It was easy for one who had suffered relatively little - for Jasper admitted that all of their kind had suffered or they would not be what they were - to see the world in moral absolutes. Jasper had learned in his years that there was very little that could be labeled accurately in this way. Good and evil were simply words with little real meaning; reality existed in shades of grey moral ambiguity. But the spike in Rosalie's misery at Edward's words quickly drew Jasper away from his philosophical ponderings. Her emotions were breaching the walls of his defenses. It was taking some effort to keep them from influencing his own. She was near her breaking point; he could tell. And neither Emmett nor Carlisle had what it would take to calm this situation.
Only he had that.
Using his ability to calm arguments between Rosalie and Edward was something that Jasper did rather frequently. It made him feel useful for a moment, as if he were not the burden that he knew himself to be. It was something that he could give back to the Cullens, although it was a mere token in comparison to what they had given him. But one also had to be careful when dealing with Rosalie. She was...volatile, to say the least. Jasper understood her rage for what it was: a projection of her suffering, an acting out. But he had always feared, nonetheless, that his attempt would simply add fuel to her fire, and upset her more.
“You have no idea what it's like!” Rosalie nearly wept, her voice breaking.
Jasper stood, putting the book on his nightstand, and quickly made his way down the stairs. He could not bear the pain he felt in Rosalie. It was a destructive pain, depressingly familiar to Jasper, and he knew exactly where it would lead. She would be swallowed, sucked back to the past, into the depths of a darkness so deep that there was no escape. It engulfed you, smothered you...blotting out the present until she would be forever lost in the evil and pain of the past, reliving the worst, the most horrific, the most hellish moments, over and over, ad infinitum. Those who had never experienced this called these never ending moments of terror “flashbacks,” but to Jasper, the term seemed far too transient and benevolent for these moments when the demons won and devoured their prey. If, with his ability, he could save Rosalie from this, then it would be cruel to refuse.
He made his way down the stairs to the sounds of their argument, and when he reached them, he found them both standing. Rosalie's hands were clenched in fury, and Edward was glaring at her with poorly-disguised hatred. He had never been able to understand why Edward disliked Rosalie so intensely, but standing here observing them, the emotion was palpable. Edward hated her, despised what she stood for, and Jasper got the feeling that he would go to any length to win this argument. Watching Edward, Jasper suddenly understood that it was a proxy argument for Edward as well, and the real war - against what Edward saw as her vanity and egotism - was a worthy and noble cause in which any means would be justified by his victory. Jasper shuddered at the implications of how deep that could bury Rosalie in her sorrows, and he stepped between them.
“May I help?”
Rosalie spared him only a moment's glance before turning her fury-filled eyes back to Edward.
“You have no idea what it's like, Edward! None! How dare you judge her when you know NOTHING!”
“This isn't about her, is it, Rosalie? It's about you. It's always about you,” Edward returned, his voice deceptively calm, but with a cruel edge.
Jasper looked from Edward to Rosalie, wondering for a moment if his entrance had even been noticed. He considered calming them both a little, without their permission, just to keep this from escalating, but he hated doing it that way. It seemed...a violation.
“Edward, Rosalie,” he said softly, “Is it alright if - ?”
“One would think that you're the only one on Earth who has ever been raped!” Edward shouted, interrupting Jasper. “One would think that no one else in the world has ever been through that! Well, you're wrong! You're not even the only one in this house!” Edward's voice was rising in pitch, desperate to get in that final jab against Rosalie that would win his quixotic battle.
Not even the only one in this house.
The words reverberated through Jasper's entire being. His eyes flicked involuntarily to Edward, but Edward was looking at Rosalie. A jab of fear that had nothing to do with either of their emotions almost crippled him, but he fought it off.
He wouldn't. Edward wouldn't do that. He wouldn't betray such a confidence just to win an argument.
Of course, it had never been expressly said that it was a confidence. In fact, they had never spoken of it at all.
Jasper felt his hands clench and unclench as his well-tested defensive reflexes emerged.
He must mean something else. He must.
At that moment, the door crashed open, slamming into the wall with the fury of the push. Alice, her eyes wide in terror, burst through the door.
“Edward, NO!” she cried, but despite her volume, he did not seem to hear her.
Jasper had only a moment to look at her in confusion and worry before Edward's next words hit him.
“Jasper was raped by Maria for decades, and you don't see him justifying murder at every turn!”
Edward continued speaking, but his words were drowned out by the sudden ringing in Jasper's ears. He felt all strength leave his body. The world started spinning as his knees gave out on him. He reached behind him, finding the wall as he collapsed against it, sliding to the floor.
Nononononononononononono....
He heard Alice's voice, as if from a great distance, shouting angrily at Edward.
“How dare you betray his secret?!”
Alice was yelling at Edward. About his secret.
Oh god.
She knew.
From not breathing at all, Jasper began to hyperventilate. He forced himself to his feet, his eyes darting around the room like a trapped animal. He found Alice, who turned her eyes to him - oh god was that pity??? - and he turned away in horrified shame. He couldn't bear it. He couldn't stand it.
The world was collapsing. There was no place safe. He was going to lose everything...what would Alice think of him now? Would she look at him with pity? Disgust? What could a woman think of a man weak enough to let that happen to him? To be abused by a woman? How good of a protector could he be if he couldn't even protect himself from a woman?!? He would be forever shamed in her eyes. Forever lessened. What they had - the love, the respect - would be forever gone.
How...how could Edward betray him??? He turned to his brother with wide, searching, miserable eyes. He had trusted Edward. He had loved Edward...and Edward had betrayed him, not only to Rosalie, but to Alice. He had never told Alice before, for a reason. And now she knew. She knew his shame, his weakness. She knew just how worthless and loathsome he was. And now she would leave. Jasper felt a dead calm fill him. He had always known this moment would come. This day had always lurked just beyond his view. He felt hollow, empty, sad, and yet at the same time, he felt nothing. He realized that he was distancing himself from the pain, as he had with Maria. It had always worked, for a moment, until the pain became too great. As soon it would. When his heart realized that the dream was over. Yes, he had known this moment would come. It had been only a matter of time, ever since that day they had met in the diner when he had been given a moment more to live. He had always known it would never last. And yet that would not make the pain any less once Alice was gone.
She would leave, and he would be alone, only it would be so much worse than before...how could he survive without her after holding her in his arms? How could he ever be ready to say goodbye?
Alice's smiling face flashed before his eyes, memories of the happy times in the sixty years they had shared. Her smile, her laughter, her scent, her touch, the taste of her lips...she had overpowered and made love to all of his senses, and now they would all be bereft. Only yesterday he had watched her dance beneath the trees; her grace and beauty had pulled a rare smile from him. And now it would only be memories. Memories! Memories that would make his darkness that much darker in contrast. The pain broke through his defenses at his memories of her, crushing him, overwhelming him. It was as if he were burning from the inside out, his heart and soul turning to ash. He couldn't think. The pain was all there was. Tears that would never fall scorched his eyes, and his hands clawed at his face, causing no permanent damage, much to Jasper's misery. He needed to hurt. He needed to feel that pain. He needed the physical pain to release the mental anguish that was threatening to swallow him. He raised his arm to his mouth and bit down, crying out as his own venom marred his arm, adding itself to the pattern of scars already there. And still the pain did not lessen.
Jasper raised his hands to his face and let out a miserable, animalistic cry. He raced from the house, into the woods. He had to get away, away from all of them. He could not bear their pitying faces. He could not bear that they knew.
Deep in the woods, he collapsed to his knees again, sitting on the wet earth, hugging his knees and rocking a bit. He buried his face against his knees and began to sob tearlessly, his shoulders shaking nearly convulsively. The pain of betrayal, the humiliation, and the loss of respect in Alice's eyes all combined to create the most miserable moment Jasper had ever known.
And there was no going back from this.
After a few moments, he heard steps approaching and turned his face away from them. He could not look at her. It was unbearable. To see those eyes, which had once looked at him with such love and respect, look at him with pity...he could not see it or he would be destroyed forever. Irreparably.
He heard the footsteps stop very near him, but Alice said nothing.
What was there to say?
You misled me. You led me to think you were a good protector, a strong man, someone I could count on to protect me. But you're not. You're weak. You're loathsome.
However, the emotions he felt from her did not match the words in his mind. It was not anger or disgust, and although he was terrified to look for it, he did not feel pity either. Perhaps she had simply learned to hide her feelings over the years.
“Jasper,” she said finally, crouching down beside him, taking his injured arm and running her fingers over the new scar that glistened angrily on his forearm. “Oh, Jasper, why? Why did you hurt yourself like that?”
She lowered her lips to his self-inflicted wound, kissing it with infinite tenderness. Jasper trembled, but could not bring himself to speak. What was there to say? He had done it because if he had not, he would have exploded from the inside with shame and misery.
“Oh, Jazz...” Alice gathered him against her, her soft hands stroking his hair and his back, as she rocked with him in silence for a few moments. Jasper could not help but reciprocate, allowing her to comfort him like a child. He was weak. Even though he knew he could not bear her pity when it came, he could not resist her gentle comfort now. Even when he knew this would be the last time he would feel it, and it would only make the pain of her rejection that much greater. But he didn't have the strength to push her away.
“Oh, my brave, brave, love...” Alice said, her voice sounding almost teary.
Brave?
“Why did you never tell me? You were trying to protect me, weren't you?”
Jasper couldn't find words, but he nodded slightly. Yes, that had been the reason. Partially. He had also been trying to protect himself.
“Or did you think I would think poorly of you? Love you less?”
Jasper nodded against her again, starting to shake.
“Oh, Jasper...” she kissed the top of his head tenderly, holding him closer. She curled a strand of his golden-blond hair around her finger and kissed it, as well, before lowering her lips to his ear. “Nothing could ever make me love you less. You're my whole world.” She hesitated for a moment. “And I already suspected anyway.”
Jasper pulled away and looked at her in shock. “W-what??” he stammered.
Alice raised a gentle hand to his face.
“We've been married over sixty years, love. One notices things. I didn't miss how frightened you were our first night together or how important it was to you when I listened when you said no. After time, things added up, and I suspected. And it made me love you more, to know how much you'd been through, how much you'd suffered, and yet how wonderful and loving you still are. To be through everything you've been through, and to still be so full of love...for everything inside you not to have shriveled into hate...that takes such a strong and wonderful heart...”
Alice lowered her hand to his chest, covering his still heart. Her next words were choked with emotion.
“I'm so proud of you, Jasper. So proud of you for being so strong.”
Jasper's head began to spin, and he raised his hands to his eyes, covering them. He began to shake again, harder. He wanted to cry. He wanted to scream. How could she feel this way? How could she know this and still say these words? How could she be so perfect? How could she be so good?
How do I deserve her?!?!
Instead, he looked up at his beloved for the first time since Edward's declaration and found only love in her eyes. No pity, no disgust. Only love. He choked back a sob and pulled her into his arms.
“I don't deserve you,” he cried miserably, feeling the pain finally abate slightly as he held her. He had been given another reprieve. He did not have to say goodbye yet. He could live in this dream for a little while longer. It would always be just a dream from which he would some day awaken, but for now, he could embrace it. He could embrace her. It was enough. There would still be his family to face, but with Alice by his side, he could survive anything, even the humiliation that was sure to await him when he returned to the Cullens. But he would return, because he was strong. Alice had said so.
He held her there for he knew not how long, drawing strength from her love. They did not speak again, but in the mist of the deep forest, Jasper found himself opening to her emotionally in ways he had never done before. There was nothing left to hide, no secrets that Alice was not now privy too. It was liberating in a way. Empowering. Knowing that her love remained as strong as ever gave him the strength to do what he had to do. It gave him the strength to survive.
That which does not destroy us only makes us stronger.
He stood suddenly, not letting go of her as he did. He squeezed her hand tightly and lifted her face towards him gently, kissing her with worshipful adoration. They had to return. If they did not, the others would come looking.
And anyway, he was strong. He could do this. He could face them.
Alice had said so.
Nonetheless, he fought growing apprehension as the house came back into view. His forward pace slowed to a crawl, until he finally stopped in his tracks, unable to go any further.
Alice turned to him, raising a hand to his face tenderly. She looked as if she were about to say something, but thought better of it, and bit her lip for a moment.
“Jasper,” she said finally, “it will be alright.”
Jasper cast her a dubious look, but said nothing. How could it be alright? How could it possibly be alright? The worst, perhaps, had been averted - for some reason Alice remained at his side - but he could not imagine the others being quite so understanding. And how could he remain here when every look on their faces would be one of pity, where his brothers and sisters would be whispering behind his back of his deepest shames? And yet he knew he would, for being here made Alice happy. The loss of his hopes and dreams for acceptance and comfort did not give him the right to destroy Alice's as well.
Alice gave a gentle tug on his hand, and he did not resist. There really was no choice, was there? He had to face them eventually, and he doubted it would get any easier with time. As they finally reached the house and his suddenly leaden legs ascended the stairs, Alice pulled him tightly into an impromptu embrace.
“It will be alright, Jasper. You'll see. This is for the best.”
Jasper found himself wishing desperately that Alice's emotions were less anxious and more confident. He wondered briefly what it was that she wasn't telling him, but it wasn't terribly hard to guess. The next few moments were sure to be anything but pleasant. With a sigh of resignation, Jasper grasped the door handle and stepped inside.
Five pairs of eyes met his, and a tidal wave of emotions hit him. They were too strong, too intense for him to separate, the feelings of six other vampires all directed towards him. But no one spoke - they wouldn't even stop staring at him! Eyes wide...unblinking...as if trying to word the feelings that Jasper himself could not even translate. It took all the strength he possessed simply not to flee.
He squeezed Alice's hand and dropped his eyes to the floor, shame burning through his veins like venom. He sunk his teeth into his bottom lip, resisting the urge to scream his mortification. They could not even speak to him! With a sudden burst of speed he dropped Alice's hand and made for the stairs and the safety of his bedroom.
“Jasper.”
He was halfway up the steps when Carlisle's voice reached him, and he froze midstep.
“Jasper, would you please come to the living room so we can talk? As a family?”
Jasper found himself unable to speak, but nodded his assent and heavily descended the stairs. Alice met him at the bottom, wrapping an arm around his waist in support. It felt to him the same as a priest escorting a condemned man to his death; in the end the worst would have to be faced alone. Still, it was something, and Jasper was grateful for the small amount of comfort it provided.
When they reached the living room, it was to find the same awkward silence as before. A clearly distraught Rosalie clung to Emmett for support as they cuddled on the couch. Esme's face was sad and ashen, and Carlisle's serious and severe. Edward stood looking out the window with his back to the room, his arms crossed over his chest. Jasper was caught off guard by the rage that instantly consumed him when he laid eyes on Edward.
Betrayer!!! False, faithless deceiver!!! Judas!!!
A snarl was born deep in Jasper's animal self, and he did not even try to restrain it. He clenched his hands tightly, taking on an aggressive posture against the one who had wounded him far deeper than teeth could ever reach. Hatred he had not felt since the war filled him, blinding his senses.
Treacherous villain! How could he break such a confidence?!
This was the one. The one who had shamed him. Humiliated him. Ripped from him all hope of comfort, made 'home' once again an abstract concept he would never know. The one who had almost caused him to lose his Alice. The one who had made him lose face. The one he had trusted, loved, respected...the one who had thrown his greatest shames into an argument simply for the joy of victory.
Rip him apart. Destroy him. Make him pay!
Edward had turned around to face him and now took a step toward him, his hand outstretched.
“Jasper, I -”
The snarl tore from Jasper's throat, and he lunged at Edward, only to find himself restrained by three sets of arms. Edward had wisely pulled back and fallen into a defensive crouch himself.
“Jasper!” Carlisle rebuked sternly. “We will have none of that! Not in my house! Not in this family! We will settle this matter like men, not like animals!”
Shame replaced Jasper's fury as his shoulders slouched and he bowed his head, suddenly submissive. Only rarely had he drawn harsh words from Carlisle, and every time he had deserved them. As he certainly did now.
“Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.”
“But your anger is understandable,” Carlisle continued, looking at Edward sharply. “What Edward did was very hurtful, and I'm sure it has opened wounds that will take a long time to heal.”
Edward bowed his head at Carlisle's words.
“Edward, you do realize that you have hurt Jasper a great deal with your thoughtlessness?”
“I do,” Edward said softly.
“You have betrayed his trust in a most egregious manner and revealed secrets that were not yours to reveal. You have a special talent, Edward, but it is one that can easily violate the privacy of others. You know that you have to act with responsibility and discretion. You have done neither. It hurts me to say it, Edward, but I am ashamed of what you have done today.”
Jasper felt a dagger of pain come from Edward and looked toward his brother in surprise. Edward's eyes were closed tightly, but that did not hide the terrible misery that marred his brother's face. Jasper suddenly understood that the deepest bite he could have inflicted would have been far less punishment to Edward that Carlisle's words. Edward's shame...pain...humiliation... continued to fill Jasper, and he felt his anger toward his brother lessen. He met his eyes and for a moment opened his thoughts to him. He could not forgive him completely for what he had done, not yet; but Edward's punishment was enough. And in time, Jasper knew that he would find it within himself to forgive.
Carlisle waited until their unspoken communication seemed complete, then continued.
“Jasper, we have all promised that what was revealed today will never leave this house. I am aware that all of us knowing your secrets is terrifying to you, but please understand that we are your family, and that beyond all else, we love you. What we have learned today does not change that in the slightest, nor does it make us think less of you. The wrongs committed against you do not change who you are - they are simply another piece of you. We love you, Jasper, both in spite of and because of everything that has happened to you in the past.”
Jasper looked down, starting to shake, as he felt the emotions of his family hit him all at once, supporting Carlisle's words.
Love. Compassion. Acceptance.
It came from all of them, and it was so overwhelming and unexpected that he collapsed to his knees, covering his face in his hands.
How could it be? How could they love and accept him now? After this? Did they not understand how loathsome he was? How weak?
Suddenly, a new feeling entered the mix.
Understanding.
Jasper looked up in surprise into Rosalie's golden eyes.
Yes. She would understand.
She said nothing, but offered him her hand, helping him to his feet. Before she released him, she hugged him tightly and whispered in his ear, “We are strong, Jasper. Stronger than the others, because we survived.” She hugged him again before taking Emmett's hand and leaving the room. He felt strangely warm at her words. They were empowering.
He blinked, still shaken by the surreal turn of events. His secret was out. They all knew. And yet Alice, his beloved Alice, remained at his side. And his family, instead of finding him loathsome, loved him-loved him!-and Rosalie, Rosalie understood.
“I told you everything would be alright, Jasper,” Alice said merrily, taking both of his hands in hers. “Actually, I think it will be better this way. You'll see.”
Alice pressed her face against his chest, and he automatically ran his fingers through her hair.
Perhaps, Jasper thought as he held Alice tightly, perhaps his dreams of comfort, of belonging, of finding a place and a family where he could be content...perhaps they were not gone forever. Perhaps they were still within his grasp. Beyond all else, he knew one thing for certain - as long as he had Alice in his arms, hope remained.
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