Hope and History - Chapter 6 - Joined (NC-17 Version)
TITLE: Hope and History - Chapter 6 - Joined
AUTHOR: pinkowitch
GENRE: Angst/Romance
RATING: NC-17. PJ-13 version available.
WARNING: The NC-17 version contains graphic (consensual) sexual acts.
CHARACTERS: Jasper, Alice
PAIRING: Jasper/Alice
SUMMARY: Jasper struggles with letting Alice get close to him.
WORD COUNT: 2575 (NC-17 version)
DISCLAIMER: These are not my characters. No copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Special thanks to my wonderful beta sirenprincess. If, when she posts her story in a couple of weeks/months/years, similarities are found between hers and mine, I want it to be stated for the record that her story came first. I'm afraid some of the wonderful discussions we've had must have worn off on me. No theft of ideas, etc. was intended.
For those of you who are new to this story - Chapters 1-5.
If you are under 18 or do not wish to read my depictions of graphic (consensual) consensual sexual acts, read this version instead: Chapter 6 - Joined - PG13 version
As their embrace lingered, Jasper began to notice a subtle shift in Alice's emotions. The gentle contentment that had radiated from her at first became restless, then longing as she began to nestle against him in an obvious attempt to maximize the contact. As she did, the longing evolved into hunger and desire.
Desire?!?!
At that feeling, Jasper gasped, and all rational thought was lost. With a whimper of despair he pushed her away and frantically leapt over the bed, putting it between Alice and himself. He cowered in the corner against the far wall, hugging his knees and rocking slightly.
“No...please...not again...”
He shuddered, his mind far from the innocuous hotel room, sucked back to a hell he would never truly escape.
She had felt that way. It was the first thing he felt, the desire. The pure, raging lust that overpowered everything. Eventually the disgust would come, but he could hardly blame her for that. He was disgusting. She had never failed to tell him that. But it had been the desire that started it. Her desire, regardless of his own. Her needs. Her desires. And what she made him do...the shameful things...the painful things...and she had become so angry if he had protested...
“Please, don't hurt me again...” he begged his unseen abuser as his shoulders heaved with dry sobs. “Please, Maria...”
He felt hands take his own. He did not fight them. He could not fight her. She was too strong, and he would only end up with a punishment even worse than what he was protesting. He simply bit his teeth into his lip and tried to distance himself from the pain, as he had always done. He had to pretend it was happening to someone else, or he could not bear it. Sometimes this tactic even worked.
“Jasper?”
The voice was soft, concerned. Odd. He had never heard concern in her voice before.
He opened his eyes.
Black hair, red eyes, beautiful...but not Maria.
He sucked in a deep breath as his consciousness returned to the present.
Love. Concern. Tenderness. Fear. Worry.
The last two pierced his heart as he reached out to cup her cheek in his hand.
“Alice,” he said weakly.
“Who is Maria?” she asked softly, leaning her face into his hand.
He paled. He had not realized he had said her name.
“The vampire who changed me,” he said flatly as he stroked her cheek with his finger. So soft.
Alice didn't ask any more questions. She was nearly purring as he caressed her, and he felt her desire return. He sucked in a breath.
“You're afraid...” Alice said softly.
Jasper simply shrugged and turned away, ashamed of his response to her. He closed his eyes, leaned his head tiredly against the wall, clenched his knees to his chest, and mentally added this to his list of failures. He waited to hear the quickly fading footsteps and the slamming door that would mean she had left. Instead, he felt her pry his fingers one by one from his knees and snuggle in under his arm until her face was only inches from his own. He opened his eyes in shock. She nestled her face against his neck and wrapped an arm around his waist. He blinked, unsure of how to react. This tenderness was outside of his frame of reference. Timidly, tentatively, he curled his arm around her, watching her face and emotions for any signs of disgust. There were none. In fact, she cuddled closer to him, with a gentle sigh. Jasper closed his eyes, overwhelmed with emotion and whimpered slightly. He did not know how to deal with this. It frightened him almost more than Maria's cruelty, more than the vicious attacks of the newborns. Maria's cruelty had been deserved by his worthlessness; the vicious attacks of the newborns were part of war. Hatred could be matched by hatred, attacks with death, punishment with regret. But this...this new feeling...he did not know how to fight it. He knew it was undeserved. He knew that if Alice truly knew him, who he was, what he had done, she would not be lying curled across his chest so trustingly. And yet he could not find the strength to tell her the truth. Not yet.
Moments passed, hours perhaps. Her tenderness caused him grief, because he knew it could not last forever. But he concentrated on it, hoping that he could remember this bittersweet feeling in the empty days and years that were yet to come. Days and years that would be even emptier, now that he had held her in his arms.
Suddenly, she wiggled, pulled his shirt out from his pants, and moved to slide her hand underneath.
“Jasper...I want...”
His hand flew to stop hers, grasping it gently. He peered into her eyes, pleadingly.
“Please, don't...”
“Why?”
Because I don't want you to see the monster.
“Because...because...please no...”
“Jasper, don't you know that I love you? That nothing could change that?”
Jasper didn't answer. They were sweet, gentle words, but she had not seen how horrible he was under his shirt. He did not want to frighten her away.
Dear God, not yet. Don't take her from me yet.
To his surprise, she moved her hand.
He had said no, and she had listened. She had not continued on, despite his wishes. He had said no, and she had stopped. If he could, he would have cried. It was such a simple thing, but his heart clenched tightly at it. His wishes mattered to her.
“Alice...”
Emboldened by this, he placed his fingers gently under her chin, and tilted her face up to him. For a moment, he found himself lost in her eyes, but just for a moment. Led by his heart, he lowered his lips to hers, lightly at first, then deeper as he pulled her against him. He felt his own long buried desire grow as she returned his kiss. Absent was the powerlessness he felt when he was with Maria, the shame. He was in control right now. He could stop when he wished. It was empowering.
He felt his body respond to her as he kissed her, and abandoned her lips to trail kisses along her jawline. She was delicious, and he wanted her. A primal male part of him that had been long repressed surfaced. He wanted to claim her, make her his, give her so much pleasure that she would never leave. For that, he could give her. He could worship her body, make her tremble with delight, and perhaps that ecstasy could make up for the fact that he himself was unworthy of her.
It had been so long.
And even longer since he had enjoyed it.
He suddenly pulled away and stood. He crossed the room to turn off the lights. It made little difference to what they could or could not see, but Maria had always insisted that they perform in full light. It made his scars more apparent, and it was easier for her to show him how flawed and hideous he was. The shroud of darkness was comforting, even if only symbolic.
He returned to where she still sat on the floor, to where she had held him and pulled him from his ancient fear. He lifted her in his arms, kissing her deeply as she wrapped her legs around his waist.
His hands found the softness of her bottom, and he left them there as he sat on the bed, kneading her backside as he kissed her throat with increasing desperation. His hands slowly made their way to her hips, pushing her dress out of the way. Alice pulled back, grabbed her dress, and pulled it off over her head, baring herself to him as she looked at him in trusting innocence.
“Oh, God, Alice...” he said in a voice he hardly recognized as his own because it was so gruff and throaty. He had never seen anything in his life that came close to the beauty bared before him. He clenched his hand. A voice inside him begged him not to mar such beauty with his horror, but before he could answer it, Alice grasped his hand and placed it over her bare breast. He closed his eyes, swallowing, seeing and feeling too much for him to take. He caressed her tenderly, cupping and squeezing her perfect softness. He felt her respond, his own body tightening even more in return. He forced his eyes open, gazing at her in the pale light. He ran his hands up and down her sides, exploring her body with an infinite tenderness. He could not believe how soft she was, how receptive to his touch. It was like an electric spark every time he touched her. As his eyes met hers, he knew - and felt - that it was mutual.
He rolled them over so that he hovered above her, kissing her with increasing intensity. He felt free, in charge, and it gave him courage. He was not a victim having horrible things done to him, but a man, doing something he wanted to do. Pulling the covers over them so she could not see the scars that marred him, he freed himself from his pants, and tossed them onto the floor. He found confidence in the fact that she could not see his chest or legs, where so many of the scars were. He hoped the few scars on his face would not disgust her too much. He returned to her breasts, kneading them lovingly with his hands as he kissed her lips, deeper, and deeper still. He burned from within in a way that brought back distant memories of himself as a human in the days before Maria, when he had hungered for a woman’s touch, a woman’s softness. These were feelings he had been certain that Maria had killed forever.
But she had not. Alice was reawakening them, one by one. As his desire grew into a desperate need, he sent yet another prayer to God , thanking Him for giving him such a precious gift as Alice.
His lips trailed down her jaw, to her throat, and further still, replacing his hands at the soft mounds of her breasts. He took a swollen nipple in his mouth, suckling gently before pulling back and teasing it with the soft touch of his tongue. Alice clutched the bed sheets and arched her back, moaning his name in a way that made Jasper tremble with delight. Her desire hit him like a wave and he nearly lost control. He restrained himself from climaxing only by sheer willpower.
“I can't...I can't wait much longer...” he choked out through clenched teeth. He could not in his life remember being this aroused.
Alice simply nodded and pulled him up so she could kiss him on the lips. He kissed her hungrily and lifted her soft legs around him, making her his with a gentle yet passionate thrust. At the moment of their union, Jasper's mind exploded in feeling. Her emotions became indistinguishable from his own, and he could feel the pleasure caused by his desperate rhythm as well as that he received from it. He gasped and changed his position slightly to one that caused her more pleasure - he could feel that it did even before her cry reached his ears. They were one, physically, emotionally, spiritually...there was no denying it as he rocked gently into her. He knew what she wanted, for he could feel it. He knew what she needed, because he needed it too. Her desires were his own, her pleasures his own. It was a meeting of souls, and he had never felt anything more perfect.
Alice whimpered, nearing her final moments. Jasper swallowed, increasing his pace slightly, and opening himself to her entirely, letting her feel the joy and pleasure she was giving him. It was too much for Alice. Clenching her jaw, she gave a soft coo of delight, squeezing him tightly in her climax. Jasper outlasted her only by a moment. He buried his face against her shoulder, as he found his own release.
As soon as rational thought returned to Jasper, he rolled off of her, afraid to crush her. She was delicate and small, and he felt almost oafish next to her. He resisted pulling her into his arms, memories of Maria holding him back. No woman wished to hold him, to be reminded of the horrible creature she had been with, once her mind was freed from the heat of desire. So instead, he simply reached out and stroked her cheek with impossible softness, looking at her with adoration. She would leave soon, but he could not deny her that. She had given him so much more than he deserved, so much more than he expected.
She looked back at him and, to his confusion, closed the distance that separated them. She pressed her face into his shirt and curled up her knees so that he enveloped her entire tiny body.
“Hold me, Jasper...”
His arms were around her, cradling her, before he even had time to consider her request. He buried his face in her hair, breathing in the smell of her, mixed with the musk of their union. She wrapped an arm around his waist and sighed happily before planting a sweet, feathery kiss on his neck.
The emotions that came from her floored him. She felt safe, protected, happy. Cuddling him. She didn't want to leave. She wanted to stay, warm and safe in his arms.
And he felt love.
He bit his lower lip hard enough to leave a mark as his heart clenched.
Love.
How was it possible? How was it possible that she loved him - that anyone loved him? How was it possible that she didn't want to leave, that she wanted to stay here, in his arms? He began to tremble, and his eyes smarted with unshed tears. It was nearly more than he could bear. It made him feel dishonest, as if she had somehow misunderstood him, as if she had somehow thought him someone he was not. But he had not misled her, had he? He could not think of how he could have done so.
It is because she does not truly know me yet. Her love will fade when she discovers the monster.
It comforted him in a way, this thought that perhaps the earth had not, in fact, shifted on its axis. Though he could not deny the love that came from her now, she was simply mistaken in her emotions. In time she would come to her senses and realize what everyone else had realized - that he was unlovable. Then she would leave, and his world would regain balance and make sense again. And he, alone as always, would relive this night in the darkness to come, and remember the time when, for a moment, he had been loved.
And so he would treasure this moment while he could, holding her close, memorizing forever the feel of her snuggled in his embrace.
Alice shifted in his arms, nestling closer to him. He buried himself in her emotions, an action that to him was just as intimate as when he had earlier found solace and joy in her body. He reveled in the contentment and love he found there, letting it surround him like a cocoon he shared only with her.
For the moment, it pushed away his darkness, banishing it to the shadows.
For now.
But for now, it was enough.
AUTHOR: pinkowitch
GENRE: Angst/Romance
RATING: NC-17. PJ-13 version available.
WARNING: The NC-17 version contains graphic (consensual) sexual acts.
CHARACTERS: Jasper, Alice
PAIRING: Jasper/Alice
SUMMARY: Jasper struggles with letting Alice get close to him.
WORD COUNT: 2575 (NC-17 version)
DISCLAIMER: These are not my characters. No copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Special thanks to my wonderful beta sirenprincess. If, when she posts her story in a couple of weeks/months/years, similarities are found between hers and mine, I want it to be stated for the record that her story came first. I'm afraid some of the wonderful discussions we've had must have worn off on me. No theft of ideas, etc. was intended.
For those of you who are new to this story - Chapters 1-5.
If you are under 18 or do not wish to read my depictions of graphic (consensual) consensual sexual acts, read this version instead: Chapter 6 - Joined - PG13 version
As their embrace lingered, Jasper began to notice a subtle shift in Alice's emotions. The gentle contentment that had radiated from her at first became restless, then longing as she began to nestle against him in an obvious attempt to maximize the contact. As she did, the longing evolved into hunger and desire.
Desire?!?!
At that feeling, Jasper gasped, and all rational thought was lost. With a whimper of despair he pushed her away and frantically leapt over the bed, putting it between Alice and himself. He cowered in the corner against the far wall, hugging his knees and rocking slightly.
“No...please...not again...”
He shuddered, his mind far from the innocuous hotel room, sucked back to a hell he would never truly escape.
She had felt that way. It was the first thing he felt, the desire. The pure, raging lust that overpowered everything. Eventually the disgust would come, but he could hardly blame her for that. He was disgusting. She had never failed to tell him that. But it had been the desire that started it. Her desire, regardless of his own. Her needs. Her desires. And what she made him do...the shameful things...the painful things...and she had become so angry if he had protested...
“Please, don't hurt me again...” he begged his unseen abuser as his shoulders heaved with dry sobs. “Please, Maria...”
He felt hands take his own. He did not fight them. He could not fight her. She was too strong, and he would only end up with a punishment even worse than what he was protesting. He simply bit his teeth into his lip and tried to distance himself from the pain, as he had always done. He had to pretend it was happening to someone else, or he could not bear it. Sometimes this tactic even worked.
“Jasper?”
The voice was soft, concerned. Odd. He had never heard concern in her voice before.
He opened his eyes.
Black hair, red eyes, beautiful...but not Maria.
He sucked in a deep breath as his consciousness returned to the present.
Love. Concern. Tenderness. Fear. Worry.
The last two pierced his heart as he reached out to cup her cheek in his hand.
“Alice,” he said weakly.
“Who is Maria?” she asked softly, leaning her face into his hand.
He paled. He had not realized he had said her name.
“The vampire who changed me,” he said flatly as he stroked her cheek with his finger. So soft.
Alice didn't ask any more questions. She was nearly purring as he caressed her, and he felt her desire return. He sucked in a breath.
“You're afraid...” Alice said softly.
Jasper simply shrugged and turned away, ashamed of his response to her. He closed his eyes, leaned his head tiredly against the wall, clenched his knees to his chest, and mentally added this to his list of failures. He waited to hear the quickly fading footsteps and the slamming door that would mean she had left. Instead, he felt her pry his fingers one by one from his knees and snuggle in under his arm until her face was only inches from his own. He opened his eyes in shock. She nestled her face against his neck and wrapped an arm around his waist. He blinked, unsure of how to react. This tenderness was outside of his frame of reference. Timidly, tentatively, he curled his arm around her, watching her face and emotions for any signs of disgust. There were none. In fact, she cuddled closer to him, with a gentle sigh. Jasper closed his eyes, overwhelmed with emotion and whimpered slightly. He did not know how to deal with this. It frightened him almost more than Maria's cruelty, more than the vicious attacks of the newborns. Maria's cruelty had been deserved by his worthlessness; the vicious attacks of the newborns were part of war. Hatred could be matched by hatred, attacks with death, punishment with regret. But this...this new feeling...he did not know how to fight it. He knew it was undeserved. He knew that if Alice truly knew him, who he was, what he had done, she would not be lying curled across his chest so trustingly. And yet he could not find the strength to tell her the truth. Not yet.
Moments passed, hours perhaps. Her tenderness caused him grief, because he knew it could not last forever. But he concentrated on it, hoping that he could remember this bittersweet feeling in the empty days and years that were yet to come. Days and years that would be even emptier, now that he had held her in his arms.
Suddenly, she wiggled, pulled his shirt out from his pants, and moved to slide her hand underneath.
“Jasper...I want...”
His hand flew to stop hers, grasping it gently. He peered into her eyes, pleadingly.
“Please, don't...”
“Why?”
Because I don't want you to see the monster.
“Because...because...please no...”
“Jasper, don't you know that I love you? That nothing could change that?”
Jasper didn't answer. They were sweet, gentle words, but she had not seen how horrible he was under his shirt. He did not want to frighten her away.
Dear God, not yet. Don't take her from me yet.
To his surprise, she moved her hand.
He had said no, and she had listened. She had not continued on, despite his wishes. He had said no, and she had stopped. If he could, he would have cried. It was such a simple thing, but his heart clenched tightly at it. His wishes mattered to her.
“Alice...”
Emboldened by this, he placed his fingers gently under her chin, and tilted her face up to him. For a moment, he found himself lost in her eyes, but just for a moment. Led by his heart, he lowered his lips to hers, lightly at first, then deeper as he pulled her against him. He felt his own long buried desire grow as she returned his kiss. Absent was the powerlessness he felt when he was with Maria, the shame. He was in control right now. He could stop when he wished. It was empowering.
He felt his body respond to her as he kissed her, and abandoned her lips to trail kisses along her jawline. She was delicious, and he wanted her. A primal male part of him that had been long repressed surfaced. He wanted to claim her, make her his, give her so much pleasure that she would never leave. For that, he could give her. He could worship her body, make her tremble with delight, and perhaps that ecstasy could make up for the fact that he himself was unworthy of her.
It had been so long.
And even longer since he had enjoyed it.
He suddenly pulled away and stood. He crossed the room to turn off the lights. It made little difference to what they could or could not see, but Maria had always insisted that they perform in full light. It made his scars more apparent, and it was easier for her to show him how flawed and hideous he was. The shroud of darkness was comforting, even if only symbolic.
He returned to where she still sat on the floor, to where she had held him and pulled him from his ancient fear. He lifted her in his arms, kissing her deeply as she wrapped her legs around his waist.
His hands found the softness of her bottom, and he left them there as he sat on the bed, kneading her backside as he kissed her throat with increasing desperation. His hands slowly made their way to her hips, pushing her dress out of the way. Alice pulled back, grabbed her dress, and pulled it off over her head, baring herself to him as she looked at him in trusting innocence.
“Oh, God, Alice...” he said in a voice he hardly recognized as his own because it was so gruff and throaty. He had never seen anything in his life that came close to the beauty bared before him. He clenched his hand. A voice inside him begged him not to mar such beauty with his horror, but before he could answer it, Alice grasped his hand and placed it over her bare breast. He closed his eyes, swallowing, seeing and feeling too much for him to take. He caressed her tenderly, cupping and squeezing her perfect softness. He felt her respond, his own body tightening even more in return. He forced his eyes open, gazing at her in the pale light. He ran his hands up and down her sides, exploring her body with an infinite tenderness. He could not believe how soft she was, how receptive to his touch. It was like an electric spark every time he touched her. As his eyes met hers, he knew - and felt - that it was mutual.
He rolled them over so that he hovered above her, kissing her with increasing intensity. He felt free, in charge, and it gave him courage. He was not a victim having horrible things done to him, but a man, doing something he wanted to do. Pulling the covers over them so she could not see the scars that marred him, he freed himself from his pants, and tossed them onto the floor. He found confidence in the fact that she could not see his chest or legs, where so many of the scars were. He hoped the few scars on his face would not disgust her too much. He returned to her breasts, kneading them lovingly with his hands as he kissed her lips, deeper, and deeper still. He burned from within in a way that brought back distant memories of himself as a human in the days before Maria, when he had hungered for a woman’s touch, a woman’s softness. These were feelings he had been certain that Maria had killed forever.
But she had not. Alice was reawakening them, one by one. As his desire grew into a desperate need, he sent yet another prayer to God , thanking Him for giving him such a precious gift as Alice.
His lips trailed down her jaw, to her throat, and further still, replacing his hands at the soft mounds of her breasts. He took a swollen nipple in his mouth, suckling gently before pulling back and teasing it with the soft touch of his tongue. Alice clutched the bed sheets and arched her back, moaning his name in a way that made Jasper tremble with delight. Her desire hit him like a wave and he nearly lost control. He restrained himself from climaxing only by sheer willpower.
“I can't...I can't wait much longer...” he choked out through clenched teeth. He could not in his life remember being this aroused.
Alice simply nodded and pulled him up so she could kiss him on the lips. He kissed her hungrily and lifted her soft legs around him, making her his with a gentle yet passionate thrust. At the moment of their union, Jasper's mind exploded in feeling. Her emotions became indistinguishable from his own, and he could feel the pleasure caused by his desperate rhythm as well as that he received from it. He gasped and changed his position slightly to one that caused her more pleasure - he could feel that it did even before her cry reached his ears. They were one, physically, emotionally, spiritually...there was no denying it as he rocked gently into her. He knew what she wanted, for he could feel it. He knew what she needed, because he needed it too. Her desires were his own, her pleasures his own. It was a meeting of souls, and he had never felt anything more perfect.
Alice whimpered, nearing her final moments. Jasper swallowed, increasing his pace slightly, and opening himself to her entirely, letting her feel the joy and pleasure she was giving him. It was too much for Alice. Clenching her jaw, she gave a soft coo of delight, squeezing him tightly in her climax. Jasper outlasted her only by a moment. He buried his face against her shoulder, as he found his own release.
As soon as rational thought returned to Jasper, he rolled off of her, afraid to crush her. She was delicate and small, and he felt almost oafish next to her. He resisted pulling her into his arms, memories of Maria holding him back. No woman wished to hold him, to be reminded of the horrible creature she had been with, once her mind was freed from the heat of desire. So instead, he simply reached out and stroked her cheek with impossible softness, looking at her with adoration. She would leave soon, but he could not deny her that. She had given him so much more than he deserved, so much more than he expected.
She looked back at him and, to his confusion, closed the distance that separated them. She pressed her face into his shirt and curled up her knees so that he enveloped her entire tiny body.
“Hold me, Jasper...”
His arms were around her, cradling her, before he even had time to consider her request. He buried his face in her hair, breathing in the smell of her, mixed with the musk of their union. She wrapped an arm around his waist and sighed happily before planting a sweet, feathery kiss on his neck.
The emotions that came from her floored him. She felt safe, protected, happy. Cuddling him. She didn't want to leave. She wanted to stay, warm and safe in his arms.
And he felt love.
He bit his lower lip hard enough to leave a mark as his heart clenched.
Love.
How was it possible? How was it possible that she loved him - that anyone loved him? How was it possible that she didn't want to leave, that she wanted to stay here, in his arms? He began to tremble, and his eyes smarted with unshed tears. It was nearly more than he could bear. It made him feel dishonest, as if she had somehow misunderstood him, as if she had somehow thought him someone he was not. But he had not misled her, had he? He could not think of how he could have done so.
It is because she does not truly know me yet. Her love will fade when she discovers the monster.
It comforted him in a way, this thought that perhaps the earth had not, in fact, shifted on its axis. Though he could not deny the love that came from her now, she was simply mistaken in her emotions. In time she would come to her senses and realize what everyone else had realized - that he was unlovable. Then she would leave, and his world would regain balance and make sense again. And he, alone as always, would relive this night in the darkness to come, and remember the time when, for a moment, he had been loved.
And so he would treasure this moment while he could, holding her close, memorizing forever the feel of her snuggled in his embrace.
Alice shifted in his arms, nestling closer to him. He buried himself in her emotions, an action that to him was just as intimate as when he had earlier found solace and joy in her body. He reveled in the contentment and love he found there, letting it surround him like a cocoon he shared only with her.
For the moment, it pushed away his darkness, banishing it to the shadows.
For now.
But for now, it was enough.