A love like Snow
Fic: A love like snow
Author: Samaya
Pairing: Jared/Jensen, Jensen/Danneel
Warning: Angst, infidelity, non-au
Word Count: 1100
Summary: In the summer snow disappears, turns into water. Jared wonders how it feels.
Author’s Notes: I felt like writing something sad and angsty. This is the result.
Jared loves snow.
That's one of the reasons he likes Canada.
Well, it sucks while he has to work in a freezing temperature, but he can tolerate cold if it means that snow is there. Thats a contradiction and doesn't make sense even in his head. Still snow is beautiful, like something out of this world, like something pure, like light. Its something which attracts Jared.
Like Jensen.
But snow is also fragile, it cant stand the heat of sun, it changes its form when exposed to sunlight.
Like Jensen's love seems to be these days.
He thinks of the days when all Jensen could see was him, all Jensen could want was him. It was a heady experience, being the focus of his undivided attention.
But that's not the case now.
It was Jared's fault, to some extent.( But that's not completely true, isn't it?)
Getting married was his idea. He had met Gen in season 4, and had liked her. Not loved her, but liked her. She knew the deal, knew that Jensen would be there in their life, would be there in their marriage. A silent third partner. He is not sure why she said yes, but it was done.
He remembers telling Jensen the news. He was on his back, eyes closed, still breathing fast from latest orgasm. He couldn't open his eyes and look at those green eyes to see the disappointment in them. So he had told Jensen like that, like a coward and Jensen hadn't said anything for a long time. Then he had congratulated Jared.
There were never any declarations of undying love between them. Not verbally, anyway. They were best of the friends and occasional fuck buddies. The first part acknowledged to the world and second hidden from almost everyone.
Now when he looks back, Jared can see how Jensen wanted them to be more. There were clues everywhere, signs which he had ignored flashing now in front of his eyes.
A late night suggestion of coming out and getting married, whispered after too many drinks. A casual remark of how their careers wont suffer much. A flicker of jealousy when Gen kissed him. But nothing outright, nothing obvious.
Jensen never operated like that. And Jared didn't decode the language till it was too late.
Jensen had proposed to Danneel, his long term friend, later. She had said yes.
There was never a chance of her refusing, Jared had seen the love that shone from her eyes. She was ready to take whatever part she get, however small it was.
The sense of the loss that engulfed Jared at their wedding was both alien and terrifying. But he had thought it as a passing thing, had thought that he would adapt to the change sooner rather than later.
There was never any discussion on the subject, like who is spending what amount of time with whom, no calculations on the internal workings of the relationship.
Both Gen and Danneel knew the score, and Jared was glad for that. They all were good friends and for a while everything was good.
He had thought of it as a good arrangement, a good situation.
Jared could be so stupid sometimes, especially in these things.
He has fallen for Jensen, more and more in the following years. It was impossible not to. May be Jared had become more mature, may be he finally understood what he wanted for himself, may be it was always there and only now he acknowledged it even to himself.
May be Jared wants that love now cause its forbidden now, something he wont get anymore.
"We need to stop this" Jensen had said in their previous encounter, standing in front of Jared's room, half inside and half outside, his posture so much screaming Dean.
Jared hadn't replied. He knew it was coming from a long time, Jensen will always be conflicted in this, something deep inside him resenting the idea of a husband cheating on his wife, going behind her back. It was not cheating, all parties involved had given consent, but that hadn't registered to Jensen on some subconscious level.
Jared had yanked Jensen inside, had silenced him with furious kisses, unwilling to comprehend the idea, unwilling to face the reality. Jensen had fucked him, urgent and impatient like he was trying to crawl inside Jared and never come out again. It had felt more like being in the center of a storm, like Jensen was trying to keep himself together from falling apart.
Jared had understood.
Jensen was like his rock, something definite, something solid, something set in his ways. Something on which Jared had always depended. Something which was there for him to fall back when he needed shelter, when he needed the comfort. Something unchangeable.
But Jared had forgotten that water cuts rock, had forgotten that it carves the stone.
She was like water.
He doesn't know when Jensen started gravitating towards her more, when he started looking at her the with love he only reserved for Jared, but it had happened. Gradually and definitely. He doesn't know if it was before or after the baby, doesn't know when the change occurred. But it had occurred.
He doesn't know when Jensen started finding solace in her, when he started to depend on her seeking shelter, doesn't know when he lowered his walls.
That Jensen is vulnerable, that Jensen is defenseless and Jared would never know that man.
Only she will.
He cant blame her. She never blamed him when she was in his shoes, never tried to distract Jensen, never tried to keep him for herself.
He cant blame Jensen. For all intent and purposes there was never anything more between them, never vocalized. Not a promise, not a vow, nothing definite on which Jensen could go on.
Like a Greek tragedy, after facing the possibility of not having Jensen again, Jared realizes how much he loved him. But now the time had passed and he cant turn back.
He isn't that selfish. He could spare Jensen.
"You always say that" Jared had said, trying to make a joke.
"No, Jared. I don't" Jensen's voice was like cold water.
Jensen had chosen to live near Jared, may be to provide assurance that they are still friends, may be he genuinely likes living near him.
For Jared it was more like a torture, like a punishment designed by a devious mind.
But Jared is a great actor, he can get through this.
"He will be a part of my life, always" Jensen had said somewhere, answering a question.
But not in the way Jared wants. The friendship is there, will always be there, for Jensen is loyal. But it isn't enough for Jared, not now, not anymore.
It looks like finally summer had come, sun shining out of the clouds.
Snow will disappear in that.
For some reason, the water looks like tears to Jared, unshed and unseen.
Author: Samaya
Pairing: Jared/Jensen, Jensen/Danneel
Warning: Angst, infidelity, non-au
Word Count: 1100
Summary: In the summer snow disappears, turns into water. Jared wonders how it feels.
Author’s Notes: I felt like writing something sad and angsty. This is the result.
Jared loves snow.
That's one of the reasons he likes Canada.
Well, it sucks while he has to work in a freezing temperature, but he can tolerate cold if it means that snow is there. Thats a contradiction and doesn't make sense even in his head. Still snow is beautiful, like something out of this world, like something pure, like light. Its something which attracts Jared.
Like Jensen.
But snow is also fragile, it cant stand the heat of sun, it changes its form when exposed to sunlight.
Like Jensen's love seems to be these days.
He thinks of the days when all Jensen could see was him, all Jensen could want was him. It was a heady experience, being the focus of his undivided attention.
But that's not the case now.
It was Jared's fault, to some extent.( But that's not completely true, isn't it?)
Getting married was his idea. He had met Gen in season 4, and had liked her. Not loved her, but liked her. She knew the deal, knew that Jensen would be there in their life, would be there in their marriage. A silent third partner. He is not sure why she said yes, but it was done.
He remembers telling Jensen the news. He was on his back, eyes closed, still breathing fast from latest orgasm. He couldn't open his eyes and look at those green eyes to see the disappointment in them. So he had told Jensen like that, like a coward and Jensen hadn't said anything for a long time. Then he had congratulated Jared.
There were never any declarations of undying love between them. Not verbally, anyway. They were best of the friends and occasional fuck buddies. The first part acknowledged to the world and second hidden from almost everyone.
Now when he looks back, Jared can see how Jensen wanted them to be more. There were clues everywhere, signs which he had ignored flashing now in front of his eyes.
A late night suggestion of coming out and getting married, whispered after too many drinks. A casual remark of how their careers wont suffer much. A flicker of jealousy when Gen kissed him. But nothing outright, nothing obvious.
Jensen never operated like that. And Jared didn't decode the language till it was too late.
Jensen had proposed to Danneel, his long term friend, later. She had said yes.
There was never a chance of her refusing, Jared had seen the love that shone from her eyes. She was ready to take whatever part she get, however small it was.
The sense of the loss that engulfed Jared at their wedding was both alien and terrifying. But he had thought it as a passing thing, had thought that he would adapt to the change sooner rather than later.
There was never any discussion on the subject, like who is spending what amount of time with whom, no calculations on the internal workings of the relationship.
Both Gen and Danneel knew the score, and Jared was glad for that. They all were good friends and for a while everything was good.
He had thought of it as a good arrangement, a good situation.
Jared could be so stupid sometimes, especially in these things.
He has fallen for Jensen, more and more in the following years. It was impossible not to. May be Jared had become more mature, may be he finally understood what he wanted for himself, may be it was always there and only now he acknowledged it even to himself.
May be Jared wants that love now cause its forbidden now, something he wont get anymore.
"We need to stop this" Jensen had said in their previous encounter, standing in front of Jared's room, half inside and half outside, his posture so much screaming Dean.
Jared hadn't replied. He knew it was coming from a long time, Jensen will always be conflicted in this, something deep inside him resenting the idea of a husband cheating on his wife, going behind her back. It was not cheating, all parties involved had given consent, but that hadn't registered to Jensen on some subconscious level.
Jared had yanked Jensen inside, had silenced him with furious kisses, unwilling to comprehend the idea, unwilling to face the reality. Jensen had fucked him, urgent and impatient like he was trying to crawl inside Jared and never come out again. It had felt more like being in the center of a storm, like Jensen was trying to keep himself together from falling apart.
Jared had understood.
Jensen was like his rock, something definite, something solid, something set in his ways. Something on which Jared had always depended. Something which was there for him to fall back when he needed shelter, when he needed the comfort. Something unchangeable.
But Jared had forgotten that water cuts rock, had forgotten that it carves the stone.
She was like water.
He doesn't know when Jensen started gravitating towards her more, when he started looking at her the with love he only reserved for Jared, but it had happened. Gradually and definitely. He doesn't know if it was before or after the baby, doesn't know when the change occurred. But it had occurred.
He doesn't know when Jensen started finding solace in her, when he started to depend on her seeking shelter, doesn't know when he lowered his walls.
That Jensen is vulnerable, that Jensen is defenseless and Jared would never know that man.
Only she will.
He cant blame her. She never blamed him when she was in his shoes, never tried to distract Jensen, never tried to keep him for herself.
He cant blame Jensen. For all intent and purposes there was never anything more between them, never vocalized. Not a promise, not a vow, nothing definite on which Jensen could go on.
Like a Greek tragedy, after facing the possibility of not having Jensen again, Jared realizes how much he loved him. But now the time had passed and he cant turn back.
He isn't that selfish. He could spare Jensen.
"You always say that" Jared had said, trying to make a joke.
"No, Jared. I don't" Jensen's voice was like cold water.
Jensen had chosen to live near Jared, may be to provide assurance that they are still friends, may be he genuinely likes living near him.
For Jared it was more like a torture, like a punishment designed by a devious mind.
But Jared is a great actor, he can get through this.
"He will be a part of my life, always" Jensen had said somewhere, answering a question.
But not in the way Jared wants. The friendship is there, will always be there, for Jensen is loyal. But it isn't enough for Jared, not now, not anymore.
It looks like finally summer had come, sun shining out of the clouds.
Snow will disappear in that.
For some reason, the water looks like tears to Jared, unshed and unseen.