I do!
So, the imminence (and eminence) of recieving my good friends wedding invitiation in the mail (congraduatltions rhiannon!), has gotten the blob between my ears to finally turn over, albeit with the hacking sputter of archie's jalopy...with very few exceptions, my romantic life has been a withered little vestigial organ. At one point, it was supposed to have a purpose, and at some points it has become a fully oxygenated, pulsating organ (ew), but by and large it is ignored altogether or, at best, exists only for entertainment's sake.
That's not to say that I haven't been graced with the presence of some fantastic guys, whom I truly appreciate, though probably not as much as I should have at the time. Often I dropped the ball on the good ones, and held onto it when I should have flung it across the room with the bad ones. Lets face it, observational data can only go so far when assessing people, and sometimes I wish they were like my old friend e. coli, with quantifiable traits that can be given priority and can be statistically assessed...but I guess that would take away the fun of finding out that your significant other has a penchant for threesomes while blacked out on alcohol, or a tendency to leave sweet, unnecessary notes on the keyboard of your laptop. When I can't use the scientific method and instead have to resort to trial and error, I get frustrated...maybe I overly sanitize romance? Who knows.
It doesn't help that my default mode is "single"... I fiercely protect my independence, and I've learned that if I'm not completely amped on someone, I shouldn't date them. I usually end up getting bored or annoyed, being inconsiderate, etc.
Case and point, Boring Guy.
**BEGIN SIDE RANT**
While most of you were lucky enough never met Boring Guy, with the exception of those who were in attendance of my brothers graduation party last May.... I have to say, I must have been out of my mind. He was a very nice guy, but really... never in my life have I met someone so characterless. My brother was beside himself with how ridiculous he was, and right then and there I realized I could never bring home such a boring person to my family. They would eat him alive. Thus the vow to never date another guy without an eccentric personality.
**END SIDE RANT**
I am fully aware of that and how unfair it is, as I'm not good at feigning interest, and it doesn't take much for me to move someone from the "possible dating?" category to the "good friends, but don't feel comfortable dating because of x, y, and/or z" category...am I being overly picky? Maybe...unrealistic? Very possibly. It's odd, the things that I find excusable or that I find deal breakers...thankfully, those are changing.
Throughout my 10 agonizing years in the blood splattered "field," (I mean, really... is anything before 17 actually "dating".... sheesh even at 22 are you in a state of actual awareness to the dating ritual??) I've compiled an ever changing list of preferences and non-negotiables...to quote Ferris Bueller, it may be "a little childish and stupid," but compiling an actual list can give focus and act as a reminder to keep standards high. I've ignored the list before, sometimes to disastrous results (Mr. Miami.) Many of the items seem to be common sense, but may be very easy to overlook when looking through the bottom of a beer bottle at someone who reads something other than Chuck Palahniuk.
So, let's get the patheticness that is my now standards out of the way:
Non-negotiables:
Sense of humor: slightly silly, witty, not overly spiteful but a good dose of sarcasmn.
Monty Python meets Larry David. Witty banter is a must.
Passive aggression is a deal breaker. I'm not at all shy about calling people out on this. If you're a passive aggressive adult male: your balls: let them drop, please.
Reverse psychology receives the same treatment as passive aggression, only with more eye rolling.
Intelligent! Especially if they can teach me something. Mental stimulation is just as good as physical and can create socially acceptable foreplay in public, who doesn't want that?
Security in themselves, their nerdiness, their looks, etc...not to be confused with cockiness, which I generally interpret as a protective blanket thrown over some deep seated insecurities. Spending 2 hours doing your hair or projecting an überhip persona 24/7 indicates an extreme concern for what others think. The personality quirks, physical individualities, and characteristic peculiarities are the most endearing and memorable aspects of a person.
Doesn't cuddle/kiss/etc. with female friends. Maybe I just don't understand, since my platonic male friends and I don't spoon on the couch so I have a hard time excusing that in others. (with the exception of a small three year window when I spooned with Chad. But that was in hopes that during said spooing he would magically not be gay and realize he is head over heels in love with me.)
Lack of cowardice. In the venn diagram of these traits, this one would be a nearly all encompassing circle, the root of 99% of the problems I have with guys. People lie, cheat, dance around important issues, lash out, etc. because they're afraid. I can't love someone I don't respect, and I can't respect someone who I think is a coward. There's a difference between being sensitive and tactful and hiding behind bitterness because you don't have the spine to handle confrontation (and the goal of resolution)...the people that I've dated who I have the utmost respect for may have broken my heart, but at least they threw a punch from the front instead of stabbing in the back.
And now for some ridiculousness, because no matter how much people like to think they don't have the image of the ideal person in their head, we all do. Often said ideals in a person are not what we really need, but are often just what we would like. And thats ok. So, here are mine.
Preferences:
Sense of style.
Taller than myself
Preferably not an anarchist. If so, must be an anarchist that reads locke and rousseau in addition to xeroxed 'zines...must also understand that 99% of adbusters magazine consists of glorified editorials...must "practice what they preach"...must understand that taxes pay for roads, mooching off friends isn't considered squatting, and that people whose level of involvement stops at playing shows and writing 'zines are the equivalent of christians who build megachurches, not shelters, with donations and hand out bibles, not food, to people in developing nations...so, yeah, no anarchists.
Dances in public. Shut it.
Picky eaters over the age of 5 shouldn't exist unless they have special dietary needs. The end.
Enjoys traveling and random day trips/road trips/adventures.
Not in a band. This one teeters on the preference-nonnegotiable edge. I'd dealt with this beast before. As much as I'd love a guy who is gone 4+ months out of the year and is constantly surrounded by barely legal scene girls who would suck their dick for a story to tell at the city's next 80's dance night, I think i'll pass.
In conclusion, my ideal guy and relationship looks something like this:
That's not to say that I haven't been graced with the presence of some fantastic guys, whom I truly appreciate, though probably not as much as I should have at the time. Often I dropped the ball on the good ones, and held onto it when I should have flung it across the room with the bad ones. Lets face it, observational data can only go so far when assessing people, and sometimes I wish they were like my old friend e. coli, with quantifiable traits that can be given priority and can be statistically assessed...but I guess that would take away the fun of finding out that your significant other has a penchant for threesomes while blacked out on alcohol, or a tendency to leave sweet, unnecessary notes on the keyboard of your laptop. When I can't use the scientific method and instead have to resort to trial and error, I get frustrated...maybe I overly sanitize romance? Who knows.
It doesn't help that my default mode is "single"... I fiercely protect my independence, and I've learned that if I'm not completely amped on someone, I shouldn't date them. I usually end up getting bored or annoyed, being inconsiderate, etc.
Case and point, Boring Guy.
**BEGIN SIDE RANT**
While most of you were lucky enough never met Boring Guy, with the exception of those who were in attendance of my brothers graduation party last May.... I have to say, I must have been out of my mind. He was a very nice guy, but really... never in my life have I met someone so characterless. My brother was beside himself with how ridiculous he was, and right then and there I realized I could never bring home such a boring person to my family. They would eat him alive. Thus the vow to never date another guy without an eccentric personality.
**END SIDE RANT**
I am fully aware of that and how unfair it is, as I'm not good at feigning interest, and it doesn't take much for me to move someone from the "possible dating?" category to the "good friends, but don't feel comfortable dating because of x, y, and/or z" category...am I being overly picky? Maybe...unrealistic? Very possibly. It's odd, the things that I find excusable or that I find deal breakers...thankfully, those are changing.
Throughout my 10 agonizing years in the blood splattered "field," (I mean, really... is anything before 17 actually "dating".... sheesh even at 22 are you in a state of actual awareness to the dating ritual??) I've compiled an ever changing list of preferences and non-negotiables...to quote Ferris Bueller, it may be "a little childish and stupid," but compiling an actual list can give focus and act as a reminder to keep standards high. I've ignored the list before, sometimes to disastrous results (Mr. Miami.) Many of the items seem to be common sense, but may be very easy to overlook when looking through the bottom of a beer bottle at someone who reads something other than Chuck Palahniuk.
So, let's get the patheticness that is my now standards out of the way:
Non-negotiables:
Monty Python meets Larry David. Witty banter is a must.
And now for some ridiculousness, because no matter how much people like to think they don't have the image of the ideal person in their head, we all do. Often said ideals in a person are not what we really need, but are often just what we would like. And thats ok. So, here are mine.
Preferences:
In conclusion, my ideal guy and relationship looks something like this:
