(no subject)
We can’t return; we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game
Well it must be almost a month since I last updated... I've been putting it off until I feel sufficiently back to normal to post here without worrying about hurting anyone.
A disclaimer before I start - I realize that most of my entries from the past two few months have been on the same subject. But you know what, it's what I've been thinking about, because it's what's been hurting me. When I'm being hurt, I'm going to write about it. And when I'm happy, I'm going to write about that too. So deal with it. :-P
So Amy and I broke up again, and this time it's for good. The strange thing was that this time it barely hurt me (at least that's what I thought at the time). It was a nice, mutual breakup - we both agreed that it just wasn't working for either of us anymore. She has changed - a few months ago she was the type who would have worked to solve any problems we had, because the good parts of our relationship were definitely worth salvaging. And I do believe we could have done it. I'm still a problem solver - I would have stayed with her indefinitely and tried to work things out. But now that she hasn't let me do that, I don't regret the decision that much. It feels wrong, because I still love her, but in a way that's making this all easier on me: we're both happier this way.
Well, that's what I thought until I saw her last Friday. I don't know what happened, but I just fell apart. I started crying at math team and left, faking some excuse about tennis practice. Next day at the tournament - the same thing, but to a lesser extent. Both times, though, the mere sight of her filled me with an irrational but total hatred for both her and myself. It wore off a couple of hours later, but it was terrible, and I was scared at how vulnerable I obviously was. I don't understand yet quite why that happened, but I think it's all better now - I've seen her several times since and I've been fine.
I waited until today to write about all this in my journal because today is the first day that I've felt properly healed. I accidentally read one of her happy journal entries from the first few months of our relationship, and instead of tears coming to my eyes as usual, I actually felt happy. I will look back at my first love as a positive thing, and that's what's important.
I just hope Amy's all right. She's lapsed into depression again - I think that's really what caused all of this. Poor girl :-( I love you.
I love all my friends. You guys are incredible :-)
I love people.
Too much silence can be misleading
You're drifting I can hear it in the way that you're breathing
We don't really need to find reason
cause out the same door that it came well it's leaving
It's leaving
Leaving like a day that's done and part of a season
Resolve is just a concept that's as dead as the leaves
But at least we could sleep, it's all that we need
When we wake we would find, our minds would be free
To go to sleep
and know that if I knew all of the answers
I would not hold them from you
Know all of things that I know
cause we told each other there is no other way