(no subject)
I haven't posted about Facebook in a while but I have, in fact, been maintaining a Facebook fast. After the first few grueling days of withdrawal it got much easier. I did this thing where I'd log in several times a day to see what I was missing -- and then I'd deactivate my account. Not simply log out, no. I deactivated. Every day. Sometimes repeatedly. Do I even need mention how idiotic my fourteen-year-old found this? But then teenagers are not strongest at empathizing with their mothers. She can't really understand my dependencies and addictions.
So. I got myself weaned and after not all that long I found that it was a relief. A relief not to need to check in. A relief not to be listening to the sound of my own voice making public statements. It was also strange to keep reading posts voyeuristically and not comment on them at all. Not even like things that I genuinely liked. Or that made me laugh. Nothing.
A friend posted that she needed help in an emergency and I wrote back that I could help her, my only break from the fast. That was two days ago.
Then today I made my first comment. I posted it and scurried away. When I came back, there was the flash of red at the top of my screen -- a notification! Someone liked my comment! This shit goes right to the back of the brain, a drug.
But I still don't want to go back in full. I can resist. Or rather, it's not resisting that much because something has shifted. So many of the posts I read hit me all wrong. They seem like posturing or trumpeting. I don't think they are, truly, but that's how they sound, in the way a party can seem hideously false when you're sitting outside it.
Oh, but that flash of red. It all came back. That's the dopamine hit that keeps people hooked. I think I'll go have a cookie.
So. I got myself weaned and after not all that long I found that it was a relief. A relief not to need to check in. A relief not to be listening to the sound of my own voice making public statements. It was also strange to keep reading posts voyeuristically and not comment on them at all. Not even like things that I genuinely liked. Or that made me laugh. Nothing.
A friend posted that she needed help in an emergency and I wrote back that I could help her, my only break from the fast. That was two days ago.
Then today I made my first comment. I posted it and scurried away. When I came back, there was the flash of red at the top of my screen -- a notification! Someone liked my comment! This shit goes right to the back of the brain, a drug.
But I still don't want to go back in full. I can resist. Or rather, it's not resisting that much because something has shifted. So many of the posts I read hit me all wrong. They seem like posturing or trumpeting. I don't think they are, truly, but that's how they sound, in the way a party can seem hideously false when you're sitting outside it.
Oh, but that flash of red. It all came back. That's the dopamine hit that keeps people hooked. I think I'll go have a cookie.