[FIC] Star Trek: What We Need to See [7/8] (Kirk/Bones, R)
Title: What We Need to See [7/8]
Authors: salvaged_pride and sullacat
Artist: gadgetorious
Fanmixer: dizilla
Beta: shinychimera
Series: Star Trek XI
Characters/Pairings: Kirk/McCoy
Rating: R
Chapter Word Count: 5078 out of 42601
Summary: Jim is everything he needs to be when he's sent on a diplomatic mission to meet a potential new addition to the Federation - charming, calm, convincing - especially with his CMO at his side to back him up. But when Jim, Bones, and their security team wake up in the depths of an alien jungle and are given a mission to succeed or die, they'll need not only to survive, but come to terms with their true feelings for each other. Will it destroy their friendship or save them both?
Is it enough to teach Jim and Bones what they have been blind to - that sometimes there's more than just meets the eye, and the loss of one's world can lead to another?
<< Chapter 6 | Main Chapter Listing | Chapter 8 >>
The Art | The Mix
Hours later Bones was finally back in his office, catching a very late lunch. There had been no time for breakfast as reports of a problem floated up from the depths of the science labs, followed by rumors that some chemicals had spilled, ending with a panicked patients brought up to Sickbay. The morning had become chaos after that, trying to unstick seven crewman, ensigns, and a crabby lieutenant from the expanding, incredibly sticky foam-gel substance they had managed to create. It had taken over one of the rooms in the labs before someone had gotten the bright idea to lock the room down, and when it had finally stopped expanding, those trapped inside had to be cut out with phasers.
It had been a race against time to keep carving off chunks of whatever it was so it didn't take over Sickbay. They cut away the people from each other so they could be treated and medical and science joined forces to figure out how to stop the newly created substance from expanding and sticking to everything it touched.
After taking a fast shower in Sickbay to rid himself of the reek of the chemicals, all Bones wanted was something to eat, and a drink or two from the bottle he kept in the bottom drawer of his desk.
If he could manage it, maybe even a nap.
What he wasn't expecting was the steady beep of his comm going off. After picking it up and flicking it open, he stood shocked at the name- Cpt. Kirk, James T. -on the screen. Was the Captain looking for a report on what had happened in Sickbay? "Doctor McCoy here," he answered more formally than normal.
"..." There was a long enough silence that Bones frowned, opening his mouth to say Jim's name when suddenly, "Report to my quarters." The communication terminated after that. Bones wasn't sure what he was more confused about - the sudden order to report to Jim's room, or the strange tone of Jim's voice. Unsure what to expect, he grabbed his medical kit and headed to Jim's room, moving fast down the corridor.
He didn't stop until he stood in front of the door, waiting to be let in. The doors slid open, and Bones stepped inside, a tight feeling inside him at being back here after all that happened. The tight feeling only got worse when he looked around.
The entire room was a disaster. Books were pulled from the shelves, the sheets were off the bed, clothing everywhere. It looked like a tornado had swept through. There in the center of it all, sitting on the edge of the bed, was Jim. He was bent over, staring down at his feet flat on the floor, arms laying across his thighs.
Bones took another step into the room, trying to assess the situation, then walked over to the bed. "Jim?" Kneeling on the ground in front of Jim, Bones said his name again, making sure Jim knew he was there before reaching over to touch his shoulder. "Hey, what's going on?" he asked, trying to sound calmer than he felt.
Jim looked up, or at least his head came up. He blinked once, then said quietly, "I can't find it."
Something was wrong. Very wrong. In the four years Bones had known the man in front of him, he hadn't ever seen him like this- like all the life had been drained from him. "Can't find what, Jim?" Bones asked, talking low and quiet, like he was calming a spooked animal. "Maybe I can help."
There was a far longer silence before Jim's brows furrowed together, and he shook his head. "...I can't remember. I can't..." His voice trailed off, and his hands moved to link together, wringing each other.
"Tell me what you were doing, maybe we can figure it out." This wasn't Bones being Jim's doctor right now, this was something deeper. The way Jim sat on the bed, his slouched position, the room looking torn apart... Bones was scared. "Tell me what's going on right now, in here," he asked quietly, fingers stroking Jim's temple gently.
"Nothing," was the first answered, followed quickly on its heels by, "Everything." Jim's fingers flexed, tightened under the knuckles were white.
"Jim, did something happen this morning?" Bones asked, sitting down next to Jim, trying just to provide some sort of support. He knew the worst thing he could do with right now was push this too fast.
"No."
Okay. "You got anywhere you need to be right now?" Bones reached down and picked up the bed pillows from the ground, pulling up the sheets and gathering them on the bed. "Maybe we can just sit here for a while and talk."
"...No. Off-duty." Which wasn't true, there were still a few hours of alpha shift left.
That was worrisome. "Will you take off your boots, lay back and get comfortable?" Bones straightened out the blanket as quietly as he could, remembering how angry Jim got when it looked like Bones was doing things for him. "Been a long day, I'd like to get off my feet as well."
Jim didn't move though, still staring downwards. His eyes closed and he sagged a little more. "Bones, it's been a week. I still can't see." There was a tightness in his voice, a little higher than normal.
His hand was up, touching Jim's face gently before Bones could stop himself. Tilting Jim's face slightly upward, he felt his heart beating fast in his chest, despite the knot in his stomach. "Gimme a little more time, Jim. You're doing so well." When Jim didn't pull away he continued, his thumb rubbing small circles along Jim's jawline. "You can't know how proud I am of you, how well you're doing right now."
Jim's face twisted, something heart breaking in the pain and anger that was there. "Stop it!" He jerked his chin back, eyes squeezed shut. "Stop pitying me like this! I don't need it!"
Bones took a deep breath, fist falling into the pillow, frustrated. "I'm not pitying you, Jim, I'm trying- fuck, I'm trying to be close to you, try to help anyway I can, because yes, you do need some help right now." He stood, took a few steps, rubbing his forehead. "And if you need help, I want-" I wanna be the one to help you. "Needing someone right now does not make you weak."
"BULLSHIT!" Jim's voice rang in echo at the edges of the room. "All those years, all those years where you told me to back off, that you didn't want anything until this happened," his hand gave a wild wave in front of his eyes, "then, just then, you decide to let me fuck you?! I don't need that pity from you, especially from you." His fingers tightened so hard his knuckles cracked.
Then Jim went still, silent, and looking almost horrified. He stood up all at once, fingernails scraping over his scalp until he was holding a chunk of his hair, head bent forward, as he turned away from Bones.
Bones froze at the words, still as a statue. Was that what Jim thought? That all of this, all the time they'd spent together, getting closer and then finally being together - Jim thought it was pity? "Let you... you think I let you fuck me because of that?" Oh no, no... things started clicking into place, making sense in Bones' head. The one thing Jim never accepted was pity. "I don't know which one of us is the bigger idiot..."
Jim just stood there, broken and in pieces and pushing him away, all because of a misunderstanding, a fucking huge one. Because they never talked. So Bones walked in front of him, his heart aching at the pained look on Jim's face, and all of a sudden he wondered why it had been so hard before, to tell Jim how he felt. All the reasons before, his own fear and jealousy, falling away at the idea of losing this fragile thing they had in their hands.
Large, cool hands held Jim's face up to his, and Bones looked into those sightless eyes, still bright and shining despite their emptiness. "I almost lost you," he whispered, their faces close together. "You could have died down there, without you ever knowing-" Bones' hands slid further back, cupping Jim's head, and his voice dropped even further down. "-Without knowing how much I- I need you." Feeling Jim shaking slightly in his arms, he brushed their lips together softly, feeling warm breath on his lips. "I need you, Jim."
Jim shook his head, eyes squeezing shut. "You didn't before, Bones. You didn't..." He was stiff where he stood, like a piece of brittle glass about to shatter at the slightest jar. Jim, who never reached out to another person but constantly seemed to keep them close, within touching distance, as if that was enough. They were both the same in their stubbornness, both more than a little broken by their pasts and glued back together with their own will power and help from each other.
"I did," Bones told him, warmth and affection rounding out his voice. "I do, more than you know. I was afraid of it, Jim. Afraid of needing you, afraid that you wouldn't want any more than a fuck when I wanted so much more." Bones suspected everyone on board knew how he felt about his captain, that it was more than mere friendship that bound them together. But he wasn't sure there was anyway he could convince Jim of that right now. "Shouldn't have taken something like this happening for me to tell you, but it did, and I'm sorry." He sighed, their foreheads touching. "Please sit down, Jim. Just... sit with me."
Sightless eyes opened, narrow, squeezed shut again. "I don't like doing this without being able to see you," Jim said roughly, but he sat down. Without seeing expression, the only clues Bones could use to make Jim understand were his touches and his words.
So Bones sat next to him, lifting Jim's hands to his own face, his fingers covering Jim's as he felt them tighten on his skin. "I'm right here, just me. You know me better than anyone... what more do you need to see?"
Jim's thumb moved lightly across his cheek bone before he pulled his hand back. He was silent, lips parting then shutting as if he struggled to find the right words. Then he sighed, rubbing under his nose. "You don't say what your eyes say, all right?"
It did make sense, in a 'them' sort of way. Trusted each other with their lives but not their hearts. "Okay, Jim," Bones told him. "That's fair. I made you wait, guess I don't mind waiting a little longer, 'til I get your eyes straightened out. And I am gonna get your eyes fixed, I promise you that." Another soft kiss, then one more to Jim's forehead and Bones stood, looking around the scattered room. "You feel like resting for a while, or should we see if we can find what you were looking for?"
But Jim was looking in his direction with an odd expression on his face. "Wait? For what?"
"For you to believe me," Bones told him, bending down to pick up some books, re-shelve them. "For you to see. For you to want to be with me again. Take your pick." Gathering the padds on the floor, he tossed them on Jim's desk before sitting back down on the edge of Jim's bed.
"And if it never comes back?" Jim's voice had gone blank again, but there was something different in how he held himself than when Bones had come in.
"Then I'll have to win you over the hard way, with my charm," he told Jim, gruff and affectionate and familiar, as Jim's datapad made a chirping noise. "Let's hope it doesn't come to that." With his joke, he saw Jim relax a little and was glad at least he could do something right.
His own communicator made a similar beep, an alarm reminding him of their meeting regarding the treaty signing. "We need to get to that planning meeting. You remember what it was you were looking for?" he asked.
Jim breathed out, closing his eyes. "A gift. I wanted to give Ruud a gift. From me... from us. To thank him."
Trust Jim to think of something like that. "That's a good idea." Taking a step closer to Jim, he asked, "Can you remember what it was?"
There was a frustrated sound from Jim, turning his head in Bones' direction. "I don't know. I couldn't think of something, it feels like I can't even remember what's in my room."
Bones looked around at the room, Jim's possessions still askew. "I can go over the things in here with you later if you want, after the meeting."
"...Okay." Jim stood up, a stiffness in his body that just didn't look right on him. He rubbed at an eye, then with caution in his voice, asked, "Do you see a PADD on the floor that's still lit up? I was using it when I decided to find a gift." Bones looked at Jim, could see it on his face the simple frustration at having to ask for help for something so simple. He wondered what it was that set Jim off exactly, tearing apart the room in a frenzied state, if the mess was any indication.
"Yeah, got it here," Bones said, putting it in his hand. "C'mon, Jim, let's go." Bones held out his arm for Jim to take, and they slowly made their way out the door.
The meeting dragged on longer than it should have. Any notion or suggestion Jim brought up in the name of the treaty with the Tuatarans, Admiral Fersen shot down or debated. There was obvious tension between the Admiral and the Captain, and while Jim was clearly frustrated even as he visibly kept his calm, there was something more that Bones couldn't put a finger on. Jim's head kept swiveling back and forth, his eyes going wide, then narrowing, then closing and opening quickly or slowly.
If someone could fidget with their eyes, that was what Jim was doing. Under normal circumstances, Jim was the kind of person to look someone dead in the eyes until he got his point across or the other person looked away.
So what was going on?
"Doctor?"
Bones looked up to see everyone looking at him. "Pardon," he said apologetically. "Can you repeat that?"
Spock managed an irritated smugness that somehow remained professional at the same time. "I asked if you understood your particular role in the ceremony."
"I'm supposed to sit to the left of the Speaker and try not to say anything embarrassing."
The pleased look on the Vulcan's face shouldn't have been as amusing but there was something endearing about it. "Precisely." Tapping on the console in front of him, the image on the wall viewer went blank. "That concludes this meeting. Until tomorrow," he added, looking at everyone in the room as he stood, his eyes lingering a moment longer on Jim - did he see it too?
Bones saw Jim standing, holding the table with one hand for support and made his way there as quickly as he could without appearing obvious. "Everything okay there?" he asked, mindful of the group slowly exiting the room.
Jim's head turn in his direction, and he shook his head. "I don't know but.... I think..."
"You think what?" Bones asked in a low voice, full of concern and worry.
"I think I see a spot."
"A spot- a spot of... light?" Was that it? Something breaking through the darkness?
Jim made a frustrated sound. "I don't know. I can't tell if its one of the colors I keep seeing because of my head or it really is a spot but there's something there!"
"Shhh," Bones made a gentle, quieting noise, one hand on top of Jim's to calm him down. "It's okay. Let's get over to Sickbay and check it out, okay?"
Jim's hand suddenly turned over and their fingers laced together and Bones felt his heart tug in his chest. "...Yeah. Let's go." There was a soft squeeze, then Jim pulled his hand away and started feeling for the door.
The trip to Sickbay seemed longer than usual, Bones keeping a close eye on Jim's facial expressions. Despite Jim's frustration, there was something there that Bones hadn't seen since the accident -hope. Neither man spoke during the trip, and even as they entered Sickbay Bones shook off all those who headed toward them, offering assistance. He knew Jim would rather do this as privately as possible, and walked him to a room in the back, closing the door to all the curious onlookers. Leading him to a biobed, he placed Jim's hand on it. "Hop on and let me take a look."
There was something subtle and grateful about the bit of guidance, all hidden under a grin as Jim did as he was told all too literally and hopped his ass up on the edge of the biobed. Jim was unusually silent, but there was a tension in his outline mixed in with that hope. The hope came with the price of fear, but at this point, Bones was willing to take any of it he could get. This first sign of something was enough to get his heart racing, and Bones looked down to see his hands shaking as he picked up the scanner.
"Normal readings," he murmured quietly. "That's not changed." Good, at least the spot or shadow or whatever wasn't a sign of something gone wrong. Bones flipped a few buttons and suddenly the scanner began emitting a bright light. Shining it in Jim's face, Bones asked, "Tell me what you see."
The hope bloosomed into something stronger when he saw Jim's head moving in a too-wide arc, but actually following the vague pattern he was moving the light. "The spot's moving, I think?"
"Good," he said, then moving the light up and down, trying to keep the smile off his face when he saw Jim's face follow that as well. "One more," Bones told him, turning the light off, and silently lowering the scanner. "How 'bout now?"
Jim frowned, looking around. "It's stopped moving. It's back sort of in the middle now."
All of this gave Bones an idea. "I'm gonna try something here, okay?" Bones recalibrated his tricorder, and slowly held it to the back of Jim's head and began stimulating the cells with a low energy pulse. "Something in there is trying to work," he told Jim, giving him a quick layman's overview of what he was doing. "This might help, but I can't guarantee your head won't hurt for a little while," he added apologetically. "Let me give you something for the pain."
As expected, Jim shook his head immediately. "Don't need it."
"Dammit, Jim, I just blasted your head with gamma rays, you are going to feel off for a bit." Bones tried to keep the sarcastic tone out of his voice. "Let me take you to your room to sleep it off. At least rest for a while."
"Bones, I have this treaty to get ready for, I can't just be sitting around resting. What's the spot mean? Does it mean what I think it does?" As if saying the words would shatter the reality of possibility.
"I don't know, Jim, but the only way I'm gonna find out is if you sit still long enough for me to track it, make sure its-" Bones sighed. "Can you work in your room? Or does it have to be the office? At least let me give you something to help with the headache," the one he knew Jim was starting to feel.
At least there Jim was willing to consent. "Yeah, I could work from my quarters." He turned his head in Bones' direction, the corner of his lip rising in a small smile. He hopped down off of the biobed, holding onto the edge of it. "You going to come keep me company?"
The invitation came as a little but welcomed surprise, and he felt himself smiling to match it. "I think I could do that." Bones went back to study several vials before selecting one. A painkiller, and something that would dilate Jim's eyes, so he could examine them later.
Bones administered the hypo, smiling a little at the familiar hissing reaction before grabbing something to work on, and the two of them made their way slowly down the corridor to Jim's room, linked arm and arm. Soon, soon he was sure, Jim wouldn't need some old grumpy seeing eye dog again. He wondered what would change then, if he would still be coming home to Jim's rooms at the end of the day.
When had Jim's rooms become any definition of home?
They got into Jim's quarters, and he could feel Jim relax before their arms separated. Bones walked them both over to the sofa and sat down next to Jim. "You let me know if you feel anything different, with your eyes, okay?"
"I want to say it's getting better," Jim said wryly, "but at the same time I can't tell if its my mind playing tricks on me or not. Looks more like a shadow now."
Bones nodded, a look of relief on his face. "Okay, Jim. This is good, okay? But we just gotta wait, see what happens next." Could be hours, could be days... he didn't want to get Jim's hopes any higher, not without knowing - but this was a hell of a good thing to hear. He reached down and took Jim's hand, giving it a squeeze.
Jim's hand turned over, lacing their fingers together. There was silence, but not an uncomfortable one, before he asked, "When did it change?"
"When did what change?" Bones asked, his eyes lifting from their joined hands to Jim's face.
"You. About this?" Jim gestured between them.
Bones felt his face grow warm as he thought about it. "Can't tell you, really. A while back, I guess." One of his fingers traced the length of Jim's cheek down to his chin, lifting it gently. "You couldn't tell?"
Jim rubbed the back of his neck. "We've always been close." His shoulder lifted in a shrug. "I wasn't thinking it was different out of no where. It's just what it was."
Bones leaned in close, breathing slow. "And I thought it was the worst kept secret on this ship. Figured everyone knows how I feel..." His hand moved to card through Jim's hair, tucking a strand behind his ear.
"Then why not tell me?" Jim leaned slightly into Bones' touch, eyes closing. "Shit, Bones, if I'd known..."
"I dunno," Bones answered, eyes drawn to that look on Jim's face. "I guess I thought- I thought it would happen eventually, that we had time. Then I almost lost you," he added, both hands holding Jim's head now. "What would I do if something happened to you?" he whispered.
There was a tiny crease between Jim's brows, and Bones wondered what was going through his mind. "You'd have kept living," Jim said with a strange twist of his mouth, "otherwise what would it all have meant?"
"...Jim," Bones closed his eyes, pressing their foreheads together. That was the last thing he wanted, for Jim to be put in danger, for him.
But that's what Jim did - he went out where it was dangerous and took the hits for the rest of them, to keep everyone else on board safe, including him, no matter how badly Bones objected to it. It was who he was, and Bones suspected Jim would be like that no matter what he'd ended up doing with his life; just had that protective nature, but here, as captain, it took on a different meaning.
But Jim wouldn't be alone, not ever if Bones could help it. Brushing their lips together, he felt himself smiling. This felt so good. "I'm up here for you, kid," he whispered, "so you better stick around, close where I can keep an eye on you."
Jim laughed softly, shaking his head. "You think I'm trying to leave? Not in a million years. I'm in this for the long run. All of this." He sighed against Bones' mouth. "Whatever this is, too."
But Bones already knew that, somehow he knew that no matter what, if it was friendship or more, it was a forever thing between them. He'd have used the word 'soulmate' if it didn't sound so corny in his head, but that was what he felt. Maybe one day he'd say it aloud. Right now, all he wanted was to pull Jim closer, feeling their arms wrapping around each other with what was becoming a familiar gesture.
"Isn't helping me get work done," Jim murmured with a little smirk, but he didn't seem real interested in moving.
"You got somethin' that needs to be done tonight?" Bones murmured in his ear, fingertips running up and down Jim's back, scratching lightly.
Jim rumbled like a cat and stretched again, leaning to the side to move Bones' hand over an itch. "Captain's work is never done. Unless, of course, I have something more important that needs to be done."
Bones kept up the touching, nosing Jim's temple. "No, nothing too important," he chuckled quietly. He kissed Jim's forehead. "What can I do to help you?"
"Don't need to do anything. This... is nice." Jim closed his eyes, yawning. "Whatever you gave me's wanting to knock me out early."
Bones wasn't surprised, Jim's body was always a crap shoot when it came to medication. "Okay, then let's at least get you someplace comfortable." Standing, he took Jim's hand, pulling him up and helping him over to the bed, which Jim suffered without too much complaint.
Jim tugged at his clothing, throwing aside clothing without much care about where it landed. "Hand me some sweat pants, please?"
Pulling a pair out of one of Jim's drawers, Bones tossed them on his lap. "You sure there's nothing you need done tonight, something I can help you with?" he asked, standing in front of Jim, one hand touching his hair lightly as Jim slipped the pants on and lay back down, getting comfortable.
"Now, a lesser man would take advantage of that," but before Bones could get the wrong idea Jim grinned, putting his arms behind his head, laughter in his voice. "I could say all about the massive amounts of paperwork I have, or the crick in my neck, or all sorts of things."
The meds coursing through Jim's veins would help him sleep easily, and Bones knew he needed the rest. Tomorrow was going to be a long, busy day for both of them, formal dress most of the day. "I know you don't want me near your paperwork," Bones chuckled, settling himself next to Jim. His hands found their way to Jim's shoulders, squeezing lightly. "But I can do this."
Jim groaned low at the feeling, head falling forward. "No stopping now that you've started." Not that Bones would have admitted to, once in a while, using a massage as a secret weapon to getting Jim to do something he didn't want to, in this case, resting. Kicking off his shoes, he climbed on the other side of the bed, attacking Jim's shoulders from the other side. It wasn't hard to feel the tension that Jim was holding tightly inside him, but Bones worked the knots out slowly, feeling them release under his hands.
Eventually he felt Jim slumping forward, loose and relaxed. "How's the vision. Anything else happening?"
"Mmm?" Jim's eyes reluctantly opened, and he shook his head. "Shadows still, dark and blurry" he said, but unable to keep the hopeful note out of his voice. "Is it supposed to happen fast now?"
Bones tried not to chuckle. Trust Jim to want this to happen now. "It's gonna come on its own sweet time, Jim, but the good news is that its coming." One more squeeze before he released Jim from his grip and sat back, watching. "Why don't you try and close your eyes."
"I was all close-eyed until you interrupted using those skilled hands. Captain's orders, you have to continue. For at least another hour." Jim rumbled softly, smirking fiercely, knowing just how he sounded.
"Yes sir," Bones replied in a low growl, sliding his hands up Jim's back, rubbing the strong muscles, using his thumbs to press in deep. It felt good to be like this, to be able to smile and laugh and touch Jim, not hiding those feelings. Jim knew now, he knew that Bones wanted more than just being friends, and Bones felt that warmth reciprocate. Almost like Jim's eyes - it would happen, he knew it. It was just a matter of time now.
"Oh how I love to hear those words," Jim teased, but it dissolved into a low groan as Bones' thumbs found a sore spot. "Right there, please?"
Bones kept it up, watching as Jim grew more and more pliant under his hands, and eventually, fell asleep in his arms. It made him feel privileged and foolish, all at the same time. How many more years of this could they have had, how long ago could the sudden, new, awkward hesitation between them been dealt with? Bones knew he had needed that time to see Jim as someone more, see deeper than what Jim left on the surface for all the world to see. Sleepless nights of studying, the nights drinking with friends or just the two of them, piecing the inner workings of Jim's body back together after each accident and fight while Jim did the same in all his subtle ways to subdue Bones' dark demons... all of it needed to unfold slowly, like it did, or they wouldn't have this.
After all, all of it led to this. Bones shifted, making himself more comfortable under Jim's weight. His back would hate him in an hour or so for sleeping like this, but it would be worth it.
Authors: salvaged_pride and sullacat
Artist: gadgetorious
Fanmixer: dizilla
Beta: shinychimera
Series: Star Trek XI
Characters/Pairings: Kirk/McCoy
Rating: R
Chapter Word Count: 5078 out of 42601
Summary: Jim is everything he needs to be when he's sent on a diplomatic mission to meet a potential new addition to the Federation - charming, calm, convincing - especially with his CMO at his side to back him up. But when Jim, Bones, and their security team wake up in the depths of an alien jungle and are given a mission to succeed or die, they'll need not only to survive, but come to terms with their true feelings for each other. Will it destroy their friendship or save them both?
Is it enough to teach Jim and Bones what they have been blind to - that sometimes there's more than just meets the eye, and the loss of one's world can lead to another?
<< Chapter 6 | Main Chapter Listing | Chapter 8 >>
The Art | The Mix
Hours later Bones was finally back in his office, catching a very late lunch. There had been no time for breakfast as reports of a problem floated up from the depths of the science labs, followed by rumors that some chemicals had spilled, ending with a panicked patients brought up to Sickbay. The morning had become chaos after that, trying to unstick seven crewman, ensigns, and a crabby lieutenant from the expanding, incredibly sticky foam-gel substance they had managed to create. It had taken over one of the rooms in the labs before someone had gotten the bright idea to lock the room down, and when it had finally stopped expanding, those trapped inside had to be cut out with phasers.
It had been a race against time to keep carving off chunks of whatever it was so it didn't take over Sickbay. They cut away the people from each other so they could be treated and medical and science joined forces to figure out how to stop the newly created substance from expanding and sticking to everything it touched.
After taking a fast shower in Sickbay to rid himself of the reek of the chemicals, all Bones wanted was something to eat, and a drink or two from the bottle he kept in the bottom drawer of his desk.
If he could manage it, maybe even a nap.
What he wasn't expecting was the steady beep of his comm going off. After picking it up and flicking it open, he stood shocked at the name- Cpt. Kirk, James T. -on the screen. Was the Captain looking for a report on what had happened in Sickbay? "Doctor McCoy here," he answered more formally than normal.
"..." There was a long enough silence that Bones frowned, opening his mouth to say Jim's name when suddenly, "Report to my quarters." The communication terminated after that. Bones wasn't sure what he was more confused about - the sudden order to report to Jim's room, or the strange tone of Jim's voice. Unsure what to expect, he grabbed his medical kit and headed to Jim's room, moving fast down the corridor.
He didn't stop until he stood in front of the door, waiting to be let in. The doors slid open, and Bones stepped inside, a tight feeling inside him at being back here after all that happened. The tight feeling only got worse when he looked around.
The entire room was a disaster. Books were pulled from the shelves, the sheets were off the bed, clothing everywhere. It looked like a tornado had swept through. There in the center of it all, sitting on the edge of the bed, was Jim. He was bent over, staring down at his feet flat on the floor, arms laying across his thighs.
Bones took another step into the room, trying to assess the situation, then walked over to the bed. "Jim?" Kneeling on the ground in front of Jim, Bones said his name again, making sure Jim knew he was there before reaching over to touch his shoulder. "Hey, what's going on?" he asked, trying to sound calmer than he felt.
Jim looked up, or at least his head came up. He blinked once, then said quietly, "I can't find it."
Something was wrong. Very wrong. In the four years Bones had known the man in front of him, he hadn't ever seen him like this- like all the life had been drained from him. "Can't find what, Jim?" Bones asked, talking low and quiet, like he was calming a spooked animal. "Maybe I can help."
There was a far longer silence before Jim's brows furrowed together, and he shook his head. "...I can't remember. I can't..." His voice trailed off, and his hands moved to link together, wringing each other.
"Tell me what you were doing, maybe we can figure it out." This wasn't Bones being Jim's doctor right now, this was something deeper. The way Jim sat on the bed, his slouched position, the room looking torn apart... Bones was scared. "Tell me what's going on right now, in here," he asked quietly, fingers stroking Jim's temple gently.
"Nothing," was the first answered, followed quickly on its heels by, "Everything." Jim's fingers flexed, tightened under the knuckles were white.
"Jim, did something happen this morning?" Bones asked, sitting down next to Jim, trying just to provide some sort of support. He knew the worst thing he could do with right now was push this too fast.
"No."
Okay. "You got anywhere you need to be right now?" Bones reached down and picked up the bed pillows from the ground, pulling up the sheets and gathering them on the bed. "Maybe we can just sit here for a while and talk."
"...No. Off-duty." Which wasn't true, there were still a few hours of alpha shift left.
That was worrisome. "Will you take off your boots, lay back and get comfortable?" Bones straightened out the blanket as quietly as he could, remembering how angry Jim got when it looked like Bones was doing things for him. "Been a long day, I'd like to get off my feet as well."
Jim didn't move though, still staring downwards. His eyes closed and he sagged a little more. "Bones, it's been a week. I still can't see." There was a tightness in his voice, a little higher than normal.
His hand was up, touching Jim's face gently before Bones could stop himself. Tilting Jim's face slightly upward, he felt his heart beating fast in his chest, despite the knot in his stomach. "Gimme a little more time, Jim. You're doing so well." When Jim didn't pull away he continued, his thumb rubbing small circles along Jim's jawline. "You can't know how proud I am of you, how well you're doing right now."
Jim's face twisted, something heart breaking in the pain and anger that was there. "Stop it!" He jerked his chin back, eyes squeezed shut. "Stop pitying me like this! I don't need it!"
Bones took a deep breath, fist falling into the pillow, frustrated. "I'm not pitying you, Jim, I'm trying- fuck, I'm trying to be close to you, try to help anyway I can, because yes, you do need some help right now." He stood, took a few steps, rubbing his forehead. "And if you need help, I want-" I wanna be the one to help you. "Needing someone right now does not make you weak."
"BULLSHIT!" Jim's voice rang in echo at the edges of the room. "All those years, all those years where you told me to back off, that you didn't want anything until this happened," his hand gave a wild wave in front of his eyes, "then, just then, you decide to let me fuck you?! I don't need that pity from you, especially from you." His fingers tightened so hard his knuckles cracked.
Then Jim went still, silent, and looking almost horrified. He stood up all at once, fingernails scraping over his scalp until he was holding a chunk of his hair, head bent forward, as he turned away from Bones.
Bones froze at the words, still as a statue. Was that what Jim thought? That all of this, all the time they'd spent together, getting closer and then finally being together - Jim thought it was pity? "Let you... you think I let you fuck me because of that?" Oh no, no... things started clicking into place, making sense in Bones' head. The one thing Jim never accepted was pity. "I don't know which one of us is the bigger idiot..."
Jim just stood there, broken and in pieces and pushing him away, all because of a misunderstanding, a fucking huge one. Because they never talked. So Bones walked in front of him, his heart aching at the pained look on Jim's face, and all of a sudden he wondered why it had been so hard before, to tell Jim how he felt. All the reasons before, his own fear and jealousy, falling away at the idea of losing this fragile thing they had in their hands.
Large, cool hands held Jim's face up to his, and Bones looked into those sightless eyes, still bright and shining despite their emptiness. "I almost lost you," he whispered, their faces close together. "You could have died down there, without you ever knowing-" Bones' hands slid further back, cupping Jim's head, and his voice dropped even further down. "-Without knowing how much I- I need you." Feeling Jim shaking slightly in his arms, he brushed their lips together softly, feeling warm breath on his lips. "I need you, Jim."
Jim shook his head, eyes squeezing shut. "You didn't before, Bones. You didn't..." He was stiff where he stood, like a piece of brittle glass about to shatter at the slightest jar. Jim, who never reached out to another person but constantly seemed to keep them close, within touching distance, as if that was enough. They were both the same in their stubbornness, both more than a little broken by their pasts and glued back together with their own will power and help from each other.
"I did," Bones told him, warmth and affection rounding out his voice. "I do, more than you know. I was afraid of it, Jim. Afraid of needing you, afraid that you wouldn't want any more than a fuck when I wanted so much more." Bones suspected everyone on board knew how he felt about his captain, that it was more than mere friendship that bound them together. But he wasn't sure there was anyway he could convince Jim of that right now. "Shouldn't have taken something like this happening for me to tell you, but it did, and I'm sorry." He sighed, their foreheads touching. "Please sit down, Jim. Just... sit with me."
Sightless eyes opened, narrow, squeezed shut again. "I don't like doing this without being able to see you," Jim said roughly, but he sat down. Without seeing expression, the only clues Bones could use to make Jim understand were his touches and his words.
So Bones sat next to him, lifting Jim's hands to his own face, his fingers covering Jim's as he felt them tighten on his skin. "I'm right here, just me. You know me better than anyone... what more do you need to see?"
Jim's thumb moved lightly across his cheek bone before he pulled his hand back. He was silent, lips parting then shutting as if he struggled to find the right words. Then he sighed, rubbing under his nose. "You don't say what your eyes say, all right?"
It did make sense, in a 'them' sort of way. Trusted each other with their lives but not their hearts. "Okay, Jim," Bones told him. "That's fair. I made you wait, guess I don't mind waiting a little longer, 'til I get your eyes straightened out. And I am gonna get your eyes fixed, I promise you that." Another soft kiss, then one more to Jim's forehead and Bones stood, looking around the scattered room. "You feel like resting for a while, or should we see if we can find what you were looking for?"
But Jim was looking in his direction with an odd expression on his face. "Wait? For what?"
"For you to believe me," Bones told him, bending down to pick up some books, re-shelve them. "For you to see. For you to want to be with me again. Take your pick." Gathering the padds on the floor, he tossed them on Jim's desk before sitting back down on the edge of Jim's bed.
"And if it never comes back?" Jim's voice had gone blank again, but there was something different in how he held himself than when Bones had come in.
"Then I'll have to win you over the hard way, with my charm," he told Jim, gruff and affectionate and familiar, as Jim's datapad made a chirping noise. "Let's hope it doesn't come to that." With his joke, he saw Jim relax a little and was glad at least he could do something right.
His own communicator made a similar beep, an alarm reminding him of their meeting regarding the treaty signing. "We need to get to that planning meeting. You remember what it was you were looking for?" he asked.
Jim breathed out, closing his eyes. "A gift. I wanted to give Ruud a gift. From me... from us. To thank him."
Trust Jim to think of something like that. "That's a good idea." Taking a step closer to Jim, he asked, "Can you remember what it was?"
There was a frustrated sound from Jim, turning his head in Bones' direction. "I don't know. I couldn't think of something, it feels like I can't even remember what's in my room."
Bones looked around at the room, Jim's possessions still askew. "I can go over the things in here with you later if you want, after the meeting."
"...Okay." Jim stood up, a stiffness in his body that just didn't look right on him. He rubbed at an eye, then with caution in his voice, asked, "Do you see a PADD on the floor that's still lit up? I was using it when I decided to find a gift." Bones looked at Jim, could see it on his face the simple frustration at having to ask for help for something so simple. He wondered what it was that set Jim off exactly, tearing apart the room in a frenzied state, if the mess was any indication.
"Yeah, got it here," Bones said, putting it in his hand. "C'mon, Jim, let's go." Bones held out his arm for Jim to take, and they slowly made their way out the door.
The meeting dragged on longer than it should have. Any notion or suggestion Jim brought up in the name of the treaty with the Tuatarans, Admiral Fersen shot down or debated. There was obvious tension between the Admiral and the Captain, and while Jim was clearly frustrated even as he visibly kept his calm, there was something more that Bones couldn't put a finger on. Jim's head kept swiveling back and forth, his eyes going wide, then narrowing, then closing and opening quickly or slowly.
If someone could fidget with their eyes, that was what Jim was doing. Under normal circumstances, Jim was the kind of person to look someone dead in the eyes until he got his point across or the other person looked away.
So what was going on?
"Doctor?"
Bones looked up to see everyone looking at him. "Pardon," he said apologetically. "Can you repeat that?"
Spock managed an irritated smugness that somehow remained professional at the same time. "I asked if you understood your particular role in the ceremony."
"I'm supposed to sit to the left of the Speaker and try not to say anything embarrassing."
The pleased look on the Vulcan's face shouldn't have been as amusing but there was something endearing about it. "Precisely." Tapping on the console in front of him, the image on the wall viewer went blank. "That concludes this meeting. Until tomorrow," he added, looking at everyone in the room as he stood, his eyes lingering a moment longer on Jim - did he see it too?
Bones saw Jim standing, holding the table with one hand for support and made his way there as quickly as he could without appearing obvious. "Everything okay there?" he asked, mindful of the group slowly exiting the room.
Jim's head turn in his direction, and he shook his head. "I don't know but.... I think..."
"You think what?" Bones asked in a low voice, full of concern and worry.
"I think I see a spot."
"A spot- a spot of... light?" Was that it? Something breaking through the darkness?
Jim made a frustrated sound. "I don't know. I can't tell if its one of the colors I keep seeing because of my head or it really is a spot but there's something there!"
"Shhh," Bones made a gentle, quieting noise, one hand on top of Jim's to calm him down. "It's okay. Let's get over to Sickbay and check it out, okay?"
Jim's hand suddenly turned over and their fingers laced together and Bones felt his heart tug in his chest. "...Yeah. Let's go." There was a soft squeeze, then Jim pulled his hand away and started feeling for the door.
The trip to Sickbay seemed longer than usual, Bones keeping a close eye on Jim's facial expressions. Despite Jim's frustration, there was something there that Bones hadn't seen since the accident -hope. Neither man spoke during the trip, and even as they entered Sickbay Bones shook off all those who headed toward them, offering assistance. He knew Jim would rather do this as privately as possible, and walked him to a room in the back, closing the door to all the curious onlookers. Leading him to a biobed, he placed Jim's hand on it. "Hop on and let me take a look."
There was something subtle and grateful about the bit of guidance, all hidden under a grin as Jim did as he was told all too literally and hopped his ass up on the edge of the biobed. Jim was unusually silent, but there was a tension in his outline mixed in with that hope. The hope came with the price of fear, but at this point, Bones was willing to take any of it he could get. This first sign of something was enough to get his heart racing, and Bones looked down to see his hands shaking as he picked up the scanner.
"Normal readings," he murmured quietly. "That's not changed." Good, at least the spot or shadow or whatever wasn't a sign of something gone wrong. Bones flipped a few buttons and suddenly the scanner began emitting a bright light. Shining it in Jim's face, Bones asked, "Tell me what you see."
The hope bloosomed into something stronger when he saw Jim's head moving in a too-wide arc, but actually following the vague pattern he was moving the light. "The spot's moving, I think?"
"Good," he said, then moving the light up and down, trying to keep the smile off his face when he saw Jim's face follow that as well. "One more," Bones told him, turning the light off, and silently lowering the scanner. "How 'bout now?"
Jim frowned, looking around. "It's stopped moving. It's back sort of in the middle now."
All of this gave Bones an idea. "I'm gonna try something here, okay?" Bones recalibrated his tricorder, and slowly held it to the back of Jim's head and began stimulating the cells with a low energy pulse. "Something in there is trying to work," he told Jim, giving him a quick layman's overview of what he was doing. "This might help, but I can't guarantee your head won't hurt for a little while," he added apologetically. "Let me give you something for the pain."
As expected, Jim shook his head immediately. "Don't need it."
"Dammit, Jim, I just blasted your head with gamma rays, you are going to feel off for a bit." Bones tried to keep the sarcastic tone out of his voice. "Let me take you to your room to sleep it off. At least rest for a while."
"Bones, I have this treaty to get ready for, I can't just be sitting around resting. What's the spot mean? Does it mean what I think it does?" As if saying the words would shatter the reality of possibility.
"I don't know, Jim, but the only way I'm gonna find out is if you sit still long enough for me to track it, make sure its-" Bones sighed. "Can you work in your room? Or does it have to be the office? At least let me give you something to help with the headache," the one he knew Jim was starting to feel.
At least there Jim was willing to consent. "Yeah, I could work from my quarters." He turned his head in Bones' direction, the corner of his lip rising in a small smile. He hopped down off of the biobed, holding onto the edge of it. "You going to come keep me company?"
The invitation came as a little but welcomed surprise, and he felt himself smiling to match it. "I think I could do that." Bones went back to study several vials before selecting one. A painkiller, and something that would dilate Jim's eyes, so he could examine them later.
Bones administered the hypo, smiling a little at the familiar hissing reaction before grabbing something to work on, and the two of them made their way slowly down the corridor to Jim's room, linked arm and arm. Soon, soon he was sure, Jim wouldn't need some old grumpy seeing eye dog again. He wondered what would change then, if he would still be coming home to Jim's rooms at the end of the day.
When had Jim's rooms become any definition of home?
They got into Jim's quarters, and he could feel Jim relax before their arms separated. Bones walked them both over to the sofa and sat down next to Jim. "You let me know if you feel anything different, with your eyes, okay?"
"I want to say it's getting better," Jim said wryly, "but at the same time I can't tell if its my mind playing tricks on me or not. Looks more like a shadow now."
Bones nodded, a look of relief on his face. "Okay, Jim. This is good, okay? But we just gotta wait, see what happens next." Could be hours, could be days... he didn't want to get Jim's hopes any higher, not without knowing - but this was a hell of a good thing to hear. He reached down and took Jim's hand, giving it a squeeze.
Jim's hand turned over, lacing their fingers together. There was silence, but not an uncomfortable one, before he asked, "When did it change?"
"When did what change?" Bones asked, his eyes lifting from their joined hands to Jim's face.
"You. About this?" Jim gestured between them.
Bones felt his face grow warm as he thought about it. "Can't tell you, really. A while back, I guess." One of his fingers traced the length of Jim's cheek down to his chin, lifting it gently. "You couldn't tell?"
Jim rubbed the back of his neck. "We've always been close." His shoulder lifted in a shrug. "I wasn't thinking it was different out of no where. It's just what it was."
Bones leaned in close, breathing slow. "And I thought it was the worst kept secret on this ship. Figured everyone knows how I feel..." His hand moved to card through Jim's hair, tucking a strand behind his ear.
"Then why not tell me?" Jim leaned slightly into Bones' touch, eyes closing. "Shit, Bones, if I'd known..."
"I dunno," Bones answered, eyes drawn to that look on Jim's face. "I guess I thought- I thought it would happen eventually, that we had time. Then I almost lost you," he added, both hands holding Jim's head now. "What would I do if something happened to you?" he whispered.
There was a tiny crease between Jim's brows, and Bones wondered what was going through his mind. "You'd have kept living," Jim said with a strange twist of his mouth, "otherwise what would it all have meant?"
"...Jim," Bones closed his eyes, pressing their foreheads together. That was the last thing he wanted, for Jim to be put in danger, for him.
But that's what Jim did - he went out where it was dangerous and took the hits for the rest of them, to keep everyone else on board safe, including him, no matter how badly Bones objected to it. It was who he was, and Bones suspected Jim would be like that no matter what he'd ended up doing with his life; just had that protective nature, but here, as captain, it took on a different meaning.
But Jim wouldn't be alone, not ever if Bones could help it. Brushing their lips together, he felt himself smiling. This felt so good. "I'm up here for you, kid," he whispered, "so you better stick around, close where I can keep an eye on you."
Jim laughed softly, shaking his head. "You think I'm trying to leave? Not in a million years. I'm in this for the long run. All of this." He sighed against Bones' mouth. "Whatever this is, too."
But Bones already knew that, somehow he knew that no matter what, if it was friendship or more, it was a forever thing between them. He'd have used the word 'soulmate' if it didn't sound so corny in his head, but that was what he felt. Maybe one day he'd say it aloud. Right now, all he wanted was to pull Jim closer, feeling their arms wrapping around each other with what was becoming a familiar gesture.
"Isn't helping me get work done," Jim murmured with a little smirk, but he didn't seem real interested in moving.
"You got somethin' that needs to be done tonight?" Bones murmured in his ear, fingertips running up and down Jim's back, scratching lightly.
Jim rumbled like a cat and stretched again, leaning to the side to move Bones' hand over an itch. "Captain's work is never done. Unless, of course, I have something more important that needs to be done."
Bones kept up the touching, nosing Jim's temple. "No, nothing too important," he chuckled quietly. He kissed Jim's forehead. "What can I do to help you?"
"Don't need to do anything. This... is nice." Jim closed his eyes, yawning. "Whatever you gave me's wanting to knock me out early."
Bones wasn't surprised, Jim's body was always a crap shoot when it came to medication. "Okay, then let's at least get you someplace comfortable." Standing, he took Jim's hand, pulling him up and helping him over to the bed, which Jim suffered without too much complaint.
Jim tugged at his clothing, throwing aside clothing without much care about where it landed. "Hand me some sweat pants, please?"
Pulling a pair out of one of Jim's drawers, Bones tossed them on his lap. "You sure there's nothing you need done tonight, something I can help you with?" he asked, standing in front of Jim, one hand touching his hair lightly as Jim slipped the pants on and lay back down, getting comfortable.
"Now, a lesser man would take advantage of that," but before Bones could get the wrong idea Jim grinned, putting his arms behind his head, laughter in his voice. "I could say all about the massive amounts of paperwork I have, or the crick in my neck, or all sorts of things."
The meds coursing through Jim's veins would help him sleep easily, and Bones knew he needed the rest. Tomorrow was going to be a long, busy day for both of them, formal dress most of the day. "I know you don't want me near your paperwork," Bones chuckled, settling himself next to Jim. His hands found their way to Jim's shoulders, squeezing lightly. "But I can do this."
Jim groaned low at the feeling, head falling forward. "No stopping now that you've started." Not that Bones would have admitted to, once in a while, using a massage as a secret weapon to getting Jim to do something he didn't want to, in this case, resting. Kicking off his shoes, he climbed on the other side of the bed, attacking Jim's shoulders from the other side. It wasn't hard to feel the tension that Jim was holding tightly inside him, but Bones worked the knots out slowly, feeling them release under his hands.
Eventually he felt Jim slumping forward, loose and relaxed. "How's the vision. Anything else happening?"
"Mmm?" Jim's eyes reluctantly opened, and he shook his head. "Shadows still, dark and blurry" he said, but unable to keep the hopeful note out of his voice. "Is it supposed to happen fast now?"
Bones tried not to chuckle. Trust Jim to want this to happen now. "It's gonna come on its own sweet time, Jim, but the good news is that its coming." One more squeeze before he released Jim from his grip and sat back, watching. "Why don't you try and close your eyes."
"I was all close-eyed until you interrupted using those skilled hands. Captain's orders, you have to continue. For at least another hour." Jim rumbled softly, smirking fiercely, knowing just how he sounded.
"Yes sir," Bones replied in a low growl, sliding his hands up Jim's back, rubbing the strong muscles, using his thumbs to press in deep. It felt good to be like this, to be able to smile and laugh and touch Jim, not hiding those feelings. Jim knew now, he knew that Bones wanted more than just being friends, and Bones felt that warmth reciprocate. Almost like Jim's eyes - it would happen, he knew it. It was just a matter of time now.
"Oh how I love to hear those words," Jim teased, but it dissolved into a low groan as Bones' thumbs found a sore spot. "Right there, please?"
Bones kept it up, watching as Jim grew more and more pliant under his hands, and eventually, fell asleep in his arms. It made him feel privileged and foolish, all at the same time. How many more years of this could they have had, how long ago could the sudden, new, awkward hesitation between them been dealt with? Bones knew he had needed that time to see Jim as someone more, see deeper than what Jim left on the surface for all the world to see. Sleepless nights of studying, the nights drinking with friends or just the two of them, piecing the inner workings of Jim's body back together after each accident and fight while Jim did the same in all his subtle ways to subdue Bones' dark demons... all of it needed to unfold slowly, like it did, or they wouldn't have this.
After all, all of it led to this. Bones shifted, making himself more comfortable under Jim's weight. His back would hate him in an hour or so for sleeping like this, but it would be worth it.