Contemplativeness.
So.
Here I am sitting in front of my computer, smoking a mini-cigar and having a cup of coffee to get my day started. It's an interesting mental space to be in, getting my day started: I feel like I'm settling into place before all the usual stormy energy comes along.
I feel like I've lost something over the past few days. Last week and this week I've been dealing with the implications of freely flowing information - I've told both my dad's side of the family and one of the higher-ups in my department at work about my transition, which has lead to a lot of surprise and bafflement, but also a lot of encouragement. During those days, though, I felt alive, like something was suffusing and energizing me that I didn't normally have. Now, that feeling is gone, and I'm trying to figure out why it was there and what I can do to get it back.
I've been reading a lot of Eckhart Tolle lately (or more accurately, I've been reading The Power of Now over and over again), as well as other examples of what I've taken to thinking of as "empwerment lit" - stuff designed to help people get their heads out of the past and future and consciously into the present moment, with resulting feelings of peace, harmony and a sense of well-being. Earlier this week, I had that. In reflection, it was a period where I was focusing a great deal on being genuine about who I am, instead of trying to fit myself into boxes that society had put together for me.
Now I've gotten back into the daily routine of things - going to work, hanging out at home, keeping my real face hidden from most of the people I know. I sat down and redid my transition expenses sheet, and as I suspected, it turned out to be more than I thought it would be (although I think they changed the prices on me). As a result, my mental space has shifted from the free, empowered resonance I had earlier this week to the space I'm usually in, filled with worry, depression, frantic planning and a feeling of disconnection from the world around me.
Sometimes I think I'm just tired, a little run down from work or something like that, but this feeling doesn't go away when I've had a chance to recover from work on the weekends. I think it doesn't go away because I still live in that same identity - average 21-year-old guy who works for the phone company and plays on the computer a lot. People know about my transition, but it's not at the forefront of their minds, most of the time. And really, who can blame them? My transition isn't even at the forefront of my mind most of the time - I spend more time thinking about how life will be when it's done than I do on actually doing it!
It reminds me of the books I've been reading, though, where they explain how the ego creates negativity by focusing on what you don't have thinking about the past and the future. This weekend and the early part of this week, I suppose I was living more in the present than I usually do, when I was trying to manage my interactions with my family and my boss. I was planning things, sure, but I was fully present in what I was doing, instead of the "way off over there" that I usually spend my days in, whether thinking about something I don't have or being bored with what I do have in front of me. Now that the initial hurdles are cleared, life has returned to everyday routine, I've gotten bored, I start thinking about how much better things could be... and there, I guess, is where I get trapped.
Anyone have any tips on how to live more in the present moment?
Here I am sitting in front of my computer, smoking a mini-cigar and having a cup of coffee to get my day started. It's an interesting mental space to be in, getting my day started: I feel like I'm settling into place before all the usual stormy energy comes along.
I feel like I've lost something over the past few days. Last week and this week I've been dealing with the implications of freely flowing information - I've told both my dad's side of the family and one of the higher-ups in my department at work about my transition, which has lead to a lot of surprise and bafflement, but also a lot of encouragement. During those days, though, I felt alive, like something was suffusing and energizing me that I didn't normally have. Now, that feeling is gone, and I'm trying to figure out why it was there and what I can do to get it back.
I've been reading a lot of Eckhart Tolle lately (or more accurately, I've been reading The Power of Now over and over again), as well as other examples of what I've taken to thinking of as "empwerment lit" - stuff designed to help people get their heads out of the past and future and consciously into the present moment, with resulting feelings of peace, harmony and a sense of well-being. Earlier this week, I had that. In reflection, it was a period where I was focusing a great deal on being genuine about who I am, instead of trying to fit myself into boxes that society had put together for me.
Now I've gotten back into the daily routine of things - going to work, hanging out at home, keeping my real face hidden from most of the people I know. I sat down and redid my transition expenses sheet, and as I suspected, it turned out to be more than I thought it would be (although I think they changed the prices on me). As a result, my mental space has shifted from the free, empowered resonance I had earlier this week to the space I'm usually in, filled with worry, depression, frantic planning and a feeling of disconnection from the world around me.
Sometimes I think I'm just tired, a little run down from work or something like that, but this feeling doesn't go away when I've had a chance to recover from work on the weekends. I think it doesn't go away because I still live in that same identity - average 21-year-old guy who works for the phone company and plays on the computer a lot. People know about my transition, but it's not at the forefront of their minds, most of the time. And really, who can blame them? My transition isn't even at the forefront of my mind most of the time - I spend more time thinking about how life will be when it's done than I do on actually doing it!
It reminds me of the books I've been reading, though, where they explain how the ego creates negativity by focusing on what you don't have thinking about the past and the future. This weekend and the early part of this week, I suppose I was living more in the present than I usually do, when I was trying to manage my interactions with my family and my boss. I was planning things, sure, but I was fully present in what I was doing, instead of the "way off over there" that I usually spend my days in, whether thinking about something I don't have or being bored with what I do have in front of me. Now that the initial hurdles are cleared, life has returned to everyday routine, I've gotten bored, I start thinking about how much better things could be... and there, I guess, is where I get trapped.
Anyone have any tips on how to live more in the present moment?